Dating/Marrying Someone with a History of Sexual Abuse.

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L

Liam

Banned
#41
Nov 13, 2009
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#41
In the end the only person who can help us is ourselves. That one post helped me cool down and destress so thank you. I tell myself that everything god put me through was do I could overcome it and help others and the fact you have lived the experince shows me that I'm not alone.

I just got mad because I haven't been around Christians and I expected so much more, something not so sheltered and idealistic. It's almost like some people don't realise when they're doing more harm than good. I've taken in do many people but I couldn't help one, they just become dependant and never move forward.

I'm sorry if I seem offencive but his words and methods nearly always are because as humans we rebell against it. :(
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#42
May 23, 2009
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#42
It's all right, Liam, thank you for your honesty and apology. I really do understand what you are saying as I've been in my share of co-dependent situations as well... whether it was me or the other party or both.

Let's face it, this is a very heated topic to begin with and we are bound to bring up a whole cacophony of strong emotions, no matter how civil we all try to be.

Thanks to everyone for staying respectful.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#43
May 23, 2009
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#43
Usually when people are very passionate about a subject... it means they have a lot of personal experience in the area. I suspect Liam has a very big heart underneath it all, with a lot of capacity for understanding. You can see the glimpses of it it in his posts.

But we've all been hurt, and even well-intended discussion can trigger an entire gamut of emotions.

Liam, you've mentioned trying to help a lot of other people... I pray that God will heal your own hurts as well.
 
F

FixYourWeave

Guest
#44
#44
Im not understanding why people are getting upset over all this. These are just forums. If you dont like what someone says, ignore it. I realize that this is a touchy subject for some, for myself as well, but no use in getting all riled up
 
L

Liam

Banned
#45
Nov 13, 2009
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#45
FixYourWeave said:
Im not understanding why people are getting upset over all this.
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ahhh... Because I am a single male and I don't have a good woman to stop me from saying stupid things?

I thought it was pretty apparent, Lol
 
Stand_Up_4_God

Stand_Up_4_God

Banned
#46
Apr 13, 2007
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#46
All I have to say is I stick to EVERYTHING I've said. No one chooses to be a victim. NO ONE. Nor is it their fault. We aren't evil, or whatever.... we don't ''kick, scream, and argue''. Again, you're saying that every single person who has been through that is the same way, NO WE ARE NOT. I'm not able to handle this....I found out a guy I went to school with from kindergarten through high school committed suicide, I can't take this right now.
 
L

Liam

Banned
#47
Nov 13, 2009
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#47
Yes you can. For someone who doesn't want to be s victim you sure put yourself in the possition quickly. Your friend is dead now, he was weak. Now he's going to hell he is chaft. Are you crying? It's not fair is it? None of it is. He did the same thing to me. I tried warning you. I told you not to be stuborn and opinionated and pray but now it's too late you forced His hand.

I lost a friend Joel because we argued at the bible study about speaking evil, yelled, told him he could goto he'll. He had a seizure and died a week later while I wad our of the country. I never got his forgiveness but I learned. You may not see it but this happened becaiise he loves you.
Because you won't be weak like this anymore, at least not when I'm done with you.

I'm going to give you a gift stand up, I'm going to let you hate me. blame me... Because I'm going to tell you the Truth: if you do quit if you do cave of you DONT deal with it not only will your friends ****ation be for nothing but every single child whose drunk uncle gets lonley, on yor conscience, every single poor kid on the otherside of a gloryhole in hong kong, every teenage girl whose boyfriend hears yes through her screams because that's what he wants, that's all on you because when He called you you ran.

Can you live with that? Knowing it all continues because you couldn't deal? Because you had am idea and stood behind that when you saw how scarey the truth is?

He WILL destroy you before He remakes you. Uptil then though, you can hate me. I'm good at being the bad guy.
 
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Stand_Up_4_God

Stand_Up_4_God

Banned
#48
Apr 13, 2007
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#48
Look Liam it's NOT my fault, I wasn't even his friend. I had no idea this happened, I never knew anything was going on, I was associated with him...how dare you blame me for crap I have nothing to do with and I had no idea about? I don't blame or hate you. But dude back off right now, you have more than crossed the line here.
 
Stand_Up_4_God

Stand_Up_4_God

Banned
#49
Apr 13, 2007
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#49
Dude I never saw or talked to this person, not since like 9th grade. That has been many years now. It's not my fault. I don't care what you say. You need to back off. I'm not going to have you saying things like that. I don't need you telling lies like that. You apperently have guilt of something you did, eating at you, so you tell others everything's their fault. Then telling them to die/ kill them self. You need some help.
 
L

Liam

Banned
#50
Nov 13, 2009
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#50
I never told you to kill yourself and someone deleted my post? And mow your reply makes what I said look worse than it was. Fine, I've done all I can do. You can learn the hard way, I'm genuinly sorry. What you're about to go through is the hardest thing ever. :(
 
Stand_Up_4_God

Stand_Up_4_God

Banned
#51
Apr 13, 2007
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#51
First of all, I didn't make anything you said look worse. You said it yourself. Second: A mod is the only one that can delete post. I have nothing to learn, whatever life brings, I've been through it. EVERYTHING. Believe me. I'm not going through anything with this person's death, as I said I hadn't seen, spoken with, or had any contact with this person in years now. I have nothing at all to learn(about things like this), God has shown me what I need to know about life. I might be young, but I've had it rough, but I"m thankful for that. I help others, I don't seek sympathy, or anything else. All I ask is you have more respect, because you were very disrespectful before. I'm not angry, I've prayed for you, and may God bless you.
 
L

Liam

Banned
#52
Nov 13, 2009
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#52
Stand_Up_4_God said:
First of all, I didn't make anything you said look worse. You said it yourself. Second: A mod is the only one that can delete post. I have nothing to learn, whatever life brings, I've been through it. EVERYTHING. Believe me. I'm not going through anything with this person's death, as I said I hadn't seen, spoken with, or had any contact with this person in years now. I have nothing at all to learn(about things like this), God has shown me what I need to know about life. I might be young, but I've had it rough, but I"m thankful for that. I help others, I don't seek sympathy, or anything else. All I ask is you have more respect, because you were very disrespectful before. I'm not angry, I've prayed for you, and may God bless you.
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Listen to yourself kiddo. That persons death didn't mean anything to you?
Why am I the only one who can see these things happening so early?!?
Look, does what you just said sound very Christian? Does it sound like something Jesus would say?
"someone died but that doesn't impact me I didn't speak to him in years"
god won't appear before you, you gotta learn to inturpret how he's talking to you.
 
K

kiwi_OT

Guest
#53
#53
seoulsearch said:
Oh, and just to clarify, I think I coped with my own wounds in this area by always trying to give... but in an unhealthy way. God has done a lot to bring me closure and peace... by teaching me a very hard lesson of not only forgiving my own abusers, but also those of others.

I once knew someone who had told me what had happened in their life... and their abuser would sometimes come into where we worked. This person would always beg me to wait on them so they wouldn't have to.

The first time I couldn't even look at the person because in all honesty, I felt like throwing up. The second time, I prayed, "God, please help me, I can't do this, I'm fighting this horrible urge to slam my fist into this person's face and I know that's not what you'd want me to do." He told me, "Kim, I want you to look into their eyes and (silently) forgive them."

Believe me, I had to ask for A LOT of help in doing that because I felt like forgiving that person would be betraying my friend. But God has made me face similar situations like this over and over again... He tells me, "Even if they (the person who was abused) can't forgive yet, I want you to forgive," and it's HARD. It takes me a while and God really has to push me into it.

But in doing so, God also helped me forgive those in my own past as well.
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Yes, I agree with this one. I think a sure fire way of knowing whether your relationship will be successful is is the person in fixating on Jesus not the abuse. And also forgiveness. The last time I ever saw my abuser was the day I ran away from home and left. I had a common symptom found in a lot of victims called disassociation where I deliberately blocked out abuse as a way of mentally surviving it. And the past few years every now and then I get a breakthrough in terms of remembering a certain piece of abuse I suffered, and allowing myself to mourn that pain and remembering what I went through but also to remember how God got me out. Then after that, I give myself time to forgive the man who did it by giving up all ideas of revenge and handing my anger over to God.

If you are dating someone who till has a lot of pain and bitterness and anger in them then its best not to date them. Support them yes, but remember dating someone like this is extremely emotionally draining on yourself. Dont allow them to play the "poor me" card and blackmail you or making you feel guilty in anyway to help you.

One issue that seems small but I realised recently affects me hard is attitude to time and circumstances. My abuser was very controlling when it came to doing things his way and on his timing and Ive found that whenever I go away from someones plans and they get annoyed - I tend to expect all hell to break loose and to be beaten. People like me need patience and gentle reminders that although organization is important, flexibility and unpredictability is not a crime that deserves severe punishment.

If you yourself struggle with impatience and a short temper - you are not helping things by dating this person as you will most likely make it worse. Just dont go there.
 
F

FixYourWeave

Guest
#54
#54
To address Liam and Stand up.

Liam, your a dick. ive talked to you, your the last person to give anyone advice on anything. Stop frontin man, your not who you say you are.

Stand up. Im so sorry about your friend killing himself! And im even sorrier that you have had the unfortunate experience of coming into contact with Liam. Please ignore everything he has said here. He has no idea what hes talking about.
 
Stand_Up_4_God

Stand_Up_4_God

Banned
#56
Apr 13, 2007
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#56
Liam, you're so off course here. I never said it didn't impact me. I said it did. However, I had nothing to do with his death. I'm doing my best to live a righteous life. I'm not in the wrong here, you are. Everything I said was in a loving way, and indeed what a Christian would say. You on the other hand, no. All I'm asking of you, is back off, and leave me alone about this.Again, I NEVER said it didn't impact me, that's YOUR words. I know how this stuff goes, and feels. I've lost my best friend of all times....who was like a sister to me. That has now been a little over a year ago. I've moved on though. I've coped with it. I know she's in heaven, it was much easier. I dealt with nothing but deaths for a year...over a year straight really. I'm happy with who and where I am in my walk with Christ. I know that He has a purpose for me, and I know what my purpose(s) are. telling others to just ''get over it'' is not one of them, nor is it a way to help them heal. Your bitterness and all towards those that have hurt you, is absolutely no excuse for how you have treated me. However, I'm not angry with you. I love you in Christ, I pray for you, and I really do hope and pray that God blesses you in so many ways and amounts that you can't keep up, and have to share the blessings. Again I tell you, I might be young, however, I know what life is, how it goes, etc. The good, the bad, the hard, the easy, the pretty, and the ugly so to speak. I'm not worried about things, because I have peace and joy. I don't dwell on things, I say okay it happened, this is how it has effected me, but I must control it and not allow it to control me, be strong for others, and if need be, have a bit of a ''break down'' or ''acceptance'' or whatever you want to call it time for myself. I cope, no big deal. God bless you, and please...PLEASE respect my wish, and drop this subject. Do not continue to drag it out and make things worse. That's all I ask for. Thank you in advance. :)
 
M

Mordred

Guest
#57
#57
Why would you even bother asking this question, the obvious answer is no. Be a statistic yourself.

once a cheater, always a cheater
once a jerk, always a jerk
once a sexual abuser, always a sexual abuser
 
Stand_Up_4_God

Stand_Up_4_God

Banned
#58
Apr 13, 2007
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#58
Mordred said:
Why would you even bother asking this question, the obvious answer is no. Be a statistic yourself.

once a cheater, always a cheater
once a jerk, always a jerk
once a sexual abuser, always a sexual abuser
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You misconstrued the question dear...the question was ''would you date or marry someone with a sexual abuse history'' they were a victim at one point...not the abuser.

For that part about the cheater, jerk, etc. Not always. For when someone finds Christ, they change totally. I use to have a bad lifestyle, really bad. I accepted Christ, I changed dramatically. Many have...as I'm sure you have as well...assuming you're a Christian that is. God bless you.:)
 
L

Liam

Banned
#59
Nov 13, 2009
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#59
Stand_Up_4_God said:
You misconstrued the question dear...the question was ''would you date or marry someone with a sexual abuse history'' they were a victim at one point...not the abuser.

For that part about the cheater, jerk, etc. Not always. For when someone finds Christ, they change totally. I use to have a bad lifestyle, really bad. I accepted Christ, I changed dramatically. Many have...as I'm sure you have as well...assuming you're a Christian that is. God bless you.:)
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I'm glad we agree. -hugs-

through christ everyone has a second chance
 
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Mordred

Guest
#60
#60
Im saying if it was me I wouldn't put myself into a situation like that
 
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