Trying to get a grasp on my identity. It sways so much. Am I this? Am I that? I feel as if I have been many different people in my life. Took on different roles and identities because I wasn't sure which one is truly me. I find that as soon as I believe I found it, I run after it and embrace the thing that I feel is me. But still something stirs in me that questions, is this really me?
I am currently Arwen the reader and writer. But is that who I am? A part of me thinks that I am kidding myself, and this compulsion I have to be authentic and true to myself makes it all the more complicated. I desire greatly to know who I am, so I can live out who I am. I've been arwen, the sensitive good child, the rebellious adolescent, the grunge-girl, the sexual teenager, the ever-so-often church goer, the sorority girl, the one in love, the partier, the pot-smoker, the hypocrite, the anxious one terrified of having another seizure, the depressed one, the single girl, the prodigal son, the bible reader, the angry cynical christian, the christian university student, the psychology student, the counselor, the old single woman, the self-aware, the inspired one, the elitist, the snob, the Montreal girl, the writer and reader, the lost one.
I think the problem lies with the fact that I base my identity on my feelings because of their strength, and because I experience the world through my heart. But since feelings are always changing, I am also always changing.
4am thoughts.
(Please don't respond that I need to find my identity in God. If that's the only thing you got from what I wrote, then you haven't understood)