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I
Sitting here reflecting on my B's & S's of the CC forum...so easy to look out & see how satan has played so many of you into thinking they were sub-par..as parents...as witnesses...as children of the most high. Yet I can look at myself & be totally beguiled. I see myself as nothing...worthless...someone who has nothing to offer the kingdom of heaven...someone whom on that day will lay before Jesus' feet a crown of vines...not one of gold or silver. I,as many of my brethren feel useless.
When I was in the "prime" of my fire & passion for God as I call it...there were so few people that felt as I did...about the word..about witnessing..about music..about community...I was the oddball.
Now here I am in 2013 surrounded by people,many who while different from me,seem to have many of the same desires & passions placed on their hearts by God as I once did.
I don't get it?
I feel like my time is well passed.
What do I have to offer?
I still feel like nothing after so long.
....My heart's alive,my heart can move,
But hearts can break and hearts can bruise.
What am I doing here?
The older I grow...the more I wish I would just fade away & never have been.
I don't want to be one of those who has nothing to lay before the King of Kings...I guess that's my greatest fear.
When I was in the "prime" of my fire & passion for God as I call it...there were so few people that felt as I did...about the word..about witnessing..about music..about community...I was the oddball.
Now here I am in 2013 surrounded by people,many who while different from me,seem to have many of the same desires & passions placed on their hearts by God as I once did.
I don't get it?
I feel like my time is well passed.
What do I have to offer?
I still feel like nothing after so long.
....My heart's alive,my heart can move,
But hearts can break and hearts can bruise.
What am I doing here?
The older I grow...the more I wish I would just fade away & never have been.
I don't want to be one of those who has nothing to lay before the King of Kings...I guess that's my greatest fear.
Two separate thoughts right now.
1) The people of CC are really, super awesome. Words can't describe it.
2) I hate the sound of sirens. They sound eery, and they always mean something is wrong, that someone, somewhere, is hurt. Whenever I hear one, I try to pray for the paramedics/firefighters/what have you responding and the people they're going towards. Part of me wishes I could follow them, and be there to help in whatever way I can, and comfort the people they're going to. So, sirens also make me feel a bit helpless, though I guess that is the other people's job, to respond.
1) The people of CC are really, super awesome. Words can't describe it.
2) I hate the sound of sirens. They sound eery, and they always mean something is wrong, that someone, somewhere, is hurt. Whenever I hear one, I try to pray for the paramedics/firefighters/what have you responding and the people they're going towards. Part of me wishes I could follow them, and be there to help in whatever way I can, and comfort the people they're going to. So, sirens also make me feel a bit helpless, though I guess that is the other people's job, to respond.
P
How interesting it is when I take emotions in myself and sit and look at them in Gods perspective of me.. Putting all of it there and seeing " this must be how God must have felt towards me in all the times I turned away Instead of to him.."
Its sort of a new thing I've ventured into.. how amazing the results are when I can wrap my mind around it , harness it, as if I'm sitting in Gods heart looking at me in them....
if this is the ache i have caused you father .. If this is the love I rejected from you , if this is the long suffering you sat through waiting to pour it out on me .... .... If all this in my heart , is what I've done to you....
My God my God... I had no idea the love you have for me ..,
Its sort of a new thing I've ventured into.. how amazing the results are when I can wrap my mind around it , harness it, as if I'm sitting in Gods heart looking at me in them....
if this is the ache i have caused you father .. If this is the love I rejected from you , if this is the long suffering you sat through waiting to pour it out on me .... .... If all this in my heart , is what I've done to you....
My God my God... I had no idea the love you have for me ..,
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A
Heard this song tonight:
[video=youtube;N1KnE1Zu_84]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1KnE1Zu_84[/video]
And it took me back 8 years. To a guy, to a season, to a grey autumn afternoon laying in a massive pile of leaves. To new beginnings. I can almost faintly smell that day. We used to listen to this song often, as autumn moved into winter. New beginnings. I really did like him. He broke up with me. He's now married, and overweight. So, hmm.
[video=youtube;N1KnE1Zu_84]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1KnE1Zu_84[/video]
And it took me back 8 years. To a guy, to a season, to a grey autumn afternoon laying in a massive pile of leaves. To new beginnings. I can almost faintly smell that day. We used to listen to this song often, as autumn moved into winter. New beginnings. I really did like him. He broke up with me. He's now married, and overweight. So, hmm.
I
I woke up this morning & was reading a few of these threads & came so close to starting my own.
I had about 4 different scriptures I was going to post.
I hold my tongue. Alot!
If people only knew how many times I hold back things inside that I want to say.
When I was younger I cared much less if I offended someone.
I still don't care. I really don't.
The only thing that helps me bite my tongue now is God...making the choice to give him control of what I want to say in that moment.
Out of curiosity I went all the way back to the very begining page of the single's threads,which I think the 1st was started in 2003. I was reading all the different thread titles & seeing so many names of members I didn't recognize,wondering if they still are here at all,and then I saw some people I did recognize,and with very similar sounding thread titles and topics that they have started now in 2013. I just thought to myself,"wow...all these years have passed & it's the same old recycled conversations,no growth..no answers to questions...no great revelations or mysteries uncovered."
It kinda made me sad.
Made me remember my time spent in church where people would come & go,year after year...people would be called away,due to their jobs,or ministries and there I would sit. In part because I really had no idea what God wanted me to do and in part I was fearful to leave comfortable surroundings.
Hey,I was kinda inner circle at my church...look at me...how cool am I? And,I am super duper cool,'cause I shock peeps with my heavy metal music & long hair....ohhhhh I'm sooooooo special & unique.
RUBBISH!
So in my mind,knocking around since last night...I think about all these things...think about maybe I am just as in the wrong as others. Just because I keep it inside,how am I better or more Christ-like??? Sure,I man not get as many people angered with me,but God knows all my secrets...he knows if I am judging someone...how can I hide my motives from HIM?
Who the heck do I think I am?????
Basically, satan! PRIDE! By this mindset,it's nothing else but filthy pride. I think MY way is better than God's?!?!
That worked out for lucifer pretty well then,didn't it?
So I guess I will not take sides. I will continue to submit my pride & my tongue to Jesus.
Pray for him to change me & the eyes of my putrid heart until I stop trying to see things the way I want them to be.
But seriously...WE ALL NEED TO GROW THE *BLANKITY BLANK* UP!
........ let it begin with me,Lord.
I had about 4 different scriptures I was going to post.
I hold my tongue. Alot!
If people only knew how many times I hold back things inside that I want to say.
When I was younger I cared much less if I offended someone.
I still don't care. I really don't.
The only thing that helps me bite my tongue now is God...making the choice to give him control of what I want to say in that moment.
Out of curiosity I went all the way back to the very begining page of the single's threads,which I think the 1st was started in 2003. I was reading all the different thread titles & seeing so many names of members I didn't recognize,wondering if they still are here at all,and then I saw some people I did recognize,and with very similar sounding thread titles and topics that they have started now in 2013. I just thought to myself,"wow...all these years have passed & it's the same old recycled conversations,no growth..no answers to questions...no great revelations or mysteries uncovered."
It kinda made me sad.
Made me remember my time spent in church where people would come & go,year after year...people would be called away,due to their jobs,or ministries and there I would sit. In part because I really had no idea what God wanted me to do and in part I was fearful to leave comfortable surroundings.
Hey,I was kinda inner circle at my church...look at me...how cool am I? And,I am super duper cool,'cause I shock peeps with my heavy metal music & long hair....ohhhhh I'm sooooooo special & unique.
RUBBISH!
So in my mind,knocking around since last night...I think about all these things...think about maybe I am just as in the wrong as others. Just because I keep it inside,how am I better or more Christ-like??? Sure,I man not get as many people angered with me,but God knows all my secrets...he knows if I am judging someone...how can I hide my motives from HIM?
Who the heck do I think I am?????
Basically, satan! PRIDE! By this mindset,it's nothing else but filthy pride. I think MY way is better than God's?!?!
That worked out for lucifer pretty well then,didn't it?
So I guess I will not take sides. I will continue to submit my pride & my tongue to Jesus.
Pray for him to change me & the eyes of my putrid heart until I stop trying to see things the way I want them to be.
But seriously...WE ALL NEED TO GROW THE *BLANKITY BLANK* UP!
........ let it begin with me,Lord.
M
I dunno what it is, but the last few days, it seems like every time I turn around, there's someone...unhappy. Angry, or annoyed, or fighting.
I'm all sorts of overly sensitive and pick up on very subtle changes in moods, even on here sometimes. Peeps are gettin' riled all over the place.
Is it the weather? The change of seasons? Delayed reaction to time change? Global warming?!
My husband and my brother work together; they've always gotten along really well, but suddenly I'm sort of in the middle playing peace-keeper. I love them both and it stinks that they're fed up with each other. It seems like this keeps happening in my life- two people I care about don't get along, and I wanna put a bandaid on it and make everyone play nice, even though I know that doesn't work.
I dunno. Tension all around me, and I'm just over here by myself like, "Ooh, the flowers are blooming! Hey, the sun is shining! Stoppit, birdy, you're gonna crash!"
And sometimes...everyone else is like, "Can it, Cristen."
I'm all sorts of overly sensitive and pick up on very subtle changes in moods, even on here sometimes. Peeps are gettin' riled all over the place.
Is it the weather? The change of seasons? Delayed reaction to time change? Global warming?!
My husband and my brother work together; they've always gotten along really well, but suddenly I'm sort of in the middle playing peace-keeper. I love them both and it stinks that they're fed up with each other. It seems like this keeps happening in my life- two people I care about don't get along, and I wanna put a bandaid on it and make everyone play nice, even though I know that doesn't work.
I dunno. Tension all around me, and I'm just over here by myself like, "Ooh, the flowers are blooming! Hey, the sun is shining! Stoppit, birdy, you're gonna crash!"
And sometimes...everyone else is like, "Can it, Cristen."
A
Today I feel free. I'm done at university. I am no longer attached to it. I will be working more. I applied for a job as a community counselor at a shelter home for abused women and children. It's part time but it pays quite well. And its meaningful. Looking into getting some suicide intervention training as well.
I am glad that I can begin to read for leisure, and start searching, looking into things that inspire me. Seeing myself in different ways. I am glad to have people around me that accept me, understand -or at least listen to my venting. I was asked a few days ago, where is God in all this stuff going on in my life. I believe him to walking along beside me along this journey.
Today I feel free. The snow is almost gone, a new season begins. A new season begins for me as well~
I am glad that I can begin to read for leisure, and start searching, looking into things that inspire me. Seeing myself in different ways. I am glad to have people around me that accept me, understand -or at least listen to my venting. I was asked a few days ago, where is God in all this stuff going on in my life. I believe him to walking along beside me along this journey.
Today I feel free. The snow is almost gone, a new season begins. A new season begins for me as well~
P
I use to feel closed in and trapped by what all waited for me in the world .. I butterfly emerging from
A cacoon? This last year being completely alone in christ , spending hours upon hours with just Him has done something to me.. There is a new courage to look and see what's in the world and who.. Like eyes looking through new lenses trying to become familiar. like a blind man who has just been given sight to see..
babies come into the world seeing everything upside down.. Not literally , it's the position of some just being born.. born in the spirit is very much like this ..Everything upside down .. Places that felt like mountains , I feel
Like I can move .. Jumping over walls instead of confined by them.. I have a new love for people I'm discovering too.. Seeing precious places broken within looking for restoration and relief. A kindness , a word, validation, an ear or simply just a presence near in a time of need.. cc has been a looking glass for
Me without the complications of other distractions .. to see the heart instead of the intrusions of visible things to create a biased opinion ..
I wonder what it's going to be like going back out into the world .. Knowing full well I can climb a ladder if I want too, yet have a peace and stability , a contentment, purposefully in a poorer position .
I was inspired today by a cc member .. who's going out to
Move a mountain and climb a wall outside of these forums .. outside of the "I can't" mentality, to an "I can" movement in body.. this is where I am now.. Peering into a world I am to navigate in .. I now see mountains in Christ that are moveable, accomplishable.. I don't want a title or an important position among people , I believe that has been completely drained out of
my soul.. I have already stretched my antennas across the borders of my state... Feeling about in Wyoming, Colorado, and montanna.. What's out there? I want to look and see.. to be part of something in a group, but something bigger than the group itself . Larger than the position at the top, further beyond one organized team. Beyond each member to something else ... God as the head, all heads attached to the hub.. All gifts and talents working in unity without quarrel, feet moving in the same direction .. what is so hard about doing this ?
A cacoon? This last year being completely alone in christ , spending hours upon hours with just Him has done something to me.. There is a new courage to look and see what's in the world and who.. Like eyes looking through new lenses trying to become familiar. like a blind man who has just been given sight to see..
babies come into the world seeing everything upside down.. Not literally , it's the position of some just being born.. born in the spirit is very much like this ..Everything upside down .. Places that felt like mountains , I feel
Like I can move .. Jumping over walls instead of confined by them.. I have a new love for people I'm discovering too.. Seeing precious places broken within looking for restoration and relief. A kindness , a word, validation, an ear or simply just a presence near in a time of need.. cc has been a looking glass for
Me without the complications of other distractions .. to see the heart instead of the intrusions of visible things to create a biased opinion ..
I wonder what it's going to be like going back out into the world .. Knowing full well I can climb a ladder if I want too, yet have a peace and stability , a contentment, purposefully in a poorer position .
I was inspired today by a cc member .. who's going out to
Move a mountain and climb a wall outside of these forums .. outside of the "I can't" mentality, to an "I can" movement in body.. this is where I am now.. Peering into a world I am to navigate in .. I now see mountains in Christ that are moveable, accomplishable.. I don't want a title or an important position among people , I believe that has been completely drained out of
my soul.. I have already stretched my antennas across the borders of my state... Feeling about in Wyoming, Colorado, and montanna.. What's out there? I want to look and see.. to be part of something in a group, but something bigger than the group itself . Larger than the position at the top, further beyond one organized team. Beyond each member to something else ... God as the head, all heads attached to the hub.. All gifts and talents working in unity without quarrel, feet moving in the same direction .. what is so hard about doing this ?