do you "lead" with your flaws?

[MissCris]

I'm a pro at making jokes at my own expense. A lot of that is because of how I was raised; my immediate family was quick to ridicule, easily angered, and emotionally handicapped (tears or depression sent them into a frenzy of awkwardness). So I learned a few things from this-

It wasn't acceptable to be anything but fine or angry.
Showing weakness meant getting ripped apart for it, unless presented in a way that could be laughed at.
Being the first to point out my flaws and crack a joke about them saved other people the trouble of inevitably doing it for me.

I honestly never ever knew any other way to be with people, aside from laying out all my imperfections in a funny manner from the get-go. In a way, this made it very easy for me to make friends in school, because all the other kids were chock-full of their own insecurities and by tearing myself down, I think that put them more at ease with me. However...within romantic relationships, my putting myself down like that just screamed "Treat me badly, please, I'm begging you".

If it's ok for me to be cruel to myself, then it's ok for men to do the same, right?

I've started to realize the connection between those things- how I view and talk about myself vs. how others view and treat me. And it sucks, seeing how much damage I've done to myself just out of a stupid habit, realizing how many things could have been avoided if I'd known what was happening.

Leading with your flaws, whether you're trying to be funny or make people more comfortable about themselves, basically just tells people that it's ok to disrespect you, to point out what's wrong with you and treat you like dirt because hey, isn't that what you're doing to yourself?

Obviously it's not fine for anyone to do that, and the people who take advantage of others that way are probably already jerks who see an opportunity to be with someone who won't stand up for themselves. I really wish I had known not to leave myself open to that, though.

...that's just my own experience, anyway.

 

[DuchessAimee]

I don't lead with my flaws. However, I know who and what I am. I don't ever expect anyone to love or want me.

 

[ww_21]

No, but I am open about them. If asked, I will be honest about it. If people can't accept me flaws and all they're not worth being a part of my life.

 

[jeremyPJ]

I wouldn't call it a flaw but I do inform people about my commitment issues on the first date, every time. That directly affects them if they want to be with me because they are going to have to spend aloooooot of time with me before I consider becoming exclusive (and I do mean aloooooot of time). Keeps them from making assumptions that we're automatically going to be exclusive by next week. I don't really care if that makes someone less attracted to me or not because I'm not willing to compromise on it or budge an inch...... if that's a deal breaker for them then it's a deal breaker. It is what it is.

I've had girls tell me things too, for example "I just got out of a really bad relationship. It's going to take me some time to open up to anyone again" or "I've never really had a man that treated me right or really loved me, I don't even know what that feels like". And those are issues I'm glad they're willing to talk to me about, so those are all good and well...I can work with that. It's more or less people that say stuff like "I'm so ugly. Why do you want to be with me? I don't like my hair, I don't like this, I don't like that about myself, yada yada yada". It's the low self esteem that I don't like to be around, not the supposed flaws they just can't quit talking about.

Unfortunately, I have found that when women are convinced in this way of thinking, it has been ingrained when younger. And no matter how hard you try to affirm that they are good, they refuse to believe it.

 

[just_monicat]

I don't lead with my flaws. However, I know who and what I am. I don't ever expect anyone to love or want me.

hmmmm. i think i know what that might feel like. sometimes it's hard to imagine our quirks, shortcomings, and baggage isn't just too much for someone to overcome.

most days, i am pretty optimistic about such feelings.

but there are days where i think, i should just give up and move to po-dunk-nowhere and start my life, solitary and settled. those days scare me, because i know how easily it would be for me to do that, even though it would probably lead to demise.

makes me thankful that God's will is larger than my crazy rabbit trail notions and delusional expectations.

 

[Ugly]

I'm not sure, but probably. But it's a bit presumptuous to assume it's false humility, though that may Sometimes be the reason. For me, though, i would rather people know what they're getting into before either off us get invested, than get close with someone and then they run of when they find out who i am.
But i'm noticing that this does not work, not because as Monica said, it's a turn off from the start. Rather people tend to argue with me in the beginning, but once they realize how truthful i was being, they take off. So i may still end up getting close, because i think they'll accept me with all the junk, when all it is is their own denial, not acceptance of 'me'.

And, perhaps, Monica, people who seem to be running you off really are. Maybe not consciously, but at some level they feel unworthy, or scared that you'll reject them for these reasons, so they want to know you accept them 'as is'. People like that are still hurting and have usually come to expect rejection. So they reject you initially, by trying to push you away, before you can reject them on a deeper level, after getting to know them.
I know the behavior may seem like weakness or irritating, but that's akin to saying a cancer patient looks ugly because their hair fell out. It's just a symptom of a deeper, more painful issue. Really all people like this want is to know they are accepted, flaws and all, and genuinely liked.
So it's not really weakness, because this person gets up every day knowing in the back of their mind today could be another day of feeling rejected, yet they get up and try to make friends anyways. They open themselves and make themselves vulnerable in ways most others don't, by sharing the parts of themselves that most other people try to hide. They get up and move forward through pain and fear and sometimes even hopelessness.
Perhaps it's time to view these people as hurting people who are stronger than they come off initially. They don't wave all their best sides at people in an attempt to look impressive, but they open themselves to people to show whats inside. And while maybe this behavior comes from negative feelings and emotions, maybe there's still something to be learned about strength and vulnerability from them.

 

[rachelsedge]

Hmm, yes and no. I wouldn't say I lay them all out on the table. Inwardly I'm quite critical of myself, but unless you know me, you might not know that. I am more transparent on here because it's safer than in real life, but for example, a friend of mine that I just met last year wrote me a note a few months ago saying that she looked up to my confidence. And I was like...huh? I'm confident? Yet I wouldn't say that's a total facade, either. I just am...weird like that, in that sometimes I'm confident and sometimes I'm very much not. It just depends on what area of my life we're talking about, I suppose.

I try to hide the "nots". It's a way of protecting myself, I guess instead of showing all my cards and leading with my flaws, I hide them because I think, "Well, once they find out, they'll think differently of me", or I feel that they'll be used against me, or I feel that I must show that I am strong for one reason or another.

I had a very, VERY skewed perception of myself from middle school up until about the middle of college. I still wrestle with that problem sometimes. It's a tough one.

 

[MidniteWelder]

You look upset
-C'mere lemme hold you-

Unless...unless you're a guy...with long hair...wearing Yoga pants...
practicing singing Ozzy Ozbourne for America's most talented after you tripped and stubbed your toe and your music papers went all over the place and you're about to ride the crazy train.
In which case....I have a Band-aid

QUOTE=Grace-Like-Rain;1542509]

[/QUOTE]

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

You look upset
-C'mere lemme hold you-

Unless...unless you're a guy...with long hair...wearing Yoga pants...
practicing singing Ozzy Ozbourne for America's most talented after you tripped and stubbed your toe and your music papers went all over the place and you're about to ride the crazy train.
In which case....I have a Band-aid

I am amused.

 

[Liamson]

hmmmm. i think i know what that might feel like. sometimes it's hard to imagine our quirks, shortcomings, and baggage isn't just too much for someone to overcome.

most days, i am pretty optimistic about such feelings.

but there are days where i think, i should just give up and move to po-dunk-nowhere and start my life, solitary and settled. those days scare me, because i know how easily it would be for me to do that, even though it would probably lead to demise.

makes me thankful that God's will is larger than my crazy rabbit trail notions and delusional expectations.

Its funny you should say this because I've sort of given myself until about 32, then I simply throw in the towel and realize that its better to simply live my own life than to try to work someone else into my life.

 

[just_monicat]

Its funny you should say this because I've sort of given myself until about 32, then I simply throw in the towel and realize that its better to simply live my own life than to try to work someone else into my life.

i've never set an age, but i know that it looms on the horizon. sometimes, i think that i'm doing things all wrong, and maybe i should (as i have in the past) put my whims and the adventure first???

but then again, isn't part of growing up learning to be patient? or at least being willing to grow beyond the "world as i see it"?

and then when i imagine what "that" might look like, i'm terribly afraid i'm going to end up with a 102 year old former accountant who watches a blaring television all day long, only taking short breaks to pull up his socks or eat his fiber supplement.

it's enough to send a girl running for the hills (or the nearest po-dunk-nowhere).

 

[seoulsearch]

and then when i imagine what "that" might look like, i'm terribly afraid i'm going to end up with a 102 year old former accountant who watches a blaring television all day long, only taking short breaks to pull up his socks or eat his fiber supplement.

it's enough to send a girl running for the hills (or the nearest po-dunk-nowhere).

*Allows her socks to fall and hides her Metamucil.*

Hey, it was cold and that sub sandwich I had for lunch... just kind of sunk...

(Monica, you crack me up!! )

 

[wisebeardman]

I only know what others have told me. when it comes to women, well majority seem to think I am ether too ugly or not good enough. so meh whatever eh.

 

[Nodmyheadlikeyeah]

I don't think i do? I mean at some point i'll tell him i'm crazy, but he usually finds that out himself before i can even say it.

 

[Theygaveutheirworst]

I'm conversationally challenged- silence is my second language. It seems to be a flaw I'm forced to lead with. Hmmmm, if only I could find a girl who does all the talking in the relationship!lol

 

[Animus]

I usually lead by telling people that I'm mean-spirited with a black heart and no brain.



By the time they realize that it's not a goof it's too late for them!

 

[tourist]

I don't lead with my flaws. However, I know who and what I am. I don't ever expect anyone to love or want me.

You may want to consider raising your expectations. You have a lot to offer.

 

[keep_on_smiling]

I always wondered if people did this because of a fear of rejection, whether they are aware of it or not it could be a way to protect themselves from feeling rejected. I suppose if you put all your flaws out there right up front one may feel better if the person stays and if the person leaves, they haven't invested so much into the relationship.

I try to be a positive person and feel like it would be awkward to name off all my flaws at first meeting. I'm honest, so if it came up, I'd certainly be open to sharing them.

 

[tourist]

I always wondered if people did this because of a fear of rejection, whether they are aware of it or not it could be a way to protect themselves from feeling rejected. I suppose if you put all your flaws out there right up front one may feel better if the person stays and if the person leaves, they haven't invested so much into the relationship.

I try to be a positive person and feel like it would be awkward to name off all my flaws at first meeting. I'm honest, so if it came up, I'd certainly be open to sharing them.

My personal opinion is people lead with their flaws for fear of rejection. I agree with you that it is best to let your best attributes show that were given to you by God. Fear not and trust in Him.

You have excellent insight on this topic.

 

[CountryRose]

ok, i'm going to say upfront: this thread is starting with a rant. : )

one of the things that i find most frustrating when i meet, or get to know someone is when they have the habit of (sometimes, constantly) putting themselves down.

I just came across this thread and had to comment. I agree completely with your rant. That is a big turnoff for me and a big red flag. I don't want a cocky arrogant man, but I also want someone who has some self confidence or is at least trying to have self-confidence. I may not think I am the most beautiful woman in the world, but I know how to say, "I am looking HOT today!" Saying it may not make it true, but it sure makes me feel better! It's taken me years to get to that point...I was not a very self-confident 20 something, which is one thing that has played into me being single. But, in my 30s, I expect to meet people who at least know and ACCEPT who they are!!!