Dating/Marrying Someone with a History of Sexual Abuse.

[Liam]

Liam that is the most appalling thing Ive ever seen you write. Your message shows an extreme lack of sensitivity. Being sexually abused is not something you can put a bandaid over and be ok with ever after.
Sexual abuse is usually not just one encounter where they were raped or assaulted randomly. It is consistent occurance and its extremely terrifying to deal with and it tears the soul apart. Most women never heal from such a thing. What you need is to think less of yourself and your wants and needs. You have every right to ask for a healthy sex life when your married, but saying that abuse victims use their past against potential boyfriends is a disgusting stereotype.

Just dont go there.. You have obviously had unsuccessful relationships with abuse survivors but that certainly doesnt make you an expert on the matter.

And another thing, your note says you prepare for verbal flaming? If you expect verbal flaming on such a topic where you are well aware that what you say is insulting to many, then why do you say it? Do you enjoy it?

I myself have suffered from sexual abuse so yes I know first hand exactly how to handle this situation like an adult. You deal with it and move on or you give them power over you andvyou xan never really get past it. To answer your question--why do I say it if it will offend people?

I do that because that's what tge bible tells me to do, sorry if it offends you but maybe that's something you should be looking at. I put the truth out there as it is not as society is comfortable with, if you don't like what you see change it. There are too many people in this day and age that let preconditioned behavour warent their judgement of what is and is not acceptable in society.

In short if I don't speak out, no one will. We needs to face these problems and overcome them instead of enabling them.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hear hear! Well said

You know what I find annoying? Ive worked so darn hard to heal from my past and have had subtantial breakthrough in my spiritual and emotional growth that when I tell people my testimony, a lot of people dont believe me because Im far too 'chirpy.' Like apparently its wrong or something to mentally well etc. I do consider myself very lucky and blessed in the fact that God has been my therapist as well as other professions. It was a good collaboration. But Ive been told - "But your just so happy and caring.. You cant have been abused or you'd be a bit messed up a bit wouldnt you?" GRRR

Melody,

I think you should teach classes! Honestly! I'd sign up in a heartbeat.

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

Hear hear! Well said

You know what I find annoying? Ive worked so darn hard to heal from my past and have had subtantial breakthrough in my spiritual and emotional growth that when I tell people my testimony, a lot of people dont believe me because Im far too 'chirpy.' Like apparently its wrong or something to mentally well etc. I do consider myself very lucky and blessed in the fact that God has been my therapist as well as other professions. It was a good collaboration. But Ive been told - "But your just so happy and caring.. You cant have been abused or you'd be a bit messed up a bit wouldnt you?" GRRR

Indeed sis, God is the only One we need for any sort of counseling, or whatever. The thing is, you reach a level of healing and deliverance where you're just chipper and things all the time. It's not wearing a mask, it's the true you. The you, that the Lord made. The you He wanted, intended, and created for us to be. Don't allow anyone to drag you down...I was talking with a friend last night/this morning, on this issue....I didn't mention names out of respect for everyone....but I told him, I said you know...some of the things a certain person said, were just cold, cruel,uncalled for, and more...they're just trying to drag us back down, and into being a victim all over again. However, I for one, refuse to allow that to happen...it had to be...oh well never mind, I don't want to say anything that might be taken wrong. At any rate, it's going to be fine...for all of us...for we have the One, True, Only, and Living God...the most powerful, awesome, Almighty!

Oh yeah...on that note about being chipper...I'm the same way! A great big ole smile and joy! Peace, love, so many things! Reaching out to others, best you can do!

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

I know it says Liam was banned, but in response to him saying the Bible tells him to do this...no it doesn't. God's word doesn't say to tell others to just get over it. It says to ''comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God.''Isaiah 40:1 it also says ''Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. '' 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Also, it's not right to act like only one person can speak up and make a difference...as he did...nor do we enable things, we deal with them at our own ''speed'' and things...the way in which God works, not our own choice Keep being strong, and God bless.

 

[machew]

Wow this was a pretty heated discussion.

So here is my 2 cents...

If someone was sexually abused, you have to ask yourself, am I helping this person by getting into a relationship with them? I know a lot of the time it is so easy to get into a relationship with them because of physical attraction. But, if the only thing that gets you into a romantic relationship with the person is your attraction to them, then you have a shallow and selfish relationship at best. This type of relationship most likely will end and not end well. Most of the time these types of relationships ends when one of the people in the relationship loses attraction for the other or someone's needs are being met, which can happen quite quickly.

Liam: you seem to have been hurt in the past multiple times because of these types of relationships. If you read this, my suggestion to you is to not get into a relationship where the girl is relying on you to heal. When the person you are dating is relying on you for any hole in their heart instead of God, you are in an unhealthy relationship that will only make things worse in the end. A needy person will always try to control the relationship in order to get their needs met. The best thing you can do is to give them over to God and let God heal their wounds.

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

Wow this was a pretty heated discussion.

So here is my 2 cents...

If someone was sexually abused, you have to ask yourself, am I helping this person by getting into a relationship with them? I know a lot of the time it is so easy to get into a relationship with them because of physical attraction. But, if the only thing that gets you into a romantic relationship with the person is your attraction to them, then you have a shallow and selfish relationship at best. This type of relationship most likely will end and not end well. Most of the time these types of relationships ends when one of the people in the relationship loses attraction for the other or someone's needs are being met, which can happen quite quickly.

Liam: you seem to have been hurt in the past multiple times because of these types of relationships. If you read this, my suggestion to you is to not get into a relationship where the girl is relying on you to heal. When the person you are dating is relying on you for any hole in their heart instead of God, you are in an unhealthy relationship that will only make things worse in the end. A needy person will always try to control the relationship in order to get their needs met. The best thing you can do is to give them over to God and let God heal their wounds.

I doubt that he will read it, as he was banned....unless he signs on as a guest or something and then reads it. However, your advise is very wise. That's what everyone here tried to tell him. Don't assume, judge, and label everyone as a victim first of all, secondly, if they were once a victim, and are now a survivor, chances are you won't have issues with that. Third of all, don't get involved with someone that's so consumed with the past and all.

Someone male or female, shouldn't be in a relationship just based on a physical attraction, totally agreed. There should be many more reasons, and even more important attractions. Also, I say those who have been a victim, and are now survivors, are very strong. I mean look at all they've been through, they relied on God to heal them, fill that void, repair that hole in the heart, etc. It takes strength not only to heal, but to even turn to and trust in God for those things.

So many seek healing, but in the wrong ways. They think well, I'll get with someone, who will show me that not all men are the same. That ends up making matters much, much worse for them. It indeed leads to many problems, and ends very badly as you said. We all, must remember that Jesus is the answer, the I am, the beginning and the end, the Alpha and Omega, the only One we need and should turn to for what is needed not only for this type of issue, but all issues in life.

Again, very wise advise. Also thank you for being kind with your words, and not harsh, not judging anyone, and so on. That's appreciated more than you know. God bless.

 

[kiwi_OT]

I myself have suffered from sexual abuse so yes I know first hand exactly how to handle this situation like an adult. You deal with it and move on or you give them power over you andvyou xan never really get past it. To answer your question--why do I say it if it will offend people?

I do that because that's what tge bible tells me to do, sorry if it offends you but maybe that's something you should be looking at. I put the truth out there as it is not as society is comfortable with, if you don't like what you see change it. There are too many people in this day and age that let preconditioned behavour warent their judgement of what is and is not acceptable in society.

In short if I don't speak out, no one will. We needs to face these problems and overcome them instead of enabling them.

Im doing both Liam. I want to discuss topics like this as well as changing it. Ive had a calling since I was 16 to be a therapist and now Im in my last year of college before I go out and work with those who have been abused. My only issue is trying to figure out a way of balancing my being a therapist with ethical constraints over my head (the establishment frowns on therapist-client spiritual healing because then the relationship has to forgo professional boundaries) while also being a christian who really sometimes just wants to pray over people in church but know they need OT. Its a juggling act that Ive really handed over to God to sort out later.

 

[kiwi_OT]

Ive been talking to a few people about this really and how I want to run this in my life really.
I have a massive passion for reaching women and children in refuge shelters and providing support there and eventually leading them back to church and setting up groups and programs and any other services that is needed for them. Also passionate about being a part time youth leader and educating teenagers about abuse. I feel a lot of the times, Christians as a community become very narrow minded on sexual and domestic abuse because the majority of them were raised in sheltered loving homes. I think exposing young people to the nature of something like this will widen their eyes and make them more willing to accept and love those from such backgrounds. And will in turn assist them in ministering to those in their schools who they suspect are being abused and how to reach out to them.
Im also aiming to work next year at a high security prison psychiatric facility (its a mens prison for those who declared insanity for violent crimes) to counsel and assist the men in regaining skills and providing cognitive behavioural therapy. Ive had to heavily prepare myself for this role (still am) and the efffect it will have on me. But Ive felt God say to me, that by working with only hurt women and children I will then become angry and imbittered by the perpetrators, and they need just as much healing as the women (but in a different way). At some point throughout this busy life, Id love to get involved in children and womens ministries overseas as well - particularly with the rehabilitation of child soldiers in Africa.
I hope God will help me do all of this stuff. Lol And be a wife and mum as well lolololol.

At the end of the day - domestic and sexual abuse in my opinion is one of Satans favorite tactics in ruining the human race. It is like a virus that affects generation after generation - an evil cycle. Both men and women need to stand up on this issue and spit on those plans. Allow ourselves to be challenged in attitude and let the holy spirit shift our paradigms just like he did with Peter (a stubborn racist - Acts 10) and Paul (a murdering pharisee bigot).

Can I hear an AMEN! lololol

 

[Mordred]

All guys want is sex. So, if you've been a victim of sexual abuse, it's PROBABLY BEST not to get into a relationship with a guy, cause you know, they only in it for the good times right?

 

[Mordred]

yeah I know its uncalled for, and not very wishful thinking. Sometimes im too sarcastic it seems evil, always have to weigh the scale and look at both sides.

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

Not all guys want just one thing....there's those whom are in love with God enough to wait for Him to say 'this is the one' and everything. The thing is, the man and woman/guy and girl or however you want to say it, should both be focused on the Lord, and in love with Him enough to say you know what, the Lord said to wait for those things and I shall obey Him, His word, and His command. ''For the Lord hath said, if ye love Me, then ye shall keep My commandments''. Again, there's a difference in a 'victim' and a 'survivor' I can't stress that enough to everyone out there. Anyhow, I understand what you're saying, and yes even the men closest to God can have issues/struggles with lust, BUT the Lord is our strength, and they can control things. Many do. God bless.

 

[Psalm2713]

Liams rogue gallery Of ex-gfs are all messed up people who needed help. I had the biggest hero complex. Thing is once yOu help someone deal with all their crap they always wanna move on. I wouldn't recomend anyone try it. It's hard smiling at an airport as someone thanks you profusley and walks away to take back "thier" life. And they always do. They always love you and crawl back in need of support or answers but they never stay.

this is mostly not true.. they leave because they have to.. but otherwise they will love you forever if you had helped them....

 

[Forlorn-Hope]

Liams rogue gallery Of ex-gfs are all messed up people who needed help. I had the biggest hero complex. Thing is once yOu help someone deal with all their crap they always wanna move on. I wouldn't recomend anyone try it. It's hard smiling at an airport as someone thanks you profusley and walks away to take back "thier" life. And they always do. They always love you and crawl back in need of support or answers but they never stay.

Same problem mate I feel yer pain -_-

 

[princessbella]

Kiwi you hear an amen, that is a massive pashion of mine... the cycle of abuse physical , emmotional and sexual what goes through the generations, its a destructive patern what needs to be broken...
havign experienced sexual abuse myself and a dad who has been alcohol dependant and how it affects future relationships, more needs to be done in ministering to men and women whove been in any kind of abusive situation to bring healing the church does not have the facilities to deal with it, and the behaviour problems what come out as a result of it...

i myself have struggled to get healing and restoration for my own issues and sometimes ive felt like im fighting it on my own and no one seems to understand and alot of christian guys esecially are not able to deal with it especially the alternate clingy insecure, or pushing away behaviour when im not doing great, bit like you at other times im totaly chipper so its like well are you putting it on.

Ive been talking to a few people about this really and how I want to run this in my life really.
I have a massive passion for reaching women and children in refuge shelters and providing support there and eventually leading them back to church and setting up groups and programs and any other services that is needed for them. Also passionate about being a part time youth leader and educating teenagers about abuse. I feel a lot of the times, Christians as a community become very narrow minded on sexual and domestic abuse because the majority of them were raised in sheltered loving homes. I think exposing young people to the nature of something like this will widen their eyes and make them more willing to accept and love those from such backgrounds. And will in turn assist them in ministering to those in their schools who they suspect are being abused and how to reach out to them.
Im also aiming to work next year at a high security prison psychiatric facility (its a mens prison for those who declared insanity for violent crimes) to counsel and assist the men in regaining skills and providing cognitive behavioural therapy. Ive had to heavily prepare myself for this role (still am) and the efffect it will have on me. But Ive felt God say to me, that by working with only hurt women and children I will then become angry and imbittered by the perpetrators, and they need just as much healing as the women (but in a different way). At some point throughout this busy life, Id love to get involved in children and womens ministries overseas as well - particularly with the rehabilitation of child soldiers in Africa.
I hope God will help me do all of this stuff. Lol And be a wife and mum as well lolololol.

At the end of the day - domestic and sexual abuse in my opinion is one of Satans favorite tactics in ruining the human race. It is like a virus that affects generation after generation - an evil cycle. Both men and women need to stand up on this issue and spit on those plans. Allow ourselves to be challenged in attitude and let the holy spirit shift our paradigms just like he did with Peter (a stubborn racist - Acts 10) and Paul (a murdering pharisee bigot).

Can I hear an AMEN! lololol

 

[Jullianna]

It's so hurtful to me that something God intended to be so beautiful and precious has been used to wound so many. I pray healing into the lives of those who are hurting here and I pray that, once that healing has taken place, God will allow you to trust again and send someone into your life who can truly show you that all men/women are not like the ones you've known before.

Don't settle for someone who will continue to abuse you because you think you don't deserve better. And don't go into a relationship with someone before you have dealt with your issues thinking that they will be the one to "save you", even though they think they can too. We see that time and time again. That's a lot to load onto someone and it can doom the relationship from the start.

Please allow that healing to take place because, if you don't, it will continue to affect your relationships with the opposite gender and, should you have children one day, it can affect the things you teach them. Don't allow it to defeat you and harm those you love and your relationships with them. God loves you so much and wants much more for you than this.

By the grace of God I have not experienced this first hand, but have seen far too much of it in my extended family and in my work. Men and women who repeat the same cycle over and over and over...allowing it to scar the next generation as well. Don't let the abusers win. Allow God to stop the cycle in your life now.

 

[Cabbage]

I'm 18 and a survivor of sexual abuse by a youth pastor. It has been a forever long journey. It is in the courts and I do still have some baggage. I am still going to the same church. I am dating the music minister who is 20. We grew up as childhood friends. We have limited the physical aspects of our relationship to very minimum. We have both made a vow to keep our relationship pure and also to not kiss until we are married. I know that is probably sometimes really hard, but he has been great. There are certain things like when he puts his seat back to lay down in the car that freak me out, but we are slowly overcoming the battle together. I feel really bad and at times want to break up just because I don't want him to go on this rough journey with me.