do you "lead" with your flaws?

just_monicat · May 23, 2014

actually, i think that's a BIG part of why "leading with flaws" is so very unattractive.

to the extent that one is leading with flaws, you're advertising that you ARE someone who probably lives (at least in viewing yourself) with your glass half empty.

to someone like me, that's verging on deal-breaker territory. it's also the antithesis of confidence, which we all seem to be attracted to.

i could write a book on why i like to surround myself with confident people. : )

Pipp · May 23, 2014

I most definitely lead with my flaws. I have such a fear that if I don't point out every flaw that it's being deceptive. Maybe it's like Grace said I'm just trying to be self aware and want others to know I see my flaws. I've been scolded a few times recently by a few friends for this.

SabbieWabbie · May 23, 2014

I like to put my best food forward, first impressions and the like... I like to think that if people know there is good in me then they too can appreciate the real in me. Half the part of confidence is belief in yourself.

My flaws usually come out by themselves or through other people (parents, siblings, friends etc). By then hopefully, enough positivity has been laid as a foundation. I don't like to dwell on the flaws, I want to work on those flaws to better them and to remind myself and portray myself in a negative light is defeating that purpose and self-growth.

Recently I have been finding out that I show my flaws to others when they 'lead with their flaws'. I think I have been doing this because it has been urking me that people put themselves down so much when I never even saw them that way in the first place. It's like 'hey, you think I'm so wonderful but I am going to show you I'm not' eventually I get so fed up, I open up about my flaws as if to say 'look, I have flaws too, I'm far from perfect but I am trying my best, please stop discrediting yourself because it's really driving me nuts'.

just_monicat · May 23, 2014

Witness45 said:

thanks for your post.

i didn't intend to condemn anyone for this, and i'm sorry if you feel condemned by my words. what i did hope to do is provide a bit of a spotlight on the topic, and perhaps some dialogue, since i witness this quite a bit.

you know, while i may sound like i've got it together enough to observe or complain about this, the truth is, i've dealt with issues related to perfection and self-criticism for the majority of my life. however, through God, i have overcome my own shackles of abuse and ugly history as well as much of my issues with insecurity

so i know a little bit about what i write, from both perspectives. and i see the people i'm talking about with acceptance not judgment.

i really do believe that much of this behavior is about being self critical, even having a negative thought life in which we can tend to overly focus on our insecurities.

for some people, the negative self-ridicule is not even realistic, but negativity gauged on an impossible scale. to give you an example--i'm talking about the average-sized women who are constantly referring to themselves as fat. or guys that are great catches walking around saying, "no woman will love me because i'm too nice".

whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, that's self-shaming behavior that has no place in the mind or heart of a Child of God.

as to the rest of the stuff, even if your assessments are accurate, focusing so much on the negative often leaves people with that being their primary, even lasting impression of who they are. as a christian, i think that leading with our negatives can be at the expense of leading with the joy, peace and confidence we have in Christ.

i'm not saying be dishonest, puff yourself up, or put up a front. but be prepared to show the image of who we are: purchased with the blood of a crucified savior, forgiven, loved before we loved Him, fearfully and wonderfully made, and the list goes on and on.

i think we need to aspire to live worthy of our redemption and calling, in thought, word, and deed.

FireWire · May 23, 2014

wisebeardman said:

Come on now. God doesn't make mistakes. You're a saint in the greatest kingdom there is and will always be.

1 Corinthians 15:52

In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

DanPhu · May 23, 2014

Sorry, but I'm gonna say exactly the same thing I said to grace. I don't see you leading with your flaws. You never put down how your cakes aren't that good. In fact, you shared with me your work and I enjoyed the eye candy. Maybe in some areas, you'll self-deprecate yourself but you don't show the pattern of continual self-deprecation. So yeah, maybe I need more time to spot whether or not you continually do this, but from my perspective, I don't see it at all.

Pipp said:

just_monicat · May 23, 2014

DanPhu said:

well, i think your not seeing it could also be the nature of the environment. i think for most of the people who do tend to be overly 'leading with flaws' usually show this more when they are in one-on-one dialogue, not in some casual/group/online environment.

which is why i think online presence can be rather misleading for some people, when they're able to take the time to construct their words instead of live one on one dialogue when they are being prompted dynamically for information.

when you don't have time to be as polished, prepared, or rehearsed, we tend to "leak" more of the authentic thoughts, i.e. "out of the fullness of the heart one speaks".

Witness45 · May 23, 2014

just_monicat said:

thanks for your post.

i didn't intend to condemn anyone for this, and i'm sorry if you feel condemned by my words. what i did hope to do is provide a bit of a spotlight on the topic, and perhaps some dialogue, since i witness this quite a bit.

you know, while i may sound like i've got it together enough to observe or complain about this, the truth is, i've dealt with issues related to perfection and self-criticism for the majority of my life. however, through God, i have overcome my own shackles of abuse and ugly history as well as much of my issues with insecurity

so i know a little bit about what i write, from both perspectives. and i see the people i'm talking about with acceptance not judgment.

i really do believe that much of this behavior is about being self critical, even having a negative thought life in which we can tend to overly focus on our insecurities.

for some people, the negative self-ridicule is not even realistic, but negativity gauged on an impossible scale. to give you an example--i'm talking about the average-sized women who are constantly referring to themselves as fat. or guys that are great catches walking around saying, "no woman will love me because i'm too nice".

whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, that's self-shaming behavior that has no place in the mind or heart of a Child of God.

as to the rest of the stuff, even if your assessments are accurate, focusing so much on the negative often leaves people with that being their primary, even lasting impression of who they are. as a christian, i think that leading with our negatives can be at the expense of leading with the joy, peace and confidence we have in Christ.

i'm not saying be dishonest, puff yourself up, or put up a front. but be prepared to show the image of who we are: purchased with the blood of a crucified savior, forgiven, loved before we loved Him, fearfully and wonderfully made, and the list goes on and on.

i think we need to aspire to live worthy of our redemption and calling, in thought, word, and deed.

Thanks for this message. I've had many a person say they're looking for a 'confident' other, yet when they do so they typically condemn anyone with lack of confidence because of their lack of confidence, therefore furthering their lack of confidence.

If your intention is to build someone up, then more power to ya. We should be confident in Christ our savior. It's just to those who lack confidence, (and I say this to everyone not just you) they need encouragement not condemnation.

That's really all I'm trying to say.

God Bless.

Grace-Like-Rain · May 23, 2014

just_monicat said:

Plus, most of us aren't like that ALL the time. I do have a healthy amount of confidence, both in person and on-line. I just find myself occasionally leading with flaws in certain circumstances - mostly romantic situations - for whatever reason. It isn't lack of confidence that causes me to do it. It's more like wanting to get it all out in the open so I don't feel like I'm hiding it.

kenthomas27 · May 23, 2014

Grace-Like-Rain said:

Plus, most of us aren't like that ALL the time. I do have a healthy amount of confidence, both in person and on-line. I just find myself occasionally leading with flaws in certain circumstances - mostly romantic situations - for whatever reason. It isn't lack of confidence that causes me to do it. It's more like wanting to get it all out in the open so I don't feel like I'm hiding it.

you can't hide something like that....

MidniteWelder · May 23, 2014

I do lead with my flaw
-Confidence-

Grace-Like-Rain · May 23, 2014

kenthomas27 said:

cinder · May 23, 2014

Well I'm definitely a bit of a perfectionist who holds impossibly high standards. I don't know if I lead with my flaws so much as I'm much more acutely aware of where I am failing my own expectations and disappointed in myself than where I feel competent. For me it's a view of competence is the norm, that is what people should expect from me and if I am not competent in an area I should let them know. Someone also said that women have a voice in their head telling them that they're not enough and that they are too much ( I doubt this is just limited to women but it was a women's ministry type of book). Something along the lines of we think the other person will eventually decide we're too much trouble to deal with for too little reward so we get all the difficulties out in the open so they can walk out on us up front before our emotions get too involved.

Another thing that should be said is in a lot of ways it is not acceptable to be too confident in christian culture. It looks like pride and pride is bad. So we can't talk about our strengths without looking proud and arrogant and we learn that we should talk about our weaknesses because we are never good enough for God and we never will be but we should try to do better anyway.

I do believe there is a huge difference between leading with an honest and accurate assessment of your flaws and those people who can't take a compliment or see anything good in themselves. Someone once defined humility as accepting what God says about you both the good and the bad. I think that is something most of us could use some more of.

AgeofKnowledge · May 23, 2014

You'll never see a MAN like me do that. I have the highest esteem for myself and think everyone else should too... lolol.

just_monicat said:

ok, i'm going to say upfront: this thread is starting with a rant. : )

one of the things that i find most frustrating when i meet, or get to know someone is when they have the habit of (sometimes, constantly) putting themselves down.

about a year ago, i went on a (first) date with a guy who seemed pretty cool. but it didn't take long before he started disclosing what he considered his weaknesses. he said "oh, i'm not the smartest guy..." followed by chuckling, then later went on to jab himself about his athletic ability, his laziness, his lack of discipline when it comes to money, that he didn't know the bible as well as he should, and the list went on. some of the statements were said in seriousness, but some were followed by nonchalant laughter.

and i've seen women do it. openly ridicule themselves, offer qualifications and caveats, asking for minimal expectations.

i'm not talking a playful jab at themselves, such as the occasional good-natured self-deprecating humor. in fact, i often poke fun at myself, but there's a difference between something like that, and "leading" with your flaws.

when guys do it (such as on dates) it's one the fastest ways for them to lose my attention.

it never comes of as being humble. instead, it makes me feel like i'm wasting my time with a guy who appears to be trying to talk me out of my interest in him.

obviously, in a friendship there is honest conversation and we discuss our flaws. but there are people who are "leading" with their flaws and i often wonder if they even realize it.

do you tend to "lead" with your flaws or feel compelled to inform people what you're bad at or deficient in? if so, why do you think you do that?

have you all observed this, and/or know people who do this? what are your thoughts on it?

IloveyouGod · May 24, 2014

Some people looks at it as an act of humility. They don't like to be praised so they turn it back to its opposite. It's very nice to be humble, but putting yourself down is not really elegant and does not look good. I guess there's a fine line in between. I myself sometimes do it. I might mention my weak points in between with a smile on the fly. But yes, I'll some how mention them here and there.

MartyrNdaMaKn · May 24, 2014

Hey, what you see is what you get, the good, the bad, and the ugly. All wrap up in one ball of craziness.

FireWire · May 24, 2014

I'm not sure what this thread is about but I'll say we shouldn't think too highly or too little of ourselves.

Philippians 2:3 [SUP] [/SUP]Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

jeremyPJ · May 24, 2014

just_monicat said:

ok, i'm going to say upfront: this thread is starting with a rant. : )

one of the things that i find most frustrating when i meet, or get to know someone is when they have the habit of (sometimes, constantly) putting themselves down.

about a year ago, i went on a (first) date with a guy who seemed pretty cool. but it didn't take long before he started disclosing what he considered his weaknesses. he said "oh, i'm not the smartest guy..." followed by chuckling, then later went on to jab himself about his athletic ability, his laziness, his lack of discipline when it comes to money, that he didn't know the bible as well as he should, and the list went on. some of the statements were said in seriousness, but some were followed by nonchalant laughter.

and i've seen women do it. openly ridicule themselves, offer qualifications and caveats, asking for minimal expectations.

i'm not talking a playful jab at themselves, such as the occasional good-natured self-deprecating humor. in fact, i often poke fun at myself, but there's a difference between something like that, and "leading" with your flaws.

when guys do it (such as on dates) it's one the fastest ways for them to lose my attention.

it never comes of as being humble. instead, it makes me feel like i'm wasting my time with a guy who appears to be trying to talk me out of my interest in him.

obviously, in a friendship there is honest conversation and we discuss our flaws. but there are people who are "leading" with their flaws and i often wonder if they even realize it.

do you tend to "lead" with your flaws or feel compelled to inform people what you're bad at or deficient in? if so, why do you think you do that?

have you all observed this, and/or know people who do this? what are your thoughts on it?

As modern men, most of us have never been instructed on how to get to know a woman on a date. Either we listen to some guy who thinks he knows, or we just nervously wing it. Women are far ahead of men on "dating". We sometimes do this to be straightforward from the start, so too much won't be expected of us. Or more likely we are very nervous and just start talking. After seeing the results of this years ago, I know better now. Life can be a long guessing game for men, as we don't really learn how to "date".

tourist · May 24, 2014

just_monicat said:

I think that you should hit them with your best shot. In the course of a loving, enduring relationship the "flaws" of each other will be revealed and resolved in bits and pieces over a long period of time. I believe the best thing that one can do is to be deeply sensitive to the one that they love, every aspect, hopes, dreams, desires, and most importantly, fears. In a beautiful and natural loving relationship the flaws of each other will often be revealed without a word written or spoken and will be addressed in a compassionate expression of concern and guidance. A relationship that lacks a loving sensitivity will often, sadly, fail and a deep love will never be realized. A successful relationship is one that is centered on the love of God from whom all good things flow. It is best to allow God to address any perceived "flaws".

Donkeyfish07 · May 24, 2014

I wouldn't call it a flaw but I do inform people about my commitment issues on the first date, every time. That directly affects them if they want to be with me because they are going to have to spend aloooooot of time with me before I consider becoming exclusive (and I do mean aloooooot of time). Keeps them from making assumptions that we're automatically going to be exclusive by next week. I don't really care if that makes someone less attracted to me or not because I'm not willing to compromise on it or budge an inch...... if that's a deal breaker for them then it's a deal breaker. It is what it is.

I've had girls tell me things too, for example "I just got out of a really bad relationship. It's going to take me some time to open up to anyone again" or "I've never really had a man that treated me right or really loved me, I don't even know what that feels like". And those are issues I'm glad they're willing to talk to me about, so those are all good and well...I can work with that. It's more or less people that say stuff like "I'm so ugly. Why do you want to be with me? I don't like my hair, I don't like this, I don't like that about myself, yada yada yada". It's the low self esteem that I don't like to be around, not the supposed flaws they just can't quit talking about.

do you "lead" with your flaws?

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