The Banned Game

[Lanolin]

Baby Jade still didnt have enough teeth to eat a kids pizza so Aunty Rachel got out her old bulimibaby machine and whizzed the pineapple pizza up into mush.

She also made some conditioner for her hair using the eggs shed collected from the backyard, the kiwis were laying.

Its great having Aunty Rachel, said Miss Zipmouth.

Maybe we'll have an Uncle Chris? teased Keisha. She had bought the Chippettes to stay for a few days for the santa parade.

They were havign a grand old time, and the Chippettes really liked Mrs Hairy's picture book about the guinea pigs. It was the furriest of the lot.

Miss Zipmouth thought the picture books of Moses were too violent and it distrurbed her. But she laughed when reading I need a New Bum.

It reminded her of Miss BumBum she wondered how she was doing. But then she thought better of it. I dont really need to know, that was my old life. I hope shes happy with her bogan boyfriend. I dont care anyway cos Mr Right loves me. She admired the agapanthus that was all around the flat.

Baby Jade ate the mushed up pizza.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Dolly looked at her nails. They were growing long and curly again. She decided she would visit the Blackboard Nail salon again but found out that it had changed hands and was no longer the Blackboard Nail Salon.

Instead it was called the Whiteboard Nail Salon and they had put their prices up.

MIss Dolly had an important decision to make. Would she go into the Whiteboard Nail Salon or would she let her nails grow long and enter them into the Guinness Book of Records?

 

[Lanolin]

Pineapple Pineapple Pinneaple! Louis kept repeating. Kate the Great was sick of pineapples but she didnt let it show and kept plastering a fake smile on her face showing off her dazzling white teeth.

They were not going to let her in, and were charging an insane amount just for a photo!

No cheap shot, these useless photographers!

The cashier saw Louis and asked how old he was. Kids get in free doll.

Charlotte heard. We get in free mama! Except YOU have to pay!

George and Charlotte both raced into the entrance, leaving their pa and ma behind, holding Louis who was screaming pineapple pineapple pineapple!

 

[Lanolin]

King Charles was sitting comfortably on his throne that Camilla had got reupholstered.

She was also massaging his feet. It was now a Royal Lazy King chair.

Ah, I can relax now. Son Willie is off in Oztralia, and My spare is still hiding in his Canadian Igloo, and all is right with the world. We have our Highgrove estate all to ourselves dear Gladys.

Fred, Im sorry to be a pain but I have bad news. The pigeons have informed me that Empress Ruby wants to buy our Loch Ness Monster. Shes offering quite a bit.

What? I never put Nessie up for sale! This is preposterous! Tell the pigeons Nessie belongs to ME! And have them poo all over her palace just to make the message clear!

 

[Lanolin]

Sir Peter was putting the final touches on It Came from Mosestaria for the premiere at the International Horror Film Festival.

One of his wetas informed Sir Peter that they had an order to make another monster, called the Messie, and their anonymous client was offering big bucks for it.

The Messie?

Like Nessie but more Messie. This monster messes up everything in its path.

Can we recycle old Smeagol or Smaug?

No, this client wants more of a Barney type monster.

 

[Lanolin]

What are we going to do, asked Kate the Great through her clenched teeth fake smile. Louis kept repeating pineapple, and hubby William had no cash.

Or he was reluctant to pay. It was the PRINCIPLE of the thing. He was a bloody ROYAL for God's sake!

Those photographers are sharks. Give'em what they want Kate. You know you still got it.

Kate started removing her clothes.

 

[Lanolin]

Baz decided he was going to need more fuel for his burning bush scene. Great Barry R Island seemed like a good place to shoot it, and it would be a cheap shot cos nobody really lived there except a couple of bogans with a baby alive doll they called 'Bubba'.

He figured he could use them in a scene. The Boganette could play Zipporah and her deadbeat boyfriend could play Moshe. He would blank out their faces and CGI in better ones.

He decided to ask them if they had any spare petrol. He looked around at the place, it was full of rusty old cars and tyres. Perfect. He selected a gum tree to be his starter.

 

[Lanolin]

Kevin was busy organising the FIFA womans world cup. He had several teams coming to play from all over the world, but he noticed that Rubyland had not entered. Thats odd, usally they are the first to enter into a competitive sport against the Lanolinlanders. Maybe they dont have enough women to play? we know the Mosetarians are useless, they dont have any women they havent locked up and thrown away the key.

What about a team from Jennymaesia?

Kevin wasnt sure if the Jennymaesians even knew how to play the game. Last time they had unsuitable footwear. Their stilettos kept sinking in the mud and it was dangerous.

I need your help President Lanolin.

What can I do? Im quite busy at the moment organising National Gardening week. Everyone is going to be planting a ring of agapanthus around the Beehive. The bees will love it.

Oh we will need someone to talk to the Rubylanders, and get their act together for a team otherwise the FIFA will be a bust.

Maybe just tell them if they dont play the Evereverlanders will represent them and they will surely lose.

 

[Lanolin]

Madame Doubtfire knew if Dame Edna bought that expensive baby from Africa then Santa Claus would surely found out and it would all be over. She was not willing to risk the Pineapple Theatre going under just so they could have a child star.

Fortunately, Madame Doubtfire had found that Miss Bumbum was willing to sell her bubba on Gumtree.
And her price was much cheaper, and even better, her Bubba was a boy.

They had even officially named him Bubba, so it would be easy to just tweak the name to Bubba Yaga on the marquee.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine was watching her underwater kelp forest grow. The Red Beanies had set up the Lanovision so that if anybody was spying on Lanolinland all they would see was a forest of bull kelp. And if they tried to fly their eagle clones over the islands everything was protected by forest cover where the moas and kiwis made their homes.

I supoose people that spy on each other have got nothing better to do, or maybe they just havent tuned into Shortland Street. Her new friends Miss Bluebell and Miss Tailfeather agreed. They had come from a land where they lived with no cover and they were an easy target for rednecks. Miss Bluebell said that she couldnt walk down the street without a bullet snaking past and Miss Tailfeather said she wasnt even allowed to speak her own langauge.

Miss Greenlips Hine was horrified. She supposed she had grown up too sheltered and had taken her homeland for granted. But now she had swapped her ministry card and was no longer doing justice, there was nothing she could do about their problems. Except brew another kawakawa tea.

 

[Lanolin]

The transmissions on the spyvision jammed. It was overloaded with Lanovision programs.

MTV was knocked out, so was The View, and Dame Edna Everests experience. The Bold and the Beautiful broke down. Australians Hottests Bogans also failed to air.
The Clones were deleted, even Miss Ruby's laptop netflix got eaten up.

There were a lot of complaints from those who were not Lanolinlanders about this but nothing could be done to fix their trash tv.

They just had to glue their eyes to something else.

Miss Goodbooks was pleased. Maybe they'll all come to the library instead. Mrs Hairy is going to give a reading of her new book and sign copies.

 

[Lanolin]

Mrs Hairy's reading was for very tactile experience. She invited everyone to read her book by running their fingers over the pages. For most people it was the first time they had ever touched a book in their lives. Fortunately, on every page she had a furry guinea pig.

some non-readers accused Miss Goodbooks of being an intellectual snob, but she just laughed and directed them to the Jane Austen section

 

[Lanolin]

The guinea pig hackers uncovered a rogue virus that had infected the Rubyland network. It was coming from one of her apps Morty had placed on her laptop. Instead of 'Twitter' it was putting out spam called 'Twister' and the 'tweets' were instead coming out as orange twisties.

It seemed to have affected Miss Jenny's spy-o-vision as well, making everything she saw distorted and in black and white instead of in glorious colour. It was also adding strange words she did not have in her vocabulary.

Lanolinland now could not receive any foreign correspondence as it could not get past their kelp forest firewall (or rather, waterwall) , the only way anyone could communicate with the Lanolinlanders was by secret code and sign language.

The Mosetarians were baffled. What has happened? Will this affect our SSSS supply They wanted to continue playing Fortnite against the Rubylanders but found they could not. Was it GAME OVER?

It seemed only the Shittimstanians could solve the puzzle.

 

[Ruby123]

The purple creature slowly emerged his whole head out of the water and both Morty and Miss Ruby were delighted.

“Look Morty, it’s him” she said excitedly. Morty just stared stunned and speechless. “Lets throw the chicken in and see if he likes it” Miss Ruby continued. And so they hurled the large bird perfectly roasted with an array of herbs and spices towards the LM, who skilfully captured it in his mouth. He chewed it slowly and Miss Ruby and Morty heard the crunching of bones. Morty looked horrified but Miss Ruby was thrilled that he liked what he was eating.

“Morty you did it” Miss Ruby said hugging again her handsome companion. The creature smiled at Miss Ruby and Morty and opened his mouth wide indicating to them that he wanted more. Miss Ruby then had to explain to the creature that they had no more chicken on board but if he were to follow them to the Ruby triangle he would have an endless supply of them. The creature nodded his head and followed the boat back to Rubyland.

However on the way, Miss Ruby heard some speedboats approaching. Driving a red speed boat was none other than Miss Ruby’s greatest enemy the Chieftan.

“Oh no, it’s the Chieftan “ Miss Ruby announced to Morty. “How did he even know we were here?”

 

[shittim]

Meanwhile, in Shittimistan, more chickens are being raised by an expert............

 

[Moses_Young]

The speed boats were unusually fast. Even Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland was secretly impressed by how fast the reddest of the speedboats was navigated, and how skillfully its captain encircled the Loch Ness Monster in tighter and tighter loops. On seeing the monster's appreciation of the chicken, the people on the speed boats also started throwing objects at the purple creature.

"What are they throwing, Morty?" Miss Ruby asked her companion. Morty slowly lowered his binoculars. "I think it's a Mosestarian delicacy," he replied. "Antarctica fried cat."

"Antarctica fried cat?" asked Miss Ruby, with a hint of surprise in her voice. "I didn't know there was such a food."

"Oh yes," explained Morty. "I have never cared for it myself, but AFC is very popular in Mosestaria. Apparently, it was invented by a Great Mosestarian Chieftain one time when he was exiled to Antarctica for a spell, while his country was under attack and/or otherwise occupied. Hence the name. The right herbs and spices seemed to make the fried kitty more... palatable. However, all the good Mosestarian parents never let their children eat it. Very fattening and unhealthy."

"Well, that's not good!" exclaimed Miss Ruby. Apart from her disdain at the Mosestarian practice of using cats as a source of nutrion, she also was unhappy that the intruders were feeding her potential guard-beast something that likely was going to give it high cholesterol, and she could only imagine how much the vets were going to charge to address such a condition... She also noted with frustration that the speedboats had succeeded in luring the creature away from its Eden Island oriented direction, and that its course had deviated southward.

"We must stop them!" Miss Ruby exclaimed indignantly. "We can't let them steal our Loch Ness Monster!"

"I'm trying, Miss Ruby," explained her companion, "but our boat just can't keep up with their speedboats. They're too fast!"

Miss Ruby and Morty watched in frustration as the people on the speedboats continually fed the ugly purple creature more and more AFC, and as it in turn followed them on a southerly trajectory into the horizon.

"How many fried cats can one fit on such a small speedboat?" Miss Ruby asked annoyed.

"I don't think it matters, Miss Ruby," explained Morty. "The creature probably believes - based on its first impressions - that it will receive even more AFC in Antarctica than it would receive delicious chicken on Eden Island, so has made its choice based on the size of its hunger."

Miss Ruby's eyes narrowed angrily. The Great Chieftain of Mosestaria was going to need a faster speedboat than that, if he thought he was going to get away with this outrage.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny watched the spy channel with great interest. It was like watching a game when Ms Ruby and the Chieftain both tried to get the monster. She shivered. Never would she even get near something as ugly as that thing. Imagine what any link between her and the monster would mean for business? “Jenny’s haute couture outfits only loved by monsters” or “Monstrous Money Making Monster Makes Mega Mall Mediocre”.

 

[Lanolin]

President Lanolin went outside the Beehive to plant some agapanthus.
It was National agapanthus planting day and she had organised 1000 agapanthus to be planted all around the beehive in a giant ring.

The beehive workers were helping her. Miss Tailfeather and Miss Bluebell had never gardened before but now they had come to Lanolinland they were getting their hands right into it. Miss Bluebell said she had never had green fingers but she was quite enjoying it. Most of her clients back in Dixieland never even touched a collard green. Miss Tailfeather said that the agapanthus would make great pom poms. Back in Dixieland they had cheerleeders but she was never asked to join a squad because she wasnt tall and blonde.

Miss Greenlips Hine said if you come to my Marae I will teach you some kapahaka and how to make kawakawa tea. Also we can make pois out of old plastic bags. Miss Tailfeather was very interested as she was into weaving.

Mrs Olive planted two olive trees outside the entrance to the Beehive, and Kevin planted two cabbage trees. As well as agapanthus around the President Lanolin was putting up hanging baskets of spider plants inside the Beehive. For fresh air, she said, plus spider plants are tough and dont need a lot of watering.

In the shady area, she also planted a feathery ring of hen and chickens ferns.
buck buck buck said the chickens who were scratching for worms and fertilising the garden

Whats that? said Lanolin.

buck buck buck

yummy?

buck buck buck

Im glad you like it.

The chickens were enjoying the garden and eating the bugs. Now that dogs were banned on Lanolinland, a law that had recently come into effect, the birdlife was flourishing. Everyone could now have a chicken to lay fresh eggs, and kiwis were making a comeback, as everyone wanted them as pets.

 

[Lanolin]

Back on Shortland Street, Dr Chris Warner was getting ready for his third date with Rachel and he was nervous.
He was still deeply in love with Rachel, but if she didnt know by now he would lose his chance.

He planned his strategy at the IV with Lionel as they discussed it over a beer.

The aggies are getting her attention but Im not sure that she knows just how much I love her. I am sending them to her everyday.

Lionel thought for a bit. Best Buds, the florist, had a two for one deal and now his mate Dr Warner was taking advantage of the offer.

You need to do something extra she'll never forget. said Lionel. I would not have lost Kirsty if she hadnt had amnesia.

Perhaps I make up a special hospital bed for her? I could call it Rachel's ward. I could ask the staff to put special linen on it. Instead of the usual boring hospital colours, it could have flowers on it.

But how will you get her into bed?

Dr Chris Warner thought for a bit. She likes running. Maybe on our third date we can go for another run, but it will be longer. she'll get so tired out she'll collapse and want a lie down on the bed. I will bring her a cup of cold water. When she wakes up after a nap, she'll see me. I will listen to her heart and then she'll be in love with me.

hmm could work. Although I am not making too much headway with Miss Zipmouth.

? How many dates have you been on?

Well since shes come to Lanolinland none. Shes been too busy with Baby Jade and her books

hmm I cant help you there mate. Besides if Kirsty does turn up, what will you do about Miss Zipmouth?

 

[Lanolin]

Charlotte and George were having a grand old time at the Big Pineapple without their parents. They had snuck in for free while their parents had been stuck in the queue entrance arguing over the admission.

wow look at that Big pineapple. I bet you couldnt climb to the top George, you're such a wuss.

Who's a wuss...you are! Your it!

George tagged Charlotte and raced out of sight. When Charlotte caught up with him he was swinging on a swing chair in the shade of some banana palms. They then spotted a carriage that was all by itself on a disused rail track.

Beside it was a golden plaque. Charlotte, who was good at reading, read what was on it. What, this is grandads carriage? They came here in 1983? She did the math. Daddy was one year old? George look! It belongs to us!

Meh I dont want an old carriage. Im claiming the Big Pineapple as my own.