The Banned Game

[Lanolin]

Rachel usually got fan mail from admirers
Often it was from other blonde little girls who wanted to know if they could use their hair to make a difference, just like she had. She inspired them to advertise shampoo.

Sunsilk, Timotei and Clairol all wanted Rachel as well but Pantene turned out to be the winner.

Rachel now had a lifetime supply of Pantene Treatment Shampoo.
Rachels recycle bin was always full of shampoo bottles.

She wrote back to them.

Dear Pantene

Thank you for the complimetary shampoo. But could you please also send me some conditioner?

Your faithful gal
Rach

 

[Lanolin]

The Shortland Street Florist got an order from Lionel to send a red rose every day to any patient or staff member named Kirsty Knight.

Lionel figured she might be working at her old receptionist job again and if she had amnesia it might trigger her memory. Or her co-workers would remember her.

Unfortunately, the florist couldnt send a red rose everyday because they were short on roses this season, especially red ones. We can do agapanthus though

Agapanthus? whats that?

The love flower. Agape meaning love and anthus meaning flower.

Everyday! remember! She cant have forgotten she loved me. I had amnesia too and I recovered.

No worries mate. Do you want to add a sprig of forget-me-nots as well?

Sure why not.

 

[Lanolin]

Look dear, the darling Lanolinlanders have sent me a gift, though its far too early to put under a tree.

Santa looked up from his lists. The naughty list was growing quite long, which was a worry.
He had just added Miss Jenny, whos crime was impersonating her famous sister, Miss Nee, and trying to imply she was mentally ill.

She had also tried to kill Miss Zipmouth, was dropped from her soap but didnt take a second chance on DEAD playing a bogan even though the opportunity was open to her. Instead shed tried to badmouth everyone including some quite innocent american politicians. Despite not even living there.

?!

Poor Miss Jenny. Well, like Young Moses she has a chance to redeem herself until the end of October.

Miss Ruby was able to do it, she forgave and let bygones be bygones.

Dame Edna opened the package. How sweet she said, Its a wedding gift from Miss Greenlips Hine. Vice President of Lanolinland.

What is it?

skin cream. Kawakawa? Must be a native plant of some sort. We must send her a thank you card.

 

[Lanolin]

Oh dear said Santa, theres something else

Miss Jenny ran over her sisters cat.

Poor Garfield.

It was probably an accident.

Santa wasnt so sure. Miss Jennys behaviour had been quite erratic lately. She seemed to be under a bad influence of some kind, not the sweet, kind girl everyone was used to seeing.

Its probably Young Charlie. He's never coming off the naughty list!

why, what did he do?

He kissed the girls and made them cry just like his ratbag brother, Georgie Porgie.

 

[jennymae]

“All rise!”

The Honorable Mr McLeisurely entered the courtroom. He was an old man now. What was left of his hair was combed over and made his appearance even more ancient than his long beard. His nose was so big that the clerk in front of him did not dare move her head in any direction fearing that it would create a rendezvous between the former and the latter.

The Honorable judge sat down. “In session!” he said in his raspy voice. For some reason he left out the word “court”.

The clerk cleared her voice. “The people vs Ms Lanolin, President of Lanolinland”.

Mr Wolf, the District Attorney, nodded when the clerk finished speaking.

“Objection, Your Honor”, Ms Lanolin’s attorney, Mr Diamondback, was on his feet holding a document in his hand, “This court has no jurisdiction over a sitting president from a foreign country”.

“Overruled!” the judge’s decision was swift and did not invite any debate.

The jury displayed little interest in the case. They were just a crowd of people not smart enough to avoid jury duty.

“Opening statements, Mr Wolf”, the judge said impatiently. Mr Wolf got up and strolled towards the jury.

He went through the preliminaries before he got down to business. “The prosecution has a solid case. The defendant has in the most heinous way slandered, defamed and degraded our beloved Empress to Santa’s naughty list. This is a felony under our legislation. Furthermore, the prosecution will prove this beyond a reasonable doubt. The witness list is long.”

“Mr Diamondback, Your opening statements, please”, the judge said.

The attorney sighed and walked over to the jury. “What we have here is a prosecution in a clear error. A foreign, sitting president is no subject to our courts. The case has no standing. Several cases show that. Even if the case had standing, it has no bearing. My client has a freedom of speech. Evidence will tear the prosecution’s case apart”.

“Very well, the first witness is Ms Jenny”, the judge went on…

 

[Lanolin]

The kiwis at Great Barrier Island Oranga Christian retreat were having a prayer meeting.

We need to to pray for poor Miss Jenny who's soul has been possessed by the devil - shes under the delusion she is an empress and rich when really she is poor and blind and naked - remember the Empresses new clothes? Invisible threads! it completely showed her undies.

Who's Miss Jenny? Shes not in our books.

The world famous Miss Jenny of Jennymaesia, have you been living under a rock?

No, just in the forest.

well she has asked for our prayers. Shes planning on coming to spend her honeymoon here.

What, is she crazy?

Yes, certified.

Kiwi Tahi was concerned. Are you sure Kiwi Rua?

Kiwi Toru said its nothing that a cup of kawakawa tea wont fix.

 

[Lanolin]

The Chippettes landed at Auckland airport and were chauffered to the Auckland Zoo Meerkat Mansions were they would be staying for the Farmers Santa Parade.

Brittany, the ringleader, was keen to paint the town pink. Eleanor wanted to check out where Lorde lived and Jeanette heard the fish and chips and icecream were even better across the ditch.

Lets go to the beach gals. Keisha was going to show them round.

Do you do any Supremes numbers? asked Keisha, fascinated. She wondered how Mrs Hairy was coping with the Chipmunks. Maybe they did The Temptations or at least Boyz II Men.

Ah no we dont really do Supremes said Brittany, tossing her fur. They're a bit...passe But we do Lady Gaga

Keisha was surprised. Wasnt that a bit too raunchy for the under 12s in the santa parade?

Oh no said Brittany...its satire. We make fun of adult humans. The kids love it.

 

[Lanolin]

Charles I mean John Grisham seems to be enjoying his new role ---

Miss GREENLIPS HINE! What did I tell you about daytime soap operas!

Ok ok

She turned the Lanovision off. I dont know how they got on the Bold and Beautiful . It seemed like Rachels ending just moved them on to another soap. I thought they both died in a helicopter crash over Shittimstan!

Miss Greenlips Hine made a mental note to get in touch with Rachel about that. At least they didnt end up on Shortland Street. They would have totally ruined the show with their unintelligible faux american/british accents.

Mrs Olive sighed. President Lanolin says you need to look after your underwater forest. She'll let you have Oceans and fisheries ministry if you watch that instead of that trailer trash MTV.

Deal?

Deal said Miss Greenlips Hine.

Mrs Olive gave her the card. I suppose I will have to find another to partner to replace you.

Oh no I still want to judge the Lanolinland Picture Book Awards! At least let me have the Vanity category.
Sorry Miss Greenlips Hine, its already been decided. Anyway Baby Jade is going to do it.

Does President Lanolin know?

Silly question! Of course she knows! She knows everything!

 

[Lanolin]

It wasnt me its him! He's your daddy!

 

[Lanolin]

The islands of Lanolinland were protected from all intruders and pests, but did offer a safe haven for refugees and those with working visas. It also offered chipmunks playgrounds.

Miss Zipmouth found adjusting to Lanolinland wasnt so difficult after all. After all she had been through snowball hell in Antarctica, and escaped the jaws of Rubylands crocs, rose from the DEAD at Evereverland and now she was safely ensconced on the most top rated show in Lanolinland, bar Country Calendar.

She felt like joyously singing the National Anthem, and tasting all the Lanolinland foods, and wearing a tshirt that said I Lanolinland

Baby Jade had free books, and they never had to watch tv when she was ON TV itself (even though she was mute)

And every day, agapanthus flowers showed up at her door. Rachel kept getting them at reception too.

Remember me? the note always said. She didnt know who this mysterious admirer was, but he sure had a lot of flowers.

 

[shittim]

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[Moses_Young]

Banning Shittim for publishing more interesting fake-news than Lanolin. (Also more honest!)

 

[shittim]

ouch!

These brainy people use words I have to look up!

 

[Moses_Young]

Poor Miss Jenny. Well, like Young Moses she has a chance to redeem herself until the end of October.

Miss Ruby was able to do it, she forgave and let bygones be bygones.

The Great Chieftain forgives Lanolin in a bid to redeem himself before the end of October... and bans Shittim for being a sook!

 

[Lanolin]

On Great Barrier Island Kiwi Rua had noticed that someone had changed the church sign from ORAMA CHRISTIAN RETREAT to ORANGA CHRISTIAN RETREAT

Its those blimmin' cheeky wekas! They always pulling pranks like this. No wonder we getting calls from the crazies..they think they can just dump their unwanted bubbas here.

Well said Kiwi Tahi, at least they didnt change the letters to OBAMA CHRISTIAN RETREAT or we'll be getting a bunch of North Americans.

Kiwi Toru said she was just going to change the sign to RANGIMARIE, and if people didnt know what that meant they could just look it up.

 

[Lanolin]

Mrs Hairy wanted to adopt the Chipmunks. They were adorable, especially when they serenaded her with R&B ballads.

 

[Lanolin]

Charlotte the harlot!

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie!

Louis louis!

The Windsors were squabbling again. It had taken forever to get to Evereverland, and they were getting restless and hungry.

I could eat a giant pineapple lump said George. Can we stop at that big pineapple?

Dad was regretting embarking on this Family Fun Australian Adventure as he was at first gung ho about driving in the outback without royal protection officers, just to prove he could look after his own family instead of roping in others to do it. He also wanted to impress his wife. But Kate was looking far from impressed at his driving skills and was now backseat driving because SHE had been here before and knew the way.

How about we stop at Hungry Jacks? suggested Father William

No Pineapple! squealed Louis. Pineapple pineapple pineapple!

I think he wants pineapple said Charlotte the voice of reason.

Kate had a bad feeling about this Big Pineapple.

 

[jennymae]

“…so help me God?”

“I do.” Miss Jenny said.

“Prosecution’s witness”, the Honorable old man addressed Mr Wolf.

“Say, Ms Jenny, what’s Your full name?” Mr Wolf asked. “Ehm…umm…Jenny-Mae Williams, sir,” she lowered her head. “And Your address?” “Umm…Evergreen, Alabama, sir,” her voice was hardly audible. “What’s Your occupation?” She kept her head down. “Umm…eh…clerk at the local Walmart, sir”.

“How do you know the defendant?” Ms Jenny. “Mmm…she’s my neighbor, you know,” Ms Jenny didn’t look up. “Is she here today?” Ms Jenny slowly turned her head to have a glance at Ms Lanolin. “Yes, sir”.

Mr Wolf read something from a piece of paper. “It says here that Ms Lanolin have been badmouthing you through the “Greenville Advocate”?

“Objection”, Your Honor, “the defendant has only been participating in a fun game between herself, two others and Ms Jenny, and then Ms Jenny couldn’t produce a comeback and wanted to press charges”.

“Mr Wolf?” the judge wanted his opinion on the objection. “This is not about emotions, but what is clearly factual and displayed for anyone to read and also is beyond what the letter of the law allows”, Mr Wolf then said.

“The objection is overruled”, the Honorable Mr McLesisurely ruled.

The judge then ordered the attorneys to approach the bench.

“Now, it’s clear to me that this is a clash between people who have too much time on their hands. They have both participated in this and should be able to sort it out by themselves. Maybe some of the stuff has challenged the letter of the law, but unlikely has it challenged its spirit. Make these clowns shake hands or I’ll hold y’all all in contempt!” the judge said angrily.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny wasn’t able to shake the aftermath of her nightmares away. She had dreamed that she was in a courtroom where Ms Lanolin was the defendant and she was the victim of a crime, and then the judge had thrown the case out. The worst part, though, was that she was acting like a shy crybaby in the dream. Maybe she ought to make some harsh decisions today to sort of prove that she wasn’t a crybaby? After dreaming about that cranky old judge she loathed judges. If she fired 30-40 of them she would most likely be feeling better. Also she would put out a rumor saying that Ms Lanolin had to use a teleprompter every time she said something…and that SHE was secretly having an affair with another well known user of teleprompters. What a nice day this would turn out to be anyways. She got up and smiled to the reflection of her face in the mirror.

 

[Lanolin]

When the Windsors arrived at the Big Pineapple there was a long queue. They had to park in a huge carpark far and WALK to the entrance. Dad had gotten there late and the carpark was full so they had to park a mile away.

George was not impressed. Cant we just jump to the head of the queue? Im third in line to the throne.

Dont those people know who we are? asked Charlotte, used to queue jumping and being adored.

Louis clung to his mother repeating pineapple pineapple pineapple all the way.

Kate was wondering why nobody was photographing her. Everyone was ignoring her and taking photos of that stupid Big Pineappple. Its ugly and yellow. She sniffed.