"Not Physically Attracted Enough" - Vs - "Friendship that Catches Fire"

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tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,191
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Tennessee
#41
What is attractive?

I've known some women who all the guys seemed to think were "hott" but I disliked their nasty attitude. I've known some women who all the guys ignored as being "not hott" (don't know why that extra "t" matters, but it does) but I thought they were beautiful.

In Southern parlance:
You can be as ugly as homemade sin and dumb as dirt, but if you got that one thing that somebody thinks is important to have you can be prettier than a chocolate milkshake to that person.
I fully concur with your estimation.
 

Catsandell

New member
Jul 6, 2022
16
10
3
#42
I'd hold someones hand to cross the road otherwise, its not always necessary...they dont have to be my friend or attractive, I'd just not want them to get run over and die.
Men, generally, are more drawn to the outward. I don't know why, that's just the way we're wired. Of course that doesn't mean something extreme like, even if the lady in question is nastier than sin, we'd still want her because she's hot. I don't know any man, even unsaved, who'd want that. Obviously the heart matters, obviously her Christian commitment matters, common world views, etc. But, generally, men are more drawn to the external, at least initially.

Looks serves a purpose. If it didn't, then why would God have made it a thing? But, depending on the people, the chemistries, etc., it all varies and matters differently at different times to different people.

I think that if you're not attracted to them, move on. But then, one might ask, don't you think you may miss out on something great by not giving a person a chance? That same chance could be had by simply staying in touch with the man or woman in question. If an attraction's meant to develop, it will.

I want anyone I go out with to have certain physical traits, generally. But... there've been exceptions. In college, there was a woman who was the head of a Christian club (Seekers). She was not my type. However, I developed a deep crush on her after getting to know her over time. Perhaps it was her femininity, her niceness to me, I don't know. But, it was a bad one. (Until she (apparently) had an emotional breakdown of some kind and fell off the map. I never found out what happened to her.)
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#43
Sorry I didn't catch this earlier, a friend of mine passed on to glory. I would expect that romance just builds itself between two people, if it's there. It should be easy and natural not forced. If you do go out w/her again and it seems cool, try holding her hand. If she likes you at all she will gladly do it, if she's uncomfortable about it then red light I'd think.
Or just texting you could say something like 'I kinda like you what do you think about that?' But I'm a bit older than you so I hope my advise isn't too outdated, lol.
No problem, Sorry for your loss, TabinRivCa.

Actually the situation is I don't have any desire to be more than friends with her.
 

JesusLives

Senior Member
Oct 11, 2013
14,551
2,171
113
#44
My experience is that you find someone that you can carry a good conversation, have at least some of the same interests, loves the Lord, and that you would consider your best friend.

Looks and attractiveness only lasts so long and then we all age and don't look so good anymore.

Tourist and I talked quite a while before we had phone conversations and we emailed, snail mailed, phone talked and messaged on CC for several months before we took the step to meet in person. Once we met we didn't want to be without each other and ended up married.

We didn't really know what the other one looked like before we met. I did have a clue because he posted 3 or 4 pictures on CC but my point is that we loved each other before we met. We took the time to try and really get to know each other and I did everything wrong that you aren't supposed to do by telling him all my faults in some of those long conversations. Even before we got married I told him he could still back out because it was a lifelong commitment and he still stayed and we are looking at our 8th anniversary in November.

So falling in love with someone's heart and personality is much better than if they are attractive enough as you will live with that personality for the rest of your life you will not live with great looks forever as those go south the older you get. At 68 I can tell you gravity takes over...the wrinkles come and the looks fade but those personalities stay strong...

You got to do what is best for you. God bless.
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,383
639
113
#45
My experience is that you find someone that you can carry a good conversation, have at least some of the same interests, loves the Lord, and that you would consider your best friend.

Looks and attractiveness only lasts so long and then we all age and don't look so good anymore.

Tourist and I talked quite a while before we had phone conversations and we emailed, snail mailed, phone talked and messaged on CC for several months before we took the step to meet in person. Once we met we didn't want to be without each other and ended up married.

We didn't really know what the other one looked like before we met. I did have a clue because he posted 3 or 4 pictures on CC but my point is that we loved each other before we met. We took the time to try and really get to know each other and I did everything wrong that you aren't supposed to do by telling him all my faults in some of those long conversations. Even before we got married I told him he could still back out because it was a lifelong commitment and he still stayed and we are looking at our 8th anniversary in November.

So falling in love with someone's heart and personality is much better than if they are attractive enough as you will live with that personality for the rest of your life you will not live with great looks forever as those go south the older you get. At 68 I can tell you gravity takes over...the wrinkles come and the looks fade but those personalities stay strong...

You got to do what is best for you. God bless.
I don't really know that much about you, but I do know that tourist has always been an extremely decent guy towards me.

Make him some cupcakes or something...lol.
 

JesusLives

Senior Member
Oct 11, 2013
14,551
2,171
113
#46
Just wanted to add that in my 20's and 30's I had a laundry list of the what I was looking for in a guy. By 40 the list shortened quite a bit and by 50's my only requirement was a heart beat. lol Well a christian wouldn't hurt.
 

17Bees

Senior Member
Oct 14, 2016
1,360
798
113
#47
Just wanted to add that in my 20's and 30's I had a laundry list of the what I was looking for in a guy. By 40 the list shortened quite a bit and by 50's my only requirement was a heart beat. lol Well a christian wouldn't hurt.
I've always said, nothing so excites like a girl with a stethoscope.
 

Willow

Well-known member
Oct 10, 2021
435
402
63
ohio
#48
"Not Physically Attracted Enough" - Vs - "Friendship that Catches Fire"

I recently started a relationship with a good christian woman who gave me her contact info. We've communicated via text and have gotten to know each other for a few months. We went out on two dates. (I know they we dates, cause I paid for them. ;))

I definitely like her as a person, and a friend, although we didn't have such a fun time that I'm inspired to hangout with her again. The physical attraction isn't there for me, so I decided I should stop asking her out... beyond friendly chats.

Although I didn't find her physically attractive upfront, I didn't want to jump to conclusions, and wanted to spend some time with her to see if that might change. I would assume people do that, especially women, because they get asked out. What's your experience? What's your advice?


What's your thoughts on "dating" people you're not physically attracted to?

1. It was suggested to me that I go out with, and get to know women, I'm not immediately physically attracted to because a physical attraction -- or some other kind of attraction -- might occur in the future. What's your thoughts on that? Has it ever happened to you?


I've heard a number of christian speakers talk about: "Love is when friendship catches fire!"

When I hear these messages, I roll my eyes. I'd like to go up front and ask them, "Is this YOUR personal experience? When you met your wife, did you first think she was ugly as sin, but then after you knew her for a while, then BAM you fell in love, and now you can't keep your hands off her?"

It's one thing to become particularly physically attracted someone after you've known them for a while... like if you're part of the same group or organization; it's another thing to date someone you definitely do not find physically attractive, and then that changes. I think former happens sometimes, but I doubt the latter does.

That is to say: I think there may be someone you didn't really "think about" as 'your type', or someone you didn't particularly find attractive at first, or someone who annoyed you, and then after you got to know them overtime you then "noticed" they WERE particularly attractive to you. That's more like going from "neutral", "absent minded", or annoyed to physically attracted... as opposed to 'definitely not physically attracted' to a "friendship catching on fire".

There's also the risk of leading someone on when it's 99% assured romantic love is not going to happen.

2. Different for Women?
Experientially, I've found the situation is generally different for women. My mother told me she went out with guys she didn't find physically attractive just go out and have some fun. When the guys asked her about it, she'd have to admit she was using them (though she didn't describe that way, she acknowledged it was wrong and cruel). Also, since men ask out women, a woman may not have given it (him) much thought and wants to be open-minded about it, or doesn't want to hurt the man's feelings, or she's just 'hedging her bets'... that is, she wants to keep some "second choices" and "better-than-nothing choices" in play while she's waiting to see if her Prince ever arrives. Additionally, before women were welcomed in the workplace, some women dated and married based mostly on the 'life the husband could provide her' rather than if she was physically attracted to him. I suppose if she loves and stays faithfully married to him, it's fine. Thoughts?
Well never went out with guys and used them. Maybe your mom's assumption. But then again earlier years I was a tad more shy and nerdy. Maybe something some really nice looking women do. I cannot say for them only me. I will not go out with someone I am not attracted too. I will go out with someone as a friend. I go dutch unless they offer or I do. Yeah would probably hurt my feelings if i thought we had a future and the person knew all along they were not attracted to me. But I have dealt with a few who said they were looking for a long term relationship . But were not and yes it was hurtful . if your thinking it perhaps God is saying atm make sure she knows you just want to be friends. It may grow to something else,but at least she knows.
 

Sculpt

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2021
1,004
309
83
#49
One thing I've learned about people is, what you think is important reveals a lot more about you than it reveals about the thing you think is important. And the more a person talks about that thing he thinks is important, the more he reveals about himself.

This has some interesting applications:

If a girl does express an interest in me, my first priority is figuring out why. The reason she is interested in me tells me a lot about her.

If I don't have the qualities that make a girl interested in me, that is a GOOD thing! I don't want that kind of girl.

Also, for all you girls who have been told by a man, "You'd be pretty if you did your hair this way" or "I'd go out with you if you'd lose a few pounds," be grateful. You just dodged a bullet. No way you want a man like that hanging around. :p
Of course, I'm assuming you're replying to my thread topic, and generally, or specifically, to what I wrote, and to me. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Regarding your post here, I have to say, I'm not really sure what you're saying. I know you have wisdom and my ears are wide open. I'm sure my post revealed what's important to me... what does it reveal about me; and how can we use this info in a beneficial way? Thanks!
 

Robertt

Well-known member
May 22, 2019
898
318
63
Bahrain
#50
perhaps when we look to marriage we should look to the bible.

When Jacob went looking for a wife he chose the most beauitufl girl he could find. sadly he got cheated and married her sister instead first lol

I truly believe the modern world is over influencing us in our choices.

I truly beleive we should only marry spouses we are attracted to and find beautiful . but once married we never leave them even when they old and grey and ten times larger than they were originally.

love as laid out in the greek words is also a feeling. so do not forget that love is also EROS and PHILEO and AGAPE.

All three loves we should have for our partner.

Just my humble opinion
 

JesusLives

Senior Member
Oct 11, 2013
14,551
2,171
113
#51
I don't really know that much about you, but I do know that tourist has always been an extremely decent guy towards me.

Make him some cupcakes or something...lol.
How about I made him some scalloped potatoes from scratch for dinner does that count?
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
1,383
639
113
#52
How about I made him some scalloped potatoes from scratch for dinner does that count?
That counts.

Incidentally, I was only joking about you making him something.

I was simply trying to convey that I appreciate your husband's kindness. He seems like a genuinely nice guy.
 

JesusLives

Senior Member
Oct 11, 2013
14,551
2,171
113
#53
That counts.

Incidentally, I was only joking about you making him something.

I was simply trying to convey that I appreciate your husband's kindness. He seems like a genuinely nice guy.
I can tell you that Tourist is truly the sweetest guy I have ever met. He can get a little testy at times, but I have never heard him say anything bad about anybody, never heard him call anyone a name or act like he is better than anyone. He is a pleasure to be married to most of the time. You know the truth about we all have our bad days I have mine too but I have never regretted getting married to him and plan to stay that way until death do us part. He's really one of the Good Guys.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,458
7,168
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#54
Hold on...laundry list...

Is this why Tourist is always posting about going to the laundrymat? :unsure:
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,191
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#55
I can tell you that Tourist is truly the sweetest guy I have ever met. He can get a little testy at times, but I have never heard him say anything bad about anybody, never heard him call anyone a name or act like he is better than anyone. He is a pleasure to be married to most of the time. You know the truth about we all have our bad days I have mine too but I have never regretted getting married to him and plan to stay that way until death do us part. He's really one of the Good Guys.
Till death do we part is how that roll 'em. You are sweet too, and cuddly.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,191
16,223
113
69
Tennessee
#57
My experience is that you find someone that you can carry a good conversation, have at least some of the same interests, loves the Lord, and that you would consider your best friend.

Looks and attractiveness only lasts so long and then we all age and don't look so good anymore.

Tourist and I talked quite a while before we had phone conversations and we emailed, snail mailed, phone talked and messaged on CC for several months before we took the step to meet in person. Once we met we didn't want to be without each other and ended up married.

We didn't really know what the other one looked like before we met. I did have a clue because he posted 3 or 4 pictures on CC but my point is that we loved each other before we met. We took the time to try and really get to know each other and I did everything wrong that you aren't supposed to do by telling him all my faults in some of those long conversations. Even before we got married I told him he could still back out because it was a lifelong commitment and he still stayed and we are looking at our 8th anniversary in November.

So falling in love with someone's heart and personality is much better than if they are attractive enough as you will live with that personality for the rest of your life you will not live with great looks forever as those go south the older you get. At 68 I can tell you gravity takes over...the wrinkles come and the looks fade but those personalities stay strong...

You got to do what is best for you. God bless.
You always look good to me, both inside and outside. :)
 

Ruby123

Well-known member
Mar 1, 2019
11,895
8,222
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#58
I have not been attracted to some and then later down the line developed an attraction to them. It can be their kindness, genuineness, even their ability to stay calm despite whatever is going on. It shows that the inside is important.

I always say if attraction is so important why do many people in the media who are considered highly attractive such as models, actors etc have spouses who cheat on them? Could it be that we have all been trained to think attractiveness is of the highest importance?
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,191
16,223
113
69
Tennessee
#59
I have not been attracted to some and then later down the line developed an attraction to them. It can be their kindness, genuineness, even their ability to stay calm despite whatever is going on. It shows that the inside is important.

I always say if attraction is so important why do many people in the media who are considered highly attractive such as models, actors etc have spouses who cheat on them? Could it be that we have all been trained to think attractiveness is of the highest importance?
Well-spoken Ruby.
 

Gojira

Well-known member
Jul 20, 2021
5,565
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Mesa, AZ
#60
I have not been attracted to some and then later down the line developed an attraction to them. It can be their kindness, genuineness, even their ability to stay calm despite whatever is going on. It shows that the inside is important.

I always say if attraction is so important why do many people in the media who are considered highly attractive such as models, actors etc have spouses who cheat on them? Could it be that we have all been trained to think attractiveness is of the highest importance?
Eh... I think it's just the fallen nature. They're not grateful for whom they're waking up to every day.