Is it healthy to feel this way?

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ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
6,194
1,311
113
30
Arizona
#1
Is it bad that at this point I’ve given up a bit on finding a relationship? Like I’m fine with the idea but I’m not really actively looking for it.

I’m on dating sites but I like highly doubt anything will happen. Most guys I see are out of state...I’m too heavy. I’m not what guys are looking for, even guys similar to my size. I go through thousands of guys in lists going “he won’t like me, he won’t like me, he won’t like me.”


Am I...am I depressed?
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
17,267
4,311
113
#2
Yay! When you stop caring about finding a spouse you can finally start doing all those things you have been waiting for a spouse for! Go out to eat solo, go to Disney or Six Flags by yourself, go see Niagara Falls or Washington D.C. or whatever you have always dreamed of doing, but held off on until you got married... now you can do it anyway! :D :D :D

Even if it is just going roller skating or bowling or to watch a movie at a theater... (do they still have theaters these days, or has Netflix shut them down?) Anyway, go out there and do it now. :cool:
 

17Bees

Senior Member
Oct 14, 2016
1,067
626
113
#3
What are you looking for, Artsie Steph? Frankly, I think your search is secondary. I think a new relationship is not as important to you as you may think. I think you have gone through a lot these past years and it could be you mistake or even equate love for loss.

They're not same, but the search for closure on both feel the same.

I lost my dad and one of the last things I eventually succeeded in understanding is also the last stage of grief - it was acceptance. It didn't really mean I accepted the finality of the death of my dad, it also meant the acknowledgement - the approval - of my own self. I also had to love myself despite my weaknesss I know all too well.

So, maybe the love you seek is for yourself. Impossible to find on a dating site, hard to find in your heart. Acceptance maybe, but not depression. Not you.
 

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
6,194
1,311
113
30
Arizona
#4
I honestly have always had issues with accepting myself. I have always had issues with loving myself. Sadly I think that may be a bit issue with my taking care of myself... I don’t care. I mean I do care that I get horrible diseases, but I don’t care really what happens to me health wise. I just live. And that is obviously a big BIG deal. Sadly I think at the core of me is a person going “no one is going to look far enough past my looks to see me anyway.” It also in a weird way is a protection cloak. It MAKES people have to be willing to dig deeper to see the real me. Only nice people would see past my girth right? Um no...

Yeesh. I got some deep issues don’t I?
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,667
1,758
113
#5
Is it bad that at this point I’ve given up a bit on finding a relationship? Like I’m fine with the idea but I’m not really actively looking for it.

I’m on dating sites but I like highly doubt anything will happen. Most guys I see are out of state...I’m too heavy. I’m not what guys are looking for, even guys similar to my size. I go through thousands of guys in lists going “he won’t like me, he won’t like me, he won’t like me.”


Am I...am I depressed?
Nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship in and of itself. Do you feel like you're somehow less without a relationship? For me it's kind of always been one of those things, I've shrugged off as not part of my life, and promptly got on with the things that were part of my life. I've never even bothered with any dating sites so it's pretty much down to God can work a romantic miracle or I can just keep rocking the single life best I know how.

Though there is one new relationship I'm very much looking forward to..... I just bought a new La-Z-Boy recliner and it's getting delivered Wednesday so I'm hoping that will be the start of a new and very comfortable relationship. I think we'll read books and watch movies together. Occasionally there may be some sleeping involved as well.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,543
2,110
113
#6
Is it bad that at this point I’ve given up a bit on finding a relationship? Like I’m fine with the idea but I’m not really actively looking for it.

I’m on dating sites but I like highly doubt anything will happen. Most guys I see are out of state...I’m too heavy. I’m not what guys are looking for, even guys similar to my size. I go through thousands of guys in lists going “he won’t like me, he won’t like me, he won’t like me.”


Am I...am I depressed?
So you think for other people and decide FOR them that they are not interested, never giving others to decide for themselves. Then get discouraged that no one's interested.

Funny how caught up people are about looks when finding someone. Look around. Most married people are not highly attractive. They're just regular people.

It sounds to me like you remove every chance of finding someone so you don't have to worry about being rejected. If they never get the chance, then you never get rejected. But yet you act as if things are done To you, and not By you.
It's all backwards.
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,987
320
83
#7
I honestly have always had issues with accepting myself. I have always had issues with loving myself. Sadly I think that may be a bit issue with my taking care of myself... I don’t care. I mean I do care that I get horrible diseases, but I don’t care really what happens to me health wise. I just live. And that is obviously a big BIG deal. Sadly I think at the core of me is a person going “no one is going to look far enough past my looks to see me anyway.” It also in a weird way is a protection cloak. It MAKES people have to be willing to dig deeper to see the real me. Only nice people would see past my girth right? Um no...

Yeesh. I got some deep issues don’t I?
Your partly correct, people generally react to the shallow description of yourself and outward appearance. They only get to know the deeper side of your personality later, that's what dating is for. All you can do is make yourself available and project a positive attitude. Most singles are looking for someone compatible that they can get along with. If you can't find that person, its better to stay single than be miserable.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
10,700
3,879
113
#8
Its unhealthy to be obssessed with yourself and your status. Whether you are single or married.

Focus on Jesus and your relationship with Him. He loves you and if you dont know then you aboslutely need to know this. Cos its the truth.
 

SoulWeaver

Senior Member
Oct 25, 2014
4,891
2,528
113
#9
I'll second what Lanolin said. You must make healing yourself the priority, and only Jesus can lead you in that area. Anytime I tried to take the quick path and not cleanse the house, I got nowhere. The problem transferred into other relationships (even though this is totally unintentional). I used to hate myself pretty actively. That couldn't be solved by friendship (or even marriage). I was expecting other people to "fix" it and make me feel Ok about myself. It does not work, you can't accept it from them they can't help even when they try because you do not accept it on the inside. When not worked out, low self esteem puts you in kneejerk mode, and it can deal real damage to relationships you cherish (and not even only romantic ones). It will constantly make you assume and "fill in" what you think someone thinks or intends, etc.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,728
113
Texas
#10
In our culture and maybe for all humanity, but definitely Western culture what you are experiencing is normal. The problem is that our sin nature takes everything normal to an unhealthy level.
I'll never understand the obsession with having to be in a relationship. Don't get me wrong I did it too; when I was young, but I still fail to understand. The ironic part is that a person isn't ever a good relationship partner until they are good with themselves first. When someone is content and happy and living their life they make a better partner.
The other thing is, the online dating; searching for a partner... I think a person who is interesting finds a partner more easily. So wouldn't it be better to have an interest or hobby and find someone while in pursuit of the interest/hobby?
I think if I were single I would just be involved in the things I like to do, like riding horses, and survival, bush craft stuff, and black powder shooting. I would be at all the trail rides, rendezvous, and shooting matches. I wouldn't give a hoot of I ever meet someone and sure enough I would draw the eye of someone.
So your screen name starts with "artsie" wouldn't it be better for you to be at craft shows and fairs? Making your art and trading and selling and teaching your craft? Because then someone would see you and love who you are and what you do, and would rather be around the interesting person that you are. You say you are "too heavy" I don't know what that means, but I think someone who sees a super interesting person full of talent and zeal would not care about heavyness.
I married a "chubby" girl because I love the who she is, because she is a creative artist type, untethered by the pretense of formal art education.
 

Ruby123

Well-known member
Mar 1, 2019
5,964
4,650
113
#11
Hi ArtsieSteph,
I would just put the guys aside and work on yourself first. That's what I am doing. Find out what God wants you to be doing with your life (if you don't already know). Change the things you are unhappy about in your life. You mentioned that you felt like you had weight. Go for walks listening to podcasts, improve your eating habits. Just list the things you would like to change in your life and slowly tackle them one by one. Your confidence will grow and your mood will improve.
 

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
6,194
1,311
113
30
Arizona
#12
Thanks guys. In reaction to some of your responses: I actually am 330lbs right now so being concerned about my outward appearance is a bit more in the front and center than others 🤣

I guess my real was concern was the apathy. Not so much that I wasn’t “actively seeking” a relationship, but more that I just didn’t care. That to me was a bit worrisome because I usually don’t have that.
 

JesusLives

Senior Member
Oct 11, 2013
14,016
1,766
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#13
I get where you are coming from as I am much heavier than you are and a strong independent woman. Not the kind of woman most men are looking for and I was single for 35 years after getting divorced at 24. I thought I would die alone and no one would want to be with me and frankly got to the point where I wasn't looking for a relationship at all.

I didn't know what to pray for in a relationship area so my prayers would be - God I don't know what to pray for - so I left it with him. You know that my story has a happy ending as Tourist took notice and we ended up together. However, it was after I had spent some quality time with God and got to know myself better and grew up bunches to where I am a much better partner than I was my first marriage. I learned to accept that both of us would be flawed people and that I would not be able to change him to suit my wants.

So yes dear Steph there are men out there that will accept you for who you are you just have to be patient and let God do his work on you and your future partner and trust that God will do what is best for you. Be available though and willing to take a chance now and then. Don't assume that no one will want you because that really is not a correct assumption.

If you end up with or without a partner know that God always loves you and wants the best for you. He knows your desires probably better than we know ourselves and will answer prayers you don't even know how to pray. Keep your chin up and learn to love yourself as God loves you.
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
6,199
6,771
113
#14
Artsie, dear sis, I can not add much to what everyone has already said, so I piggy back the wisdom shared.

I will say...

I understand yearning for someone, but have experienced finding someone, a long while ago, didn't ease the restless yearning. I so desperately wanted his love and it was never quenched because I was looking to him to confirm I am worthy and lovable. Unfortunately, it became quite a toxic relationship, for me and for him.

We both were forcing and expecting from humans what is to be from God. I'm not saying human connection and companionship has no value, that a Christ centered relation is Not a huge blessing. I can only imagine. It may never be for me, but for you, perhaps...

From what I see here, you have a huge smile that you got from your mama, and heart that matches. What you offer is so much, and your gift of creativity is one that would bless a partner greatly. You are a precious child of God.


so what do we/you do in the meantime if it is to be God's will. How do you wait...

I encourage for us all to develop more and more intimacy with the grace of God, knowing and trusting what He has for us is what is best.

I find much settled comfort in time spent with our Heavenly Father. We are already connected to the love of eternity.
 

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2009
23,937
3,615
113
#15
Is it bad that at this point I’ve given up a bit on finding a relationship? Like I’m fine with the idea but I’m not really actively looking for it.

I’m on dating sites but I like highly doubt anything will happen. Most guys I see are out of state...I’m too heavy. I’m not what guys are looking for, even guys similar to my size. I go through thousands of guys in lists going “he won’t like me, he won’t like me, he won’t like me.”


Am I...am I depressed?

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:


A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

(Ecclessiasted 3:1-5 KJV)

 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
34,284
11,957
113
66
Tennessee
#16
Is it bad that at this point I’ve given up a bit on finding a relationship? Like I’m fine with the idea but I’m not really actively looking for it.

I’m on dating sites but I like highly doubt anything will happen. Most guys I see are out of state...I’m too heavy. I’m not what guys are looking for, even guys similar to my size. I go through thousands of guys in lists going “he won’t like me, he won’t like me, he won’t like me.”


Am I...am I depressed?
I don't see how a potential spouse currently living in another state to be an issue at all if the guy has the wherewithal to pursue, maintain and grow a loving enduring relationship. He can either bring you to him or go to where you are depending on the circumstances.

Another thing, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. A woman with a beautiful heart will have that inner beauty transcend to her outer beauty as well. Who cares what guys are looking for, all that matters is what that certain special one of your heart's desire is looking for, and for what you are looking for as well. Guys that may not like you is not the same as that certain guy that may love you.

Oh yeah, I get that depressed part as well. The depression will only worsen if you chose to remain passive out of fear of the unknown and allow the years to pass by without even trying. A cure for depression is positive resolve to move boldly forward even if it is only for a small and seemingly trivial mundane thing. Inaction equals lethargy, action equals energy.

I know that the outside world can be a scary place and that is why I pray each morning before I go to work for God to calm my fears, remove my anxiety and to give me the strength and courage to get through the day accomplishing the work that my Heavenly Father has prepared for me beforehand. And what He starts in me He is certainly capable of finishing. This is true for you as well.

Regarding a potential spouse, He may be preparing this man of your heart's desire beforehand as well. It will still be up to you to step out in faith if an opportunity should arise and take bold decisive action. This may happen sooner rather than later so take the time to do what you can, through the grace of God to prepare.

Yes you are depressed for that is a choice that you have made. God has a better option for you if you can allow yourself to trust in Him in all things. I know from experience that this is easier said than done but all good things are possible for God for He wants us to have life and to have it more abundantly.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
34,284
11,957
113
66
Tennessee
#17
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

(Ecclessiasted 3:1-5 KJV)

This verse is a favorite of mine. I love that book as I can relate to the author as I suffer from depression and anxiety as well.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
34,284
11,957
113
66
Tennessee
#18
So you think for other people and decide FOR them that they are not interested, never giving others to decide for themselves. Then get discouraged that no one's interested.

Funny how caught up people are about looks when finding someone. Look around. Most married people are not highly attractive. They're just regular people.

It sounds to me like you remove every chance of finding someone so you don't have to worry about being rejected. If they never get the chance, then you never get rejected. But yet you act as if things are done To you, and not By you.
It's all backwards.
I concur with your estimation.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#19
Is it bad that at this point I’ve given up a bit on finding a relationship? Like I’m fine with the idea but I’m not really actively looking for it.

I’m on dating sites but I like highly doubt anything will happen. Most guys I see are out of state...I’m too heavy. I’m not what guys are looking for, even guys similar to my size. I go through thousands of guys in lists going “he won’t like me, he won’t like me, he won’t like me.”


Am I...am I depressed?

Steph you are an amazing person.
You’ve had to go through a lot and you were pushed in the deep end.
Things like that take time to get over.

Be gentle and kind to yourself. Make a list of the things you would like to do, both in terms of your own health, your own well being, job wise, hobbies, include where you want to be spiritually too.

Then pray about them and as things come to mind about how you can achieve them. Pray again and again.

Jot down ideas as they come to you.

Then...,

Start a separate list about the things you think God wants for you. That list might take some time. In fact both lists may take some time to compile.

Maybe share a few things with trusted friends and people at church.

Sometimes we can fall into the trap of thinking other people will make us better including potential boyfriends/husbands etc.

Ultimately we may need some friendly help along the way but the reality is that it’s got to start with us and God.

If you think you might be depressed then see your doctor too. There are various depression tests on line where you can test yourself.

But never loose sight of how beautiful and precious you are. You have so much potential and talents. Your drawings are amazing. You are a strong person, a deep thinker and I don’t even know you that well. But all these things come across. ❤️
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
34,284
11,957
113
66
Tennessee
#20
Yay! When you stop caring about finding a spouse you can finally start doing all those things you have been waiting for a spouse for! Go out to eat solo, go to Disney or Six Flags by yourself, go see Niagara Falls or Washington D.C. or whatever you have always dreamed of doing, but held off on until you got married... now you can do it anyway! :D:D:D

Even if it is just going roller skating or bowling or to watch a movie at a theater... (do they still have theaters these days, or has Netflix shut them down?) Anyway, go out there and do it now. :cool:
Niagara Falls is a popular destination for newlyweds on their honeymoon. I have been there twice but not for any honeymoon. I am more of a Las Vegas guy at the moment. Right now I'm trending towards Reno.