An interesting question... for the guys!

[Jullianna]

I noticed no one applied the old school method of keeping men in church at bay. If you can handle the idea, wear your wedding ring! When & if he waves back at you, wave with your left hand. If he's looking for signals, he will see that one pretty clearly. If he continues after that, he's obviously a player & then you can brush him off. The direct approach isn't rude, if done with the right spirit. Also, MATURE christian men usually don't play such a smiley game, do they? I would think a mature christian would already be getting info on you before showing the "I'm interested" look.

I agree with this. I wore my rings for quite some time after my husband passed away. I figured, hey..they are MINE and I can wear them if I want to.

Well meaning friends will want to push you into more social scenarios before you really want to be there and are able to handle it emotionally. Wearing your wedding rings can actually spare you from wanting to punch jerks in the face who say things like, "So great to see you back in play!"

It has been a few years now and I have developed the skills to handle it better at this point. It is very tough after having been married for a very long time. The "rules" change when you aren't looking, so it's important to protect yourself and give yourself healing time.

BUT,like Pastor Steve said, wedding rings have little effect on players. Beware.

 

[iraasuup]

I agree with this. I wore my rings for quite some time after my husband passed away. I figured, hey..they are MINE and I can wear them if I want to.

Well meaning friends will want to push you into more social scenarios before you really want to be there and are able to handle it emotionally. Wearing your wedding rings can actually spare you from wanting to punch jerks in the face who say things like, "So great to see you back in play!"

It has been a few years now and I have developed the skills to handle it better at this point. It is very tough after having been married for a very long time. The "rules" change when you aren't looking, so it's important to protect yourself and give yourself healing time.

BUT,like Pastor Steve said, wedding rings have little effect on players. Beware.

Great idea, but I didn't keep my ring.

My situation is very complicated, and the ring was too painful for me. I had to come to terms that my marriage was over, wearing my ring every day just made that pain escalate. I prayed long and hard about it, and it wasn't a decision made lightly, but I actually sold my ring. Not because I needed/wanted money, but because I needed closure.

My whole marriage as it turns out was a complete sham. Looking at the ring on my finger every day wasn't 'symbolic' as it should be (of a lifelong commitment and union) but rather of the lies I had endured for 7 years. I just couldn't handle it.

It took me a lot os strength to make that decision, but I haven't had a single regret since. In fact the amount of money I got for it, was the exact amount I needed to process an application I had to pay for (which was expensive), so God used it for good there already! It has really helped me have closure and allowed me to move on.

So, yeah, that's kinda why this is a bit of a prediciment for me.

 

[iraasuup]

You make a good point! Ttaking into account the OP's age, and assuming the guy is around the same age, I was giving the guy the benefit of the doubt. I know not every one "grows up" but I was assuming this guy had. If this guy hasn't "grown up" then he obviously isn't worth the OP's time.

To answer that question, I know he is 31. But that's all I know about him. I don't even know his name.

I only know his age because I walled past him and a group of people who were chatting about his recent birthday and a dear old lady from church asked him how old he was... and I just happened to be walking past and overheard.

That's the sum total of information I have on this guy.

 

[Oncefallen]

I'm going to guess it's been a while since you played the field. As a single man, there is no getting information first. You just got to test the watrse. As far as her wearing the wedding ring, while that is a personal decision, doing it just to ward off Mr. Smiley seems dishonest.

In my opinion this is the best way for people to end up with a bunch of broken hearts. Jumping into a relationship with someone who is for all practical purposes a stranger is a sure fire way to end up developing emotional ties to someone who very well may turn out to be a horrible match. A wise man (or woman) will get to know someone on a level of friendship prior to jumping into a full blown relationship. If it turns out the person isn't a potential life partner then at least you've got a friend, whereas going the other route if the person ends up being unsuitable, invariably one if not both persons involved end up with a broken heart.

 

[Tryndawin]

In my opinion this is the best way for people to end up with a bunch of broken hearts. Jumping into a relationship with someone who is for all practical purposes a stranger is a sure fire way to end up developing emotional ties to someone who very well may turn out to be a horrible match. A wise man (or woman) will get to know someone on a level of friendship prior to jumping into a full blown relationship. If it turns out the person isn't a potential life partner then at least you've got a friend, whereas going the other route if the person ends up being unsuitable, invariably one if not both persons involved end up with a broken heart.

I was actually basing my statement off of this particular line ' I would think a mature christian would already be getting info on you before showing the "I'm interested" look.'
The way i took it was that he was suggesting the guy find out things about her before showing interest. What I meant is that as far as me personally, I will show interest and then get to know her. Not just jump in though I can see how it could be perceived that way. Im just the type that unless I am interested already I wont bother going any further. I think interest needs to be there first.

 

[iraasuup]

I think the thing I'm most struggling with is the whole moving into another relationship. I'm in no way ready now, but i was having a conversation with my friends the other night about this, which led to talking about the divorce process here in Aus and bla bla bla.

Okay, so, even though I legally have to wait 12 months to 'file' for divorce, I am wrestling with the notion that it's probably going to have to be ME that does the filing... knowing him as I do, I doubt he will make that move, especially since he's already moved on (and had done so even while we were married *sigh*). Everyone keeps telling me to just not bother filing until there's a need. This confuses me. The only 'NEED' I can think of, is if you're wanting to remarry.. right? However, that just doesn't sit right with me. How can I even THINK about getting close enough to someone else to even CONSIDER pursuing a relationship, until Im already legally divorced? Yet, people around me, even Christians, seem to think that because of the nature of my situation (how it happened, his behaviour etc) that in Gods eyes he has already divorced me, and so I am not bound to him... and therefore can date again anytime if I please (even while only separated). However, it doesnt feel right to me. I mean I questioned this, and people tell me, well move on. When you're ready for another relationship feel free to puruse one, if it gets serious and u want to re-marry then file for divorce. I'm like wwwwwwwwhaaa? No, that's not right? Am I the only one that thinks I must FIRST be legally divorced before even thinking about a new relationship??

So, having said all that. I'm looking for peoples opinions/advice. Obviously I'm not talking about starting a new relationship anytime soon, but say I meet someone, do I need to shelter myself from getting to know them or even getting close? If we form a friendship and both feel a connection, how can I even think about taking it further while I'm still legally married? I don't particularly want to be the one to 'serve' him with divorce papers. It's not like I want this, but it's abundantly clear to me that the marriage is over, he has told me in no uncertain terms just that, and his behaviour is a huge indicator too. I feel like I have to sit here for 12 months and endure suffering because the law tells me I have to, even thought in his heart he ended our marriage long ago (it took me a while to see it, and catch him out- and he was happy living a lie). Now, he's the one who wanted out when I confronted him, and he has said he doesnt love me, doesnt want to reconcile.. bla bla bla.. He's the one who doesn't want me anymore, so shouldnt I wait for him to divorce me? Problem is, I don't think he will.. he seems happy just to continue on with his newfound floosies regardless of our marriage.. soo.. any suggestions? I just want closure, so I can heal and move on!

 

[AnandaHya]

i would file for the divorce and see what he does. Why would you wait until you found someone else to file for it? that doesn't make sense to me.

Personally if it happened I would not want him to use our marriage as an excuse to break some other poor girl's heart with his lies of why he can't marry her.

 

[Jullianna]

Great idea, but I didn't keep my ring.

My situation is very complicated, and the ring was too painful for me. I had to come to terms that my marriage was over, wearing my ring every day just made that pain escalate. I prayed long and hard about it, and it wasn't a decision made lightly, but I actually sold my ring. Not because I needed/wanted money, but because I needed closure.

My whole marriage as it turns out was a complete sham. Looking at the ring on my finger every day wasn't 'symbolic' as it should be (of a lifelong commitment and union) but rather of the lies I had endured for 7 years. I just couldn't handle it.

It took me a lot os strength to make that decision, but I haven't had a single regret since. In fact the amount of money I got for it, was the exact amount I needed to process an application I had to pay for (which was expensive), so God used it for good there already! It has really helped me have closure and allowed me to move on.

So, yeah, that's kinda why this is a bit of a prediciment for me.

That's very understandable, Katie. I can't begin to imagine what it's like to feel that 7 years of your life was a lie.

Sorry we got offtrack with generalities, rather than your specific situation. I'm glad that you are so comfortable sharing your heart with us.

 

[Jullianna]

I think the thing I'm most struggling with is the whole moving into another relationship. I'm in no way ready now, but i was having a conversation with my friends the other night about this, which led to talking about the divorce process here in Aus and bla bla bla.

Okay, so, even though I legally have to wait 12 months to 'file' for divorce, I am wrestling with the notion that it's probably going to have to be ME that does the filing... knowing him as I do, I doubt he will make that move, especially since he's already moved on (and had done so even while we were married *sigh*). Everyone keeps telling me to just not bother filing until there's a need. This confuses me. The only 'NEED' I can think of, is if you're wanting to remarry.. right? However, that just doesn't sit right with me. How can I even THINK about getting close enough to someone else to even CONSIDER pursuing a relationship, until Im already legally divorced? Yet, people around me, even Christians, seem to think that because of the nature of my situation (how it happened, his behaviour etc) that in Gods eyes he has already divorced me, and so I am not bound to him... and therefore can date again anytime if I please (even while only separated). However, it doesnt feel right to me. I mean I questioned this, and people tell me, well move on. When you're ready for another relationship feel free to puruse one, if it gets serious and u want to re-marry then file for divorce. I'm like wwwwwwwwhaaa? No, that's not right? Am I the only one that thinks I must FIRST be legally divorced before even thinking about a new relationship??

So, having said all that. I'm looking for peoples opinions/advice. Obviously I'm not talking about starting a new relationship anytime soon, but say I meet someone, do I need to shelter myself from getting to know them or even getting close? If we form a friendship and both feel a connection, how can I even think about taking it further while I'm still legally married? I don't particularly want to be the one to 'serve' him with divorce papers. It's not like I want this, but it's abundantly clear to me that the marriage is over, he has told me in no uncertain terms just that, and his behaviour is a huge indicator too. I feel like I have to sit here for 12 months and endure suffering because the law tells me I have to, even thought in his heart he ended our marriage long ago (it took me a while to see it, and catch him out- and he was happy living a lie). Now, he's the one who wanted out when I confronted him, and he has said he doesnt love me, doesnt want to reconcile.. bla bla bla.. He's the one who doesn't want me anymore, so shouldnt I wait for him to divorce me? Problem is, I don't think he will.. he seems happy just to continue on with his newfound floosies regardless of our marriage.. soo.. any suggestions? I just want closure, so I can heal and move on!

It makes perfect sense to me that you would want complete closure, to be completely free before even considering a new relationship with someone. We can read the hurt, anger and frustration in your words. As long as you are still married, he has a certain amount of control over you, and it sure sounds like you've been hurt enough.

Just please take your time. File when YOU are ready. Date when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone pressure you. They don't have to deal with the consequences. You do, right? You've been hurt enough. Protect yourself for now.

If you should happen to meet someone along the way, great. If it's right, they'll still be there, huh? Just take your time. Pain, anger and loneliness can cloud our judgment. And rebound relationships are....not good.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Well then Katie, if the legality of the marriage is that important to you then I say to you file as soon as you can and don't wait for him to do it. You know where it probably lies on his list of priorities, right? You know the old saying..if you want something done you have to do it yourself. Someone I know just got their divorce finalized just yesterday after waiting years and she said it was like she "can breathe again!"

 

[zeroturbulence]

Well then Katie, if the legality of the marriage is that important to you then I say to you file as soon as you can and don't wait for him to do it. You know where it probably lies on his list of priorities, right? You know the old saying..if you want something done you have to do it yourself. Someone I know just got their divorce finalized just yesterday after waiting years and she said it was like she "can breathe again!"

I just want to be clear about something, Katie...

I'm not suggesting you file just so you can start dating again. I'm suggesting you file so you will have peace of mind instead of this conflict or being married and not married at the same time.

 

[iraasuup]

I just want to be clear about something, Katie...

I'm not suggesting you file just so you can start dating again. I'm suggesting you file so you will have peace of mind instead of this conflict or being married and not married at the same time.

I understand. If I could clear this whole mess up now, I would, but the law requires me to be separated 12mths before I can even file!

 

[Stuey]

Would it be possible to wear a ring on your wedding finger? Not your wedding ring, but just a ring you like.

Someone mentioned they thought it was lying... I wouldn't see it as this at all. What you are telling people is that you aren't interested in dating at the moment. A ring can mean you are engaged, I've even heard one girl in my former church who used to wear a ring on her wedding finger to avoid being hit on. If anyone tries anything on you can just subletly or not to subtlely flash show your hand.

Any chance of doing something like that?

This sounds so horrible Katie.

 

[nanabean]

Would it be possible to wear a ring on your wedding finger? Not your wedding ring, but just a ring you like.

Someone mentioned they thought it was lying... I wouldn't see it as this at all. What you are telling people is that you aren't interested in dating at the moment. A ring can mean you are engaged, I've even heard one girl in my former church who used to wear a ring on her wedding finger to avoid being hit on. If anyone tries anything on you can just subletly or not to subtlely flash show your hand.

Any chance of doing something like that?

This sounds so horrible Katie.

I agree. How is it lying, when legally, you ARE still married, and therefore not available?? I have no idea if wearing a 'substitute' wedding ring is something you would want to do, but there would be no dishonesty in doing so, if you chose to.

I don't even know what to say as advice in this situation with the guy at church. Just be natural, and I am sure it will turn out all right. You seem pretty sensible to me.

My heart and prayers go out to you....this cannot be an easy time. Rest in the Lord, and it will get better.......

 

[rainacorn]

So this thread isn't really about some guy smiling at you.

 

[LightningClap0002]

Well now, why don't you just come right out and say what's on your mind!

 

[FireWire]

I am reacting with righteous anger to insensitive way men treat their sisters on here, who are daughters of God. What do you think God feels it? He is upset as I am. I would tell off my own brother if he treated our sisters that way.

The only person who has reacted in righteous anger is Jesus himself. Our anger is not the same as Gods and is corrupted by sin. As indeed the bible says to be slow to anger likely for that reason. You'll find that in james.

 

[iraasuup]

Well, just an update.

Since I've had to start working Sundays, I haven't had a problem with Mr Smiley, and the couple of Sundays I have made it to church, he hasn't been there. Also, I'm moving to a new city in a few weeks. So, I guess now I'm armed with all the advice I need for any potential Mr. Smiley's I may encounter at my new church.

 

[LightningClap0002]

Well, just an update.

Since I've had to start working Sundays, I haven't had a problem with Mr Smiley, and the couple of Sundays I have made it to church, he hasn't been there. Also, I'm moving to a new city in a few weeks. So, I guess now I'm armed with all the advice I need for any potential Mr. Smiley's I may encounter at my new church.

Good luck with your move! I hope your church transition goes smoothly.

 

[iraasuup]

Good luck with your move! I hope your church transition goes smoothly.

Thanks! Me too. It's quite a big move, but it's time I move on and start over on my own! God is in control..and I'm exicted to see what he has lying in store for me in this next chapter of my life.