How Often Does a Woman Expect a Man with a "Good Salary" to Actually Be Home?

[Lynx]

Sorry it took so long for me to respond, but I fell asleep twice reading the OP.
It's actually a very biblical question. Ephesians 5 speaks to redeeming the time. We all get 24 hours each day. What are we getting in return for it? As stewards, we are responsible to make good purchases with our time and to improve God's interests.
It's probably true we do better redeeming time at work than we do at marriage. No doubt because we apply the standard to work, but not to our partners. So it might prove profitable in relationships to try to quantify in some way just how much relationship we are actually receiving for time expended.
As far as money goes, I have always had enough. When I had only 1 child, I had enough. When I had 7, still enough. If I wanted something, I just asked. Sometimes it was provided; sometimes not. But I learned an important lesson about provision a long time ago...God will meet all your needs if you will let Him. He believes it's His job. 1 Peter 5:7...casting ALL your cares upon Him; for He careth for you. There's more here than many realize. It doesn't simply say that God has affection for us. He does, of course. But it also means He provides care to and for us. And the ALL seems to imply nothing is off limits. In return, He asks us to simply seek after His kingdom and His righteousness. It's the most incredible deal ever.
Most people do the reverse. They spend all their time doing what God has offered to do, and leave undone what He has asked us to do. And somehow we can't figure out what went wrong.
There is alot more to say on the subject, but I don't want you to fall asleep reading my post the way I did.
Also, if there are any typos, I would have fixed them but I only had 5 minutes and because the OP was so long I couldn't scroll down fast enough.

You had to try three times to get it all read, so you complain about the length three times in one post... I guess that's equitable.

It's tiktok, man. I been saying it for years, tiktok is wrecking our attention spans.

 

[Karlon]

As a longtime female member of the dating community, I often wonder if women who say they want a husband to provide for them and any children involved really know what they're in for. I'm guessing they're thinking of a man who can not only provide for everything, but also be home at 5 every day to help with dinner, watch over the kids as they do their homework, do some laundry and then help with all the household chores on the weekends.

From what I've seen (both in my family and others,) if he has the "high salary" they're looking for/demanding, they are going to find themselves in a much different situation. As I said, my Mom was pretty much a single mother at home, and I wonder if other women are emotionally prepared for this. Mom did everything because my parents certainly did not have the money for hired help, and I doubt my Mom would have allowed it even if they had (both my parents are extremely frugal.)

So when I read about women wanting to be stay-at-home mothers, I wonder if it means the same thing as it did when I was growing up.

My Mom took care of all the scheduling -- including reminding my dad of his own schedules -- transportation, appointments, activities, meals, laundry (I'm not sure my Dad knows how -- he can fix the machines, but I don't know if he knows how to sort the loads! ) helping with homework (after all, Dad was at work,) budgeting, bill-paying (Dad provided but Mom paid all the bills,) housework, cleaning, dishes, and yardwork.

Dad helped when he could, but it was my Mom who was out there every other day with the weed whacker, tractor, gas mower, and hedge trimmers. When I was an adult and had to get my own lawn mower, I knew I'd have to sharpen the blade after every mowing, because that's what my Mom did. I remember her up on ladders, cleaning out eavestroughs... raking the yard, several times over... clearing out the driveway with a shovel and snowblower... My Mom never sat down. She never watched TV, unless it was in the evenings with my Dad.

I just wonder if this is the life women who want to be stay-at-home moms are picturing, or know it will be like, when they ask for 6'2" men with iPhones and $150,000 salaries.

I could be totally wrong. Maybe I'm totally out of touch and the life of stay-at-home moms are completely different now.

But if I had to guess, I would think it's only gotten busier.


And for his part, my Dad, as I've often said, "has had every medical test known to man... at least 3 times, and then some." He's had multiple surgeries from years of hard manual labor and stress. He's at a point of needing another surgery or procedure almost every year, and we praise God for every year he's still mobile, because we don't know how long that will be. And my Mom has always tried her best to get him to live as healthily as possible, to keep him around as long as we can.


I determined in my heart long ago that if I found the right husband, I would value his health and safety above everything. I know life in general is neither healthy nor safe, but what I mean is, if my taking on some of the burden (working a regular job, etc.) so that he could have a lighter work load and less stress (and hopefully, a longer, healthier life,) then that would be my personal choice, hands down.

With all the demands singles seem to have today, do they realize they might also be contributing to the detriment of the spouse they so badly wish to have?

you speak as a wise Christian woman.

 

[seoulsearch]

you speak as a wise Christian woman.

I appreciate that, Karlon, thank you.

I don't see myself as wise, maybe just a little world-weary (as all of us become from living in the world.)

I do find your work as a landscaper quite fascinating, as I have a friend who is also in the landscaping business (both commercial and residential) and had many stories to tell. He works out in the hot Florida sun, often 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, sometimes 7, digging, lifting, and planting...

I enjoy reading about your work in the field because I think it really takes a God-given ability to be able to keep up with that kind of work.

Your story is a perfect example of why any Christian woman who wants to marry a hard-working man needs to prepare herself to be able to handle a lot in life by herself, because there's a good chance he's going to be out in the trenches (literally) for long hours during the week.

 

[seoulsearch]

Same here, my wife and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary in November. We also were married later in life at the age of 59 for the both of us.

I found your OP to be insightful and fascinating. Read the entire OP. Great stuff full of nuggets of wisdom.

Ah, Tourist. I'm so glad you've stayed with us through the years, even after you and your lovely wife got married.

We met you both here on the forum as singles and you've been kind enough to keep on supporting singles throughout all these years. Thank you for that. You never talk down to us or look at us as oddballs or lesser human beings for being single, probably because we all met on the same playing field. But even now, you never scold or belittle us into getting married, but always encourage us to stay open-minded. Seeing you post around the forum is always like running into an old friend.

I appreciate your time and attention so very much.

My threads obviously aren't for everyone, but for the few like you who do seem drawn to them (gasp, in their entirety,) I will be forever grateful.

Thank you so much again!

 

[notmyown]

I would really rather read responses from some Christians with successful marriages answer this question. How did they manage to juggle family time, spousal time, time for God, etc. on their family income (single income or combined)?


🦐

we found it to be the daily adjustment of expectations. or maybe abandoning expectations. kids don't stay little for long (although it can seem long, lol), so adjustments are always necessary.

be thankful for the things that go right, and the things that don't. learn what you can from both. don't take whatever circumstances feel like they're putting you in a vise out on each other.

mostly, remember God hears us, and loves us, and is faithful.

 

[notmyown]

6'2" men with iPhones and $150,000 salaries.

this made me chuckle. one of our daughters married a terrific guy who's taller than that, has TWO iPhones, and makes considerably more. they have 4 kids 9 and under, and she's pretty stressed a lot of the time. she's a stay at home mom, and they homeschool.

maybe some single women aren't close to a woman like my daughter? or aren't paying attention?

 

[Karlon]

I appreciate that, Karlon, thank you.

I don't see myself as wise, maybe just a little world-weary (as all of us become from living in the world.)

I do find your work as a landscaper quite fascinating, as I have a friend who is also in the landscaping business (both commercial and residential) and had many stories to tell. He works out in the hot Florida sun, often 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, sometimes 7, digging, lifting, and planting...

I enjoy reading about your work in the field because I think it really takes a God-given ability to be able to keep up with that kind of work.

Your story is a perfect example of why any Christian woman who wants to marry a hard-working man needs to prepare herself to be able to handle a lot in life by herself, because there's a good chance he's going to be out in the trenches (literally) for long hours during the week.

i thank you for your appreciation. the stories are endless. we all have "wacko" stories. here's a few: 1 time we were digging for an installation of conduit piping & i was the watchman. so i'm standing watching for safety purposes & all i did was just move a little bit. 2 seconds later, the backhoe scoop ricocheted a rock & it flew right pass my head. i actually felt the wind it created from it's force. if i had not moved, i think it would have killed me or suffered a very serious injury! another time, a guy hammered a nail half way thru his knee & spiked a tendon. he had just barely grazed the tendon the doctor said. so he was basically alright but had to take time off. enjoy the God given day seoulsearch.

 

[seoulsearch]

You had to try three times to get it all read, so you complain about the length three times in one post... I guess that's equitable.

It's tiktok, man. I been saying it for years, tiktok is wrecking our attention spans.

Lol. Back before TikTok, I read an article saying that everyone's reading capacity had been reduced to the maximum of 140 characters, thanks to Twitter (which obviously, I've never used. I mean, can you imagine???!!! I'd be a nightmare on a platform like that!!!)

Many years ago, we had a thread in which we all made posts impersonating another poster, and readers had to guess who everyone was pretending to be (this was when the forums were extremely active and we had at least 20+ regulars who posted in almost every thread.)

One of the most well-known members at the time wrote, "Guess who I am?" and then typed an entire page of nothing but the words, "Blah blah blah", over and over and over again. And everyone thought it was hilarious! I thought it was funny and laughed right along, but I do have to admit that it stung a little.

I treat this forum like an ongoing Singles Group, and that's why I keep writing threads. People have often told me I should write blogs and books, and I appreciate their kindness, but my goal is to get people talking to each other, and I couldn't do that with "regular" writing.

Years ago, a single guy wrote me and said he was extremely lonely, but that he would wake up everyday to check if I'd posted new threads. To him, they were genuine social interaction, and he said it was keeping him going from day to day. For us singles who have no one to talk to about our days, this might be the only chance we get.

Another time, I wrote a series of threads starting discussions about sexual abuse and how it will affect our future marriages. Back then, the chat rooms were open and I was just hanging out listening one night, as I often did. A young man, about 19, popped in, saying, "Yo Seoul, thanks for the threads," and when I said, "Thank you," he answered, "Peace," and immediately left. I had never seen him before (he hadn't posted in the forums at all,) and I've never seen him since.

I pour many, many hours into these threads, often working longer on them than I did for some of the papers I wrote in college. And God taught me, through this young man, that sometimes these threads are for people who never even answer, or make themselves known. Because of that, I always consider it worth the time, and is probably my most prominent current hobby.

Another young woman wrote me that she had been in an unhealthy relationship, but reading through the discussions in the threads helped her realize that this was not what God wanted for her, and she was going to make some changes.

And this is the very purpose of why I keep writing, and will keep doing so unless God says my time here has passed. It's an interesting thing to see the various criticisms over the years... "You don't use Scripture in every post -- you're not a real Christian." "You're divorced -- you don't belong in a Singles Forum." "I hate when you write frivolous threads -- keep them all serious. The silly threads just make you sound like you're an airhead." "I hate when you write serious threads -- people need light and funny."

And of course, the classic, number one thing I hear all the time, "You write too much. It was way too boring for me to actually read the whole thing."

But the funny thing is, this comment is ALWAYS from people who regularly answer the threads! So I guess what I have to say isn't important, but what they have to say is VERY important, because otherwise, why would they take the time to answer?

I've honestly tried shortening things up over the years. I don't use outlines, often just a few key concepts/examples I've been mulling around/praying about, sometimes for months. And then I just let it all go (while hoping to catch all the typos when I re-read things, but I always miss a few.) I've seen other posting styles in which people proclaim things, but never share anything about their own experiences. I've seen other cases in which people talk all about their experiences but never ask anything about anyone else. I can't relate to either one.

And so I'd like to think I fall somewhere in the middle, and yes, that takes... quite a bit more writing. I like using lighthearted topics to draw people in and make them feel comfortable. But I also write the serious topics because they are often questions I never heard talked about as I was growing up in church (and even now,) and i really wish they would be.

I'll soon be heading into my 15th anniversary here on CC, and I've always said, my threads most definitely aren't for everyone. They seem to only speak to a small minority of people whom God has given the gift of actually being able to read them, lol.

And for those who do, thank you, thank you, thank you.

You help me find one of my strongest God-given purposes -- to get people talking to each other, no matter how silly or how serious -- and I thank God for you.

(Love and hugs to you!!! Seoul)

 

[seoulsearch]

this made me chuckle. one of our daughters married a terrific guy who's taller than that, has TWO iPhones, and makes considerably more. they have 4 kids 9 and under, and she's pretty stressed a lot of the time. she's a stay at home mom, and they homeschool.

maybe some single women aren't close to a woman like my daughter? or aren't paying attention?

Ok, now THIS made me laugh out loud!!! Talk about an overachiever!!!

It made me think of an action movie, but instead of the guy pulling out duel pistols... The Ultimate Modern Man whips out his two iPhones.

May God bless your daughter and her family with peace.

Thank you so much for blessing us with this!!

 

[Lynx]

Lol. Back before TikTok, I read an article saying that everyone's reading capacity had been reduced to the maximum of 140 characters, thanks to Twitter (which obviously, I've never used. I mean, can you imagine???!!! I'd be a nightmare on a platform like that!!!)

Many years ago, we had a thread in which we all made posts impersonating another poster, and readers had to guess who everyone was pretending to be (this was when the forums were extremely active and we had at least 20+ regulars who posted in almost every thread.)

One of the most well-known members at the time wrote, "Guess who I am?" and then typed an entire page of nothing but the words, "Blah blah blah", over and over and over again. And everyone thought it was hilarious! I thought it was funny and laughed right along, but I do have to admit that it stung a little.

I treat this forum like an ongoing Singles Group, and that's why I keep writing threads. People have often told me I should write blogs and books, and I appreciate their kindness, but my goal is to get people talking to each other, and I couldn't do that with "regular" writing.

Years ago, a single guy wrote me and said he was extremely lonely, but that he would wake up everyday to check if I'd posted new threads. To him, they were genuine social interaction, and he said it was keeping him going from day to day. For us singles who have no one to talk to about our days, this might be the only chance we get.

Another time, I wrote a series of threads starting discussions about sexual abuse and how it will affect our future marriages. Back then, the chat rooms were open and I was just hanging out listening one night, as I often did. A young man, about 19, popped in, saying, "Yo Seoul, thanks for the threads," and when I said, "Thank you," he answered, "Peace," and immediately left. I had never seen him before (he hadn't posted in the forums at all,) and I've never seen him since.

I pour many, many hours into these threads, often working longer on them than I did for some of the papers I wrote in college. And God taught me, through this young man, that sometimes these threads are for people who never even answer, or make themselves known. Because of that, I always consider it worth the time, and is probably my most prominent current hobby.

Another young woman wrote me that she had been in an unhealthy relationship, but reading through the discussions in the threads helped her realize that this was not what God wanted for her, and she was going to make some changes.

And this is the very purpose of why I keep writing, and will keep doing so unless God says my time here has passed. It's an interesting thing to see the various criticisms over the years... "You don't use Scripture in every post -- you're not a real Christian." "You're divorced -- you don't belong in a Singles Forum." "I hate when you write frivolous threads -- keep them all serious. The silly threads just make you sound like you're an airhead." "I hate when you write serious threads -- people need light and funny."

And of course, the classic, number one thing I hear all the time, "You write too much. It was way too boring for me to actually read the whole thing."

But the funny thing is, this comment is ALWAYS from people who regularly answer the threads! So I guess what I have to say isn't important, but what they have to say is VERY important, because otherwise, why would they take the time to answer?

I've honestly tried shortening things up over the years. I don't use outlines, often just a few key concepts/examples I've been mulling around/praying about, sometimes for months. And then I just let it all go (while hoping to catch all the typos when I re-read things, but I always miss a few.) I've seen other posting styles in which people proclaim things, but never share anything about their own experiences. I've seen other cases in which people talk all about their experiences but never ask anything about anyone else. I can't relate to either one.

And so I'd like to think I fall somewhere in the middle, and yes, that takes... quite a bit more writing. I like using lighthearted topics to draw people in and make them feel comfortable. But I also write the serious topics because they are often questions I never heard talked about as I was growing up in church (and even now,) and i really wish they would be.

I'll soon be heading into my 15th anniversary here on CC, and I've always said, my threads most definitely aren't for everyone. They seem to only speak to a small minority of people whom God has given the gift of actually being able to read them, lol.

And for those who do, thank you, thank you, thank you.

You help me find one of my strongest God-given purposes -- to get people talking to each other, no matter how silly or how serious -- and I thank God for you.

(Love and hugs to you!!! Seoul)

Too long. Didn't read.

I would explain, but... Gotta keep this short. Don't want people drifting off when they try to read my posts.

 

[Lynx]

Complaining about twitter is so retro. Now we complain about tiktok. Get with the times seoul.

But you know...

 

[Lynx]

You could just make a LOT of twitter posts...

 

[Lynx]

And say the same thing, and still...

 

[Lynx]

Stay under the character limit.

 

[Cameron143]

People have complained about my threads being too long since I started writing them in 2009.

As Karlon said, he didn't even bother reading it all.

And yes, ironically, not only do they answer, but they also often write their own lengthy post, sometimes almost as long as the OP. So I guess what they find most important is their own answer.

Otherwise, why bother even answering if the opening post is so dreadfully long, boring, and such a chore to get through?

I was just teasing you because I hadn't done so in a while. And I didn't want @Gojira to have all the fun.

 

[Cameron143]

You had to try three times to get it all read, so you complain about the length three times in one post... I guess that's equitable.

It's tiktok, man. I been saying it for years, tiktok is wrecking our attention spans.

Actually, I hadn't teased in awhile. That's all I was really doing. She actually gave a very thoughtful and informative post as she always does. But that's just not as fun to write.

 

[seoulsearch]

Complaining about twitter is so retro. Now we complain about tiktok. Get with the times seoul.

But you know...

You could just make a LOT of twitter posts...

And say the same thing, and still...

Stay under the character limit.

That's exactly what I do with friends who keep in touch via text and Skype.

I'll get a reply from them in the morning saying, "So. I woke up to 132 unread messages... Guess you couldn't sleep last night?!"

 

[Lanolin]

Seoul that was my thoughts too

Those women expect everything just because their parents might have done it doesnt mean they will be able to or know the true cost of it. Workaholic parents arent so wonderful, it might work for daughters to have stay at home mum (and how long for. For the rest of their lives? Or just till they off at school?) but what about sons actually needing their dads to even be around?

Mompreneurs dont last, when children are grown. Children dont stay babies forever.

Stay at home does mean basically solo parenting if your husband is away at work a lot. Billy Grahams children knew that! The other is that many mums are now parenting children with special needs.

It used to be very wealthy parents just had nannies, then sent their children to boarding school so they never actually had to do any parenting apart from picking their children up and putting them to bed. Then they would go off on resort type holidays and leave their children behind. ?!

Extremely wealthy husbands who thought it a shame to ever ALLOW their wife to 'work' then wondered why their wives would soon grow bored and stray. I have seen many divorces over men who were tied to their work so that they never even got to appeciate their wives.

I worked in a school where the principals children also went to the same school. Imagine having your parent be the principal. Or your parent the teacher, so you go to school and theres mum and dad. These children do have certain advantages over others though I never thought much about nepotism in schools but certainly theres politics there too. You never know if these children have the grades or priveliges simply because their parents are able to pull strings.

The reality is that if your husband has high salary hes going to be exhausted and not much fun to be around because working is a big stress, not just providing for family some men also are also expected to provide to THEIR parents as well. If not financially they will also be expected to care or at least visit them when they age.

 

[seoulsearch]

I was just teasing you because I hadn't done so in a while. And I didn't want @Gojira to have all the fun.

Actually, I hadn't teased in awhile. That's all I was really doing. She actually gave a very thoughtful and informative post as she always does. But that's just not as fun to write.

Thank you for your grace in allowing me to write out my (usual) long replies, Cameron. I appreciate your insightful posts, and they are filled with wisdom and one of the sharpest senses of wit I've ever seen in my time here.

I hope I don't sound like someone who can't take a joke.

It's just that after all this time, it's kind of like the person who has a large, impossible-not-to-notice mole on their face and people are constantly telling them/joking about it. (Makes me think of a scene from one of the Austin Power's movies.)

The only thing you can say after a while is, "Yes, I know I have a mole on my face. No, I'm not having it removed and no, it's not going away, so there are two choices -- either don't look (impossible, I know, right?) or avoid me altogether."

It does make me laugh to think that many of the people who have gave serious criticisms probably thought I was a flash in the pan that would leave after a few months.

15 years later, I'm still putting people to sleep!!!

Yep. I'm just THAT petty.

 

[Lynx]

Actually, I hadn't teased in awhile. That's all I was really doing. She actually gave a very thoughtful and informative post as she always does. But that's just not as fun to write.

I thought you were being serious. I did think it was a bit out of character for you though.

Use a or something, give a brother a clue.