Crude Comments

[gypsygirl]

She did provide a link.

yes, she did. while i appreciate your point, the fact that she provided a link about her choice of pant doesn't negate the fact that people need to stop making assumptions about what people look like when the term "yoga pant" is used.

here on the forum, people talk about "yoga pants" all the time as if they are all one kind of style, and the only option is the one people seem to assume--probably because they are often vilified by those who want to make statements about modesty.

is that okay with you? : )

 

[Ugly]

yes, she did. while i appreciate your point, the fact that she provided a link about her choice of pant doesn't negate the fact that people need to stop making assumptions about what people look like when the term "yoga pant" is used.

here on the forum, people talk about "yoga pants" all the time as if they are all one kind of style, and the only option is the one people seem to assume--probably because they are often vilified by those who want to make statements about modesty.

is that okay with you? : )

You can make a stand in defense of yoga pants all you want, if you feel that's what is a priority to you. Don't need my approval.

 

[Hellooo]

When a 14 year old young Christian woman comes into the forum to ask for assistance in how to handle crude comments from a rude young man at school, I think it extremely important that we help her! If she was my daughter or granddaughter, I would certainly want the people of God to help her. She asked two specific questions, neither of which had anything to do with her choice of clothing.

She asked:
1. Anyone else had similar experiences?
2. How do you handle it?

Please address those questions and try to refrain from making her feel that the crude comments were warranted. Thank you.

Thank you so much for reiterating this VioletReigns.

Anyone else had similar experiences? How do you handle it?

I had an experience at a Target once where i was perusing through the sleepwear section and a male shopper told me i had the same exact body as his wife, and asked if he could have my measurements so he could shop for lingerie as a present for her. My initial response was a neutral "no thanks" and he quickly went into aggro-mode so I let him know where he could shove it and moved on to another area of the store.

If someone habitually makes inappropriate comments there's several options - you can firmly put them in their place, in some cases it might be appropriate to refuse to engage them entirely (if they seem to be the type that thrives on negative attention), you can report them (especially if this is repeated behavior that you're seeing in your class).
There's a balance somewhere, between asserting/defending yourself and showing grace to those who harass you, and I'll be the first to admit that i haven't quite found it. in my experience there doesn't seem to be a one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with this sort of thing, namely because there are some truly malicious people in the world, but it's important to convey that you don't tolerate those comments.

 

[RickyZ]

The pants are irrelavent, the boy was just being a jerk and probably got off on having disturbed you.

Next time,

don't react

go to the teacher

report the boy

thumb your nose at him as they drag him away.

If he repeats it again, repeat this except insert principal instead of teacher.

On the third offense, substitute police for principal.

 

[Lynx]

Hellooo: Wow, there's one pickup line I've never heard. I wonder if he got anyone to help him with his shopping...

I'm not a girl so I wouldn't be in that position, but I would recommend watching the guy covertly and if he sticks around hitting up all the women who come through that way, report it to a manager. Have to give the guy points for creative planning though.

 

[ServantStrike]

When a 14 year old young Christian woman comes into the forum to ask for assistance in how to handle crude comments from a rude young man at school, I think it extremely important that we help her! If she was my daughter or granddaughter, I would certainly want the people of God to help her. She asked two specific questions, neither of which had anything to do with her choice of clothing.

She asked:
1. Anyone else had similar experiences?
2. How do you handle it?

Please address those questions and try to refrain from making her feel that the crude comments were warranted. Thank you.

I thought I had answered those questions. The answer to question 1 is every one is going to have similar experiences at one point or another, with comments either directed at them or comments made while others are in their presence that make them feel uncomfortable.

The answer to question 2 is you do nothing. Nine times out of ten doing something about it only paints a larger target on your back and only makes things worse. Unless the comments cross a line where they start to turn dangerous (discussion about harm to you or others), you can't do much else other than to tell someone you didn't appreciate that remark and let's move on. Even if you can, getting a third party involved is a messy and inexact process.

Thank you so much for reiterating this VioletReigns.




I had an experience at a Target once where i was perusing through the sleepwear section and a male shopper told me i had the same exact body as his wife, and asked if he could have my measurements so he could shop for lingerie as a present for her. My initial response was a neutral "no thanks" and he quickly went into aggro-mode so I let him know where he could shove it and moved on to another area of the store.

If someone habitually makes inappropriate comments there's several options - you can firmly put them in their place, in some cases it might be appropriate to refuse to engage them entirely (if they seem to be the type that thrives on negative attention), you can report them (especially if this is repeated behavior that you're seeing in your class).
There's a balance somewhere, between asserting/defending yourself and showing grace to those who harass you, and I'll be the first to admit that i haven't quite found it. in my experience there doesn't seem to be a one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with this sort of thing, namely because there are some truly malicious people in the world, but it's important to convey that you don't tolerate those comments.

Wow, he used his marital status to hit on another woman.

That's pretty gutsy. Disgusting human being, but gutsy.

 

[Fenner]

In case anyone's wondering, here they are on target.com: click

Additonally, they hang loosely around my legs at all times and points, nothing skintight.

Those aren't the yoga pants I was thinking of. Those pants you're wearing seem modest to me.

 

[VioletReigns]

I thought I had answered those questions. The answer to question 1 is every one is going to have similar experiences at one point or another, with comments either directed at them or comments made while others are in their presence that make them feel uncomfortable.

The answer to question 2 is you do nothing. Nine times out of ten doing something about it only paints a larger target on your back and only makes things worse. Unless the comments cross a line where they start to turn dangerous (discussion about harm to you or others), you can't do much else other than to tell someone you didn't appreciate that remark and let's move on. Even if you can, getting a third party involved is a messy and inexact process.

Just out of curiosity ServantStrike, suppose some guy paid you a crude comment about your anatomy and suggested you continue to wear a certain thing for his pleasure. You would do nothing?? You honestly would not discourage him from talking to you like that?

Being on the board of directors for an anti-violence organization in our city, I can tell you that it is sexual harassment to make vulgar sexual comments to someone. Check out the national sexual assault hotline sometime and read the statistics and types of sexual violence. It reads: "Sexual harassment includes unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature that affects an individual's work or school performance." Doing nothing is not an acceptable solution.

 

[Hellooo]

That's pretty gutsy. Disgusting human being, but gutsy.

I personally wouldn't refer to the person in my situation as having been gutsy - quite the opposite, i found it pathetic and weak.

The pants are irrelavent

EXACTLY. THIS. i find it incredibly frustrating when the person being harassed is made to feel like they have to defend themselves- almost as if what a lady wears somehow determines whether she deserves the comments. catcalling, verbal harassment, or whatever you want to call it is *not* dichotomous with modesty.

I'm incredibly grateful that there are people who recognize that, and that there are men who go out on a limb to even protect those ladies who are actually in compromising situations - offering them a sweater, or having another lady discreetly mentioning that certain areas are exposed, making sure they get to their destination safely, or whatever it is that the situation calls for. So yes, LostBattle, the pants are irrelevant - there's zero excuse for his commenting

 

[MissCris]

I sat next to a boy in my high school English class who spent half his time during that hour harassing the girl in front of him about her low-rise jeans and her choice of underwear. So, admittedly, the girl was showing waaaay too much every time she sat down. But the guy still didn't have the right to say the things he said to her. After a few weeks of this, he made a particularly crude comment to her, and I wanted to turn and shove him out of his chair. Instead, I repeated what he said- loudly- and the teacher swooped in on the three of us. First, she chastised me for disrupting class. Then she sent the guy to the dean's office. And then, finally, she leaned in close to the girl and whispered, "I don't want to see your underpants again, got it?"

Sooo, that's obviously a bit different than the OP's situation, as the girl in my class Was partly at fault, but the point I'm taking forever to make is that in most cases of someone saying inappropriate things to another student at school, the reason it continues is because nobody brings it to the attention of someone who could stop it happening.

To the OP- I'd make a stink about it, if I were you. At the very least, hang back after class and ask to change seats. Explain why. There's no reason you should be spoken to like that.

 

[VioletReigns]

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever blame a victim for being harassed. Blaming the victim is abuse.

Verbal abuse includes bullying, defaming, defining, trivializing, harassing, diverting, interrogating, accusing, blaming, lying, berating, taunting, condemning, put downs, abuse disguised as a joke, discounting, threatening, name-calling, cursing, yelling and raging, to name a few off the top of my head.

We are all responsible for how we treat others no matter what clothing they are wearing. It is against the law to harass.

 

[Jeff_56]

EXEC
www . . . essene.com/History&Essenes/Exec.htm
well,

this <link> looks like it's not about modesty.... but I was directed to post it here for someone.

it is a very vivid and descriptive account of the crucifixion of the lamb of yahweh.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

Anyone else had similar experiences?

Similar, yes. From afar. I wasn't wearing anything provocative, either, just pants and a shirt (a long sleeve, even, if I remember correctly).

How do you handle it?

You can't do much about how crass people may be. Sometimes I think ignoring it makes the other person feel shunned and, consequently, ashamed ("sometimes"). You can speak up or ignore it (and there's always Willie's suggestion in learning to be snarky when it happens, too).

 

[Tintin]

EXEC
www . . . essene.com/History&Essenes/Exec.htm
well,

this <link> looks like it's not about modesty.... but I was directed to post it here for someone.

it is a very vivid and descriptive account of the crucifixion of the lamb of yahweh.

Jeff, sometimes you post the weirdest, most irrelevant content you possibly can. Why?

 

[ServantStrike]

Just out of curiosity ServantStrike, suppose some guy paid you a crude comment about your anatomy and suggested you continue to wear a certain thing for his pleasure. You would do nothing?? You honestly would not discourage him from talking to you like that?

Being on the board of directors for an anti-violence organization in our city, I can tell you that it is sexual harassment to make vulgar sexual comments to someone. Check out the national sexual assault hotline sometime and read the statistics and types of sexual violence. It reads: "Sexual harassment includes unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature that affects an individual's work or school performance." Doing nothing is not an acceptable solution.

You selectively read my post.

Notice how I said to tell the person you didn't appreciate the remark and move on? My advice is not to get a third party involved. It's messy, and it almost never works.


I'm a strong advocate of people learning to verbally defend themselves. If someone is giving you grief you don't have to sit there and take it - and people will think twice about crossing someone who tells them directly that they're not buying what the fool in front of them is selling. Conversely, unless the conversation takes a dark turn (and you feel threatened), getting a third party involved (a teacher, the police, etc) will take someone who is otherwise harmless and potentially turn them against you for good. And in the fallen world, there are others who will now join in on the harassment because you did run to an authority figure first.

Do what you've got to do, but think long and hard before running to any kind of authority.

Laws are reactionary and they are set up under the assumption that you're dealing with an honest person. Dishonest people don't follow laws. They are a lot like locks - they exist to keep honest people away. If someone isn't honest, they'll just break the dang lock.

 

[Deluge]

I really don't like jeans, they're uncomfortable

THANK YOU

Why aren't more people talking about this? Jeans are the worst! And while we're on the subject, ladies, I've heard dresses are pretty terrible as well, can anyone confirm this?

 

[PoetMary]

Seriously, I apologize on behalf of all the adults who've verbally spanked you about your outfit instead of actually listening to what you said.

The comment this young man made was clearly inappropriate, sexist, and a form of harassment. It is completely wrong for such comments to be made in a setting like school.

(As an aside for the adults, how would you feel about such a comment being made in a business setting to a woman no matter what she was wearing??????)

To me, you have a few options:

1. Report it to a teacher. Up-side: There may be some administrative intervention on your behalf. Downside: They may do nothing and then you're a tattle-tale.

2. Fight fire with fire. Deal with his shaming comment by shaming him back. Up-side: He'll probably shut up and leave you alone. Downside: It's not really Christlike and you risk him bringing more fire-power next time.

3. Call it like it is. Apparently, he's made comments like this to you before, and they're clearly pointed. He obviously delights in making you feel uncomfortable, shamed, etc. So, don't fall for it. His issue is NOT your shame. Do not own it. I think you should start praying for him. The next time he tries to engage you, tell him that you're praying for him.

 

[Lynx]

Actually it occurs to me that this kind of situation is exactly what baseball bats are made... for...

Never mind. Hush Lynx. Don't give her any ideas.

 

[CatHerder]

It's hard to breathe in the downward dog.

I do plenty of yoga pants while trying.

 

[seoulsearch]

It's hard to breathe in the downward dog.

I split plenty of yoga pants right down the middle while trying.

Fixed your post for you, Cat!

That's only because you choose pants that are so tight, not because you aren't fit and trim! (You've mentioned your successes in the forums... GREAT JOB! Now just choose some yoga pants that won't double as leotards and you're good to go. )