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That is just how I thought. When I tried to give, I was often turned away. Now I am very old, it is looking back. I see ways I gave that I didn't recognize before. There was the Jewess I worked with who asked about Jesus. There was even a minister's wife in our department, but I was the one each came to if they had God questions, they must have known to do that because I didn't share in the gossip, etc. I knew lots of people, in another of my jobs, who were very spiritual, they said, meaning they were familiar with the occult. I had many opportunities to lead to the true God. I have children and grandchildren who are leaders in the church, I must have taught something right. Now, I see how God used me, but at your age it could have been me writing as you wrote.
A couple of months ago, I got a new phone. It came with a new, bigger SD card and so I put my old, tiny one on my desk so that I could transfer the files later. I sort of forgot about it. But, today I was organizing my desk in my room (I had let a lot of mail and let other things pile up and it was a bit of a mess...whoops) and after organizing everything, I realized that I couldn't find my SD card. I lifted things up, I looked around the desk, but I could not find it.
I had some pictures on there that are important to me, so I was pretty bummed thinking that maybe I had somehow accidentally thrown it away a couple weeks ago or something.
I just prayed, "God, I really want to find this. You know how precious some of the pictures on there are." My phone buzzed and I grabbed it and answered a text. I look up from my phone, and I kid you not, my SD card is there, on the left hand side of the desk. Either I was just really blind trying to find it before, or it was some sort of miracle. I literally gasped. Long story long, I found my SD card so I'm pretty happy right now.
It also helps that I'm drinking chocolate milk, the good kind where you mix in chocolate syrup with regular milk (pre-made chocolate milk is disgusting).
I had some pictures on there that are important to me, so I was pretty bummed thinking that maybe I had somehow accidentally thrown it away a couple weeks ago or something.
I just prayed, "God, I really want to find this. You know how precious some of the pictures on there are." My phone buzzed and I grabbed it and answered a text. I look up from my phone, and I kid you not, my SD card is there, on the left hand side of the desk. Either I was just really blind trying to find it before, or it was some sort of miracle. I literally gasped. Long story long, I found my SD card so I'm pretty happy right now.
It also helps that I'm drinking chocolate milk, the good kind where you mix in chocolate syrup with regular milk (pre-made chocolate milk is disgusting).
M
Today has been...long enough, I think. It's been alright, but I'm ready for it to be over and start fresh in the morning.
Grocery shopping was going so well, until I got charged $40 for 3 potatoes, and didn't figure out how that happened until I got home. I add up what I'm spending as I shop, and I round up to the nearest dollar amount, so generally when I go to pay, the actual amount is almost always less than what I've figured.
Today it was waaaay beyond what I'd worked out. And, because I'm shy and tend to panic first, think later, I just had them take one big thing off, because I only had enough to cover what I generally spend. I assumed I'd done my math wrong somehow, rather than that the cashier was so busy chatting with the courtesy clerk that she entered a pharmacy code instead of a produce one.
Then I drove 30 miles through the rain with only the passenger side windshield wiper working. I spent the drive muttering a constant prayer for safety/visibility, and somehow was able to see through a small gap so long as I drove 5 mph over the speed limit.
It rained/hailed all day, and it's beautiful. Last spring/summer/fall was so dry, I'd almost forgotten what rain is like.
I'll be...unsurprised...when I wake up to half a foot of snow tomorrow, though.
Grocery shopping was going so well, until I got charged $40 for 3 potatoes, and didn't figure out how that happened until I got home. I add up what I'm spending as I shop, and I round up to the nearest dollar amount, so generally when I go to pay, the actual amount is almost always less than what I've figured.
Today it was waaaay beyond what I'd worked out. And, because I'm shy and tend to panic first, think later, I just had them take one big thing off, because I only had enough to cover what I generally spend. I assumed I'd done my math wrong somehow, rather than that the cashier was so busy chatting with the courtesy clerk that she entered a pharmacy code instead of a produce one.
Then I drove 30 miles through the rain with only the passenger side windshield wiper working. I spent the drive muttering a constant prayer for safety/visibility, and somehow was able to see through a small gap so long as I drove 5 mph over the speed limit.
It rained/hailed all day, and it's beautiful. Last spring/summer/fall was so dry, I'd almost forgotten what rain is like.
I'll be...unsurprised...when I wake up to half a foot of snow tomorrow, though.
A
I was planning on going to that dirt road outside the city, turn my car off and look at the stars, think and feel. I get scared though. It's weird. All these thoughts running through my mind, what if it leads to harm; to my demise. Should I? Shouldn't I? Never mind getting on a plane, if I can't even get drive 20 mins out of the city to a dirt road. I think about the poem I wrote lastnight, about my soul residing in the night sky. That is when I have felt the most alive, on my own at night. Then I remembered being 18 years old, when I couldn't sleep late at night, I would go rollarblading. It scared my parents. But ever so often, I needed it. I needed to take the risk. Like all this built up energy needing to be free, needing to feel alive. Needing to break out from my safe little world, and do something, something that takes a little risk- even if its only for a few hours.
Adventurous is who I am really. I use to go biking and discovering parts of the city with my friend before I found out that the world is a scary place, before trauma happened. I think that this is what's happening in my life right now. I've been feeling trapped because I had a glimpse of feeling alive, and I realized how trapped I am. But what is trapped is that part of me- who I was before. It is trapped by circumstance and fear. My heart/ soul says, 'Yes!' But my mind says, 'but what if?...' That part of me is trying to get out.
So tonight, the Night whispers to me to drive to the dirt road:
Wake Wake, Hence!
Be not among the sleepers
I have much to show you
Come! Follow me
and I shall show you your soul reflecting in the waters
And I reply, "Not tonight, Night. For tonight I must do laundry"
Baby steps.
Adventurous is who I am really. I use to go biking and discovering parts of the city with my friend before I found out that the world is a scary place, before trauma happened. I think that this is what's happening in my life right now. I've been feeling trapped because I had a glimpse of feeling alive, and I realized how trapped I am. But what is trapped is that part of me- who I was before. It is trapped by circumstance and fear. My heart/ soul says, 'Yes!' But my mind says, 'but what if?...' That part of me is trying to get out.
So tonight, the Night whispers to me to drive to the dirt road:
Wake Wake, Hence!
Be not among the sleepers
I have much to show you
Come! Follow me
and I shall show you your soul reflecting in the waters
And I reply, "Not tonight, Night. For tonight I must do laundry"
Baby steps.
R
Why is it always so much easier to think clearly at stupid hours of the night?
In the morning I am reduced to a useless blob walking like a zombie with dry eyes trying to see my way to the breakfast table.
At night I feel like I could stand to have a real conversation or perhaps accomplish something important.
All the big questions come at night. But I always have to sleep soon. Because society said so, or something. Also I don't like sleeping in late.
In the morning I am reduced to a useless blob walking like a zombie with dry eyes trying to see my way to the breakfast table.
At night I feel like I could stand to have a real conversation or perhaps accomplish something important.
All the big questions come at night. But I always have to sleep soon. Because society said so, or something. Also I don't like sleeping in late.
O
And Parks and Recreations.
My thought of the day -
Sometimes I wish I could take a vacation from myself. I know how absurd this sounds, but there are times when I'm sick of myself. lol My quirks, my thoughts, my crazy little life... it's like, we should all be able to check out mentally for a few days and just not even remember anything about ourselves and go experience things without the baggage of being us. Then, after our mental vacation, we come back to being ourselves a bit more refreshed and with a different mindset.
I probably didn't make any sense, but hey, that's usually how my thoughts of the day go.
My thought of the day -
Sometimes I wish I could take a vacation from myself. I know how absurd this sounds, but there are times when I'm sick of myself. lol My quirks, my thoughts, my crazy little life... it's like, we should all be able to check out mentally for a few days and just not even remember anything about ourselves and go experience things without the baggage of being us. Then, after our mental vacation, we come back to being ourselves a bit more refreshed and with a different mindset.
I probably didn't make any sense, but hey, that's usually how my thoughts of the day go.
A
I am being BS'd -or at least someone is trying to- but I can put two and two together. Get a text last night that my co-worker has the flu. Yesterday was 420 (and she smokes), she also was going for drinks and probably was up late. And she has given her notice at work, and isn't taking her job seriously. Like come on. It's frustrating because for a few hours I have to look after a house with 3 disabled men until someone else comes in for a few hours. Plus if she isn't able come in at all, then I'll be working alone again later on tonight. -.-
P
I looked at pictures yesterday of My daughter in laws Africa mission .. I spent three hours looking at 30 pictures .. Studying every detail. window frames , cracked mud as walls, a toe sticking out of a weathered shoe , a small hole we wouldn't even think about smelling it let alone drink from it , is how these people queched their thirst ...the school house had no windows , a tiny chalkboard that sat on the floor ..vans filled completely with banannas, and dust around a child's nose ..
There is an eliment though in their faces .. Even on the choldren who's stomachs were portruding from distention .. A happiness ..most have no wrinkles of stress, muscles in their face completely relaxed.. a twinkle in every eye and a smile ...
I listened as I watched a story unfold before me through photos on a computer ..
the best part of the village looked like a city built upon the earths thrown away parts.. Tin roofs, old tires for chairs .. Kids running around in mis matched shoes .. Probably the only ones they could find ... this place looked like the homeless here live like kings .. yet the world calls them something else ..
She told me that when they arrived .. they were escorted to houses with ac rooms stocked with American coke and sprite ..the village as a whole built it for their guests ..while outside they sing and dance and come together to welcome them from the thing they've ever known.. Where they were staying was very foreign to them ..
I watched several videos like I was
Walking down the street and past makeshift huts.. I told her "I could get along just fine there" she looked at me with a smile and said " I cried knowing I was coming back to America "
These people have some riches we do not .. The entire village came together to welcome them .. And again when they departed ... They donott know the ugliness of the world . Because there is nothing in the world to compare too. although they live in ugliness .. Ugliness is not inside them ..
The whole village came together to prepare things as well as clean things up.. No money was involved and everything was done through the talents and gifts of the people .. I got to share with her .. That's exactly the way I want to live ...
There is an eliment though in their faces .. Even on the choldren who's stomachs were portruding from distention .. A happiness ..most have no wrinkles of stress, muscles in their face completely relaxed.. a twinkle in every eye and a smile ...
I listened as I watched a story unfold before me through photos on a computer ..
the best part of the village looked like a city built upon the earths thrown away parts.. Tin roofs, old tires for chairs .. Kids running around in mis matched shoes .. Probably the only ones they could find ... this place looked like the homeless here live like kings .. yet the world calls them something else ..
She told me that when they arrived .. they were escorted to houses with ac rooms stocked with American coke and sprite ..the village as a whole built it for their guests ..while outside they sing and dance and come together to welcome them from the thing they've ever known.. Where they were staying was very foreign to them ..
I watched several videos like I was
Walking down the street and past makeshift huts.. I told her "I could get along just fine there" she looked at me with a smile and said " I cried knowing I was coming back to America "
These people have some riches we do not .. The entire village came together to welcome them .. And again when they departed ... They donott know the ugliness of the world . Because there is nothing in the world to compare too. although they live in ugliness .. Ugliness is not inside them ..
The whole village came together to prepare things as well as clean things up.. No money was involved and everything was done through the talents and gifts of the people .. I got to share with her .. That's exactly the way I want to live ...
P
A couple of months ago, I got a new phone. It came with a new, bigger SD card and so I put my old, tiny one on my desk so that I could transfer the files later. I sort of forgot about it. But, today I was organizing my desk in my room (I had let a lot of mail and let other things pile up and it was a bit of a mess...whoops) and after organizing everything, I realized that I couldn't find my SD card. I lifted things up, I looked around the desk, but I could not find it.
I had some pictures on there that are important to me, so I was pretty bummed thinking that maybe I had somehow accidentally thrown it away a couple weeks ago or something.
I just prayed, "God, I really want to find this. You know how precious some of the pictures on there are." My phone buzzed and I grabbed it and answered a text. I look up from my phone, and I kid you not, my SD card is there, on the left hand side of the desk. Either I was just really blind trying to find it before, or it was some sort of miracle. I literally gasped. Long story long, I found my SD card so I'm pretty happy right now.
It also helps that I'm drinking chocolate milk, the good kind where you mix in chocolate syrup with regular milk (pre-made chocolate milk is disgusting).
I had some pictures on there that are important to me, so I was pretty bummed thinking that maybe I had somehow accidentally thrown it away a couple weeks ago or something.
I just prayed, "God, I really want to find this. You know how precious some of the pictures on there are." My phone buzzed and I grabbed it and answered a text. I look up from my phone, and I kid you not, my SD card is there, on the left hand side of the desk. Either I was just really blind trying to find it before, or it was some sort of miracle. I literally gasped. Long story long, I found my SD card so I'm pretty happy right now.
It also helps that I'm drinking chocolate milk, the good kind where you mix in chocolate syrup with regular milk (pre-made chocolate milk is disgusting).
I wear a fake front tooth(a flipper). In July my front tooth had to be pulled which absolutely crushed me as my smile is my best feature I feel. It took until December to get a flipper.
I am always misplacing it as I forget to take it out until I'm too tired to get it in it's case. On the day after Easter I couldn't find it again. My brother was getting married on Sunday and it was a big deal that I had it for pictures.
I couldn't find it for a couple of days as my bedroom needs to be de-cluttered. I prayed with everything I had and then after hours of searching I gave up and called Aspen Dental for an appointment.
I hung up the phone and was finishing getting ready for work. I reached into my jewelry bag for the necklace I was going to wear that day and on top of the necklace was my flipper. I stood stunned, amazed, and then burning with shame because I doubted and made the appointment to replace it.
So it was a blessing with a hard lesson attached.
I haven't learned however because I took my flipper out again last night and it's MIA. The other part of the lesson is about to be realized. I just praise God that He's a patient Father and longsuffering with his messy, irresponsible daughter. LOL