Was I “playing games?” If so, how do I not?

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ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
6,194
1,304
113
29
Arizona
#1
I was accused of “playing games” by a gentleman that I was talking to online. I am making this thread not in order to vent or defend myself, but to genuinely ask those of both genders if it did seem to you that I had. And if so, I would totally love advice on how to not do that. Ways I could have been more straight-forward, more sincere, ect.

Ok so here is the scenario: the gentleman and I had spoken first on a dating site very lightly, then later on another app. We were barely on the “what do you do for fun, are you a Christian” side of the conversation. I asked him how he felt about drinking and smoking and the like, and then it came to living together. It was made very plain and he had a son, but I know of several folks who had children and then afterwards made a pledge to purity until they got married after that. I thought that may be the case.

When I asked what his opinion was on cohabitating before marriage, he said he had in the past but he didn’t know. Since his stance was flimsy, right at that moment I told him I believed in purity before marriage so that would probably mean we’d not be compatible romantically. He asked if I was no longer interested, and I said no but I left the option open to definitely still being friends. At this he said he had “no time for games” and that I knew he had a son. Sadly before I could explain what I meant, he blocked me in both.

Is there something I should have done different?
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
32,789
10,719
113
65
Florida
#2
Sounds as if he was more serious than just being friends. Don't see how you could've done anything different. Not sure if his stance was actually flimsy though as he may have actually considered and appreciated your point of view if given the chance. You were right in stating up front what was acceptable and what was not regarding romantic relationships.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,450
1,525
113
#3
I was accused of “playing games” by a gentleman that I was talking to online. I am making this thread not in order to vent or defend myself, but to genuinely ask those of both genders if it did seem to you that I had. And if so, I would totally love advice on how to not do that. Ways I could have been more straight-forward, more sincere, ect.

Ok so here is the scenario: the gentleman and I had spoken first on a dating site very lightly, then later on another app. We were barely on the “what do you do for fun, are you a Christian” side of the conversation. I asked him how he felt about drinking and smoking and the like, and then it came to living together. It was made very plain and he had a son, but I know of several folks who had children and then afterwards made a pledge to purity until they got married after that. I thought that may be the case.

When I asked what his opinion was on cohabitating before marriage, he said he had in the past but he didn’t know. Since his stance was flimsy, right at that moment I told him I believed in purity before marriage so that would probably mean we’d not be compatible romantically. He asked if I was no longer interested, and I said no but I left the option open to definitely still being friends. At this he said he had “no time for games” and that I knew he had a son. Sadly before I could explain what I meant, he blocked me in both.

Is there something I should have done different?

I don't see that you did anything wrong, but I can understand how it might be confusing for some people with a dating mindset to understand the whole "we can't date but we can be friends" schpeel. Best advice I've got is shake this one off and chalk it up to experience, and next time I wouldn't try to soften the blow of rejection with an offer to just be friends. While friendship is a great thing, if someone is looking to start a romantic relationship, it seems counter productive to put relational energy into forming new friendships with members of the opposite sex that you've decided you aren't going to be romantically compatible with. If he had been more of a gentleman, he could have asked you why you wanted to be friends, what you were hoping to gain from such a friendship, or exactly what that would look like. And I imagine that if you had to spell out and define the specifics together you would have both agreed that friendship wasn't really going to be a viable option.
 

BlessedByGod

Well-known member
Sep 28, 2019
8,570
4,840
113
#4
I was accused of “playing games” by a gentleman that I was talking to online. I am making this thread not in order to vent or defend myself, but to genuinely ask those of both genders if it did seem to you that I had. And if so, I would totally love advice on how to not do that. Ways I could have been more straight-forward, more sincere, ect.

Ok so here is the scenario: the gentleman and I had spoken first on a dating site very lightly, then later on another app. We were barely on the “what do you do for fun, are you a Christian” side of the conversation. I asked him how he felt about drinking and smoking and the like, and then it came to living together. It was made very plain and he had a son, but I know of several folks who had children and then afterwards made a pledge to purity until they got married after that. I thought that may be the case.

When I asked what his opinion was on cohabitating before marriage, he said he had in the past but he didn’t know. Since his stance was flimsy, right at that moment I told him I believed in purity before marriage so that would probably mean we’d not be compatible romantically. He asked if I was no longer interested, and I said no but I left the option open to definitely still being friends. At this he said he had “no time for games” and that I knew he had a son. Sadly before I could explain what I meant, he blocked me in both.

Is there something I should have done different?
From what little we know about what happened, it sounds like you were blessed to dodge a bullet. Dust off your feet and move on...🙂
 
J

Jenny23

Guest
#5
Nah. Don’t let it bother you. Definitely good to nip that in the bud.
 
Nov 1, 2019
33
47
18
Cardiff, South Wales
#6
You did nothing wrong Steph. Seriously. The world of Christian internet dating is filled with some real gems🙄

Your stance is commendable and to be honest, it sounded like he was trying to hedge his bets with the purity thing.

Forget it and move on sis👍
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
1,693
1,600
113
#7
I was accused of “playing games” by a gentleman that I was talking to online. I am making this thread not in order to vent or defend myself, but to genuinely ask those of both genders if it did seem to you that I had. And if so, I would totally love advice on how to not do that. Ways I could have been more straight-forward, more sincere, ect.

Ok so here is the scenario: the gentleman and I had spoken first on a dating site very lightly, then later on another app. We were barely on the “what do you do for fun, are you a Christian” side of the conversation. I asked him how he felt about drinking and smoking and the like, and then it came to living together. It was made very plain and he had a son, but I know of several folks who had children and then afterwards made a pledge to purity until they got married after that. I thought that may be the case.

When I asked what his opinion was on cohabitating before marriage, he said he had in the past but he didn’t know. Since his stance was flimsy, right at that moment I told him I believed in purity before marriage so that would probably mean we’d not be compatible romantically. He asked if I was no longer interested, and I said no but I left the option open to definitely still being friends. At this he said he had “no time for games” and that I knew he had a son. Sadly before I could explain what I meant, he blocked me in both.

Is there something I should have done different?
I know it is hard, but chatting to someone online, is part of the "due diligence" phase of things, not the "let's pick out a china pattern!" phase. His response was defensive. It was a "for the record, I didn't fail. It was your fault", but it was never meant to be a power struggle. I was once involved with someone who interpreted any opinion, that did not completely agree with his, as a rejection of him. I was raised that ideas were to be shared, debated and explored. We respected what other people brought to the table. Heaven help you if you tried to bring an opinion to my dad and you had nothing to back it up! I was not prepared for someone who found other ideas threatening. I have a feeling that this gentleman is a little thin skinned and may have made you take on the burden of making sure to never upset him. In fairness I haven't met him but he also never met you. For him to jump to a negative conclusion, or at least make a negative accusation towards you, tells you things that were important to know. He already had you doubting yourself. Huge red flag. You were under no obligation to "be the one". You didn't waste his time. Bless your gentle heart. His attitude reflects no one but himself.
 
L

LittleMermaid

Guest
#8
I think this guy was just looking for an easy hookup. When he realized you weren't falling for his schemes, he checked out. You dodged a bullet, sis!
There are many many wolves in sheep's clothing. Be careful. :)
 

morefaithrequired

Well-known member
Sep 28, 2019
2,194
1,258
113
#9
I was accused of “playing games” by a gentleman that I was talking to online. I am making this thread not in order to vent or defend myself, but to genuinely ask those of both genders if it did seem to you that I had. And if so, I would totally love advice on how to not do that. Ways I could have been more straight-forward, more sincere, ect.

Ok so here is the scenario: the gentleman and I had spoken first on a dating site very lightly, then later on another app. We were barely on the “what do you do for fun, are you a Christian” side of the conversation. I asked him how he felt about drinking and smoking and the like, and then it came to living together. It was made very plain and he had a son, but I know of several folks who had children and then afterwards made a pledge to purity until they got married after that. I thought that may be the case.

When I asked what his opinion was on cohabitating before marriage, he said he had in the past but he didn’t know. Since his stance was flimsy, right at that moment I told him I believed in purity before marriage so that would probably mean we’d not be compatible romantically. He asked if I was no longer interested, and I said no but I left the option open to definitely still being friends. At this he said he had “no time for games” and that I knew he had a son. Sadly before I could explain what I meant, he blocked me in both.

Is there something I should have done different?
From what you have related he is a scoundrel. (similar to me in the past)
Youve set your boundaries, laid your cards on the table and he didnt like it. Hence his weak response. Move on.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
8,477
3,116
113
#10
Um..maybe just not go on a dating site? Its probably his problem that hes been playing some elses affections or been the victim of such and got tired of it.

Nothing to do with you. Dont take it personally. If you just chatting about stuff its not like you going to be moving in with them or even seeing them if you dont want to.

The dating sites can be a bit overwhelming if you get hundreds of messages a day or something all asking you quite personal stuff. I dont know I dont go on them..got more important things to do!
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
16,384
3,833
113
#11
I just love it when people deliver a scathing parting shot, then block you so you can't reply. That is the "whatever!" of the internet world, the reply you give when you know you are going to lose the argument so you want to end it before you officially lose.
 

spunkycat08

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#12
Would you want to be the consolation prize?

This is how it feels when you are turned down for a date, but the the person who turned you down offers friendship instead.
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
1,693
1,600
113
#13
Would you want to be the consolation prize?

This is how it feels when you are turned down for a date, but the the person who turned you down offers friendship instead.
I understand what you are saying. It doesn't feel good to not make the cut but my perspective on this situation is that she wasn't rejecting him as much as realizing that they were not a match. In the beginning, with online, all you have to go by is a photo and a few things they choose to say about themselves. As you start to write back and forth, you see if you are compatible. If one person is a grill master who loves to watch sports all weekend and the other is a vegan who love whale songs, refuses to own a TV and is a yogi, you might not have a match. I don't see it as a rejection, but as a mutual conclusion of different lifestyles. When I was online I had a fellow contact me and all his photos showed his love for cycling. It was his passion. That is great but it is not something I could do more that a short spin around the park. The most important thing was he didn't identify as a Christian. I'm creative and he was business. He was probably a nice enough person but there was no reason to begin a discussion. I am so glad that Steph saw things as they were, rather than closing her eyes and saying, "This will do", when it just wasn't the right match from the start. It was the right thing for both of them. His reaction showed a lack of maturity and was not that of a gentleman. He lacked, as evidenced by his actions, the self discipline to be gracious. That matters.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,110
2,303
113
#14
Steph, I believe you did the right thing by stating early your conviction.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
15,152
8,232
113
#15
I was accused of “playing games” by a gentleman that I was talking to online. I am making this thread not in order to vent or defend myself, but to genuinely ask those of both genders if it did seem to you that I had. And if so, I would totally love advice on how to not do that. Ways I could have been more straight-forward, more sincere, ect.

Ok so here is the scenario: the gentleman and I had spoken first on a dating site very lightly, then later on another app. We were barely on the “what do you do for fun, are you a Christian” side of the conversation. I asked him how he felt about drinking and smoking and the like, and then it came to living together. It was made very plain and he had a son, but I know of several folks who had children and then afterwards made a pledge to purity until they got married after that. I thought that may be the case.

When I asked what his opinion was on cohabitating before marriage, he said he had in the past but he didn’t know. Since his stance was flimsy, right at that moment I told him I believed in purity before marriage so that would probably mean we’d not be compatible romantically. He asked if I was no longer interested, and I said no but I left the option open to definitely still being friends. At this he said he had “no time for games” and that I knew he had a son. Sadly before I could explain what I meant, he blocked me in both.

Is there something I should have done different?
I think you did just fine. It appears to me that he didn't want to be "just friends", which I completely understand. I avoid "making friends" on dating sites; I'm not there for that purpose, and I don't want a future gf (or perhaps wife) to question why I have female "friends" from dating sites. I would not be comfortable with her having male friends from dating sites; it just looks wrong.

I wouldn't worry about him blocking you. I suggest the Edison approach to dating; before successfully inventing the light bulb, he failed many thousands of times. When asked about it, he allegedly said, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” The relationship that works for you will make the other "failures" irrelevant, and you may find you're thankful that they didn't work. :)
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,185
1,802
113
#16
I was accused of “playing games” by a gentleman that I was talking to online. I am making this thread not in order to vent or defend myself, but to genuinely ask those of both genders if it did seem to you that I had. And if so, I would totally love advice on how to not do that. Ways I could have been more straight-forward, more sincere, ect.

Ok so here is the scenario: the gentleman and I had spoken first on a dating site very lightly, then later on another app. We were barely on the “what do you do for fun, are you a Christian” side of the conversation. I asked him how he felt about drinking and smoking and the like, and then it came to living together. It was made very plain and he had a son, but I know of several folks who had children and then afterwards made a pledge to purity until they got married after that. I thought that may be the case.

When I asked what his opinion was on cohabitating before marriage, he said he had in the past but he didn’t know. Since his stance was flimsy, right at that moment I told him I believed in purity before marriage so that would probably mean we’d not be compatible romantically. He asked if I was no longer interested, and I said no but I left the option open to definitely still being friends. At this he said he had “no time for games” and that I knew he had a son. Sadly before I could explain what I meant, he blocked me in both.

Is there something I should have done different?
Only thing to do differently is not use the "stay friends" option. Women are obsessed with "staying friends". You didn't even know this guy.
Otherwise perhaps state on your profile your lifestyle choices that may run contrary to commonly acceptable practices.
As far as "playing games" I'd not worry. It's online dating. People play games and it's probably become his default response.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
8,477
3,116
113
#17
If you just looking for friends go on a friending site. I think there was one that was called oldfriends. I dont know if its still going. Maybe they changed the name to newfriends.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
1,445
993
113
#18
hmm, I am considering this option myself. Possibly at some point...as I don't really want to be 29 without at least some legitimate potentials. Or to at least say I've given it a fair shot before I complain and become melancholy again.



I think it wise to not be too hasty with responses...take a break, pray about your response but don't compromise on something that is clearly unscriptural. At the same time recognize that considering the whole of scripture there are ALWAYS going to be areas of immaturity that we need to grow in and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt "for a time".

There are people that deliberately misrepresent themselves based off some ideal image they have in mind of who they could be or want to be and present this image as reality and that's also something to watch out for. It's likely that we have all done this at some point unintentionally, as we are still growing in who we are in the Lord.


Cohabitation is something that I'm rigidly opposed to but at the same time it's kind of a hard one. I would pry quite a bit into why they think it's ok and go from there. Provide alternative solutions to distance, money, inconvenience. If all these are rejected then it would probably give me a clearer picture.


Anyway, ty for sharing...moves me a little further in my own quest.
 

Princesse

Active member
Feb 16, 2020
259
123
43
#19
You met him on a dating site and began interacting. That frames the nature of your discourse. If friendship was the aim your conversation wouldn’t move in the direction it did. Yay or Nay are your options.

When you admitted your incompatibility the matter was settled. To propose friendship at that juncture when you’re barely acquainted makes no sense to him. And rightly so. It would be different if you’d developed the connection and spent time in his company that was mutually enjoyable. You’d need greater tenure for certain.

Most men aren’t interested in being friends with someone who turned them down they barely knows. Unless he thinks he can change her mind. Otherwise, he’ll spend that time in the company of someone who reciprocates his interest.

He’s looking for a partner not a pal. :)