Today is June 7.
That was my wedding day, in 1997. I wonder if he still remembers, or if he ever told his second wife. I have literally forgotten my own birthday, but I almost always remember this day (there was one year out of 15 that I remembered the next day instead of the day of.) Everyone says, "Oh, you're so young, you have so much time, you'll find that someone in a few years," and here we are, 15 years later. When you can start talking about the time that's passed in decades, you've earned a few stripes and taken a few beatings.
For the past 3 days, I've been eating everything in sight (and then going to the store to get more.) I know everyone will say focus on Jesus--fill the void with God, but have you ever felt as if you feel like you have a case of Spiritual Bulimia? You've studied God's Word over and over and talked about God so much and attended church and praised and worshiped and sent out cards with care packages and gifts in service to other people and said all your thanks for every blessing and cried all your tears that you finally hit a point where it feels like if you take in anything more "spiritual", your soul will literally vomit? A case of both physical and spiritual bulimia.
Sometimes the emptiness, painful as it is, is strangely comfortable instead of the constant work of filling, filling, filling. It's so much easier to let the void eat away your entire being than get up yet again, trying to fill, fill, fill, only to be told to "try harder", "have more faith", and "focus more on Jesus."
I AM focused on Jesus. It's Him and I... as it has been for all these years. I've had plenty of time to walk outside the boat. So what if the water is always up to my nose, right? Everyone will say, "Just keep on walking."
(Just read the post... Lil, I am so sorry!!!!
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