Do You Attract the Same Kinds of Potential Dates Online as In Real Life?
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Here are kinds of men I attract in real life: 1) Alphas who have control issues and who view my kindness as weakness and 2) Men in crisis who love my kindness and empathy...for awhile.
I think I attract these men because I have a commitment to goodness and doing the right thing. So, the Alphas are like, "Can I make the good girl bad?" (No...no...you can't). And the Crisismen are like, "Can I soak up some of this goodness." (Yes, you can. I'm a compassionate person).
After years of falling for these men, I mostly don't anymore (occasionally a really clever one will hook me). Now when I encounter these men, I immediately friend-zone both groups. The Alphas will then be amused by me and not try to adjust or control me while vacillating between flirting with me and treating me like a bro. The Crisismen will at first say, "But I really like you" (No you don't, you just want some empathy), but I hold the line and eventually they realize that they're not really interested in me so much as my ability to empathize.
Online here are the men I attract: 1) Men in crisis 2) Younger men 3) Married men OR 4) Younger married men in crisis.
I attribute all of that to the magical unicorn properties of the online environment and the ability of people to project what they desire onto others in this environment. After being online for over 20 years, I've discovered that if you're kind to people sometimes they will paint an unrealistic image of you in their heads and then proceed to develop feelings for that image.
As for Catfish, here's what I think. I think a goodly number of people who seriously catfish are psychopaths. They have the ability to present themselves as YOUR magical unicorn. They are uncanny at reading and discovering your hidden desires. So, if you meet your magical unicorn online, probably it's really a catfish.
I think I attract these men because I have a commitment to goodness and doing the right thing. So, the Alphas are like, "Can I make the good girl bad?" (No...no...you can't). And the Crisismen are like, "Can I soak up some of this goodness." (Yes, you can. I'm a compassionate person).
After years of falling for these men, I mostly don't anymore (occasionally a really clever one will hook me). Now when I encounter these men, I immediately friend-zone both groups. The Alphas will then be amused by me and not try to adjust or control me while vacillating between flirting with me and treating me like a bro. The Crisismen will at first say, "But I really like you" (No you don't, you just want some empathy), but I hold the line and eventually they realize that they're not really interested in me so much as my ability to empathize.
Online here are the men I attract: 1) Men in crisis 2) Younger men 3) Married men OR 4) Younger married men in crisis.
I attribute all of that to the magical unicorn properties of the online environment and the ability of people to project what they desire onto others in this environment. After being online for over 20 years, I've discovered that if you're kind to people sometimes they will paint an unrealistic image of you in their heads and then proceed to develop feelings for that image.
As for Catfish, here's what I think. I think a goodly number of people who seriously catfish are psychopaths. They have the ability to present themselves as YOUR magical unicorn. They are uncanny at reading and discovering your hidden desires. So, if you meet your magical unicorn online, probably it's really a catfish.
The term "catfish" came from the documentary by that name about a young man who was fooled by a woman online. They'd had a long-term relationship and she'd presented herself as someone in her 20s, etc. He tracked her down and discovered that she was a 40-something married woman. Her husband told the filmmaker a story about cod and catfish that led to the title of the film.
Here's a link to read about it:
Catfish meaning and definition: term for online hoaxes has a surprisingly long history.
Here's a link to read about it:
Catfish meaning and definition: term for online hoaxes has a surprisingly long history.
I can relate and wow 20 years is quite a long time, no wonder you sound really wise about the subject matter. I learned a lot from your post. So how can we find a real man when we keep on attracting dysfunctional men? I guess we ought to go through with them because when it rains we dont have an umbrella that would filter out the few crazies. Lol!
Barring the Christian aspect, I think I attract the same kinds of people, both in real and in virtual life, and also as dates and as friends. It is true that I have large social circles in my real life, but the handful of friends whom I am close to, share remarkably similar traits to my girlfriend. However, the same cannot be said of my friends at Church or of my colleagues at office, and this could explain why I feel so disconnected there.
I think I attract the same kind of people because I behave the same way whether I am socialising online or offline. In the case of individuals who attract different kinds of people, they could be displaying different facets of their personalities in different environments.
I think I attract the same kind of people because I behave the same way whether I am socialising online or offline. In the case of individuals who attract different kinds of people, they could be displaying different facets of their personalities in different environments.
In defense of men, I don't think that either of the groups that I typically attract in real life are crazy. They're just not good matches for me.
Some women like men who really take charge and make a lot of decisions, etc. I think some of those Alphas find me to be a challenge and want to try and "tame" me or "make me submit" or "adjust" my uppity attitude, OR because I'm kind they think I'm more moldable and demure and they're unhappy when they find that's not so accurate.
As for the Crisismen, I think it's likely that I'm not really for them. Lots of the Crisismen I've met were attracted to my empathy due to their circumstances. They presumed it meant they were attracted to me, but once the crisis passes, the attraction fades. Lots of these men, btw, were really interesting pretty cool guys.
All of these men were "real men." I think I'm just a fairly challenging match for any man.
So, I don't think I have a lot of wisdom to offer about how to find a good match. If I knew how, I would have by now, right?
I think I know more how to realize that you're not a match and how to end it kindly....and this has been through hard experience.
So, the article I could write would be more like, "How To Avoid Wasting Time Dating People Not Into You," than "How to Get a Husband in Five Easy Steps."
Some women like men who really take charge and make a lot of decisions, etc. I think some of those Alphas find me to be a challenge and want to try and "tame" me or "make me submit" or "adjust" my uppity attitude, OR because I'm kind they think I'm more moldable and demure and they're unhappy when they find that's not so accurate.
As for the Crisismen, I think it's likely that I'm not really for them. Lots of the Crisismen I've met were attracted to my empathy due to their circumstances. They presumed it meant they were attracted to me, but once the crisis passes, the attraction fades. Lots of these men, btw, were really interesting pretty cool guys.
All of these men were "real men." I think I'm just a fairly challenging match for any man.
So, I don't think I have a lot of wisdom to offer about how to find a good match. If I knew how, I would have by now, right?
I think I know more how to realize that you're not a match and how to end it kindly....and this has been through hard experience.
So, the article I could write would be more like, "How To Avoid Wasting Time Dating People Not Into You," than "How to Get a Husband in Five Easy Steps."
I've thought about this too... And it's kind of fascinating to me that people can project completely different personalities in different situations... But I guess it's kind of like how you act different at a family function than you would at church or with your friends.
Like I said, I guess if they made a "chart" of my personality, it would be a flatline, because people always say, "You're just the same in person as you are in writing!" I certainly don't see it as something bad.
What can I say, I can turn consistency into an art form!
However, those who've met or talked to me in person can also attest to the fact that when all the restraints of proper social expectations are lifted, I tend to say even more controversial things (using a few words that are much too strong for a Christian forum. It's a personal flaw... and I'm working on that.)
Like I said, I guess if they made a "chart" of my personality, it would be a flatline, because people always say, "You're just the same in person as you are in writing!" I certainly don't see it as something bad.
What can I say, I can turn consistency into an art form!
However, those who've met or talked to me in person can also attest to the fact that when all the restraints of proper social expectations are lifted, I tend to say even more controversial things (using a few words that are much too strong for a Christian forum. It's a personal flaw... and I'm working on that.)
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This is why I think this is so important to talk about in the Christian community especially.
As Christians, we sometimes take "faith" and turn it into "magical thinking", dividing the point between common sense and reality.
There might be red flags all over the field, but in "faith", we'll say, "Oh no, I'm a Child of a King, and God only wants The Best for me, and Look!! He's used the internet to lead me right to that Perfect Person! It's God! It's God's Doing! And Surely, It's God's Will That We Be Together!!"
Never mind that you don't even really know who that person is.
This is why I've been talking about a string of subjects and am tying them altogether--because it follows our whole line of thinking as Christians, and though we should have faith, we can't use faith as an excuse to completely ignore reality.
As Christians, we sometimes take "faith" and turn it into "magical thinking", dividing the point between common sense and reality.
There might be red flags all over the field, but in "faith", we'll say, "Oh no, I'm a Child of a King, and God only wants The Best for me, and Look!! He's used the internet to lead me right to that Perfect Person! It's God! It's God's Doing! And Surely, It's God's Will That We Be Together!!"
Never mind that you don't even really know who that person is.
This is why I've been talking about a string of subjects and am tying them altogether--because it follows our whole line of thinking as Christians, and though we should have faith, we can't use faith as an excuse to completely ignore reality.
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Being christians I dont agree that we should isolate ourselves from the real world or that we should close our doors from non christians. They are also under God's sovereign hands and who knows He is using us christians to reach out to them. I believe every person we meet is a holy encounter, it has divine intervention. It is up to us to try and let the light of christ shine through us. After all,everyone of us is a work in progress, we might as well help each other.
C
Irl I don't attract anybody, since my age most are married or not interested, online I do a good job with handsome men from theStates and England who want to date a single mom in Holland, funny guys those love scammers, I said try something better please, I'm not that stupid and just dumped or also twice divorced guys, but I always put such stuff in my profile.
M
I don't do on line dating, I just cannot see how it is ever possible to
get to know a real human being warts and all on line.
I want to see people, see their environment, see how they act in real
life and the people they associate with.
Having said that if you want an on line date then just go into
CC chat. Every time I go in there I get pm'd by complete strangers
every single time all men, often several at once. So much so that
I've had to put a notice on my profile that I don't mind chatting with
people but that's all it is.
get to know a real human being warts and all on line.
I want to see people, see their environment, see how they act in real
life and the people they associate with.
Having said that if you want an on line date then just go into
CC chat. Every time I go in there I get pm'd by complete strangers
every single time all men, often several at once. So much so that
I've had to put a notice on my profile that I don't mind chatting with
people but that's all it is.
I don't think either behaviour is wrong. It's just how some people are - consistent or varying. The consistent people are likely to receive the same kind of feedback from all their social circles, whereas the other group of people would get different feedback depending on which circle they interact with. It's definitely an interesting pattern of behaviour, and I wonder how would such people behave in a relationship - would they reveal all their sides to that special someone or hide a few?
I've never attracted a date online so I wouldn't know.
But that last line in the OP, that I can answer. People I hit it off with here on the forum are pretty much like the people I talk to in real life. Moderately cool, more than moderately intelligent, good sense of humor (a requirement for putting up with my foolishness) and avidly curious about stuff in general. I can deal with other types of people but that's the kind that seem to both want to talk to me and be able to hold my attention.
But that last line in the OP, that I can answer. People I hit it off with here on the forum are pretty much like the people I talk to in real life. Moderately cool, more than moderately intelligent, good sense of humor (a requirement for putting up with my foolishness) and avidly curious about stuff in general. I can deal with other types of people but that's the kind that seem to both want to talk to me and be able to hold my attention.
as for the opposite sex, in real life, as far as i know, i was always considered as "one of the guys." if anyone in the past was attracted to me, i never knew. i was always the friend, never the girlfriend lol.
now online, in chatrooms, i would get messages from guys complimenting me and whatnot, which was a totally different world to me since i never really got that kind of attention in real life. then again, online, i am more "open" to talk with others. in person, i can be awkward and shy. it takes me a while to get comfortable, while online, i'm words on a screen. don't get me wrong. i don't act differently. it's just that in person, it takes me a while to open up.
now online, in chatrooms, i would get messages from guys complimenting me and whatnot, which was a totally different world to me since i never really got that kind of attention in real life. then again, online, i am more "open" to talk with others. in person, i can be awkward and shy. it takes me a while to get comfortable, while online, i'm words on a screen. don't get me wrong. i don't act differently. it's just that in person, it takes me a while to open up.
J
life is so confusing for me with this very issue. Most of my life I've been "eaten alive" by people (friends, daters, "frienemies", etc.) that I must admit that as smart as I thought I was, I am a real dummy, truth be told. I've been played by about every type of person imaginable, of both sexes. My last ex and friends win the dubious "gotcha! award". They are the ones who woke me up to "me". I've always been told I'm too nice, and the proof is in.
My therapist says I'm a rare breed, I'm a truly good person. Been going to him for three years to understand people and my background. Who I am. Basically he says that "bad folks" see us as a way to justify themselves as good people because the bad ones are hurting inside so they bring others down to their level. I've been studying this online for a while. I'm not even considering dating right now, because I'm living and learning who I really am, as opposed to the person who has been oppressed by trying to get along with others who weren't so good.
On that note, the ones who I've met who were good people over the years have usually shunned me because they think I'm too good to be true, or their friends who influence them that I'm too short to be dateable. (5'6"). I have learned that among women over the years this is the ultimate sin. This is a very interesting and complicated topic for me, I just got up lol!
I hope i'm making sense...dating in life is what other people are able to influence each other that it is. I'ts that simple, certainly not fair but what among the human condition is? Really not much.
My therapist says I'm a rare breed, I'm a truly good person. Been going to him for three years to understand people and my background. Who I am. Basically he says that "bad folks" see us as a way to justify themselves as good people because the bad ones are hurting inside so they bring others down to their level. I've been studying this online for a while. I'm not even considering dating right now, because I'm living and learning who I really am, as opposed to the person who has been oppressed by trying to get along with others who weren't so good.
On that note, the ones who I've met who were good people over the years have usually shunned me because they think I'm too good to be true, or their friends who influence them that I'm too short to be dateable. (5'6"). I have learned that among women over the years this is the ultimate sin. This is a very interesting and complicated topic for me, I just got up lol!
I hope i'm making sense...dating in life is what other people are able to influence each other that it is. I'ts that simple, certainly not fair but what among the human condition is? Really not much.
I love reading the answers here because it's intriguing to me to imagine what everyone must be like in real life.
On a lighter note... I've already warned you all that in real life, I've been known to swear, so I apologize in advance for that.
Additionally, I also have a habit of randomly cuddling people and/or severely threatening to cuddle them, depending on what I think I can get away with at the time and who would or would not have me arrested.
And if I happen to randomly cuddle you while swearing, it's truly a sign that I like you.
(For those who think I'm actually a predator, by "cuddling", I mean randomly hugging people.)
On a lighter note... I've already warned you all that in real life, I've been known to swear, so I apologize in advance for that.
Additionally, I also have a habit of randomly cuddling people and/or severely threatening to cuddle them, depending on what I think I can get away with at the time and who would or would not have me arrested.
And if I happen to randomly cuddle you while swearing, it's truly a sign that I like you.
(For those who think I'm actually a predator, by "cuddling", I mean randomly hugging people.)
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