Hey Everyone,
With all the threads we see here about problems with pornography, I have been seriously wondering how, as singles, we should react or respond to the fact that so many of our brothers (and sometimes sisters) in Christ struggle with this problem.
First of all, I'm not shaming anyone who struggles with this at all. We all have our own struggles and I admire anyone who is aware of their sins and chooses to engage in an active fight against their sinful nature. I have plenty of weaknesses to fight against myself.
But I'm also wondering what my prayers should be: "God, please send me a husband who isn't addicted to porn," or, "God, please make me strong enough to help him through the fight." I honestly used to pray the first prayer. But as time goes on, the second prayer seems like the only realistic thing to pray. Is this true?
Some men (and women) I've talked to have told me I just have to accept that "boys will be boys" and it's just a part of life you have to deal with (and, as is implied, accept.) Men tell me my expectations are way too high and that I'll never find anyone if I somehow expect them not to watch porn.
I can honestly say that one of the reasons I haven't had a boyfriend in so long (about 12 years) is because I'd rather choose to support a guy who's having this kind of fight as his friend rather than his girlfriend, seeing as I've already been there, done that, and wasn't handling it very well at all.
From the ages of 17-29 I was in 4 long-term relationships. Of the 4, one wasn't really into porn at all. He'd seen some things but didn't choose to continue watching them. Another had a "recreational" porn habit. He would occasionally look at this or that but it wasn't all the time, and he would often choose other things that interested him, such as sports or video games, instead. Another was definitely a "regular", seeing as, if you tried to turn on his TV, he'd have it queued up to a "movie" he'd been watching. And the other was a "semi-regular", meaning, at times I'd catch him watching things on his computer. One time he was printing out an entire stack of pictures... and apparently making his own "collection."
I remember very well how this made me feel and how I reacted to it. One had had a preference for "Asian porn", (I didn't know this until after we started dating), and it made me feel like a curiosity object--especially when he told me he would look at these things with his brother (talk about uncomfortable.) The other had a preference for a different ethnicity that I am not a part of, and of course, it all had the same effect: I felt... all wrong, inadequate, and like some sort of really lousy stand-in substitute for a fantasy they would certainly have much rather preferred.
All but one considered themselves to be Christans and all 4 (even the non-Christian) were fine with trying to adhere to a life of celibacy before marriage. (Ironically, the one who talked about sex the least was the one who didn't consider himself a Christian.)
This has just been my own personal experience when dating Christian men. I know they're human, and I know they struggle. I also know that some women struggle with this just as much as men. But I also wonder to myself, How much fallout should the significant others of those who watch porn be expected to take?
One of the effects this had on me was that it made my depression 10 times worse. At the time, I was experimenting with various measures of self-harm because I felt so inadequate. I also felt extremely bitter and hateful that they would choose to continue to do this, without even caring (or noticing) that I was hurting myself.
But in the time I've been away from all those kinds of conflicts, I've slowly gotten much better over the years (all the old self-injurious behaviors ceased many years ago, thanks to God's help and a very special friend who really listened to all my heartache.) I've learned how to listen to and be supportive guy friends who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors... but I don't choose to date them, knowing it would probably send me into the same downward spiral that's been so much work to get away from.
I can honestly say that one of the reasons I've steadily been healed of many things over the years is because I'm not regularly dealing with being in a relationship with someone who is constantly choosing to mentally have sex with other women, (which, in 2 cases, led to them having physical sex with other women as well.) Sometimes over the years, I have been tempted to just throw in the towel and agree to dating someone who is a wonderful friend, but also struggling with this issue. But so far I've held back, because I often wonder what going back to such a situation would do to my emotional state. I can't say I want to find out. And, at least this way, I can still be a caring, supportive friend to him.
If I became his girlfriend, I would start to resent him, because in a relationship, this habit would make me feel like a sub-worthy play thing.
But on the other hand, it also seems to point to a life of always being alone. And, it doesn't leave much hope for anyone one either side of the issue. People struggling with this will think, "Oh no, I won't ever find anyone, because I can't see being free from this," while people who aren't struggling with this will think, "Why should I have to settle?"
Should we all just accept that porn is a regular part of many people's lives (especially men), and somehow accept that as "fact"? (Meaning, should we get to a point where we don't see it as "any big deal" and should "accept" or "expect" that we are going to find ourselves dealing with this kind of struggle through our relationships?)
After all, if we all wait for a partner who is healed of this, we might very well be waiting forever or could possibly miss out one someone we could grow closer to as we choose to fight this together. But should it always be expected that the partner without the porn issue should always be expected and required to constantly forgive, or even overlook, the continuous behaviors of the other who is still watching porn?
Where are the lines between setting a standard (allowing a relationship even if there's a struggle with porn going on), acceptance ("I don't want that in my relationship at all!", or "We are going to fight this together,"), and expectation ("Most like, I'm going to wind up with someone who watches porn so I better learn to accept it")?
As singles, what should our prayers be at night?
1. "Lord, please send me someone who loves just me, and doesn't need to look at other men/women for satisfaction."
2. "Lord, there are a lot of people out there struggling with pornography. If it's Your will for me to marry someone while they're still going through this, and might possibly never be healed, please make me strong enough to do so."
I would love to hear your thoughts.
), but it's really encouraging to see that some people think differently.
