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C
Wow! It's been so long! I actually got a fb message letting me know that I needed to come back because an old post had been drug up. lol
Okay, update!
A couple of years ago I was friends with a guy for about a year, he knew that I was a single mom but hadn't ever met my daughter. He came with me as my date to a friend's wedding and expressed his feelings for me. I finally let my guard down when he disappeared from the face of the earth for a week only to resurface and tell me that he didn't want to date someone with a kid. This almost broke me. If he would have said so earlier on, no big deal. But it wasn't until after I'd let my guard down and he'd expressed feelings for me that he said so. It hurts when the most precious thing in the world to you is the reason someone doesn't want to be with you. It brings lots of conflicting feelings. I took it all to the Lord and realized that I couldn't fault him for the way that he felt and that maybe he just wasn't aware. The Lord did a lot of healing in me and how I viewed myself during this time.
Less than a year later, shortly after joining a new church, I met a man who was absolutely sold out to the Lord and we just "clicked" and started dating. He had 3 kids of his own from a previous marriage. We dated for 7 months and then broke up at the beginning of March. The Lord has, again, been walking us both through some healing that definitely needed to take place. I'm not sure what is going to happen at this point, but we're still friends and have a very supportive church family.
I've experienced, though, a fair amount of men who asked me out and/or were willing to date and even marry me (after only a few weeks of dating! O_O *red flag*) even though I had a daughter.
The truth is, when the Lord is in it and you trust the other person's relationship with the Lord, it's not hard. I didn't have to worry at all about my daughter being a burden, nor my past. I was able to talk with him about things I've done and he would kiss my tears away and remind me that I'm a new creation and that those things are no longer a part of who I am. So I have grown so much in my understanding of the Lord, as well as how He sees me.
Hopefully that's a decent summary. lol
I also want to add that I have found my way back to a lot of "christian" ideals about marriage, waiting to have sex, modesty, etc. in the last few years of being single. I know it sounds SO cliche, but I've really learned how to have that intimate relationship with the Lord as though He were my husband. It's an intentional relationship filled with communication and love. I've learned that those things come from a heart of love, not because of some religious list that I was brought up to follow and that it really is for my good and the good of whomever I may end up with. That was an interesting journey back to doing things the way that God designed them.
Okay, update!
A couple of years ago I was friends with a guy for about a year, he knew that I was a single mom but hadn't ever met my daughter. He came with me as my date to a friend's wedding and expressed his feelings for me. I finally let my guard down when he disappeared from the face of the earth for a week only to resurface and tell me that he didn't want to date someone with a kid. This almost broke me. If he would have said so earlier on, no big deal. But it wasn't until after I'd let my guard down and he'd expressed feelings for me that he said so. It hurts when the most precious thing in the world to you is the reason someone doesn't want to be with you. It brings lots of conflicting feelings. I took it all to the Lord and realized that I couldn't fault him for the way that he felt and that maybe he just wasn't aware. The Lord did a lot of healing in me and how I viewed myself during this time.
Less than a year later, shortly after joining a new church, I met a man who was absolutely sold out to the Lord and we just "clicked" and started dating. He had 3 kids of his own from a previous marriage. We dated for 7 months and then broke up at the beginning of March. The Lord has, again, been walking us both through some healing that definitely needed to take place. I'm not sure what is going to happen at this point, but we're still friends and have a very supportive church family.
I've experienced, though, a fair amount of men who asked me out and/or were willing to date and even marry me (after only a few weeks of dating! O_O *red flag*) even though I had a daughter.
The truth is, when the Lord is in it and you trust the other person's relationship with the Lord, it's not hard. I didn't have to worry at all about my daughter being a burden, nor my past. I was able to talk with him about things I've done and he would kiss my tears away and remind me that I'm a new creation and that those things are no longer a part of who I am. So I have grown so much in my understanding of the Lord, as well as how He sees me.
Hopefully that's a decent summary. lol
I also want to add that I have found my way back to a lot of "christian" ideals about marriage, waiting to have sex, modesty, etc. in the last few years of being single. I know it sounds SO cliche, but I've really learned how to have that intimate relationship with the Lord as though He were my husband. It's an intentional relationship filled with communication and love. I've learned that those things come from a heart of love, not because of some religious list that I was brought up to follow and that it really is for my good and the good of whomever I may end up with. That was an interesting journey back to doing things the way that God designed them.
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I'm divorced (against my will) and don't have children.
Here's my two cents, if anyone would like to hear. Here's what I would consider:
1) Am I willing to forego the shared experience of being a first time parent?
There's a lot of functional parental identity that married parents develop *together* through time and experience. It's is a severely different dynamic when one is an experienced parent with an established family identity, while the other has to jump straight into the deep end of the pool, rather than learning developing roles and being a team throughout.
Personally, this would be a MAJOR factor for me personally, as I really want to become a dad some day, but I really want to share that NEW experience with my wife. Sure, this is partly due to intimidation by having suddenly to become a parent to someone else's children, each with their own experiences, norms and expectations, and partly due to a sensitivity towards the feelings of the kids involved (having come from divorced parents) when uprooting their norms and setting up new ones, but mostly it's because I consider that shared experience of becoming a parent as a big part of developing a deeply-rooted marriage. I listed it first because I find it pretty insulting and unfair for it to be said a man isn't "Godly enough" or "manly enough" or even that he isn't "up to the challenge." That may not be true at all. Some guys just want to share the entire parenting experience with their wife and don't want to lose the bonds that form during that part of your lives, or the establishment of a unified parenting face to their children.
2) Why is she a single mom?
This is the biggest consideration. I understand sins and bad choices. I also know (as in my own situation) that divorce doesn't require the consent of both people. Most tragically, sometimes a spouse's life is cut short. While it's no good to condemn someone for their choices, understanding the decision-making of your potential spouse is necessary to gauge their character. Some might inappropriately call this judging, but if you won't gauge the character of the person you're courting, you can't determine if they have godly character. Are they a single mother because they decided to forsake their covenant, or because they were unwilling to sacrifice as needed to keep it? I find these to be very personal, but very necessary questions. I believe that if they are off-limits, there is likely an issue with an unrepentant heart that would be a huge red flag - too likely to be ignored. If she owns her mistakes, is she willing to be reconciled to her husband? If not, why not? Does she have issues with forgiveness/bitterness? Does it put me in a bind spiritually, marrying and sleeping with another man's wife just because things were too tough with her husband? I won't go there. But it begs the question - what is her perspective on the significance of and what is required of a covenant?
3) Is there another man raising and making decisions regarding my children?
This is the second biggest question for me. I don't want another man in my marriage/family. If the kids' biological dad is making choices for and raising "my" kids, that's not okay with me. ESPECIALLY if he is the sort that it was so important to get away from that someone broke covenant over. If it's okay enough for him to be around, it's okay enough to do the biblical thing and be reconciled. Either way, if there is another dad involved, it's just not okay with me. I have compassion for her, but I have more compassion for the children and not having to have multiple "allegiances" with multiple parents. I can fully understand a parent wanting to have a "godly" influence in the form of a loving new spouse, but from the kids' perspective, if the dad is still in their life, they already HAVE a dad, and don't want another - this only confuses things. They usually just wish their dad was there and and that their parents would love each other and be together. I also think it's terrible for kids to see their mother being with someone who they know is NOT their dad. For me as a Christian kid, it was gut-wrenching and heartbreaking. I don't think any kid should be faced with that. If dad is in their life, Dad should be dad. This is just my perspective. All this said, I had a step-dad who I REALLY butted heads with early on, but I really appreciate him as a man now. He's a good guy, but no kid should be placed in that situation when they already have a dad (again, my opinion).
I have a friend who married a gal with two bratty kids who she loves very much, and though she won't allow him to discipline the other man's kids (*facepalm*) he is the most patient, loving dad and step-dad a family could ever hope for and they have one new kiddo together. And I do believe he's an extreme blessing to the other kids and to his wife. I know God has and will continue to bless him. There are many instances of Godly men stepping up to be a parent and husband to wayward families. Just be as careful not to "judge" Godly guys for having reservations before leaping into a relationship with a single mom.
All of these things being said, after having my own kids, I'd gladly adopt kids at any age as part of the love/family ministry. I would love to show these kids unconditional love they'd given up hope for. My heart feels the same compassion for a single mom who feels no hope for having a godly Christ-following husband. To be clear, although I've studied it in depth, I'm not clear on God's heart regarding how to handle all of these modern situations yet. There are several excuses for divorce that we've culturally inserted recently that were not mentioned in scripture and were not accepted in that time. Frankly, Jesus revealed that even the human excuse in Mosaic law (infidelity) is not really God's will and is no excuse. And yet He applies mercy and grace for a repentant heart and keeps his covenant with us no matter what. I don't know what God's answer is for this, but I do know that He is loving, compassionate, and faithful. Make Him the center of all that you do and how you think, and He will provide over and above all that you need. And when things are tough, hold on and don't give up. All seasons are only seasons. It's not a hopeless situation, but Godly care should be taken, I think. Just my opinion.
Blessings in Jesus,
PolarGuyInAK
Here's my two cents, if anyone would like to hear. Here's what I would consider:
1) Am I willing to forego the shared experience of being a first time parent?
There's a lot of functional parental identity that married parents develop *together* through time and experience. It's is a severely different dynamic when one is an experienced parent with an established family identity, while the other has to jump straight into the deep end of the pool, rather than learning developing roles and being a team throughout.
Personally, this would be a MAJOR factor for me personally, as I really want to become a dad some day, but I really want to share that NEW experience with my wife. Sure, this is partly due to intimidation by having suddenly to become a parent to someone else's children, each with their own experiences, norms and expectations, and partly due to a sensitivity towards the feelings of the kids involved (having come from divorced parents) when uprooting their norms and setting up new ones, but mostly it's because I consider that shared experience of becoming a parent as a big part of developing a deeply-rooted marriage. I listed it first because I find it pretty insulting and unfair for it to be said a man isn't "Godly enough" or "manly enough" or even that he isn't "up to the challenge." That may not be true at all. Some guys just want to share the entire parenting experience with their wife and don't want to lose the bonds that form during that part of your lives, or the establishment of a unified parenting face to their children.
2) Why is she a single mom?
This is the biggest consideration. I understand sins and bad choices. I also know (as in my own situation) that divorce doesn't require the consent of both people. Most tragically, sometimes a spouse's life is cut short. While it's no good to condemn someone for their choices, understanding the decision-making of your potential spouse is necessary to gauge their character. Some might inappropriately call this judging, but if you won't gauge the character of the person you're courting, you can't determine if they have godly character. Are they a single mother because they decided to forsake their covenant, or because they were unwilling to sacrifice as needed to keep it? I find these to be very personal, but very necessary questions. I believe that if they are off-limits, there is likely an issue with an unrepentant heart that would be a huge red flag - too likely to be ignored. If she owns her mistakes, is she willing to be reconciled to her husband? If not, why not? Does she have issues with forgiveness/bitterness? Does it put me in a bind spiritually, marrying and sleeping with another man's wife just because things were too tough with her husband? I won't go there. But it begs the question - what is her perspective on the significance of and what is required of a covenant?
3) Is there another man raising and making decisions regarding my children?
This is the second biggest question for me. I don't want another man in my marriage/family. If the kids' biological dad is making choices for and raising "my" kids, that's not okay with me. ESPECIALLY if he is the sort that it was so important to get away from that someone broke covenant over. If it's okay enough for him to be around, it's okay enough to do the biblical thing and be reconciled. Either way, if there is another dad involved, it's just not okay with me. I have compassion for her, but I have more compassion for the children and not having to have multiple "allegiances" with multiple parents. I can fully understand a parent wanting to have a "godly" influence in the form of a loving new spouse, but from the kids' perspective, if the dad is still in their life, they already HAVE a dad, and don't want another - this only confuses things. They usually just wish their dad was there and and that their parents would love each other and be together. I also think it's terrible for kids to see their mother being with someone who they know is NOT their dad. For me as a Christian kid, it was gut-wrenching and heartbreaking. I don't think any kid should be faced with that. If dad is in their life, Dad should be dad. This is just my perspective. All this said, I had a step-dad who I REALLY butted heads with early on, but I really appreciate him as a man now. He's a good guy, but no kid should be placed in that situation when they already have a dad (again, my opinion).
I have a friend who married a gal with two bratty kids who she loves very much, and though she won't allow him to discipline the other man's kids (*facepalm*) he is the most patient, loving dad and step-dad a family could ever hope for and they have one new kiddo together. And I do believe he's an extreme blessing to the other kids and to his wife. I know God has and will continue to bless him. There are many instances of Godly men stepping up to be a parent and husband to wayward families. Just be as careful not to "judge" Godly guys for having reservations before leaping into a relationship with a single mom.
All of these things being said, after having my own kids, I'd gladly adopt kids at any age as part of the love/family ministry. I would love to show these kids unconditional love they'd given up hope for. My heart feels the same compassion for a single mom who feels no hope for having a godly Christ-following husband. To be clear, although I've studied it in depth, I'm not clear on God's heart regarding how to handle all of these modern situations yet. There are several excuses for divorce that we've culturally inserted recently that were not mentioned in scripture and were not accepted in that time. Frankly, Jesus revealed that even the human excuse in Mosaic law (infidelity) is not really God's will and is no excuse. And yet He applies mercy and grace for a repentant heart and keeps his covenant with us no matter what. I don't know what God's answer is for this, but I do know that He is loving, compassionate, and faithful. Make Him the center of all that you do and how you think, and He will provide over and above all that you need. And when things are tough, hold on and don't give up. All seasons are only seasons. It's not a hopeless situation, but Godly care should be taken, I think. Just my opinion.
Blessings in Jesus,
PolarGuyInAK
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Wow! It's been so long! I actually got a fb message letting me know that I needed to come back because an old post had been drug up. lol
Okay, update! ...
Okay, update! ...
One last important thing: as a guy who desires a genuine and intimate relationship with God, my heart needs to be submissive to and moldable by the Holy Spirit. There may be a gal with whom all these things will be settled in my spirit, and the Lord leads me to marry. I don't know, but I am open for Him to shape my thinking and feeling for His glory, and may it be so for all my brothers out there. Amen
C
I think that you have some very valid and understandable points. These days I am quite a big proponent of loving and accepting people right where they are. I got very angry at the man who broke my newly opened heart just because he didn't want to date someone with a kid. But now I understand that that's just where he was. When it's the Lord, it's easy and full of peace. Sometimes there are things that you otherwise would not like or approve of, but when the Lord gives you a glimpse of how He sees that person, you can't do anything BUT love them. This happens with relationships as well.
I think that having those thoughts/beliefs about dating a single mom are completely legit, but I'm also very happy to know that you value being sensitive to the Holy Spirit above those ideals and that you would be willing to go wherever He may lead. That's a fantastic place to be!
I think that having those thoughts/beliefs about dating a single mom are completely legit, but I'm also very happy to know that you value being sensitive to the Holy Spirit above those ideals and that you would be willing to go wherever He may lead. That's a fantastic place to be!
I think there's men out there mature enuff for a relationship, but not mature enuff to have kids yet.
IMO there's a fine line there, & some are not ready to cross it.
If the woman won't let you at least say something to discipline her children, it's time to move on, for she isn't disciplined or mature enuff herself.
It's been my experience that parents that have brats are irresponsible & spiritually immature. Some may be brats themselves.
My son dated a woman with 2 kids, both of them bratty. After several months, the mother let her guard down & showed her true colors, & sassed her parents in front of him. They were already engaged, & he had got to really see her for the first time. He broke it off immediately. After he did, She really came out of the closet..... turns out she was a controller, too!
IMO there's a fine line there, & some are not ready to cross it.
If the woman won't let you at least say something to discipline her children, it's time to move on, for she isn't disciplined or mature enuff herself.
It's been my experience that parents that have brats are irresponsible & spiritually immature. Some may be brats themselves.
My son dated a woman with 2 kids, both of them bratty. After several months, the mother let her guard down & showed her true colors, & sassed her parents in front of him. They were already engaged, & he had got to really see her for the first time. He broke it off immediately. After he did, She really came out of the closet..... turns out she was a controller, too!
B
I really appreciate that you added this part.
In as much as I agree with your previous statement, I agree that it is really upon the Holy Spirit to guide us in any relationships. If He gives you the peace you will manage to hold that relationship down and grow.
In as much as I agree with your previous statement, I agree that it is really upon the Holy Spirit to guide us in any relationships. If He gives you the peace you will manage to hold that relationship down and grow.
One last important thing: as a guy who desires a genuine and intimate relationship with God, my heart needs to be submissive to and moldable by the Holy Spirit. There may be a gal with whom all these things will be settled in my spirit, and the Lord leads me to marry. I don't know, but I am open for Him to shape my thinking and feeling for His glory, and may it be so for all my brothers out there. Amen
[video=youtube;rffbsbYQ9k8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rffbsbYQ9k8[/video]
I've been cheated, been mistreated
When will I be loved
I've been put down, I've been pushed 'round
When will I be loved
When I find a new man that I want for mine
Always breaks my heart in two, it happens every time
I've been made blue, I've been lied to
When will I be loved
When I find a new man that I want for mine
Always breaks my heart in two, it happens every time
I've been cheated, been mistreated
When will I be loved
When will I be loved
Tell me when will I be loved
I've been cheated, been mistreated
When will I be loved
I've been put down, I've been pushed 'round
When will I be loved
When I find a new man that I want for mine
Always breaks my heart in two, it happens every time
I've been made blue, I've been lied to
When will I be loved
When I find a new man that I want for mine
Always breaks my heart in two, it happens every time
I've been cheated, been mistreated
When will I be loved
When will I be loved
Tell me when will I be loved
I'm glad to hear you are doing reasonably and going strong in the Lord Catlynn.
Yeah, it's a difficult topic. I think people should be willing to give things a go, though having a child does change practical things (some/all of which you have already mentioned Polarguy)
There is a third/fourth person to consider, you don't have quite the same experience in setting up your family, there may be another girl/guy involved, and the other person (rightly) isn't really as free to hang out and get to know each other. All up I guess it's a big step up in commitment, which means taking things more carefully.
These things aren't insurmountable though & I'd imagine the children could become quite a blessing in the marriage!
Yeah, it's a difficult topic. I think people should be willing to give things a go, though having a child does change practical things (some/all of which you have already mentioned Polarguy)
There is a third/fourth person to consider, you don't have quite the same experience in setting up your family, there may be another girl/guy involved, and the other person (rightly) isn't really as free to hang out and get to know each other. All up I guess it's a big step up in commitment, which means taking things more carefully.
These things aren't insurmountable though & I'd imagine the children could become quite a blessing in the marriage!
U
I have no problem dating single mothers. I've dated multiple. Not too worried about how it happened. I'm more interested in who they are now. Granted there can be some things, with any woman, that might steer me away, with their past and how it affects them presently. But for the most part a persons past is just that.
First I'm angry at the posting that suggested single women with children are fornicators. There are some who at in that position because they're widows or have been raped. Second, Christ died for our sins, including that one. The child is innocent.
Fortunately, to my husband, the hows or why didn't matter and he was a wonderful father to my sons. Consider how Mary would have gotten along without Joseph!
Just be where GOD wants YOU and the rest will fall into place.
Fortunately, to my husband, the hows or why didn't matter and he was a wonderful father to my sons. Consider how Mary would have gotten along without Joseph!
Just be where GOD wants YOU and the rest will fall into place.
It seems that every woman that is single is a mother, some of them never even married. I live in a fantasy world when I say, I'm looking for a woman to start a new family with, not a woman who already has one. When did marriage stop being a covenant with God in the center? I wish I had more patience when I was younger, I may have had a chance to start a family of my own without screwing it up. Many women want children without the thought of having a husband first, how is this fair to the child or anyone? Shouldn't a husband come before children? Any one who marries a divorced woman has sinned. Any man who divorces a woman except for adultery has caused that woman to sin also. Luckily God understands our faults and is willing to forgive us, should we repent.
I don't think anything bad of them, but I don't think I would date them. For me, if I ever want kids, I want that experience for myself. Then there's always the issue with the dad; is he gonna cause problems, etc.? Idk? lol. It's just not really a situation that I would want to get into. But that's just me. Everyone's different.
I have a great respect for single mothers who work hard to provide for their children. Often times, they have been put in the place of being required to take on all the roles of being father and mother, provider and comforter, counselor and authoritative figure.........Single mothers face a huge task and deserve to be respected when they do a difficult job well.
K
I dare say that some single moms are better than single ladies because they tend to understand a man better. However, the most important thing is packaging. Some single mum tend to wear the look on their faces and this is what scares the men. Shake off your past, refuse to let it hunt or torment you. Carry the mindset of a single lady and not a single mum. I can assure you, the man who truly loves you will care less when he discovers a child or two is involved