How to scare a legalist in 10 easy steps

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ServantStrike

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2013
3,461
56
0
#1
There may be more than ten steps.

Ladies and gentlemen, we need an exhaustive list of the things we need to do to keep legalists away.

For the ladies:
Wear Earrings
Wear Lipstick
Leave your head uncovered
Read your bible
Have a difference of opinion

For the men:
Read your bible
Respect women
Tip more than 15 percent
Tell a woman she was right (about any thing)
Beat your wife.... to the sink.... and do the dishes
 
S

skylove7

Guest
#2
Blame the skirt?
 

mailmandan

Senior Member
Apr 7, 2014
21,593
10,344
113
55
#3
For the ladies:
Wear pants instead of a long dress
Show your tattoos
Don't act like the Stepford Wives

For the men:
Wear shorts and a T-Shirt instead of a Suit
Show your tattoos
Live truth more than you lecture
 
S

skylove7

Guest
#5
Lol...Im unsure SS.
I don't know any in person.
My friends love my heart...accepting that I am not perfection

Hey I can't complain about that lol
 

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
May 17, 2015
2,400
1,080
113
#6
For the women:

Work outside the home (granted, this may not be suitable for everyone)
Don't always have a meal prepared on the table
Sit in your husband's chair
Use the remote control

For the men:

Wear jeans to the office on casual Fridays
Change your kids' diapers
Do laundry
Offer to cook dinner
Break out the vacuum cleaner
Iron your own clothes

For everyone

Read any translation of the Bible besides the KJV (caveat: I like the KJV, but don't think it's the ONLY true translation)
Skip going to church to watch your kids play a sport
Skip church because you're sick
Listen to rock & roll music
Watch "edgy" TV shows and movies
Drink wine and/or beer
Smoke
Tell church/pastor jokes

(Ok I'm done, gotta leave some for others!)
 
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
410
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#7
Pray for strangers in public.
Take homeless bums to the local restaurant.
Bring the Legalist to my church services.
 
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
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#9
Aside from showing my tattoos (yes, I have more than one)... and the whole kid thing? I do all of these things! I'm a legalist's nightmare.
 
S

skylove7

Guest
#11
I think my biggest issue

Is the ones that...if they are attracted to a woman
It is all 'our' fault

Its like pardon me I should repent because all I did was get the mail...and its my fault your mind is in the gutter lol
Its ridiculous and foolish

I dont know how to scare them
Lol I dont know any

Hot pink lipstick perhaps?
Lol...I can't say I care if they like me or not
 

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
May 17, 2015
2,400
1,080
113
#12
When I see an attractive woman, I don't think to myself "it's your fault that I wanted to take a look at you".

I don't have to look, but I choose to.

(No, this is not to get brownie points from the ladies; it's how I roll regardless). :D
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#13
Dr. Steve Brule says:

 

CatHerder

Senior Member
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
78
48
#14
10. Start each sentence off with "Well, the Living Bible says..."

9. Teach the pastor's wife how to salsa dance in the church lobby right after the service.

8. Arrange a Dixieland version of a favorite hymn and the musicians play it during the service (I did this with "At the Cross.")

7. If you are a man, ask for a woman's opinion on a spiritual matter.

6. If you are a woman, ride your motorcycle to church.

5. Be over 30 and content with being single for the time being.

4. If you are a woman and asked to help in the nursery, politely decline.

3. Raise your hands while praising God.

2. If you are a man, make a dish for one of the members who is a shut-in or seriously ill.

1. Mention that you cooked with wine when making the dish and that you nipped a bit during the process.
 

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
58
48
#15
3. Raise your hands while praising God.
Unless one has smelly armpits or excessive armpit hair, why would the legalists have a problem with that? :confused:

Here are some from my list -

1. Hold the door open for a woman and let her walk in first.
2. While ordering at a restaurant, let the woman order first before you do.
3. Get a tattoo (you don't have to flaunt it if it is in one-of-those-places-which-shall-not-be-named-here)
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,976
3,205
113
#16
I'm not sure if these ideas actually count but here are some things I can contribute from my own life (I posted a few of these in another thread as well):

1. Show off your (mother's) tattoo. Yup. Your 95-lb., always-at-church, only-heard-her-say-the-"d"-word-twice-in-her-life-if-that-counts-as-swearing mother. I don't have any tattoos. When my Mom was 50, she, my Dad, brother, and his girlfriend walked into a tattoo parlor while on vacation. Of the 4 of them, only my Mom walked out with an actual tattoo.

I was talking to someone at work about it at the time and he said that when he had GOTTEN a tattoo, his parents kicked him out... and here my mother had just gotten one. It's a sad thing when your mother is cooler than you are.

2. Point out that your father became an ordained pastor in his late 50's. My Dad had always wanted to be a pastor but got called into the business world instead (which I'm sure every legalist will say is worthy of a punishment all its own.) My Grandma (his mom) always told him, "Well it's too late now, you're too old." I always told him, "It's a good thing Grandma isn't God."

And I always thank him for waiting until I was an adult to become a pastor. I would have made a terrible pastor's kid--straight out of the depths of hell, I'm sure.

3. Start reading your Bible in order to be prepared--to argue with legalists and "let-me-recite-to-you-every-possible-Christian-cliche-there-is-instead-of-actually-getting-to-know-you" member in your own church. Question everything your teachers and mentors tell you, and have that be the sole motivation for beginning to study the Bible as a kid.

"God will NEVER leave you!"

"What? Are you kidding me What about this... It says right here... God LEFT Hezekiah... in order to test everything that was in his heart. Are you actually reading the same Bible?"

Boy, I bet you all would have loved having me in your Sunday school classes. (Actually, I once said a bad word during class long before I even knew it was a bad word. I think the teacher was about ready to put her head down and cry.)

4. Own enough makeup (I score a lot of free samples and gifts-with-purchase with my sensitive-skin creams) to make a drag queen jealous but wear so little of it that men comment on the fact that you never wear makeup (true story, even at work) and women tell you that if you "just wore a little makeup", you'd look better... and maybe even catch a man (yet another true sad story in the life of Seoulsearch.)

5. Enjoy designing and making jewelry... but never wear it yourself... and instead, give it all away as souvenir tokens of their "Going Directly To Hell" status.

After all, it's better for everyone ELSE to go to hell rather than you!

6. Write threads and posts on CC, especially about your everyday life and as if you're just here hanging out with your friends.

You'll always have at least one helpful, loving, Godly legalist popping in and telling you that you're wasting time that could be spend on other "God-worthy" things... such as roasting away like a chicken over the eternal flames, of course!
 

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
58
48
#17
Did someone say "roasted chicken"?

*drools*
 

ServantStrike

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2013
3,461
56
0
#18
Did someone say "roasted chicken"?

*drools*
Oh man, and it's totally good for one's diet! How's the lifting bro?

Oh we forgot one!

Guys, if you're a lifter, flex your muscles. It's highly immodest! Don't forget to pant, scream, and sweat like a madman while working out too.
 

mailmandan

Senior Member
Apr 7, 2014
21,593
10,344
113
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#19
Tell a legalist how well your children are doing in public school.
Invite a legalist to the movie theater.
Invite a legalist to a pool party.

image024.png
 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
20
38
#20
This is exactly the epitome of a pastor's kid. Or at least that's what everyone claims. Personally, I disagree. I think every pastor's kids are little angels. :D


And I always thank him for waiting until I was an adult to become a pastor. I would have made a terrible pastor's kid--straight out of the depths of hell, I'm sure.