Today, I finally came to my place after a weekend of festivities with my friends and went to bed to cry.
Today, my heart is breaking.
After much discussion and after lots of prayer and seeking God and getting counsel from mentors and close friends, I am breaking ties with my parents.
To those who don’t know (actually, I think only two of you know because I do not discuss this with anyone)….I went through severe physical abuse done by my father for 11 years. To this day, the abuse is no longer physical but it is under control and making me feel guilty. There have been a few instances where my Dad has tried fighting me again the past few years, and I would tell him that I’m no longer going to let him lay his hands on me without me calling the police.
With that said, I am close to my brothers. So. Close. But, everyone has been blinded by the abuse. My mother and my brothers both have seen this abuse and even though God has restored things with my brothers, my Mom let things happen and blamed me every time my Dad would either punch me in the face…among other things.
There was a retirement dinner for my Mom today. A surprise one. I came home from my camping trip with friends, showered, put on makeup, and got a dress on. I went, socialized, was there for about an hour and a half and then started noticing the same old feelings of sadness wash over me.
I don’t usually feel sad, nor rejected, or like a black sheep. But going to a place where I am ignored, I’m just done. I decided to leave.
My mom tried talking to me about it, but I just politely refused and said, “I just need to go. So excited for your retirement and happy retirement! We’re all so happy for you.” I turned to my brother and tried waving and saying goodbye, and he shifted his eyes away from me and didn’t say anything to me.
My heart is breaking. I’m so scared of losing my relationship with my brothers. Not all of you might agree, but you don’t know all the details or the things that happened and continue to happen. I’ve never took care of myself.
I’m breaking ties for me to heal and for me to take care of myself. But, I’m scared of losing my relationship with Derek (my older brother) and youngest brother (Devon).
I’m crying in my bed, about to get ready to go out because I just can’t be by myself.
My heart is breaking.
My heart is sad.