What's holding you back?

[Oncefallen]

We've all seen plenty of threads here that either start off, or end up on the topic of us men wanting Godly, emotionally stable, intelligent women that dress modestly, have similar interests, etc. and the ladies commenting that it seems that men don't prove it by actually getting involved with that type of woman.

So the question is, what's holding us back? I'm sure most of us have met a couple of ladies that fit the idea of the "perfect woman" that we hold in our head, but haven't pursued her. Has it been due to fear of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, thinking that an other guy showing her attention is better for her, etc? It kinda hit me hard over the weekend that many of us guys sell ourselves short and miss out on some great Godly women (at least I have) because of this sort of thing.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

The thought came to mind that if someone told us where we could find a huge monetary treasure many of us would research the evidence and, if it was credible, take off in pursuit of it. I don't think any of us would think to ourselves, "well I just don't deserve that kind of wealth, or "that other guy deserves it more." Yet when we find a Godly woman who Solomon says is worth more than monetary treasure rather than pursue, we do this very thing and sell ourselves short.

 

[GreenNnice]

We've all seen plenty of threads here that either start off, or end up on the topic of us men wanting Godly, emotionally stable, intelligent women that dress modestly, have similar interests, etc. and the ladies commenting that it seems that men don't prove it by actually getting involved with that type of woman.

So the question is, what's holding us back? I'm sure most of us have met a couple of ladies that fit the idea of the "perfect woman" that we hold in our head, but haven't pursued her. Has it been due to fear of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, thinking that an other guy showing her attention is better for her, etc? It kinda hit me hard over the weekend that many of us guys sell ourselves short and miss out on some great Godly women (at least I have) because of this sort of thing.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

The thought came to mind that if someone told us where we could find a huge monetary treasure many of us would research the evidence and, if it was credible, take off in pursuit of it. I don't think any of us would think to ourselves, "well I just don't deserve that kind of wealth, or "that other guy deserves it more." Yet when we find a Godly woman who Solomon says is worth more than monetary treasure rather than pursue, we do this very thing and sell ourselves short.

It's a great question, oncefell, and, my answer is purely simple, and, it's not gkitzy or flashy: I MUST follow God leading me in my 'walk.'

Ok, maybe the 'must' word is a little sparkly : D , but, yes, I've honestly not had serious girlfriends like some have blessedly had. Have I tried? Sure! But, the way my life's gone, I've in my life situation NOT seen God letting me go. Sometimes I've stopped pursuance of a girl I liked, and, sometimes Him. But, one way or anotjer, I have been held back.
And, I keep my mind thinking that it was best, like Julieanna said in another thread that when something happens to what we thouggt is good, God, we MUST trust, has 'something better' or us. This thinking is tough to contain, hold us happy, but, I think, no, I know, when I let go of my thinking of what I think is best and allow God to work things through for me, it works, for His glory, and, my blessing . The hurt in me

 

[Stallone]

Honestly the only thing holding me back is opportunity. I know often I am scoffed at for requesting opportunity instead of that one woman. I just don't believe in their being one particular woman out there for me. I also believe I would have met that woman sometime between ages 21-26. I also don't believe I've missed God's plan for me. I believe we have the ability to CHOOSE, and with choices we need options. I know what I want and I need to be able to find it. Not every woman likes me, regardless of the number of options I may have. Right now I have zero. Years ago I had plenty of christian women I knew. I had plenty of christian friends in general.

For me, my prayers pertain to making new christian friends first. But at 29, it's becoming an increasingly uphill battle. I just contacted a young adults group split in half between young 20s-mid 20s (singles) and late 20s-30s (married with kids).. yeah wow, I just fit into both ::rolls eyes::

 

[GreenNnice]

We've all seen plenty of threads here that either start off, or end up on the topic of us men wanting Godly, emotionally stable, intelligent women that dress modestly, have similar interests, etc. and the ladies commenting that it seems that men don't prove it by actually getting involved with that type of woman.

So the question is, what's holding us back? I'm sure most of us have met a couple of ladies that fit the idea of the "perfect woman" that we hold in our head, but haven't pursued her. Has it been due to fear of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, thinking that an other guy showing her attention is better for her, etc? It kinda hit me hard over the weekend that many of us guys sell ourselves short and miss out on some great Godly women (at least I have) because of this sort of thing.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

The thought came to mind that if someone told us where we could find a huge monetary treasure many of us would research the evidence and, if it was credible, take off in pursuit of it. I don't think any of us would think to ourselves, "well I just don't deserve that kind of wealth, or "that other guy deserves it more." Yet when we find a Godly woman who Solomon says is worth more than monetary treasure rather than pursue, we do this very thing and sell ourselves short.

It's a great question, oncefell, and, my answer is purely simple, and, it's not glitzy or flashy: I MUST follow God leading me in my 'walk.'

Ok, maybe the 'must' word is a little sparkly : D , but, yes, I've honestly not had serious girlfriends like some have blessedly had. Have I tried? Sure! But, the way my life's gone, I've in my life situation NOT seen God letting me go. Sometimes I've stopped pursuance of a girl I liked, and, sometimes Him. But, one way or another, I have been held . Is this a good definition of a 'holding pattern.'

And, I keep my mind thinking that it was best, like Julieanna said in another thread that when something happens to what we thought is good, God, we MUST trust, has 'something better' or us. This thinking is tough to contain, hold us happy, but, I think, no, I know, when I let go of my thinking of what I think is best and allow God to work things through for me, it works, for His glory, and, my blessing . The hurt in me of having to hold back, or, being held back, meets The Healer

[YouTube]KeNSlQWdgec[/youtube]

 

[Liamson]

When I see a woman who seemingly has everything that I'm looking for. I usually don't hesitate but, that doesn't always mean that I am ready or that she is ready.

I've had relationships where we didn't have anything in common and they go fine. But one's where we have everything in common, we split hairs over stupid stuff that we are both passionate about and wind up arguing all the time.

 

[Oncefallen]

I do agree that we need to follow God's guidance in these matters Green, I think the point I was trying to get to is some of us don't get to the point of seeking God before walking away. Likewise it may seem chivalrous to us to walk away and let the person we see as a "better man" because he makes more money or whatever reason we may perceive, but is it really chivalrous to not let this great woman make that choice for herself? For all we know we better match what SHE is looking for and are robbing her.

 

[PopClick]

but is it really chivalrous to not let this great woman make that choice for herself?

Like ordering dinner FOR your date, instead of asking her what she'd like. Let her pick... the guy AND the grub.

 

[Jullianna]

I agree, Popclick. If a guy does the hot/cold thing too often/too long, the woman might get the idea that he's playing games with her and order a bunch of cats instead of dinner

 

[GreenNnice]

I do agree that we need to follow God's guidance in these matters Green, I think the point I was trying to get to is some of us don't get to the point of seeking God before walking away. Likewise it may seem chivalrous to us to walk away and let the person we see as a "better man" because he makes more money or whatever reason we may perceive, but is it really chivalrous to not let this great woman make that choice for herself? For all we know we better match what SHE is looking for and are robbing her.

I pray I am seeking Him, oncefell. But, yes, that is a good point, and, the Lord leads, and, I though may very well have walked away, a time or two, or, three. but, that said, my closure,of situation does come , sometimes through bold pain, as I am led by God.


The second part about letting a girl go because I make less than a fellow suitor of girl I like I can't really remember happening, maybe in singles group occassions I've gone 1992-93, 1995-97, 2004-2006. But, maybe this explains that my situation was not being engaged in thinking of getting into a serious relationship, except one girl one time in 2005, and, I was invited to eat at her house after singles group to meet her parents and I said, 'Sure, I like food,' and, she suddenly retracted what she said.

This is an example of my being held back against my will, for I really liked this girl, and, though that night eating her parent's place went from good to sour faster than you can say 'Ewwwww,' we still kept talking after that in singles . And, right when I was to ask her out, she told me she was going to Croatia for 3 months to visit family. I just , after she left, had my financial situation swing and when she got back I remember giving her little brother some advice but, anyway, the Lord leads, either I was unbrave,, unpersevering, etc, I am fully confident that the Lord, ultimately, holds us, or, when its right, He lets us go

 

[Jullianna]

Things that happen when guys don't speak up:


1. Women get the idea that they just want to be friends and either are okay with that or not, and, if not, they disappear;
2. The woman will do the "friends first" thing to see how things go, but, after awhile they get the idea that they are some sort of consolation prize if he doesn't find "someone better", and they disappear; and/or
3. The woman finally realizes that if it's that tough for a guy to make up his mind, he doesn't love her.


Down the road the woman will run into the guy and he will tell her how she broke his heart and disappeared for no reason or say something really stupid like, "I wish I could have found a woman LIKE you." And the woman is thinking...I broke YOUR heart? Someone LIKE me?

 

[Stallone]

Things that happen when guys don't speak up:


1. Women get the idea that they just want to be friends and either are okay with that or not, and, if not, they disappear;
2. The woman will do the "friends first" thing to see how things go, but, after awhile they get the idea that they are some sort of consolation prize if he doesn't find "someone better", and they disappear; and/or
3. The woman finally realizes that if it's that tough for a guy to make up his mind, he doesn't love her.


Down the road the woman will run into the guy and he will tell her how she broke his heart and disappeared for no reason or say something really stupid like, "I wish I could have found a woman LIKE you." And the woman is thinking...I broke YOUR heart? Someone LIKE me?

I'm copying & saving this.. I am the biggest violater of rules 1-3..

 

[Snackersmom]

I think that if a guy respects a girl enough that he would want to date her, he should also respect her enough to tell her how he feels, and let her make her own decision. Regardless of what her decision is, at least he won't spend the rest of his life wondering what she MIGHT have said.....I suppose you could say "Nothing ventured, nothing gained", but to me it's more a matter of "Do I trust this lady enough to let her decide for herself?"<<<< (hopefully with serious prayer included)

 

[Ugly]

Well, seems that most of these women just don't seem open. Perfect example, this forum. There are a number of great Christian women in here, and guys, you know it. I guarantee you many of these guys have some kind of interest in a number or at least one of these women. Yet none of the women on this site keep all the men in 'nice guy' mode. And some of these guys would be good men to marry.
I often sit and read, especially in the singles forum, why some of these people aren't together. They're nice looking, single, Christians wanting to marry, talking daily, getting along, etc. I'll see where he'll make her laugh, make her think, show his faith, and do and say all the things she (as in the women in general) say they want in a man, and there are a few men like that, and they bypass them straight to 'nice guy' status. So, to me, thats a part of it.

 

[Snackersmom]

^^^Perhaps, but it's kind of hard to know for certain if someone likes you if they don't tell you so. Assumptions can be dangerous, and most guys don't seem to want a lady who "starts things", neither do I feel like it's our role to do so .

The worst she can do is say "no", right? And if she's classy enough to be a good catch, then she'll let you down as gently as possible

 

[Liamson]

Things that happen when guys don't speak up:


1. Women get the idea that they just want to be friends and either are okay with that or not, and, if not, they disappear;
2. The woman will do the "friends first" thing to see how things go, but, after awhile they get the idea that they are some sort of consolation prize if he doesn't find "someone better", and they disappear; and/or
3. The woman finally realizes that if it's that tough for a guy to make up his mind, he doesn't love her.


Down the road the woman will run into the guy and he will tell her how she broke his heart and disappeared for no reason or say something really stupid like, "I wish I could have found a woman LIKE you." And the woman is thinking...I broke YOUR heart? Someone LIKE me?

HAHAHAHA no way!!!

Well seeing this explains a few things to me.


I DO NOT DATE PEOPLE UNTIL I'M FRIENDS FIRST. Romantic relationships with no friendly foundation fall apart as soon as people get comfortable (6 months-ish). If she doesn't want to be my friend, then how could she possibly want to be my best friend and eventually my wife.

Its not about making up his mind, its about sharing who he is without all of the pretense that goes with "dating".

If I want a woman to see who I am, faults and all. I'm going to invite her into my life, as a friend. I'm going to do everything with her. She's going to see me for who I am, not who I want her to see me as.

Then if she can handle me for who I am then yes, dating is the next step. Not before.

OLD ME, who didn't care, could date someone for a year and yet they would have no clue about anything in my life, because going on dates is not life.

 

[Oncefallen]

I think what Jullianna was talking about was a man who shows interest beyond friendship, but then never follows through, not a male friend in general. Of course I could be wrong.

 

[Jullianna]

^^^Perhaps, but it's kind of hard to know for certain if someone likes you if they don't tell you so. Assumptions can be dangerous, and most guys don't seem to want a lady who "starts things", neither do I feel like it's our role to do so .

The worst she can do is say "no", right? And if she's classy enough to be a good catch, then she'll let you down as gently as possible

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You aren't wrong, Oncefallen.

Ugly: Some of us don't put them in the nice guy slot or any slot at all. As Snackersmom said above, unless the guy steps up, we don't feel that we are in a position to put them in any slot at all.

 

[Jullianna]

HAHAHAHA no way!!!

Well seeing this explains a few things to me.


I DO NOT DATE PEOPLE UNTIL I'M FRIENDS FIRST. Romantic relationships with no friendly foundation fall apart as soon as people get comfortable (6 months-ish). If she doesn't want to be my friend, then how could she possibly want to be my best friend and eventually my wife.

Its not about making up his mind, its about sharing who he is without all of the pretense that goes with "dating".

If I want a woman to see who I am, faults and all. I'm going to invite her into my life, as a friend. I'm going to do everything with her. She's going to see me for who I am, not who I want her to see me as.

Then if she can handle me for who I am then yes, dating is the next step. Not before.

OLD ME, who didn't care, could date someone for a year and yet they would have no clue about anything in my life, because going on dates is not life.

Most of us probably do the friends first thing too. I know I do. But, after a year or so, that gets a little old.

 

[Jullianna]

And sometimes a person can just get tired of talking a thing to death and feel the need to move on....like this...

*poof*

 

[Liamson]

Agreed.

When a women, doesn't get it and just randomly goes out with someone who doesn't deserve the time of day with her. I get mad, and I randomly ask out some random woman, because that is apparently what we are suppose to do. Be random and shallow d-bags, who spontaneously make irrational choices about women.

Then which ever one says yes, we forgive them of all of their faults, ignore them for 3 days, get dressed up and go shopping with them.

Because how well you know someone and how well they know you, is at the end of the day irrelevant.