What does being "unequally yoked" mean to YOU?

[ChandlerFan]

I understand that speaking in terms of numbers makes it easier to draw distinctions of spiritual maturity for the purpose of answering the question of this thread, but I'm not really a fan of quantifying spiritual maturity just because I think it's oversimplifying things a little bit. As Grace said, there are going to be differing opinions across the board on what the qualifications are for being a "10."

I would agree that being unequally yoked doesn't just apply to dating non-believers but also to those who are at a different place in terms of spiritual maturity. I tend to think of spiritual maturity more in terms of spiritual health, though. You can only be in a relationship with someone to the degree that they are healthy. If someone is unhealthy physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc., the relationship is going to run into some major problems.

I actually believe that a baby Christian and a long-time Christian can come together and have a godly, Christ-centered relationship if both are spiritually healthy. These are some signs of spiritual health to me:

Is this person taking the necessary steps to kill sin in their life? So instead of being concerned about Person A being brought down by Person B's inexperience in defeating the flesh, is Person B just as passionate as Person A about honoring the other and honoring God through purity and boundaries in the relationship? That is a total possibility.

Is this person pursuing an everyday, ongoing relationship with God? Those of us who have been Christians for a long time can say that there are times when we lose that zeal for pursuing God that we so often see in younger believers. I could see a scenario take place where Person B, who is new to the faith, actually ignites a fire in Person A to study the Word more while over time Person A is the one who helps keep Person B sustained in that discipline after the honeymoon phase wears off.

Does this person desire to grow in his/her faith and conduct the relationship in the context of Christian community and accountability? This kind of goes back to the desire for purity a bit, but way beyond that is the value for Christian community that every Christian should have. There are lots of young believers out there who attend church faithfully and value community.

Does this person confess their sin and failures regularly and trust in Christ's work on the cross for them to cover that sin?
This might be the biggest one of all. It indicates that the person takes their sin seriously, but isn't going to allow sin and failure to discourage them to keep moving forward in holiness, and I would not put it past a new believer to have these qualities.

So to sum that all up, does Person B, the new believer...
...looking to kill sin in his/her life?
...pursuing a daily walk with God?
...pursuing Christian community and accountability?
...confessing sin regularly and trusting in Jesus' work on the cross for his/her salvation?

Other things could be added to this list, but my main point is that spiritual health and maturity isn't necessarily so much contingent on how long the person has been a Christian as it is how great their desire is to live biblically. I could see all of these things being true of a baby Christian, maybe even moreso than the more mature believer in some respects. So as we're looking for potential lifemates, I think we should be more concerned with a person's hunger and yearning for God and for righteousness than we should be about whether or not they swear. The swearing will go away over time as they grow, but the growth can only happen if the hunger for it is there.

Side note: These should all be things we desire and encourage young believers that we know towards as we walk alongside them, and these should be things we have incorporated into our own lives as well--believing the gospel, killing and confessing sin, being in community, being accountable, studying the Bible and praying. It's easy to slack in all of these areas because the reality is that none of us will ever be a 10 on this side of heaven.

 

[gypsygirl]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to ChandlerFan again

 

[Jullianna]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to ChandlerFan again

Consider it done

 

[CatHerder]

So..... do you think that people who are "significantly" spiritually immature have any business getting married in the first place? Are they equipped for it? Can they even grasp what it truly is?

Oh... certainly they can. It is better to marry than to burn. After all, they have the natural affection that God created within them despite their ignorance. Ignorance can only be corrected by guidance. So we should encourage them to do that and to seek how to be holy and acceptable to the Lord as a married couple inasmuch as they should be seeking that as a single person. No?

Time to throw another question out there - How is spiritual maturity different from emotional maturity? Christians don't have a monopoly on morality or ethics. I'm sure many of us can think of some "good people" who are not believers, but with healthier marriages than many Christian couples. When such an emotionally mature person becomes a believer in Christ, are they spiritually mature as well? Are they spiritually immature, but their life experiences and emotional maturity causes them to spiritually mature at a faster pace? How does spiritual and emotional maturity overlap?

...
In the OP, I was looking at the topic from a single's perspective....to attempt, as well as humanly possible, to determine whether we might be/might not be equally yoked with someone we may view as a future spouse. I was hoping that some of the older folks in this forum could address (hopefully by life experience) why this issue is one of the most important a couple contemplating marriage will face.

Well, about a year ago, I found myself spending more and more time with a friend from college. Personality-wise, she and I "fit" very well. We talked about where we were going in our relationship, and mutually decided not to pursue each other as she had no interest in Christianity and I had no interest in straying from that. That's an obvious example of "unequally yoked," but not the only one.

Unequally yoked among Christian singles is also quite common. I think that, especially when we are younger, we think "Oh, he/she is a Christian, so it's okay to date, and he/she is kind of HOT, too! Win!" and that becomes our main criteria. We give the other person an "Okay to Date" stamp of approval and choose with our hormones, just like everyone else. It's so important to know the other person for a while - to get a glimpse of where the Lord is taking them - to see where the Lord is taking you - to test if these are really the Lord's plans and not your own - and to determine if these two paths are compatible and can be walked together.

 

[Jullianna]

Time to throw another question out there - How is spiritual maturity different from emotional maturity? Christians don't have a monopoly on morality or ethics. I'm sure many of us can think of some "good people" who are not believers, but with healthier marriages than many Christian couples. When such an emotionally mature person becomes a believer in Christ, are they spiritually mature as well? Are they spiritually immature, but their life experiences and emotional maturity causes them to spiritually mature at a faster pace? How does spiritual and emotional maturity overlap?

Well, about a year ago, I found myself spending more and more time with a friend from college. Personality-wise, she and I "fit" very well. We talked about where we were going in our relationship, and mutually decided not to pursue each other as she had no interest in Christianity and I had no interest in straying from that. That's an obvious example of "unequally yoked," but not the only one.

Unequally yoked among Christian singles is also quite common. I think that, especially when we are younger, we think "Oh, he/she is a Christian, so it's okay to date, and he/she is kind of HOT, too! Win!" and that becomes our main criteria. We give the other person an "Okay to Date" stamp of approval and choose with our hormones, just like everyone else. It's so important to know the other person for a while - to get a glimpse of where the Lord is taking them - to see where the Lord is taking you - to test if these are really the Lord's plans and not your own - and to determine if these two paths are compatible and can be walked together.

Yes!!!!!!! ^THIS^ The exact point of this thread. I had to make this as large as possible and I'm not going to apologize for it! Maybe it will be burned into our brains somehow.


You bring up emotional maturity. I would add emotional HEALTH to that as well (I think Grace already kinda/sorta touched on spiritual unhealthiness). We can be spiritually mature and emotionally mature, and still be emotionally unhealthy. Been there, done that. Didn't know it at the time, but it doesn't matter. It's still no excuse.

The good news is what the good news ALWAYS is: God can take care of it if we let Him.

If we aren't spiritually mature, He can lead us there.
If we aren't emotionally mature, He can bring us there.
If we aren't emotionally healthy, He can heal it.

We have to be willing to allow Him to show us what we may not see (or want to see) in ourselves. It's never really about the OTHER person. It's about seeing ourselves as we truly are and submitting to HIS choices for our lives, as well as His TIMING. When we don't, we only hurt ourselves and others.

 

[MissCris]

So..... do you think that people who are "significantly" spiritually immature have any business getting married in the first place? Are they equipped for it? Can they even grasp what it truly is?

This is what my husband and I did. We were both very immature, spiritually and emotionally. Yet we were also unequally yoked- he was a practicing Catholic at the time, and I was non-denominational. We also had such incredibly different upbringings that we couldn't often see where the other was coming from on important issues (finances, for example).

I can tell you right now neither one of us were equipped for marriage, nor did we have any idea what we were really getting into.

Should we have gotten married?

When I look back over the last 10 years, all the fights, the separations, all that- it's hard to say 100% Yes, we should have done it. We were never, never before equally yoked in any way. Not once.

But God's hand has been obvious in this, and He has been able to take something that was a disaster and turn it around, change our hearts, in a way force us to either grow together or give it up entirely and divorce. I thank the Lord that because of what He's done with us, we chose to grow together.

We're not so unequally yoked now. In fact, I would say not at all.

That all being said...heed the words of the Bible, people...do not become unequally yoked...there's a reason those words are in there. It's a rough road and not many marriages make it through. Why start a difficult thing in the most difficult way possible if you don't have to?

 

[Jullianna]

This is what my husband and I did. We were both very immature, spiritually and emotionally. Yet we were also unequally yoked- he was a practicing Catholic at the time, and I was non-denominational. We also had such incredibly different upbringings that we couldn't often see where the other was coming from on important issues (finances, for example).

I can tell you right now neither one of us were equipped for marriage, nor did we have any idea what we were really getting into.

Should we have gotten married?

When I look back over the last 10 years, all the fights, the separations, all that- it's hard to say 100% Yes, we should have done it. We were never, never before equally yoked in any way. Not once.

But God's hand has been obvious in this, and He has been able to take something that was a disaster and turn it around, change our hearts, in a way force us to either grow together or give it up entirely and divorce. I thank the Lord that because of what He's done with us, we chose to grow together.

We're not so unequally yoked now. In fact, I would say not at all.

That all being said...heed the words of the Bible, people...do not become unequally yoked...there's a reason those words are in there. It's a rough road and not many marriages make it through. Why start a difficult thing in the most difficult way possible if you don't have to?

THANK YOU, Cris. So much!

My mom and bio-dad married because mom was pregnant. Period. No equally ANYTHING. It began as a mess and only got worse from there.

Second time around, mom married a man who was incredibly funny, loving, hard-working, smart, wise from the school of hardknocks, kind to me.....but who knew absolutely nada about the Lord. As a matter of act, when I was in jr high, he interrupted my mom during grace and said, "God didn't put this food on the table, I did".

I'm not going to go into detail re: other things I witnessed, but my mom was miserable. Absolutely miserable for a very long time. And when she refused to do some things that her faith would not permit, things really hit the fan. Hard. She was pretty messed up.

BUT...mom wised up, turned her life around and hung in there (mostly for the sake of children/stepchildren I think....but still). She stayed. She prayed. And eventually......after 30+ years, he came to the Lord, although he admitted that it took a terminal illness to bring him to his knees. I know their hearts and I know that, even though they are both with the Lord now, they wouldn't mind that I've shared this here, especially if it helps someone else.

Please, please, please be wise. There are far less destructive ways to be a missionary.

 

[Charcoal]

I think that there are Numerous persons weighing in here, far more qualified to speak with regards to Spiritual maturity than myself, so I shall maturely let them.
I think also that as Christians, we can be wise to look at that and still fail to look at other things, too.

If one party is significantly smarter, wiser, or more intelligent than the other, this can create issues just as easily.
If one party is significantly more compassionate, empathetic, or giving and the other is somewhat the opposite, I see issues arising.
If one party is prone to certain hobbies and the other party is not, again issues can arise.
If you like spicy food and they like more subtle fare...
If you communicate too differently...
If you are a little bit country and they are a little bit... well, that might work out, but you get my drift.

Spiritual compatibility is paramount, but is not the only essential.

 

[MidniteWelder]

Double posting because I know I will run out of time on the edit.

Rereading things, I don't know if I disagree or not. Yes, a woman who is a stronger Christian than the man may feel like she is leading him, which is certainly troublesome. However, a woman who is a weaker Christian than the man may also attempt to usurp his authority.

I really don't want to turn this into a submission thread. I hate those.

Addressing the OP, I find that I have many questions. How is spiritual maturity measured?

What if he is more compassionate and has a heart for service, but reads his Bible only twice a week? She, on the other hand, reads her Bible diligently and wants to be a missionary, but is not a regular church attender.

He has a very active prayer life, but sometimes gives into peer pressure and smokes pot now and then. She rarely prays, but has been instrumental in leading others to the Lord.

She sometimes cooks for the poor and homeless. He follows up with visits to their shelters. She doesn't like to go there because it is too dirty.


Both these people have spiritual strengths and some pretty serious spiritual flaws, but in different ways. So....are they equally yoked?

Looks like two separate yokes

There are yokes, and yokes, folks.

and Yolks
Perhaps that's where some problems arise, trying to keep the yolks separate.
Even if both are good eggs, gotta break 'em open and mix 'em together to make a nice omelet.

 

[kayem77]

I think ChandlerFan nailed it.

We all have our own spiritual ups and downs, and there will be seasons in life when we will need someone to lift us up. And this is when having a godly partner becomes important (if you are or want to be married).
Putting aside preferences, likes, dislikes, and personal convictions, I think what matters the most is making sure your "boo"(sorry I had to use that word! )has actually been started in the process of sanctification...in other words, is she/he saved? And then look for evidence/fruit that vouches for their spiritual growth, using the Bible as a standard. Like Chandler mentioned, sanctification, growth,community & accountability are all things that I would consider essential for judging, as far as a human can judge, their spiritual health.

I think both man and woman need to be real and serious about their relationship with God. If one is showing interest and the other one is not, it's easier to be dragged down rather than carry the other person up the spiritual ladder so to speak.Not to say there aren't any occasions where someone could be encouraged by their partner's faith, but usually is the other way around. Plus, if the Word tells us not to do it, why risk it? And if neither are showing interest in their relationship with God then ....well I think we can all conclude it won't have a good outcome.

I think personal convictions such as music, movies, and other preferences should be considered with wisdom. If you don't like him because he likes action movies and you only like chick flicks, this isn't a maturity issues, it's a preference issue. If you don't like his career plan, or the way he envisions his family (assuming it's not a sinful vision) , consider this before investing more on the relationship, and don't judge him/her. What works for one couple might not work for another, so I would personally like to make sure whatever I don't agree with it's not of vital importance to me, or maybe it's something we can both negotiate or discuss.

 

[OnThisRock]

I think it means not joined in the Lord or yoked by the Lord. Matthew 11:30 carries the full meaning. My yoke is easy and burden is light. Does not God ultimately want a husband and wife to be able to equally carry the same burden which should help in the ministry which both are called. To be equally yoked means to share equally all things (lessening the burden). Therefore, you must be so closely linked by the Lord, that things do not get unbalanced. Yes, you may have trials and troubles, but equally yoked means able to bear the burden together. Basically, two animals, joined together by this yoke around their necks, are able to pull more weight rather than just one animal. Take for instance, two cows joined together by one yoke. If one of the cows is smaller than the other within the yoke, it will throw off the ability to pull, carry and travel, just like in ministry and the marriage.

 

[OnThisRock]

A 10 and 4 together is an example of a vast unequal yoke.
A 10 and 4 that could yield both 10-7.

What if a 5 meets a 6? Will that make them both 5.5?

 

[OnThisRock]

Do you think someone who is a believer with a strong calling can be completely swayed in the opposite direction and go back into deception if they continue to remain unequally yoked and stay with that person because the relationship is an idol? Will God eventually pull them apart? Just curious. Has anyone seen this?

 

[Charcoal]

What if a 5 meets a 6? Will that make them both 5.5?

They could potentially drag one another down and become 3's or less...or they could inspire one another and eventually both be 10's. It's not a simple mathematical formula, but I personally think that having a certain level of spiritual maturity should be a prerequisite for dating at all. If you have not worked enough on You and Your relationship with the Lord, then I don't know how you will work on your relationship with Me. It's a bit like having the ultimate experience and references on your resume. just my .02

 

[Kimber321]

I can't weigh in personally, but I can share what I've personally seen. A woman I've known all my life has been strong in the Lord from childhood. She's just one of those people who never wavered and seemed to overcome everything thrown at her, through Christ. Her first husband was not a Christian when they met. She, being the person she is, prayed and fasted for him, etc. He accepted Christ and became a completely changed, like night and day, person. They married. He was new to Christ and she was very mature in Him. They had a beautiful marriage and 2 boys, ages 3 and 2, when she found her husband dead in the restroom. Aneurism. Several years later she meets another man, unsaved and a bit of a partier. Again, she kept him in prayer and fasting and...Yep. He turned to Christ. They married and had twin boys. Fast forward 30 years later. The boys are raised, they are still married, still strong in Christ, and she is still the stronger partner in Him. (They also now have 10 grandchildren.)

I don't believe this is the way I'd want to do it, but I don't think she chose her own path, either. She has always stayed, ''wrapped up in the Lord,'' and allowed Him to lead her.

 

[Lynx]

A 10 and 4 together is an example of a vast unequal yoke.
A 10 and 4 that could yield both 10-7.

I dunno... in bowling a 10-7 split is a pretty good trick to pull off.

Nautilus: The 10 might raise the 4 up, but historically it has proven unlikely. Common wisdom is to not marry someone thinking you will change him (or her, of course) once you marry him.

"Oh when I was in love with you
Then I was clean and brave
And all around the wonder grew
How well I did behave
But now the fancy passes by
And nothing shall remain
And all around they'll say that I
Am quite myself again"
~ James Thurber (I think)

 

[OnThisRock]

This is definitely a great topic that has a great deal of depth to it.

Here is my thoughts.

Unequally yoked is to an unbeliever is what the scripture says.

However, this can pose an issue when it comes to someone that claims to be a believer and is not. It is possible to be deceived by someone that is also deceived.

For example, I was once with someone that said she was Christian. Personally, my relationship with God was not as much priority as it once was or is now. I think this is why I lacked discernment. Because later, she stated that she was a Christian because she had been baptized as a child. However, she stated that was the only reason she was a Christian as she did not believe in Jesus nor the bible. I was perplexed and already yoked.

I was turning my life back to the Lord and was not sure what I should do. It was then that I saw in the scripture where Paul said that if you are a believer already yoked with an unbeliever, remain with them. So I did.
She later left me. Scripture says if they leave, let them leave. You are not bound in such cases.

So I think the most important thing is to do as scripture says and to test the spirits to know whether they are of God. On that note, I must say that I have only ever met 2 people in my life that test the spirits according to how scripture says to do so.

Since that incident, I have noticed a lot of "believers" that do not pass that test. So use wisdom people and be obedient to God's will.

If you are yoked, then remain with that person.
If you are not yoked, use the wisdom given in scripture to test the spirits to know whether they are of God.

I agree. When someone calls themselves a Christian it can be the most deceiving and the way the devil can attack a believer. I have seen alot of 'angels of light' in my time. The testing of the spirits can be quickened when you step back and just give the person a little time and space to see what they are made of (while in the meantime guarding your heart and being cautious). That is the quickest way to test it. Also, I pray, "God, if this is not of you cast it down". Resist the devil and it will flee from you. Pretty interesting when this happens and many "christians" flee or lose interest in you!

 

[OnThisRock]

I can't weigh in personally, but I can share what I've personally seen. A woman I've known all my life has been strong in the Lord from childhood. She's just one of those people who never wavered and seemed to overcome everything thrown at her, through Christ. Her first husband was not a Christian when they met. She, being the person she is, prayed and fasted for him, etc. He accepted Christ and became a completely changed, like night and day, person. They married. He was new to Christ and she was very mature in Him. They had a beautiful marriage and 2 boys, ages 3 and 2, when she found her husband dead in the restroom. Aneurism. Several years later she meets another man, unsaved and a bit of a partier. Again, she kept him in prayer and fasting and...Yep. He turned to Christ. They married and had twin boys. Fast forward 30 years later. The boys are raised, they are still married, still strong in Christ, and she is still the stronger partner in Him. (They also now have 10 grandchildren.)

I don't believe this is the way I'd want to do it, but I don't think she chose her own path, either. She has always stayed, ''wrapped up in the Lord,'' and allowed Him to lead her.

Can I have her number!!!!!!!

 

[jeremyPJ]

I'm glad you asked this question, I don't really know either.

 

[Markum1972]

If by "yoked" you mean the believer is already married to the other believer and there is no unfaithfulness, personally, I would not feel free to leave and would do all I could to be an example and encouragement.

In the OP, I was looking at the topic from a single's perspective....to attempt, as well as humanly possible, to determine whether we might be/might not be equally yoked with someone we may view as a future spouse. I was hoping that some of the older folks in this forum could address (hopefully by life experience) why this issue is one of the most important a couple contemplating marriage will face.

Right. Just like you to go and put wisdom to use.

As far as "yoked" goes. I did not mean believe married to another believer. Paul also addresses a believer that is yoked to an an unbeliever. He specifically says to stay with them.

It also says in scripture to not get yoked with an unbeliever.

I think many people easily confuse and combine the two.

One says, if you are... then stay.
The other says, if you are not... then don't.

The dangerous thing I see today is many Christian's leaving their unbelieving partners and feeling justified to do so when scripture specifically says not to do that. I have met many broken-spirited people that have been wounded so deeply by this that it is hard to share the gospel with them.

How do I tell them that it is good to serve a God that caused someone to disregard them and their feelings? Why should they want to turn to a God that left them broken-hearted? It is easier, and also more truth-bearing, to tell them that their partner was misinformed and disobeyed God's will.

Sorry bout the rant. Not meaning to derail. It is just something that weighs heavily on my heart often.