How Many For You?

[Matthew]

When you're chatting, how many conversations do you have all at once?

I try to approach my behaviour online as I do in real life, to keep some consistency.
When I first came here I'd get a PM and start talking to someone and their response would seem to take 2-3 minutes, I chalked it up to the normal stuttering nature of most first conversations.

But the longer I've been here the more I realise that it's actually because people tend towards having multiple PM's on the go whilst also continuing to follow and join the discussion in the main room.

I know the internet is unique, but you'd never do that in real life, and it's not because you couldn't, it's because it's incredibly rude, and you desire undivided attention from the person you are speaking with and so you give it in return.

I find it hard to understand when it's all about fellowship, how can you dig deeper with someone if your dividing your time and attention to several people all at once, does it lead to genuinely enjoyable chatting, or is inane small talk with multiple people simultaneously just far more satisfying than I think?

I ask because no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get involved in the chat rooms, and part of it is me, I'm not so comfortable there I admit, but it's hard enough without feeling like it's a war just to get someone's full attention.

Are the social butterflies here just eager to get to the next new person? or am I just a pariah>
Anyone else encounter this?

 

[Catlynn]

You know....I was just thinking about this the other day. I try to be nice and talk to everyone at the same time but I feel so torn in every direction that I can't really give my all to any one person. However, I've also been feeling like this in life in general lately. Everyone has been wanting to hang out (one person even wanted to date!) but I am not one of those people that can have tons of friends. I tend to pour my all into a relationship and when I'm being stretched thinly between so many....I just start to shut down. haha So anyways....I know how you feel. I think there's a fine line between being nice to everyone....and not having too much going on at once. I think it depends on the person you're talking to as well. Not everyone is talking to everyone all at the same time. ^_^

 

[seoulsearch]

I've found too that even if someone isn't talking to four different people at once, there are plenty of other things to compete with--the person is probably watching TV, talking to a roommate, looking at their Facebook account, and checking their phone--all at once.

I'm guilty of this as well--I try to talk with only one or two people at a time, max, but with some particularly slow chats (the person took a while to respond), I would check and toss my junk mail, wash or dry dishes in between messages, etc.

I guess nowadays, so-called "multi-tasking", whether between tasks or people, is almost an automatic action(s) of habit.

 

[Catlynn]

Also, I often leave to take care of my baby without telling anyone. haha

 

[zeroturbulence]

I'm sorry did you say something?









haha j/k.

 

[Jullianna]

I like to either talk in main chat, which is what I do most of the time, or talk with one person in PM. As I've said before, I'm not good at small talk, so having several conversations about nothing going on at once is frustrating to me.

If someone is involved in a discussion in the main chat, you might say hi, but I've actually had people get upset with me for not leaving an interesting conversation they can clearly see I'm engaged in with main chatters. That's not something one would do at a social gathering, is it? Unless, of course, it's about something serious or urgent.

On the flipside, I've had people get upset with me for not saying hi to them in main chat because I was involved in a great convo in PM and simply didn't see them.

Also, if you PM with someone of the opposite sex, oftentimes it's taken wrong and they will then think it's okay to monopolize your time anytime you come on from that point on and get upset if you say you are talking with someone.

You just can't win Thus the "I'm not a fan of PMs" in my chat window

 

[Bridget_Left_China]

I stink at multitasking with chat windows. The most I can handle.. and still be attentive to each person.. is 2. More than that and I am neglecting someone and then that leads to hurt feelings and so on. I cannot keep up with multiple PM's in the lounge.. And of course.. every time I initiate a PM.. which is less and less frequent, I get barraged by "Hi" and "GBU" and other "getting to know you" pm's that I unfortunately end up ignoring... :/

Also, if you PM with someone of the opposite sex, oftentimes it's taken wrong and they will then think it's okay to monopolize your time anytime you come on from that point on and get upset if you say you are talking with someone. You just can't win

I agree!!! This has happened far too often!

 

[kayem77]

More than 2 PM's and I go crazy , the same as Bridget.

 

[error]

I hate when ppl ask me questions they already know the answer to.
Esp. i don't like questions like- where are you from? how old are you? (hello!!!!? you can see that info about me- well, if you are not blind)

I try to be polite and answer to all ppl, but sometimes i just say- sry, but i'm not interested in this conversation.

 

[rus_lady]

if to talk about pm then i dont use pm box much now , but if i do then i prefer to talk with one person dont understand the idea of multitusking .

 

[Matthew]

If someone is involved in a discussion in the main chat, you might say hi, but I've actually had people get upset with me for not leaving an interesting conversation they can clearly see I'm engaged in with main chatters. That's not something one would do at a social gathering, is it? Unless, of course, it's about something serious or urgent.

On the flipside, I've had people get upset with me for not saying hi to them in main chat because I was involved in a great convo in PM and simply didn't see them.

Also, if you PM with someone of the opposite sex, oftentimes it's taken wrong and they will then think it's okay to monopolize your time anytime you come on from that point on and get upset if you say you are talking with someone.

I don't understand any of this behaviour, but I've experienced some of it myself.
Why a person would expect you to up sticks and start talking to them I've no idea, if they can see you are already chatting.

Also, with all the comings and goings in the lounge along with PM's it's not hard to miss someone entering, in spite of that anoying little sound it makes when they say your name. though I'd imagine it's more annoying to me than most because when anyone quotes from Matthew......off it goes, I thought everybody loved me until I realised that.

 

[Matthew]

I've found too that even if someone isn't talking to four different people at once, there are plenty of other things to compete with--the person is probably watching TV, talking to a roommate, looking at their Facebook account, and checking their phone--all at once.

I understand there are always other factors in play, but I generally think a conversation is only going to be as good as the effort you put in, and so it's not going to flourish into any kind of friendship if the laundry is being done at the same time.

I guess it's different personalities, I just think you get the best results at anything if you focus your attention on one thing at a time, now with housework maybe not, but with human relationships, I think so, even if they begin online.

Of course if you have a baby there's not a lot you can do about it
But in general I think people can sense when they are a priority or an afterthought and I don't enjoy feeling like the latter.

 

[Catlynn]

I understand there are always other factors in play, but I generally think a conversation is only going to be as good as the effort you put in, and so it's not going to flourish into any kind of friendship if the laundry is being done at the same time.

Hmm the way my life is right now (and probably why I'm lacking in friends lol) pretty much everyone and everything else is taking a back seat to God, my baby and the family that I work for with the special needs boy. I'm very limited in hang out time. Haha that's why I need to make sure I step it up with my online friends. Thanks for this post, Matthew. It's been great for me and affirmation of what's been on my heart.

 

[Catlynn]

And by "post" I meant "thread" lol

 

[See_KING_Truth]

Private messages tend to get annoying when you are trying to follow conversation in the main chat. Especially since pms tend to cover up a large portion of the chat window. There are so many people that like to start the conversation with "Hi" and then leave it to me to keep things moving along. I don't have a very long attention span so it is critical for somebody to keep me intererested if they want to continue chatting.

The majority of my messages tend to get ignored and it is not because I am rude, inconsiderate or just all out mean, I just like to keep the pm windows to a minimum. Also, sometimes by giving somebody your undivided attention in a pm, they tend to get the idea that you owe them that or expect your full attention every time they message you. I don't owe anybody anything, except love.

 

[VanillaLatte]

I can totally relate to what you are saying, that's why I'd rather read posts from forums.

 

[Matthew]

There are so many people that like to start the conversation with "Hi" and then leave it to me to keep things moving along.

That is something I've noticed too, I like to meet new people but so often it's just 'hi' and then nothing else, which comes across as lazy, or like they've done it to several people and then chat to whoever responds, either way it's quite frustrating.

 

[Oncefallen]

Also, if you PM with someone of the opposite sex, oftentimes it's taken wrong and they will then think it's okay to monopolize your time anytime you come on from that point on and get upset if you say you are talking with someone.

I've had this problem even with members of the same gender. Some people are just needy and will latch onto the first person who pays them attention.

Outside of moderation duties I don't PM a lot, and most private conversations that I do have were initiated by the other person. I guess part of that is due to shyness, the other part due to not wanting to come across as the creepy guy.

 

[GreenNnice]

Private messages tend to get annoying when you are trying to follow conversation in the main chat. Especially since pms tend to cover up a large portion of the chat window. There are so many people that like to start the conversation with "Hi" and then leave it to me to keep things moving along. I don't have a very long attention span so it is critical for somebody to keep me intererested if they want to continue chatting.

The majority of my messages tend to get ignored and it is not because I am rude, inconsiderate or just all out mean, I just like to keep the pm windows to a minimum. Also, sometimes by giving somebody your undivided attention in a pm, they tend to get the idea that you owe them that or expect your full attention every time they message you. I don't owe anybody anything, except love.

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[niceguyJ]

Great thread going here. I've been thinking about this kind of stuff some lately too. I haven't been into the CC chat room much, but I've been doing chatting online for many years off and on.

It's absolutely too much for me to try to follow the main chat and keep up with PMs too. It's just too much of a headache and I miss stuff. What would chat be like without a PM option? I know they can be useful, and I have used that feature plenty. I tend to share more that way. However, chatting without them works well I think because it's a group discussion. Then you can reply to one person sometimes, then maybe another as they bring up something, etc. etc. without being obligated to have an ongoing conversation with the one person the whole time. You're just participating in the same group discussion. That is harder to do for shy people though. I know that firsthand as I used to be super shy. I do tend to be more outgoing online anyways though.

If I do PMs, I am likely not even attempting to pay attention to the main chat/group discussion. In that case, I think I do alright talking to 2 maybe 3 at the most. Of course responses will be slower like that, but if you're like me you'd rather wait for a decent response than get a quick "uh-huh" "yeah" or whatever that was sent just because the person feels a time crunch to say something. ha. Maybe if some would think of it as just a quicker form of e-mail and have some patience that would work out okay without anyone getting upset. Speaking of e-mail, I still think that's a good way to get to know someone. That and the private messages that you can send back and forth to people in the forum here. I wouldn't want to use that as the only means to know someone if it was a longterm thing, as seeing how you interact with them "live" can be important too....but maybe the e-mail thing is going the way of written letters?? People just don't have the patience anymore. They want it now now now. Quick quick quick. So we probably do end up with a lot more fairly meaningless interactions with people due to new technology. Don't get me wrong, it has its uses for sure...but I think it can be harmful too.

Here's another thing. What if you have talked one on one with several people in a chat and you like all of them and enjoy talking to them. Then you go in and they're all there at once wanting to PM you. If you're like me, and know full well you can't keep up with that, what do you do? I don't want to be rude or hurt anyone..and hey if it's people I like talking to then sure it would be great if I could divide myself seven ways and still have a decent conversation...but that's not possible. You have to make a choice and basically prioritize who you are going to put the more time into huh? It can get sticky....or perhaps just stay in main.
Maybe things could also be handled more like in person where you could try to schedule a certain time to talk to just the one person...Even then though, someone else is going to get upset probably. I don't know of anything that can be done to avoid that short of not participating at all.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to throw the computer out the window and it would be much better to have ONLY personal face to face interactions, etc. That would be ideal. On the other hand though, some of the people I've connected best with and share the most in common with, I have met online. I guess that tends to happen more when you live in a small place that doesn't really have much going as far as social gathering places and you're also basically a hermit.

I'm very interested in seeing what other responses come out of this thread.