Advice and support needed

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Jun 2, 2018
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#1
I am a young single Christian woman of 26 years. I met a fellow church member outside of church, I knew him but at the time he didn’t know me. He plays an active role in church along with his wife. However, I made the worst mistake ever which was getting close to him. Initially it was nothing to me but a developing friendship but overtime it turned into something more and we got much closer, intimately, which of course I am ashamed to say. We agreed that we would not let it get to the stage of actual intercourse and that we should withdraw on the intimacy, however, it turned out that we didn’t exercise enough self-control and we eventually had intercourse on more than one occasions. It’s so painful, I’m burdened with guilt and shame, I feel like praying is pointless, worship is pointless, praising is pointless and I am not sure how to move on from here. We do not want it to continue because we know that it is wrong and God is definitely not pleased but I feel as if I’ve lost all connection with God. Do we need to publicly confess our sin to pastor and the church? Or can we just do a personal confession to God and repent? We definitely do not want this to be disclosed as it will be disgraceful for the both of us. I know it might not seem that way but we love God more than anything and are still committed to service for Him.
 
M

MissCris

Guest
#2
Repentance- I mean true remorse, followed by a real change in behavior- is key here.

What's done is done, you can't take it back. His marriage may be wrecked because of it. His position in the church could, and maybe should, be revoked (certainly for the time being, and depending on his role there).

This should be taken to your pastor. I know that's probably the last thing you want to do, but it's appropriate, if you are both members of the church. Doing so would show a sense of responsibility and is a step in the right direction. Sweeping it under the rug will do more harm than good, as you've both proven a lack of self control.

That being said-

Everybody screws up. What happened is clearly not ok, but it's also not anything God can't forgive. Like I said, repentance is key. Behavior has to change.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,394
1,438
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#3
Ok I'm struggling to say this nicely and I want to be nice because one of my fears is that some day, despite my best efforts to avoid it, I'll end up in a similar situation:

You need to be brutally honest with yourselves here. Until this thing is out in the open you aren't going to stop seeing each other or sleeping with each other. This is just something you aren't able to do on your own so you both need to get help doing what you know is right. Also though it will be difficult and embarassing and just plain hard, you will end up believing much more strongly that God has forgiven you if you confess to other people and they can express their acceptance of you afterwards.

Now if I'm totally honest here, what I would most likely do in your shoes is a massive disappearing act: I'm leaving the church, deleting his number, removing him from any and every avenue of contact I can so this never happens with him again. And then I'm replaying the whole situation a bazillion times in my mind to try to figure out how I could ever have done such a thing and beating myself up with guilt and shame for a long time. What you should do, however, is go talk to your pastor (either alone or with the guy) and confess to him, ask him what he thinks needs to be done to start making restitution to the injured parties. I doubt he's going to have you make some sort of public announcement on Sunday morning about it, but no one needs the added stress and expectations of a church role while trying to deal with something like this so any roles either of you have you'll probably be stepping down from. I'd also recommend writing a letter of apology to the guy's wife (run that by your pastor first as I don't have a lot of experience dealing with spouses who've been cheated on and their emotions, but you owe her just about the biggest apology possible).

The next thing for you to do when all the crazy from confession has settled, is to sit down and make yourself some ground rules for interacting with married men, so that you don't end up in this situation again. Things like I will never plan to spend time alone with a married man or I will always ask a man for his wife's number if he tries to give me his.

And if you grew up in churches and youth groups like the ones I did it also needs to be said: No you have not commited the unforgivable sin, no you are not forever doomed to be some sort of second class christian, yes God does still have plans for you that give you a hope and a future, you have not forfeited your faith or God's promises just because you messed up.
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
3,981
995
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Philippines Age 40
#4
@cinder

If you were the wife, would you prefer to receive a letter of apology than not knowing? Will you be able to trust your husband again after knowing? If they can truthfully repent without involving the wife, they must do that. That is the least that the guy can do to protect his wife.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,394
1,438
113
#5
Gotta disagree with you Tink, the guy needs to tell his wife ( and his wife should find out from the guy or the pastor if the guy is too chicken, I'm not saying write the letter and send it and have the wife find out that way). And I'm quite sure that I would be far more upset finding out from someone else about this situation than I would be finding out from my husband (if I were the cheated on wife). Hide it and hope the wife never finds out is a bad idea.
 

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2009
23,067
2,845
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#6
You may not think his wife knows but she probably does know... Most women are very intuitive about that sort of thing. Guys are usually not as good at hiding it as they think they are.. For example, a woman can notice the scent of another woman's perfume on her man... And they can sense when their man is trying to hide something.

I'm not trying to scare you, just trying to let you know that it's probably not as secret as you and him think it is. Who to confess to is probably the least of your problems.

When Jesus confronted the crowd who was about to stone the woman for adultery he said, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone!".... Then the crowd put down their rocks and left.. Then Jesus asked the woman where her accusers were... She said they had all gone... So Jesus said "Then neither do I accuse you. Go and sin no more."

So go and sin no more... Its best to stop now before things get worse... and they can definitely get worse.
 

Tommy379

Notorious Member
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,145
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#7
You really should move to the other side of the country from this guy.
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
3,981
995
113
Philippines Age 40
#8
Gotta disagree with you Tink, the guy needs to tell his wife ( and his wife should find out from the guy or the pastor if the guy is too chicken, I'm not saying write the letter and send it and have the wife find out that way). And I'm quite sure that I would be far more upset finding out from someone else about this situation than I would be finding out from my husband (if I were the cheated on wife). Hide it and hope the wife never finds out is a bad idea.

Yes the truth will set you free but I wonder if he can do it. In reality, most cheating men will deny even when caught red handed maybe because they can't handle the aftermath or maybe because they feel they did nothing wrong since for them it is just a physical act.
 
E

Elizabeth_82

Guest
#9
God is a God of chances, filled with mercy and love. You need to remember again who God is. If you repent with sincerity He will forgive you. But you need to accept that forgiveness as well. Let God heal you. My advise is bring that broken heart to God, give yourself again to Him. He will restore you. I agree with Cinder where the truth shall set you free. He does need to confess to his wife so that their marriage will be truly healed and the devil will not get a foothold for that secret. Talk to your pastor and confess. That is the right thing to do. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God, but the good thing is when we repent, and walk away from that sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us and make all things new. It may take a process but just take one day at a time. Trust God. Read His word. Be filled of God because that is the only way you will be healed and restored. God bless and you will be in my prayers as well as this marriage.

Psalm 103:8-12- The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 10he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 11For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; 12as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

James 5:16- Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

Lamentations 3:22-24- Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

1 Peter 2:24- He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. "By His stripes you are healed."
 
Jun 2, 2018
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#10
Thank you so much for all your responses, the advice, the suggestions and recommendations... I appreciate them all. I am paying close attention and looking into each and every one of them. It is difficult as I am truly hurting right now but I am trying to hold on to God's unchanging hand. The thoughts of not being accepted and loved anymore, being rejected, condemned, scorned and all are popping up. I just need to find myself in the right place, and build the courage to do the right thing so that I can find peace once again.

My church is my home, it's where I was grown. It's where I've built lifelong friendships and relationships. It's where I've invested time working for the Lord. I can't imagine the level of disappointment to come. I need the strength to cope and to go about this wisely.
 

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2009
23,067
2,845
113
#11
Thank you so much for all your responses, the advice, the suggestions and recommendations... I appreciate them all. I am paying close attention and looking into each and every one of them. It is difficult as I am truly hurting right now but I am trying to hold on to God's unchanging hand. The thoughts of not being accepted and loved anymore, being rejected, condemned, scorned and all are popping up. I just need to find myself in the right place, and build the courage to do the right thing so that I can find peace once again.

My church is my home, it's where I was grown. It's where I've built lifelong friendships and relationships. It's where I've invested time working for the Lord. I can't imagine the level of disappointment to come. I need the strength to cope and to go about this wisely.
Why are you feeling rejected and condemned? Jesus forgave that woman adulterer without her even asking. What's done is in the past. You've already repented in your heart. The word repent literally means to turn from sin and to feel regret or remorse. God is not condemning you. That was the Old Testament. We are under the New Testament (repentance and forgiveness).

As far as rejection goes.... You shouldn't mistake a cheating husband for someone who truly loves you. That is what they want you to think but if they did, they would leave their wife for you. You were merely giving him something that he wasn't getting from his wife. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think maybe you could use a bit of an eye opener here.
 
E

Elizabeth_82

Guest
#12
Anonymous26, I understand your church is your home and everything, but if it is necessary, maybe it is time to fly and make another church your home. What is done is done, you can't re do it. You may have to move out of that church because if his wife sees you at church, her process of healing if they decide to work their marriage out, will be much more difficult for her because you are still there. I know it may not be the thing you wanna hear but it is true though. This is not just you that is hurt and damaged, but him and his wife as well. Either way, just get deeper in your relationship with Christ in an intimate level so He can guide you and restore you. Doing that, everything else will fall into place, and He will guide you to where you need to be. Advices from people are extra that you really don't need. I understand you are hurt and stuff but the answer lies in Christ alone. We all know that He transforms people, that He can heal the sick and broken hearted, so just go to Him. He will tell you what you should do and where to go or if you need to stay. Forget what others say or reactions, us people will never stop being people, the one your eyes should be set on and care of what He thinks is God.. We'll be praying for you.

(y)
 

FENNER2

Junior Member
Apr 21, 2018
47
51
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#13
Thank you so much for all your responses, the advice, the suggestions and recommendations... I appreciate them all. I am paying close attention and looking into each and every one of them. It is difficult as I am truly hurting right now but I am trying to hold on to God's unchanging hand. The thoughts of not being accepted and loved anymore, being rejected, condemned, scorned and all are popping up. I just need to find myself in the right place, and build the courage to do the right thing so that I can find peace once again.

My church is my home, it's where I was grown. It's where I've built lifelong friendships and relationships. It's where I've invested time working for the Lord. I can't imagine the level of disappointment to come. I need the strength to cope and to go about this wisely.
I don't know anything about your church. However I do know we all are human and make mistakes. I've made some Whoppers. Not every single person that's in that church needs to know what happened. However I do think one of you probably will need to leave in order to let time heal things. I personally think he should go, but that's just my opinion. Talk to someone there that you trust for guidance.
 

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
Mar 28, 2018
10,386
6,442
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#14
No offence, but if you’re going to feel rejected and judged in your church then that’s not really a church to be in.

Noone shouldn’t have to move unless God directs them to do so.

Like some people have already mentioned here, noones perfect and we all make mistakes. But you also have to be willing and understand that you must face the consequences of your actions, including facing the wife that you hurt in this case - she may or may not be aware, but unfortunately what has been done must be corrected which will take time of healing & forgiveness for you all.

I encourage you to stay focus on Jesus & let Him take control of the situation. Things will get better in time, like a rainbow after the storm. Will be praying for you sister ❤️
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,655
1,882
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#15
I think you need to meet privately with your pastor, and tell him what happened.

You need counseling from someone who's trained and experienced in dealing with these kinds of issues, who knows all parties involved, and who has authority to make ministerial decisions... that means your pastor.

You need to talk to your pastor.

You need to do it ASAP, before things get worse.

There are a lot of things your pastor may say, and advise... and I doubt any of his solutions are going to be very pleasant.
What you and this man did is probably going to wreck the man's marriage, and wreck his family, and wreck his ministry. and wreck both of your reputations permanently.
This is just how it is.
Jesus still loves you, but actions have consequences.

Since this is probably going to wreck the man's marriage, and his ministry, and both of your reputations, permanently, forever.. you better recognize how serious this is, and see if your pastor can help you minimize the damage. You better get some serious help as quickly as possible.

Unless you pack your bags, and move to another city, this WILL eventually come out.
Even if you pack and move away, it still might come out.
I would give this odds of pretty close to 100% that's it's going to come out eventually, and that if you don't do something serious, it's going to get even worse.
You need to go see your pastor, and get some serious help.

This man's marriage and ministry just got wrecked.
It's possible he'll lose his wife, kids, friends, family, home, car, finances, everything he owns, his ministry, every shred of his reputation, and maybe even his job.
This is very serious stuff.
You need to realize the gravity of this, and go get some serious help to try and minimize the damage... you need to get your pastor involved while there is still some small hope of salvaging this man's life.


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maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,655
1,882
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#16
Note:
What I wrote above wasn't suggesting you are more at fault than the man. That is NOT what I meant. I just meant that he is married, and he has a lot more to lose because of that.


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Troy1

New member
May 29, 2018
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#17
God never leaves we leave Him. God gives wisdom without finding fault. James 1:5 Stop all contact with him entirely. Read your bible and pray for guidance. Emotionally get neutral with God and where He leads you, follow that path. I don't know what that path is but be faithful be patient, honest and obedient. Take your emotions and give them to God. God does not call us to live in fear or shame. God knows the path forward and He will lead you down this path but you must follow. Gods love is the most powerful force in the world and He wants you to have all of it!! We as humans do our best to help. God knows exactly what to do. Do it!!
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
14,089
7,586
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#18
Hello Anon26...
First, welcome, and thanks for sharing. That was courageous.

Second, I have read the other responses, and I agree with some and disagree with others. Here are my thoughts:

You, by yourself, go to your pastor, confess your sin without naming the other party. Confess that it is a married man though. Further, confess to a mature sister in Christ--who is known to keep confidences--the whole story, including the man's name. Third, as hard as it is, surrender your involvement in that congregation into the Lord's hands. Let Him guide you as to whether it is best to stay or leave.

Leave a note with the mature sister to pass to the man, stating that you are breaking all contact (and do so!). She doesn't need to say anything to him... he will suspect she knows, and will have more reason to man up and confess. Don't go to him personally in any form, and don't go or write anything to his wife; it is his sin to confess to her.

Another contributor suggested counseling; if the pastor is a trained and/or experienced counselor, then go to him. Otherwise, find a mature Christian counselor. Many pastors aren't gifted in this area, even if they have years of pastoral experience, and can do more damage. Seek the reason why you went down this road in the first place; simply repenting won't deal with the roots.

May the Lord give you guidance and peace.
 

Mayflowe

Junior Member
Oct 6, 2016
68
29
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#19
I am a young single Christian woman of 26 years. I met a fellow church member outside of church, I knew him but at the time he didn’t know me. He plays an active role in church along with his wife. However, I made the worst mistake ever which was getting close to him. Initially it was nothing to me but a developing friendship but overtime it turned into something more and we got much closer, intimately, which of course I am ashamed to say. We agreed that we would not let it get to the stage of actual intercourse and that we should withdraw on the intimacy, however, it turned out that we didn’t exercise enough self-control and we eventually had intercourse on more than one occasions. It’s so painful, I’m burdened with guilt and shame, I feel like praying is pointless, worship is pointless, praising is pointless and I am not sure how to move on from here. We do not want it to continue because we know that it is wrong and God is definitely not pleased but I feel as if I’ve lost all connection with God. Do we need to publicly confess our sin to pastor and the church? Or can we just do a personal confession to God and repent? We definitely do not want this to be disclosed as it will be disgraceful for the both of us. I know it might not seem that way but we love God more than anything and are still committed to service for Him.
God loves you and He is here for you. Don't give up or go by what you are feeling because the enemy sometimes exploits our emotions and it is him who would want you to jack it all in and lose hope. Please don't let him take out another saint. Remember God's will is for you to live in full fellowship with Him and to restore you to full glory. Don't let the enemy lie to you. If you find all the Bible verses on repentance, restoration and forgiveness, you can confess to God, repent to Him and He is waiting to help you pray through His Holy Spirit, take you and restore you again. God will lead you into all truth if you let Him. We can't have faith in ourselves or in other people and their love but we can have faith in the Almighty God's great love, goodness and mercy which is more than a match for our sins. I hope you will let the man know that you need to cut off all ties with him. Please let God win and don't give up your faith. It is the most precious thing you have got, xx.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
31,425
9,496
113
65
Florida
#20
I am a young single Christian woman of 26 years. I met a fellow church member outside of church, I knew him but at the time he didn’t know me. He plays an active role in church along with his wife. However, I made the worst mistake ever which was getting close to him. Initially it was nothing to me but a developing friendship but overtime it turned into something more and we got much closer, intimately, which of course I am ashamed to say. We agreed that we would not let it get to the stage of actual intercourse and that we should withdraw on the intimacy, however, it turned out that we didn’t exercise enough self-control and we eventually had intercourse on more than one occasions. It’s so painful, I’m burdened with guilt and shame, I feel like praying is pointless, worship is pointless, praising is pointless and I am not sure how to move on from here. We do not want it to continue because we know that it is wrong and God is definitely not pleased but I feel as if I’ve lost all connection with God. Do we need to publicly confess our sin to pastor and the church? Or can we just do a personal confession to God and repent? We definitely do not want this to be disclosed as it will be disgraceful for the both of us. I know it might not seem that way but we love God more than anything and are still committed to service for Him.
There is no need for you to confess your sin to your pastor or anyone else but only to God. It is up to the other church member to confess his sin to his wife. Sadly, what happen probably destroyed the marriage but this type of sin can do this. My counsel is to break off all ties with this guy, find a new church and rededicate yourself to the Lord.

It is best for single or married people not to have serious friendship with members of the opposite sex that are married because destructive things can happen leading to ruin marriages and destroying yourself in the process. You can be friends but must keep it casual and somewhat distant. In your case, you must put this behind you and move forward alone. In the future be aware and not allow yourself to be put into a position again where you can be tempted to commit this type of sin.

There are others here that have been in similar situations so please know that you are not alone in this.

Glad to have you join our family. Welcome to CC.