Do people realize when they aren't healing?

[Grace-Like-Rain]

In this fallen world, we are always continually healing from hurts of the past, in all stages of our lives. Except when we aren't healing at all. When we are at a total stand-still.

I am becoming more and more concerned about a friend that I have who went through a very similar experience as me (affair, abandonment, etc) except her situation occurred many many years ago. Like... 35-40 years ago.

What alarms me is that she is so very unhappy in life. She is one of those people who is NEVER doing "well" when you ask. She immediately responds with all of her woes. Never in the 14 years I've known her has she told me she's doing well, or feeling well, or is happy. She just has this huge dark spirit of pain and misery hovering over her.

After many conversations with her I realized that she never healed or got over the failure of her marriage. It is a daily struggle for her, even after all these years. She told me this week that she drove past her ex-husband's house and noticed he'd put a new roof on, and this just sent her into the darkest depression. She wept, talking about it. She never remarried, is very much alone, and has a lot of bitterness and sadness over her ex and her divorce.

I can totally relate to the struggle of course... but I am so heartbroken for her, because I feel that if she would just forgive this man and put this all behind her, she might find some happiness. I wonder if she realizes that she hasn't ever forgiven, and hasn't ever let go. How do we know when we are healing properly? Do you feel that it would be beneficial for someone to tell her that she needs to let go? Would that seem insensitive? I know that her pain is very real and alive, but it is literally crippling her quality of life and I don't think she realizes it at all.

It makes me wonder if people who are stalled in their healing process realize it or are oblivious to it. I wonder how much is situational and how much is personality (the ability to get up and move on in life). I wonder how their lives would look if they had been able to deal with the issues and find closure for themselves. I wonder how we can help them.

 

[egeiro]

The sad thing about bitterness and unforgiveness, is that it can easily go under the radar. I find that the world believes people are entitled to hold on to both bitterness and unforgiveness where as the Word warns us about the self-harm these two components cause in our lives.

It can possibly be a hard thought pattern to break off. I find forgiveness is a very counter-cultural response than what most people are used to. People tend to take a stance and say, 'But look what has happened to me, I did not deserve this so I will hold this against them', where as forgiveness is releasing someone from the debt you may feel untitled to cling to.

I've had instances where I thought I had forgiven someone when in reality I hadn't. I wasn't even angry at these people, but I was scared of them. Every time I drove past these people's house, I would lock up in fear, wind my windows up and would never look at their front lawn. Never. But I was still holding on to old and allowing the past to control my present. I wasn't healed... and although I had a sudden and very real emotional response, it was hard to identify that as unforgiveness.

Personally, I would tell people gently if they are still marinating in unforgiveness. I know what it feels like, it is horrible like decay and callouses the heart. Jesus didn't warn us about unforgiveness for no reason, it literally sickens our souls and not only that, but even health research today is seeing scientific links between it and the health of our physical bodies.

We have been forgiven of much, so we in turn are to release people through forgiveness.

One morning, I was talking to Christian's younger brother about my experience visiting a church he sometimes attended. I honestly answered, saying it reminded me of my old church where I had a horrible experience. I then added some things and so on and so forth. Now this young man, who I usually had fun goofing off with, looked me square in the eye and said, 'Arlene, I think you may need to take this to Jesus. It sounds like you still have unforgiveness towards your old church'. I was so convicted, and he was right. And you know what, I know I have a brother in Christ in him because he gave it to me straight and he said how it is and I am now better for it. He didn't want to see me simmering in this bitterness.

It can be hard to ask people to re-visit the core of the pain with you. I can only say, it is like being a little child, caught in the floodlights with your weeping heart on the surgical table. It is a tender process for a steady hand, one lead and bound in love. But we shouldn't fear vulnerability, we shouldn't fear transparency (to the right people). Now, more than ever, in a society that thrives on isolation, we need windows to our hearts and courage to let people look in.

 

[Desdichado]

It shows we have some control over how we choose to live and be in response to disaster.

 

[Faithful_Fay]

It makes me wonder if people who are stalled in their healing process realize it or are oblivious to it. I wonder how much is situational and how much is personality (the ability to get up and move on in life). I wonder how their lives would look if they had been able to deal with the issues and find closure for themselves. I wonder how we can help them.

I think that we're either oblivious or deliberately holding on to past grievances or hurts. I've been in a situation where I've been reminded to forgive. It was a complete surprise to me, but I like to think I was receptive. I had to examine my feelings/actions and turn to God. I had no idea I was still upset, as odd as it might sound. I'm so grateful to the person who took a chance and helped me.

Other times, we relish holding onto the feelings of anger, bitterness, and so on. As sad as it is, there is a false sense of satisfaction in holding on to hurt feelings.

I don't think that it would be insensitive to share your feelings with your friend. From reading the post, I get only loving concern, and being friends for so long can mean a good solid foundation of friendship. But, it can be difficult to gauge where on spectrum she lies of forgiveness and bitterness. Maybe she will still be offended, but the words will still resonate, i think.

 

[Hellooo]

I keep this proverb posted on my desktop monitor at work, I find it apropos to your experience grace_like_rain:

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

 

[Olerica]

I don't think that people see that they are stuck in past hurts sometimes. Sometimes they do see it, yet feel powerless to move on - or they are not sure how to do it. And then being stuck folds the hurt in on itself... I don't know too many men running towards a woman who has not let go of her past.

As a sister in Christ, and as someone who has been through something similar, I would prayerfully consider going to her gently and talking to her, "I notice that you seem still so hurt by what happened and so unhappy with where you are now. How can I encourage you?"

I've noted over the years, having dealt with abuse, neglect, hurts and grief in various forms, that there are people who like the attention that they receive by being damaged. We all have hurts and damage, but these people often glorify how hard things are and don't make moves to grow beyond that space of hurt. They get negatively reinforced. So, the hurts feel good. Mind, they don't feel as good as true freedom... but how is that person to know when they are given extra care, sympathy, tenderness instead of encouragement to deal with the wound.

A wound that old isn't going to be pleasant to open and excise... But if you can, if you feel led (and by your post, I think you might - God doesn't give insight in a vacuum) start interceding for this woman. You have experiences in this arena, you can speak life into that situation. God DOES perform miracles. He's going to give you the words to say, or prayers to pray. Just WATCH HIM work!

How exciting to be put in a place to watch God change a life. Encourage her when you see her choosing God's redemption for her past. What beauty lies ahead for this woman! God bless you both!!

 

[seoulsearch]

Wow, Grace, I had to read your post twice and then walk away for a while to think about it. Awesome post.

What you've written is so incredibly familiar, both because I know many people like this and because it's something I've had to face in myself as well.

Isn't it odd how we can sometimes get so used to a negative situation that we keep going back to it even long after God is calling us to move on? The past few weeks, I had been working so much that on my day off, I felt restless and unable to relax, because I keep thinking, "I HAVE to be back at work..." even though the constant activity was causing me to break down.

Sometimes a wound becomes so familiar, it becomes our identity and Who We Think We Are: it's no longer, "Hi, I'm Jane," but, "Hi, I'm... the Woman Who Was Rejected By Her Husband." I've fallen into this trap all too often. It even becomes a bonding experience--I've lived in 3 completely different areas of the United States, and always found the same thing: people see me as this happy-go-lucky Pollyanna who has a picture pretty life... UNLESS I talk about the pain I've been through. Only then do they start to believe and relate to me on a more personal level. And so, pain can become your way to fit in. The thought of letting it go never occurs to you when you're surrounded by other people who are trapped in misery as well. It's almost like drinking among the party crowd--you don't fit in unless you have some terrible tale of woe that can live up to everyone else's.

I've been trying to find the right Bible passage for this because I remember a footnote in my Bible that said sometimes, in order to heal us, God has to take us back to our worst moments of pain, whether in memory or in a situation, that re-creates the pain and "resets the bone," because it has healed improperly. The really scary part is that this can mean a really BIG, painful re-break, and very few people are willing to go through that. Most people would rather choose the pain that's become familiar to them rather than a pain that will seem new to them all over again. I felt that pain when I made my first major move. I was having panic attacks 4 times a day and when I asked God what was going on, I believe He told me the "bones" in my soul hadn't healed correctly... and He was re-breaking them in order to set me on the right path.

I've had times in my life as well in which I think I was guilty of not healing because I felt so hurt all the time. God usually tests me through dreams or certain situations in my life that are like reliving the pain all over again. I know I'm getting better when I have a dream that reminds me of the past and feel sad, but in a day or week or whatever it takes, I'm over it. I'm thankful He keeps working with me, and has often been healing me even when I am unaware of it. One of the things I had to do was get away from where the hurt took place and cut ties with people from the past, which was very hard for me to do, because it was truly starting over in every possible way.

The hard truth is that I think healing can take a lot of work. We would all love to go to bed at night and wake up miraculously healed, but that's usually not what happens. The pain often occurred over many years, and I think the process of healing is often like that too. If someone has a major injury it can take months or years of intensive training, exercise, and therapy that the person must CHOOSE to go through. I think internal injuries are the same--we have to choose to read our Bibles and take in the good things that will heal us even if they don't "taste" or "feel" right, just like we usually don't want to eat brussel sprouts instead of ice cream and exercise for an hour 3 times a week. But it's necessary in order for our bodies and souls to recover and be healthy.

Unfortunately for your friend, if she's unwilling to do this, there is nothing we can do but pray for her, and, if need be, let the person go, especially if they are dragging us back onto the path of misery right along with them. Samuel loved Saul dearly but even God eventually told Samuel, "How long are you going to cry over this guy? He's made his choice and refuses to budge from it. Let's go, because I have someone else for you to work with."

Just as we can't heal an obese friend who won't make the necessary changes to be healthy, we also can't heal someone whose soul has become obese on the pain and misery they choose to keep feeding on if they won't choose things that will bring joy and life. And I'm talking to myself just as much as anyone else.

(Grace, I know that just having a friend like you inspires ME to be more joyful and appreciative of life just from being around your kind, compassionate spirit.)

 

[Willie-T]

I don't think most people even realize they NEED healing.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Wow, Grace, I had to read your post twice and then walk away for a while to think about it. Awesome post.

What you've written is so incredibly familiar, both because I know many people like this and because it's something I've had to face in myself as well.

Isn't it odd how we can sometimes get so used to a negative situation that we keep going back to it even long after God is calling us to move on? The past few weeks, I had been working so much that on my day off, I felt restless and unable to relax, because I keep thinking, "I HAVE to be back at work..." even though the constant activity was causing me to break down.

Sometimes a wound becomes so familiar, it becomes our identity and Who We Think We Are: it's no longer, "Hi, I'm Jane," but, "Hi, I'm... the Woman Who Was Rejected By Her Husband." I've fallen into this trap all too often. It even becomes a bonding experience--I've lived in 3 completely different areas of the United States, and always found the same thing: people see me as this happy-go-lucky Pollyanna who has a picture pretty life... UNLESS I talk about the pain I've been through. Only then do they start to believe and relate to me on a more personal level. And so, pain can become your way to fit in. The thought of letting it go never occurs to you when you're surrounded by other people who are trapped in misery as well. It's almost like drinking among the party crowd--you don't fit in unless you have some terrible tale of woe that can live up to everyone else's.

I've been trying to find the right Bible passage for this because I remember a footnote in my Bible that said sometimes, in order to heal us, God has to take us back to our worst moments of pain, whether in memory or in a situation, that re-creates the pain and "resets the bone," because it has healed improperly. The really scary part is that this can mean a really BIG, painful re-break, and very few people are willing to go through that. Most people would rather choose the pain that's become familiar to them rather than a pain that will seem new to them all over again. I felt that pain when I made my first major move. I was having panic attacks 4 times a day and when I asked God what was going on, I believe He told me the "bones" in my soul hadn't healed correctly... and He was re-breaking them in order to set me on the right path.

I've had times in my life as well in which I think I was guilty of not healing because I felt so hurt all the time. God usually tests me through dreams or certain situations in my life that are like reliving the pain all over again. I know I'm getting better when I have a dream that reminds me of the past and feel sad, but in a day or week or whatever it takes, I'm over it. I'm thankful He keeps working with me, and has often been healing me even when I am unaware of it. One of the things I had to do was get away from where the hurt took place and cut ties with people from the past, which was very hard for me to do, because it was truly starting over in every possible way.

The hard truth is that I think healing can take a lot of work. We would all love to go to bed at night and wake up miraculously healed, but that's usually not what happens. The pain often occurred over many years, and I think the process of healing is often like that too. If someone has a major injury it can take months or years of intensive training, exercise, and therapy that the person must CHOOSE to go through. I think internal injuries are the same--we have to choose to read our Bibles and take in the good things that will heal us even if they don't "taste" or "feel" right, just like we usually don't want to eat brussel sprouts instead of ice cream and exercise for an hour 3 times a week. But it's necessary in order for our bodies and souls to recover and be healthy.

Unfortunately for your friend, if she's unwilling to do this, there is nothing we can do but pray for her, and, if need be, let the person go, especially if they are dragging us back onto the path of misery right along with them. Samuel loved Saul dearly but even God eventually told Samuel, "How long are you going to cry over this guy? He's made his choice and refuses to budge from it. Let's go, because I have someone else for you to work with."

Just as we can't heal an obese friend who won't make the necessary changes to be healthy, we also can't heal someone whose soul has become obese on the pain and misery they choose to keep feeding on if they won't choose things that will bring joy and life. And I'm talking to myself just as much as anyone else.

(Grace, I know that just having a friend like you inspires ME to be more joyful and appreciative of life just from being around your kind, compassionate spirit.)

This. Is an amazing post. Kim, your ability to read into situations on a deeper level is just one of the things that makes you so special, but it's a really big thing. I highlighted the parts of your post that really made me stop and think. Great insight - and introspection, which is something I so admire about you. You aren't afraid to "go there", with yourself or anyone else.

And yeah, I think that catering to the pain, after a while, just becomes a habit. Also, as you said, a way to fit in. I'm sure my friend has no idea that she comes off this way to others. I may do as someone suggested, and just gently tell her that she needs to try crack this open, deal with it, put it all behind her and not revisit it again. Thank you for this thoughtful post!

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I'm reminded of my own journey through part of my healing process here on this forum, and I smile when I look back on it now. I started out here by listing in my profile exactly what had happened to me. Three of four paragraphs outlining the event, what lead up to it, and how I was doing. It was so much of who I was at that time. When I thought of myself, that's what I thought about.

So, over the months I healed a lot. Dealt with a lot of things. Shared more than I probably should have with all of you. Then later I changed my profile to remove the details and just left an abbreviated message listing my marital status and why, in one sentence or so. It was still part of who I was, but wasn't my focus as much anymore. I was so much better, but still felt a need to justify or explain why I was divorced.

More healing, more dealing with issues I didn't at the time realize I had. More sharing and spilling of things that many of you probably recognized as pain, which I never really did until later. I feel like I've come a long way.

For a long time now, my profile has simply stated "unmarried". Because I'm not defined by what happened to me anymore, and (this was even more of a struggle) I didn't feel the need any longer to EXPLAIN - to justify, to try to rationalize why I was divorced. The stigma of divorce was so hard for me, but I'm healed enough now that it doesn't define me.

I'm positive that there are issues lurking still, and of course I have growing to do. It makes me a bit uneasy, thinking that I felt "healed" long before now, and can look back and see growth from there, so I know that probably in another year or two I'll look at the present me and think "you silly girl, you weren't even close back then". But that's how life is. I find that to be true with spiritual maturity and wisdom as well. I'll probably always look at the old me and wonder why I thought I was so "together" at the time when really God was all that was holding me up. I'm rejoicing in having a God who holds us up so well that we don't even realize he's doing it half the time. He loves us.

 

[DuchessAimee]

One of the greatest human deceptions is our belief that our actions aren't who we are. It's absolute nonsense to believe that what we do is not a reflection, or is not a part of who we are. Whether we like to admit it or not, we as humans spend a great deal of time lying to ourselves and the people around us.


"How are you, Sally?"

"Oh, I'm just blessed beyond belief Jane! How are you?"


It's not that there isn't truth in there somewhere, but for the most part, we're not fine. We're not great. And you know what? We like it that way.


Yes we do.

Because if we didn't, we'd change. Not only does basic logic dictate that principle, but so does the bible. In fact, the bible requires change. It requires us to forgive. It requires us to love one another. It requires us to grow and become like Jesus. It requires us to take up our cross and follow our savior. That's all change and healing. Those things are painful and juxtaposed to our sinful nature. We are not naturally loving and sweet and kind. Proof of that is in raising children. If we naturally had Christ like natures we wouldn't have to teach Johnny not to lie, or cheat, or steal, or any of that.

It's the same thing with your friend, Grace. I'll bet you a shiny nickel she likes how she is. She's getting something out of it. She gets attention. You mentioned 14 years. When you stop trying to fix her, I'll bet she'll either move onto someone else for comfort or she'll change.


What she needs is someone to look her in the eye and be blunt with her. To work with her to cut through the nonsense she's built up for herself. Most people can't do that on their own.

 

[seoulsearch]

*Reads Grace's post and shyly kicks the ground while looking down."

Aw, Shucks, Grace.

You are too kind.

And I have ever mentioned that you are my secret CC crush?

(Calm down everyone. I haven't even figured out where she lives yet. So obviously, I'm not a stalker or anything... Sheesh. )

 

[Braylay]

What a terrible way to live. If this person were my friend i'd ask her if she thinks she's forgiven her ex-husband. Unforgiveness and bitterness will eat you alive. I would't want any of my friends walking such a path.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

Very often it seems much easier to subscribe to negative feelings: embitterment, disdain, even hatred. We can usually manage to justify just about anything by pointing the finger and maintaining a sort of martyr complex, and granted, some people have been royally messed up by someone(s). It takes more effort and character to "move on" than not.

How do we know when we are healing properly?

Good question. It may be more of a feeling than a knowledge. How do you "know" when you feel something?

Do you feel that it would be beneficial for someone to tell her that she needs to let go? Would that seem insensitive?

I believe this is super subjective. It's up to the dynamic of the relationship, partially; how much they value your opinion, whether you can relate to their struggle or not, etc. It's also up to the recipient; are they open to advice? Are they the obstinate/stubborn type? Some people in low emotional places are apt to not being receptive of anyone's perspective.

 

[Oncefallen]

I don't think most people even realize they NEED healing.

THIS!!! ^^^^^^^

As I think back over my late teens and twenties I remember occasionally talking about different traumatic things that I had experienced usually concluding with "it was rough but I'm OK." I never realized how deeply I had been affected and how much those events had skewed my perception of myself and the world around me. What was worse was not realizing how those skewed perceptions caused me to make really bad decisions that hurt me worse in a never ending tailspin.

It wasn't until hitting rock bottom at 29 that I realized that I really had some issues and years of counseling later to really grasp how deeply wounded I had been in my younger years.

 

[thecreationtutor]

I don't think most people even realize they NEED healing.

4

I hear that - I had a friend tell me that I needed healing, sometimes I felt like I wanted to punch her in the face for saying that - but it was true

 

[Jeff_56]

according to EPHESIANS (GOD'S WORD), all the people don't even realize they are serving demons, until
by grace, sheer grace, in yahshua,
they
turn
to seek GOD, ... ... ... (see EPHESIANS) .... then some are set free....

 

[AsifinPassing]

In this fallen world, we are always continually healing from hurts of the past, in all stages of our lives. Except when we aren't healing at all. When we are at a total stand-still.

I am becoming more and more concerned about a friend that I have who went through a very similar experience as me (affair, abandonment, etc) except her situation occurred many many years ago. Like... 35-40 years ago.

What alarms me is that she is so very unhappy in life. She is one of those people who is NEVER doing "well" when you ask. She immediately responds with all of her woes. Never in the 14 years I've known her has she told me she's doing well, or feeling well, or is happy. She just has this huge dark spirit of pain and misery hovering over her.

After many conversations with her I realized that she never healed or got over the failure of her marriage. It is a daily struggle for her, even after all these years. She told me this week that she drove past her ex-husband's house and noticed he'd put a new roof on, and this just sent her into the darkest depression. She wept, talking about it. She never remarried, is very much alone, and has a lot of bitterness and sadness over her ex and her divorce.

I can totally relate to the struggle of course... but I am so heartbroken for her, because I feel that if she would just forgive this man and put this all behind her, she might find some happiness. I wonder if she realizes that she hasn't ever forgiven, and hasn't ever let go. How do we know when we are healing properly? Do you feel that it would be beneficial for someone to tell her that she needs to let go? Would that seem insensitive? I know that her pain is very real and alive, but it is literally crippling her quality of life and I don't think she realizes it at all.

It makes me wonder if people who are stalled in their healing process realize it or are oblivious to it. I wonder how much is situational and how much is personality (the ability to get up and move on in life). I wonder how their lives would look if they had been able to deal with the issues and find closure for themselves. I wonder how we can help them.

It might be oblivious. It might be 'the snake that would've bit you' right in front of them. Other time, we know it when we're not healing...and sometimes choose not to/don't want to. I know that may sound strange, but I resemble any of these remarks at different times in my life.

Pointing it out could help *(as in some situations I've experienced). Other times, helping someone change their focus/perspective in order to let go and move on can help. I've seen this happen with new relationships being something that helps the person come to terms with hurts and standstills from their past relationship.

Usually, we need God to really help us truly deal with and heal our hurts, bad choices, and the like... but often the means for that to come about is when someone helps bring us to that place. Like Phillip saying, "Come and see." He sought out Nathaniel to tell him about Jesus. Nathaniel retorted it with some doubt and resistance, "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?" ...but Phillip, not scared away or giving up due to some resistance, simply replied... "Come and see." before leading Nate over to Jesus. There are a lot of things in life we probably won't or wouldn't do on our own... It takes someone else helping, teaching, showing, promoting, etc...us to do.

So, while many outcomes, good and bad, may result from that conversation/action... I'd say, tell her. It would have been nice if I had been transparent enough or had people who cared enough at moments in my life to try and make me come to grips with reality and come to my senses. Anyway...just my thoughts on the subject. You're awesome, Grace! ^^

 

[Misty77]

Healing is a process that takes time. We cannot heal ourselves, though we need to actively yield to the healing process.

That is vital to understand. Also, all wounds are different; and healing will look different for each person. While I certainly do not think this is the case for the OP, it would not be kind to point out that someone hasn't yet achieved the status of "healed" without being mindful that they are on a journey to healing.

Of course, like the OP, if someone has stagnated or has not wanted to give in to the healing process, then I would hope that someone would validate the wounded person's feelings of betrayal or injustice while encouraging them allow Christ to start healing them.

It kind of reminds me of a poem that was on the wall in my aunt's house: