Does he like me or is he just being a gentleman?

spunkycat08 · Sep 23, 2016

I do not go out to dinner with a male friend who pays for our dinner.

I go out on a date with a male who pays for our dinner.

Especially if intimate conversation is part of dinner.

I do not stay in the friend zone with a male who is like this.

I do not stay in the friend zone period.

But since I am married, that does not apply.

spiritleadme23 · Sep 23, 2016

So update for everyone you can stop arguing now. I finally had the time to send him a long text with my concerns because at church there is never a private moment. This is what I got in response to my message: "I was reading today something that I've thought for many years now. If an individual is not comfortable by themselves then they are likely not ready for a relationship. I believe that what you do today can have consequences if not done right. I used to get very lonely and wish I had a girlfriend, or just friends in general, and I think that is super normal. However I have felt God wants me to work on my relationship with him so I can be the person he wants me to be. I know that I won't be perfect but there are big things that still need to change with me. So in short no I am not ready for a girlfriend. I don't mind going to eat or talk to people and have a good time. I'm just trying to be real and not have ulterior motives you know?"

That to me is good enough. He didn't say he's not interested in me that way or that he only likes me as a friend he's just not ready for a relationship. If it turns out he eventually begins a relationship with someone else yes it will sting but that just means there's someone else for me. I don't however believe this to be the case because of my prayers to God months before I met him and I was kind of watching how he acted with another girl on Tuesday and he definitely didn't act as enthusiastic as when he and I are talking and he even left their conversation to come talk to me because all my friends had left and I was sitting alone. We will see how it all turns out I'm hopeful but not naive

zeroturbulence · Sep 23, 2016

When I was a young man a woman told me pretty much the exact same thing. In my case it turned out that she was just trying to let me down easy because not long after that she was with one of my friends.. -_-

Not saying its gonna happen here, just had to share..

..and I never argue. I only correct people who are wrong.

(just kidding about that last part)

Roh_Chris · Sep 23, 2016

spiritleadme23 said:

Spirit, please be careful not to hurt yourself over your own hopes.

Peace!

Tintin · Sep 23, 2016

spiritleadme23 said:

So update for everyone you can stop arguing now. I finally had the time to send him a long text with my concerns because at church there is never a private moment. This is what I got in response to my message: "I was reading today something that I've thought for many years now. If an individual is not comfortable by themselves then they are likely not ready for a relationship. I believe that what you do today can have consequences if not done right. I used to get very lonely and wish I had a girlfriend, or just friends in general, and I think that is super normal. However I have felt God wants me to work on my relationship with him so I can be the person he wants me to be. I know that I won't be perfect but there are big things that still need to change with me. So in short no I am not ready for a girlfriend. I don't mind going to eat or talk to people and have a good time. I'm just trying to be real and not have ulterior motives you know?"

That to me is good enough. He didn't say he's not interested in me that way or that he only likes me as a friend he's just not ready for a relationship. If it turns out he eventually begins a relationship with someone else yes it will sting but that just means there's someone else for me. I don't however believe this to be the case because of my prayers to God months before I met him and I was kind of watching how he acted with another girl on Tuesday and he definitely didn't act as enthusiastic as when he and I are talking and he even left their conversation to come talk to me because all my friends had left and I was sitting alone. We will see how it all turns out I'm hopeful but not naive

He sounds like a good egg to me. Still, please be careful. God is for you, not against you. Trust in Him, always.

cinder · Sep 23, 2016

spiritleadme23 said:

You sound like a terrific woman, but it is a difficult road you are setting yourself on. Pray lots, guard your heart, and do your best to take care of his too. Don't let him turn to you as a good friend when he really needs to be turning to God. And if it comes to it, have the courage to tell him that a topic of conversation is inappropriate for between the two of you as friends and he really needs to find a guy to talk to about said topic.

spunkycat08 said:

So why are you so vehement that the way you would do things is the only right or best way to do them?

I've had meals alone with plenty of guys who were just friends, sometimes my treat, sometimes theirs.
I've gone to see a movie alone with a guy who was just a friend because it was a movie we both wanted to see.
I've had more one on one conversations with guys that are just friends than I can count.

And yes my emotions get involved with people I'm close to and sometimes it's difficult and confusing; but I wouldn't trade those friends and the benefit I've gained from them for the world, and I hope I've left behind a trail of guys that if you asked them about me they would say I was a good friend and a blessing.

There are challenges to living in a world that has become as gender mixed as ours; but I'd be very reluctant to say that there's only one way to go about it correctly.

spunkycat08 · Sep 23, 2016

cinder said:

Regarding the bolded part...

Because to me date-like activities with someone of the opposite sex can veer into the gray area between being friends or dating.

Plus the way I am wired I could not do this as friends.

I knew this when my husband and I were getting to know each-other. He wanted to hang out as friends, have dinner, watch a movie and so one, but I knew I could not do that. I am very receptive to how I am wired.

spunkycat08 · Sep 23, 2016

spiritleadme23 said:

So update for everyone you can stop arguing now. I finally had the time to send him a long text with my concerns because at church there is never a private moment. This is what I got in response to my message: "I was reading today something that I've thought for many years now. If an individual is not comfortable by themselves then they are likely not ready for a relationship. I believe that what you do today can have consequences if not done right. I used to get very lonely and wish I had a girlfriend, or just friends in general, and I think that is super normal. However I have felt God wants me to work on my relationship with him so I can be the person he wants me to be. I know that I won't be perfect but there are big things that still need to change with me. So in short no I am not ready for a girlfriend. I don't mind going to eat or talk to people and have a good time. I'm just trying to be real and not have ulterior motives you know?"

That to me is good enough. He didn't say he's not interested in me that way or that he only likes me as a friend he's just not ready for a relationship. If it turns out he eventually begins a relationship with someone else yes it will sting but that just means there's someone else for me. I don't however believe this to be the case because of my prayers to God months before I met him and I was kind of watching how he acted with another girl on Tuesday and he definitely didn't act as enthusiastic as when he and I are talking and he even left their conversation to come talk to me because all my friends had left and I was sitting alone. We will see how it all turns out I'm hopeful but not naive

So what would happen if another guy was romantically interested in you?

Would you date him instead?

How would that affect your friendship with the guy you mentioned in your original post?

spiritleadme23 · Sep 23, 2016

spunkycat08 said:

There aren't any guys romantically interested in me. Why are you so abrasive in your responses?

spunkycat08 · Sep 23, 2016

spiritleadme23 said:

Well...

Someone I worked with years ago told me this...

If a guy 1) does not know what he wants, 2) tells you he is not ready to date, but wants to hang out with you and get to know you, or 3) just wants to be friends with you while spending time with you one on one, then there is no reason why you cannot date other guys. Do not wait for him to make a decision, live your life on your terms.

The way I am wired internally I could not stay in the friend zone. That is just how it is for me.

Sometimes, people just want their cake and ice-cream.
While others would rather have a commitment.

Only time will tell.

I am not a cake and ice cream person.

spiritleadme23 · Sep 24, 2016

spunkycat08 said:

Sometimes God tells us to wait. You're making him to sound like some evil guy like in movies that just wants to toy with my emotions he's not like that at all. Like I said there aren't any other guys interested in me. The only other guys I'm around are in relationships and my group leader which like I've said acts friendly with me but not the same so he's not interested and the only guys at my job aren't Christians so I wouldn't consider them if they were interested. If another guy came along and was honest with me I'd prayerfully consider. One of the things I prayed months ago on a continuous basis was a relationship that was a friendship in the beginning because I've seen the most beautiful marriages come from those who were friends first.

Roh_Chris · Sep 24, 2016

spunkycat08 said:

We don't have a problem with how you are wired or how you perceive things. But it's not healthy when you try to force spirit to follow your opinion, because you interpret his behaviour differently. I think spirit has decided what is best for herself, so perhaps you have to concede your position out of respect for her and for her feelings.

spiritleadme23 · Feb 21, 2017

Hello all it has been months and I thought it'd be nice to give you a little update on this situation. I wish I were here to deliver the news we are now a couple, however we still are not. I am still patient as ever and content in the Lords timing though. I thought I might update you on how things have progressed in five months because although there is no romance yet boy has there been progress.

So in October I ended up meeting a guy on eharmony even though I hadn't used the site in months he messaged me first and came off as genuine so after about a week and a half of talking we met for a first date if you will. I was not stupid in going alone I took necessary precautions before anyone tries to scold me. Anyway we had a really great time in my opinion and I believed a second date would be soon and he seemed interested in what I said and vice versa. I always had Ty (friend/prospective boyfriend) in the back of my mind though. Fast forward five days later I had no texts or calls from him so I finally asked if everything was alright and that I enjoyed our time together. Hours after I sent that text he finally replied saying he was fine but he didn't think we had any chemistry and to not contact him any further. I honestly was more upset at the fact it took him that long to tell me and if I hadn't asked him would I have ever known. I had had a small vacation with my sister so I missed church that same week and after about two weeks of not texting Ty texts me out of the blue asking if I'm ok and that "everyone" has been missing me at church. I just found it oddly specific that within like two days of this other guy rejecting me, he just pops back into the front of my mind with his caring nature and whatnot. I had decided to give him some space after he said he wasn't ready for a relationship because I didn't want him to think that's all I was after or make him uncomfortable because he was rather upset thinking he had hurt my feelings and led me on.

We continued our friendship without awkwardness and one morning at church he saw me with my mother and made it a point to come and introduce himself to her which was kind of...I don't know.

Then beginning of December I came down with a nasty fever one weekend. It was so awful I thought I was going to keel over 103.5 at its highest while I was on Tylenol. Anyway I sent out a mass text for prayers of healing so I could be ready for work on Monday. Monday morning I wake up with a sharp stabbing pain in my left side every time I took a breath or moved funny or bent over but once I had clothes on it was better I guess from the pressure. Lunch time came and I couldn't take it anymore I have to lift 30-50 pound children multiple times a day and I couldn't do it and I was crying and my boss found me and asked what was wrong I told her and she said you need to go you need to see a doctor so I did. Meanwhile Ty texted me asking how I was feeling and I told him and he asked if I was at the doctor and I said yes he said let me know what you find out. Five hours later test after test and X-rays they finally told me I had pneumonia and strep throat and the strep throat with a high fever gone untreated over the weekend probably caused the pneumonia. So I was out the whole week. I told Ty like he asked and he kept asking how I was feeling and more than once asked if he needed to stop somewhere on his way from work or wherever he was and get me anything food medicine anything I needed which was the sweetest. If I hadn't looked and smelled like death warmed over and I actually had something he could've gotten me I would've given in just so I could see him but I didn't and he kept saying let me know of that changes. It took so much energy out of me and it was another full week before I made it back to church. He saw me and his eyes literally got brighter and he came over and gave me the biggest hug yet and said you're back it feels like a month since I've last seen you it's so good to see you how are you feeling etc. So that made me feel good. Then on Christmas Eve I didn't have a way to get to church and he was asking if I was going to the same advice as him and I said I would probably be going to my sisters church since I couldn't get there and he said no it's ok I'll come get you which he did. Then when we went inside he sat a couple seats away from me and said I need to save some seats for my family so he brought me with him even though he had his family coming. They came in and he scooted down until he was next to me. Then after service he introduced to his dad and step mom and two younger sisters. One of them was about my age and really nice and she asks me really excitedly if I'm coming to dinner with them. I look at Ty to see if he has any opinions or objections and he said if you want to come you're welcome so I said yes. So I went out to dinner with him and part of his family on Christmas Eve. He paid for my meal even though I had my card out and ready and they were all nice and tried to include me in the conversations as much as possible and his sister gave me a quick hug and said it was nice meeting me and whatnot. Then I thought he was just going to take me home but he ended up stopping at this little park area that had a Christmas light scene you can walk through and take pictures and so on. So we walked around there a little while and chatted we didn't take pictures together but he did take one of me in front of a tree so maybe not as cute as it could have been but it was still an amazing night. You don't just invite any friend to Christmas Eve dinner with your family I've never really heard anyone to do that. We've had some great talking and connections since and he even introduced me to one of my dear friends now because I've been going through a really dark time and he knew he couldn't be the one to help me through all of it and that I needed an older Godly woman not that he wasn't talking to me or praying for everything but he knew I couldn't be as intimate and vulnerable with him as with someone if the same sex at least not when we're just friends, so he said let me talk to my friend's wife and see if yal can talk so you don't feel as alone because I can only help you so much. Anyway it deepened my admiration for him. About three weeks ago everyone went out for pizza after Tuesday night service and he had given me a ride and asked if I wanted to go which I said yes and so we went and as I went to pay for my food I looked up and he was already halfway to a table and the woman at the counter said oh he already got you covered so I walked off to find him and said you didn't have to do that and he was all weeeelll I did and gave me his goofy grin that he does a lot. So he paid for my food again. I've even asked my girlfriends that see both of us on a semi regular basis and they all say that he's not as affectionate or close with them as me and none of them have his phone number. He also has kept asking me about my car that needs a lot of repairs and that he'd like to take care of that for me and help me out which yeah. So I don't know I'm hoping soon something more will develop because I feel like between now and last time I made a post we made a pretty big development maybe not in a lot of people's eyes since we're still not dating but to me it is. I've seen him branching out more and making more and more friends and I'm so proud and yet I'm still considered as one of his closest friends because he's told me so. He's also said and done things to/for me spiritually which I had always prayed that my future husband would do and I just believe it's another confirmation that I'm not supposed to let this guy go. I also had a dream the other night that he proposed to me. Obviously it could've just been a wishful dream or it could've been more either way it was a great dream that I hope comes true in the near future but not before we're ready.

tourist · Feb 21, 2017

Sounds to me that he is just about ready and so do you. The guy obviously cares about you in a special way. Although it may not be obvious it seems to me that you two are dating. Next time you see him maybe you should be a little affectionate also. The relationship appears to be promising. I think that you have every reason for optimism.

spunkycat08 · Feb 21, 2017

OP:

Have you invited your male friend to a mixed gender activity with your other friends outside of church?
This way your friends can get a sense of what is happening without it officially being a date, and they can give you feedback.

spunkycat08 · Feb 21, 2017

OP:

You have the option of continuing to date others while remaining friends with him.

spunkycat08 · Feb 21, 2017

OP:

Here is an idea.

Instead of settling into intimate “just friends” relationships, casually date each other, especially when the 2 of you like each other but are not sure both of you like each other enough to date. Hang out in groups, go on coffee dates and so on. But acknowledge the fact that this isn’t just two friends hanging out. Because you’re not “friends,” you leave open the possibility that sparks might fly sometime down the road, and keeping the formality of dating will hopefully help you to avoid undue emotional intimacy.

spunkycat08 · Feb 22, 2017

OP:
What is God's will for the situation between you and him?
What does God want to happen regarding this?
Is he in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime according to God?

spunkycat08 · Feb 24, 2017

Christian Chat members:

Going by the link below, which category does the OP and her male friend fall under?

Hanging Out vs. Traditional Dating - Stronger Marriage - strongermarriage.org

spiritleadme23 · Feb 26, 2017

I stated in my original posts that we have hung out with mutual friends at church and other activities like game nights, going out to eat, etc so yes that has already been done. Like I said my friends have already commented on how much he seems to care for me and that he acts differently with them. I'm working on trying to talk and get closer with one of his close guy friends to try and casually bring that up without looking weird or desperate because honestly at this point that's all I need is male opinions. I know I am free to date, that doesn't mean I have to you are making it seem like I'm wrong to not want to date other guys. I tried it a few times months ago and it didn't get very far and God always brought Ty back into the picture more prominently so to me that is a sign from Him that I don't need to be thinking about other guys right now. Just focus on my relationship with God and my friendship with him and have patience. I've had so many confirmations from others and in my prayers so I don't see why it's still up for question that I don't know what God has to say about it. No I don't know 100% but no one can ever know something with 100% certainty other than God is sovereign. I don't think it's right to continue to date other guys when those doors keep being closed and I have feelings for one guy and everyone in my life has been saying I need to hold onto him and wait for him.

Does he like me or is he just being a gentleman?

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