marital idolotry and extremism

[gypsygirl]

i've long observed that lots of singles seem to turn marriage into some "achievement" or accomplishment that is made to mean something that represents far more than it should ever be. not unlike an idol, hoisted upon this gilded platform, such as a milestone for which one's life can "begin", and begin to fulfill all those plans and dreams they've been saving for after this "achievement".

it deeply saddens me when i read posts from people (usually women) lamenting about their biological clocks, and how they are struggling with the bitter disappointment that their lives aren't "on track" for what they imagined for themselves. it's like they're stuck and they can't see what they have or what could come from another path or timeline.

on the other hand, i can certainly relate to becoming jaded and allowing your pessimism to permeate your attitude and actions, especially after you find yourself living a life that you hadn't expected for yourself.

i came across this simple article that i thought was worth sharing. it addresses two extremes of a similar problem.

two mistakes singles make

are you guilty of either of these mistakes?

do you have any thoughts about how one overcomes such pitfalls?

 

[BugeyeSTi]

I"m guilty of demonizing marriage...

Remember when I posted in the thread this in a thread? "I'm too selfish to deeply care and nurture about another person at this point in my life"

Well, it's true, like seriously true. I care more about my cars/hobbies than I do about any potential relationship. It basically boils down to the fact that they don't bother me, I don't ever have to spend any time with them if I don't want to, and I never have any deep discussions. To be honest the description in the article is pretty spot on: "You don’t want to be in a relationship because for you, it sounds like a prison sentence. Your greatest joy is being alone. You like your freedom and don’t want anyone else to encroach upon your life because you’d be forced to consider them, accommodate them, or serve them." I haven't always had this view of marriage, previously I always wanted to get married. Nowadays, not so much, maybe later. I just don't want all the hassles and troubles that come with having a serious relationship in my life. I have enough problems on my own without adding to them.


And if you feel so inclined, go ahead an call me immature/a jerk/stupid, or that there are good women out there waiting for me to grow up, I honestly don't care. My life is the way I like it right now, so I don't see any reason to change it. I've seen the heartache and messes that relationships can cause so for now I will stay clear of that "mess".

 

[Raine]

I think I have been guilty of both at one point or another.

Now I can say that I believe I have a much better and realistic perspective of marriage. I realize that it takes hard work but I also see that when two people are committed to God and their marriage, something so beautiful can come from it. God didn't simply create marriage so that our desires and pleasures will be met. I believe that God created marriage to help teach some of us what He is like... Marriage can teach you many things, not saying that marriage is the only way to learn these things but it presents these challenges to us and helps us grow. Marriage can teach you humbleness, self control, giving unconditional love, forgiveness... It allows you to see how much God loves you when you, yourself, are called to love another human being in the same way.

Once in a while I find myself lonely... But God comforts me and helps me not to focus on my lack, but to focus on what I have... Which is everything, because I already have Jesus. My first love!

 

[Ella85]

I liked that article thanks Gypsygirl -

Ending up in a marriage for all the wrong reasons only leads to disappointment.
I was lucky enough to get out before it was too late.

It's funny when you actually step out of it do you realise how independent you can actually be and how much closer to God you can grow.

Actually, sky is the limit.

New opportunities and interests come to fruition....

Being lonely is something that doesn't come to mind when you are happy within yourself.

Funnily enough, being in an unhappy relationship is when you are the MOST lonely.
When your needs are not being met, you feel a sense of loss.

Although being single there is no expectations

 

[Oncefallen]

And if you feel so inclined, go ahead an call me immature/a jerk/stupid, or that there are good women out there waiting for me to grow up, I honestly don't care. My life is the way I like it right now, so I don't see any reason to change it. I've seen the heartache and messes that relationships can cause so for now I will stay clear of that "mess".

I think your last sentence sums up your situation rather well.

 

[Fenner]

I think I was a person who idolized marriage. I was brought up in a very traditional American home, parents married, had children , Dad worked, Mom at home. When I was a little girl I wanted this perfect life, like the Leave It To Beaver life. Leave It To Beaver was a tv show in the fifties for those who didn't know. I think my family resembled the Waltons a bit, but with more arguing and some alcoholism thrown in. I am the youngest of 6, when I was a kid I was protected from a lot of the stuff that went on in my family. My Dad was I think bi polar, two of m y brother's had drinking problems and my Mom had some other stuff going on.

I had my own idea of what marriage and children would be like. I love my own little family, I feel extremely blessed. At first though it was pretty tough adjustment. My husband and I argued a lot the first year. Then a few years later kids came, it was quite a shock at first. People tell you things come natural. Sort of true, but no sleep and colic isn't natural. Having a toddler who got into the habit of pulling out my hair and eating it and almost getting hairballs isn't natural, having one income then losing it, having a car repossessed in the middle of the night, isn't natural. Having a child throw a tantrum in Wal-Mart over a toy, then run out the door with the toy, chasing him down in the parking lot, making him bring it back, then having the Wal-Mart greeter say, you shouldn't let him do that, isn't natural. Having same child eat pennies, and having to check poop for a week, isn't natural.

We got through all of that and I can look back and laugh, but it's work and can be very mentally draining, it's not that dream I saw on TV , but it's still pretty great.

 

[tourist]

I think I was a person who idolized marriage. I was brought up in a very traditional American home, parents married, had children , Dad worked, Mom at home. When I was a little girl I wanted this perfect life, like the Leave It To Beaver life. Leave It To Beaver was a tv show in the fifties for those who didn't know. I think my family resembled the Waltons a bit, but with more arguing and some alcoholism thrown in. I am the youngest of 6, when I was a kid I was protected from a lot of the stuff that went on in my family. My Dad was I think bi polar, two of m y brother's had drinking problems and my Mom had some other stuff going on.

I had my own idea of what marriage and children would be like. I love my own little family, I feel extremely blessed. At first though it was pretty tough adjustment. My husband and I argued a lot the first year. Then a few years later kids came, it was quite a shock at first. People tell you things come natural. Sort of true, but no sleep and colic isn't natural. Having a toddler who got into the habit of pulling out my hair and eating it and almost getting hairballs isn't natural, having one income then losing it, having a car repossessed in the middle of the night, isn't natural. Having a child throw a tantrum in Wal-Mart over a toy, then run out the door with the toy, chasing him down in the parking lot, making him bring it back, then having the Wal-Mart greeter say, you shouldn't let him do that, isn't natural. Having same child eat pennies, and having to check poop for a week, isn't natural.

We got through all of that and I can look back and laugh, but it's work and can be very mentally draining, it's not that dream I saw on TV , but it's still pretty great.

Thank you for sharing your story. I was the second oldest of 6. Your childhood home life sounds like mine. I agree with your last sentence exactly. I was married to a wonderful woman in my second marriage but it was definitely a lot of work. I do not regret one day of it and it was the best decision I ever made in getting married for the second time. My years with my late wife were the hardest but also the most satisfying. I miss her a lot. She was a wonderful woman.

 

[Seekeroflife03]

I am single and perfectly content in being so. Society says that you must do this or you must do that to fit in. And if you are single, well there must be something wrong with you. You must be selfish or not loving. I hear Christians say that God has a woman for every man or vise versa. That is not at all what the bible teaches. It is completely up to the individual to choose whether to marry or not. In fact Paul wrote as long as a person can abstain from lust it's better not to marry for the sake of the kingdom of God. But it's also not a sin to marry. Marriage is of God.

Many of God's children throughout history have not married. Perhaps one day I will marry if God wants me to, but my wife must be from Him. I'm not going to go out and get married just because I feel lonely,(which I don't, the intimacy with the Holy Spirit causes me to be content), or just to fit in so I don't stand out from everyone else for being different. I used to be bothered by not having someone, and I found myself searching. And I found in searching I just grieved the Holy Spirit because I took my eyes off of Christ. I've now settled it in my heart to seek first the kingdom of God, and all it's righteousness, just as the bible says. And then everything else will fall in place according to God's will.

 

[Seekeroflife03]

House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14

 

[Desdichado]

I think a lot of the reason why people idolize marriage has to do with the fact that the Western world generally speaking doesn't view marriage and family highly enough.

Those who idolize it go to far in the opposite direction.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

I think i'm prone to mistake no2 because of my parent's miserable marriage. But i know that the saying history repeats itself is not necessarily true. God's will is the ultimate and the only way to go. Whatever is that, im fine with it. Now im trying to live a happy single life because i believe that if you are not happy of your single life then you will never ever be happy in a married life.


Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. But if someone is alone and falls, its just too bad, because there is no one to help him. Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone.

 

[tourist]

I think i'm prone to mistake no2 because of my parent's miserable marriage. But i know that the saying history repeats itself is not necessarily true. God's will is the ultimate and the only way to go. Whatever is that, im fine with it. Now im trying to live a happy single life because i believe that if you are not happy of your single life then you will never ever be happy in a married life.


Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. But if someone is alone and falls, its just too bad, because there is no one to help him. Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone.

I like this post a lot.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

I like this post a lot.

Really? A lot? Thanks! Can you give me reputation points? Please? Lol!

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Really? A lot? Thanks! Can you give me reputation points? Please? Lol!

View attachment 85836

That was fast! Thanks tourist...

 

[gypsygirl]

I think i'm prone to mistake no2 because of my parent's miserable marriage. But i know that the saying history repeats itself is not necessarily true. God's will is the ultimate and the only way to go. Whatever is that, im fine with it. Now im trying to live a happy single life because i believe that if you are not happy of your single life then you will never ever be happy in a married life.


Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. But if someone is alone and falls, its just too bad, because there is no one to help him. Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone.

i can certainly relate to your feelings. for a number of years, my own observations of my parents' combined marital disasters soured me greatly on marriage. it took a long time for me to break the association i had with marriage as being an enormously bad idea that was almost certainly destined for failure and pain upon the many impacted by its eventual demise. thankfully, God slowly chipped away at my crooked perceptions, and gave me new ones to replace the old one.

I am single and perfectly content in being so. Society says that you must do this or you must do that to fit in. And if you are single, well there must be something wrong with you. You must be selfish or not loving. I hear Christians say that God has a woman for every man or vise versa. That is not at all what the bible teaches. It is completely up to the individual to choose whether to marry or not. In fact Paul wrote as long as a person can abstain from lust it's better not to marry for the sake of the kingdom of God. But it's also not a sin to marry. Marriage is of God.

Many of God's children throughout history have not married. Perhaps one day I will marry if God wants me to, but my wife must be from Him. I'm not going to go out and get married just because I feel lonely,(which I don't, the intimacy with the Holy Spirit causes me to be content), or just to fit in so I don't stand out from everyone else for being different. I used to be bothered by not having someone, and I found myself searching. And I found in searching I just grieved the Holy Spirit because I took my eyes off of Christ. I've now settled it in my heart to seek first the kingdom of God, and all it's righteousness, just as the bible says. And then everything else will fall in place according to God's will.

you make some several salient points. just like we cannot serve two masters, i find it impossible to seek the kingdom of God with your whole heart if you're idolizing marriage. also, as you point out, singleness is a worthy calling, be it for life, or even for seasons. my life would be very different, and many of the things that i cannot imagine missing out on wouldn't have been possible if i'd been married.

welcome to cc, seekeroflife. : )

I"m guilty of demonizing marriage...

Remember when I posted in the thread this in a thread? "I'm too selfish to deeply care and nurture about another person at this point in my life"

Well, it's true, like seriously true. I care more about my cars/hobbies than I do about any potential relationship. It basically boils down to the fact that they don't bother me, I don't ever have to spend any time with them if I don't want to, and I never have any deep discussions. To be honest the description in the article is pretty spot on: "You don’t want to be in a relationship because for you, it sounds like a prison sentence. Your greatest joy is being alone. You like your freedom and don’t want anyone else to encroach upon your life because you’d be forced to consider them, accommodate them, or serve them." I haven't always had this view of marriage, previously I always wanted to get married. Nowadays, not so much, maybe later. I just don't want all the hassles and troubles that come with having a serious relationship in my life. I have enough problems on my own without adding to them.


And if you feel so inclined, go ahead an call me immature/a jerk/stupid, or that there are good women out there waiting for me to grow up, I honestly don't care. My life is the way I like it right now, so I don't see any reason to change it. I've seen the heartache and messes that relationships can cause so for now I will stay clear of that "mess".

i don't think there's anything immature about being aware of both our limitations and what we're not ready for. far more immature is the person who doesn't want to own up to the honest truth.

i've seen a number of people go into relationships with the attitude that it will "be good for them" or "they will figure it out as they go" or my personal favorite, "things will sort themselves out" when really, they need to admit that they've got no business trifling with something they're ill-equipped to handle.

 

[Ugly]

This is something i've noticed on CC often and have even pointed out to many people seeking advice. I even recall seeing a recent posts where someone indicated that their life was not fulfilled as they were no longer married, and didn't believe there was someone else out there.

I've fallen into the idolization side. Mostly when i was younger. Now, as a result of many of the threads on marriage topics here in Singles i've learned to recognize that we are not created for marriage, but for Gods purposes. Maybe that includes marriage, but maybe not. We are not promised a spouse. God does not create two human beings for each other. Nor should our self worth or identity be wrapped up in single or married. Our focus should not be on spouse location and identification.
I still would like to be married, but it's less of a 'feel' that i 'need' to be married, though i can't explain why and more of a genuine desire. And as a result i am more content in being single.

 

[gypsygirl]

for a large part of my life i was in the second camp, very negative about marriage and it's risk for pain and destruction. i was largely motivated by cautionary tales and held a pretty pessimistic view of my own abilities to overcome this.

as i've grown in my faith, i've come to realize that we aren't limited by our failings and shortcomings, but rather, God uses them to do works in our lives. it's been really a slow-growing, step-by-step process of healing. and along the way, God has shown me actual examples of godly couples who've done a lot to help rebuild my faith, showing me what could be.

i no longer hold the supernegative, dim view, but a more realistic one, and have such admiration for those couples who wage to fight together against all that comes against godly marriage. we live in a world that is eager to attack and devalue.

it's inspiring to see how many couples do work together to overcome the statistics, and the singles who realistically, yet with faith (and even optimism) press on.

...i've learned to recognize that we are not created for marriage, but for Gods purposes. Maybe that includes marriage, but maybe not. We are not promised a spouse. God does not create two human beings for each other. Nor should our self worth or identity be wrapped up in single or married. Our focus should not be on spouse location and identification.

very well said! so many, many yesses!

 

[BugeyeSTi]

I think your last sentence sums up your situation rather well.

Yes, it actually does. More so than I realized when I typed that.

i don't think there's anything immature about being aware of both our limitations and what we're not ready for. far more immature is the person who doesn't want to own up to the honest truth.

i've seen a number of people go into relationships with the attitude that it will "be good for them" or "they will figure it out as they go" or my personal favorite, "things will sort themselves out" when really, they need to admit that they've got no business trifling with something they're ill-equipped to handle.

I agree that it's not immature to know one's limitations, or how much we can handle for that matter. But to me, the reason those "limitations" are in place is because of immaturity. It would be interesting to hear others thoughts on this, but to me the reason I have those "limitations" are because i'm afraid of the hurt/mess, and because I really can be quite selfish at times. I see those characteristics as being immature. I don't know how others view that.


Just for the record, my three brain cells had a meeting and voted on if I should be pursuing girls right now. Looks like they chose the right option.

 

[DuchessAimee]

 

[gypsygirl]

am i the only one grossed out that the cat is stretched out on the kitchen counter??? ewww.