What's the Difference Between Having Dating Standards and Being a Snob?

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Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,716
713
113
50
#23
Hey Everyone,

This is a subject I've been thinking about lately -- is there a difference between having standards for dating, and just plain being a snob?

I went to a Christian high school, and ironically, the kids who were considered cool were 1. athletic, 2. good-looking, and 3. usually outwardly rebelling in some way. I was not considered any of those things (though I had my own subtle ways of rebelling) and was a part of the crowd that didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, and was seen as a boring, "weird" (as one of the popular girls informed me) nerd who "attracted all the other nerds" (as yet another popular girl was more than happy to point out to me.)

At the time I felt awkward about it, but as I've gotten older, it's a title I'm certainly not ashamed of anymore, and will happily forever see myself as a grown-up, boring nerd. :D

The funny thing I've found is that when I was a more active member of the dating pool (on dating sites, etc.), I would regularly get blasted by guys who found out I was hoping to find another non-smoker, non-partyer, and non-drug user, and would then tell me things such as, "Wow, you really think you're too good for anyone, don't you? Well, you're really missing out, and it's totally your loss," then block me before even giving me a chance to explain.

I can't tell you how ironic it is to me to find that the exact same qualities that caused other people to call me a loser in high school now seem to incite the wrath of people who now tell me I'm a stuck-up snob.

And the funny thing is, if they let me tell a little more of my story, they'd find out that I finally caved to the peer pressure of always being told my standards were too high, making exceptions to almost every regular standard I thought I had--and thoroughly regretted it.

* I went on a few dates with someone who did drugs, and then about had a heart attack when I realized he carried them with him everywhere (I always had to drive because he'd had his license revoked) and could have cared less if we would have been stopped and put in jail. He probably would have thought it was amusing, because all my life, people have told me, "It would be so funny to get you all messed up." Um... no thanks.

* I dated someone whose first purchases of choice were always alcohol and cigarettes, and so I would wind up paying for things like his kids' daycare when he would cry over "not having any money" but wanting to keep his kids.

* There are actually reasons why I made the choices I did. For instance, I've never been officially tested but I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to smoke, and even being around smoke-saturated clothing or areas make my eyes and lungs feel like they're on fire. I'm also fairly sure I'm allergic to alcohol, and while I have absolutely nothing against occasional responsible social drinking (and have no personal moral problems eating some foods cooked with alcohol), after seeing it wreak havoc in far too many lives, it's definitely not something I'd be comfortable around on a regular daily basis.

With all the sensitivities I seem to have around things like alcohol and second-hand smoke, there's no way I would even want to consider being around (let alone trying) drugs.

Disclaimer: I hope that anyone who reads this doesn't get too caught up in my personal example, because it's only meant to give an illustration of the topic. I am also certainly NOT trying to say in any way, shape, or form, that someone who drinks, smokes, or does drugs is somehow completely undateable--NOT AT ALL.

I believe it's something that has to be taken on an individual basis. One of the reasons I made exceptions in the past is because the person I dated would say he was in the middle of quitting or was attending programs to help him quit, but things wound up only getting worse, which I very much realize might not be the case for everyone.

And I certainly don't hold the same "so-called" standards for friendships alone--some of my best friends have been chain smokers, etc. and are from all walks of life--but for myself, hanging out with someone who smokes occasionally vs. being around someone who smokes all the time (such as in a relationship) are very different circumstances.

The whole point of this thread is to get people talking about their points of view and experiences, rather than the one I'm giving here. I'm just throwing out this example as a starting point for our conversation. I would like to know more about YOUR thoughts, such as:

* What kinds of dating standards do you have that people criticize, and why?

* Has it caused you to change or make exceptions? What were the results?

* Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?

* Where is the line between having high standards, and just plain being a snob?

For my own life, I've come to the conclusion that I have to stick to what I've learned through trial and (mostly) error, ask God what direction I need to keep going in, and let people think what they will.

How about the rest of you?

Sis...you shouldn't ever worry about sounding like a snob...because you're not. Having standards comes from a place of self preservation often derived from experience. We could all be considered "snobs" in one way or another. When it comes to love relationships it's important to stick to your guns. I suppose being a snob would be expecting perfection from another human being and let's face it, none of us are perfect. Compromising is good for both parties, but not at the expense of ones values.
 

TheLearner

Well-known member
Jan 14, 2019
1,610
360
83
#24
Hey Everyone,

This is a subject I've been thinking about lately -- is there a difference between having standards for dating, and just plain being a snob?

I went to a Christian high school, and ironically, the kids who were considered cool were 1. athletic, 2. good-looking, and 3. usually outwardly rebelling in some way. I was not considered any of those things (though I had my own subtle ways of rebelling) and was a part of the crowd that didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, and was seen as a boring, "weird" (as one of the popular girls informed me) nerd who "attracted all the other nerds" (as yet another popular girl was more than happy to point out to me.)

At the time I felt awkward about it, but as I've gotten older, it's a title I'm certainly not ashamed of anymore, and will happily forever see myself as a grown-up, boring nerd. :D

The funny thing I've found is that when I was a more active member of the dating pool (on dating sites, etc.), I would regularly get blasted by guys who found out I was hoping to find another non-smoker, non-partyer, and non-drug user, and would then tell me things such as, "Wow, you really think you're too good for anyone, don't you? Well, you're really missing out, and it's totally your loss," then block me before even giving me a chance to explain.

I can't tell you how ironic it is to me to find that the exact same qualities that caused other people to call me a loser in high school now seem to incite the wrath of people who now tell me I'm a stuck-up snob.

And the funny thing is, if they let me tell a little more of my story, they'd find out that I finally caved to the peer pressure of always being told my standards were too high, making exceptions to almost every regular standard I thought I had--and thoroughly regretted it.

* I went on a few dates with someone who did drugs, and then about had a heart attack when I realized he carried them with him everywhere (I always had to drive because he'd had his license revoked) and could have cared less if we would have been stopped and put in jail. He probably would have thought it was amusing, because all my life, people have told me, "It would be so funny to get you all messed up." Um... no thanks.

* I dated someone whose first purchases of choice were always alcohol and cigarettes, and so I would wind up paying for things like his kids' daycare when he would cry over "not having any money" but wanting to keep his kids.

* There are actually reasons why I made the choices I did. For instance, I've never been officially tested but I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to smoke, and even being around smoke-saturated clothing or areas make my eyes and lungs feel like they're on fire. I'm also fairly sure I'm allergic to alcohol, and while I have absolutely nothing against occasional responsible social drinking (and have no personal moral problems eating some foods cooked with alcohol), after seeing it wreak havoc in far too many lives, it's definitely not something I'd be comfortable around on a regular daily basis.

With all the sensitivities I seem to have around things like alcohol and second-hand smoke, there's no way I would even want to consider being around (let alone trying) drugs.

Disclaimer: I hope that anyone who reads this doesn't get too caught up in my personal example, because it's only meant to give an illustration of the topic. I am also certainly NOT trying to say in any way, shape, or form, that someone who drinks, smokes, or does drugs is somehow completely undateable--NOT AT ALL.

I believe it's something that has to be taken on an individual basis. One of the reasons I made exceptions in the past is because the person I dated would say he was in the middle of quitting or was attending programs to help him quit, but things wound up only getting worse, which I very much realize might not be the case for everyone.

And I certainly don't hold the same "so-called" standards for friendships alone--some of my best friends have been chain smokers, etc. and are from all walks of life--but for myself, hanging out with someone who smokes occasionally vs. being around someone who smokes all the time (such as in a relationship) are very different circumstances.

The whole point of this thread is to get people talking about their points of view and experiences, rather than the one I'm giving here. I'm just throwing out this example as a starting point for our conversation. I would like to know more about YOUR thoughts, such as:

* What kinds of dating standards do you have that people criticize, and why?

* Has it caused you to change or make exceptions? What were the results?

* Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?

* Where is the line between having high standards, and just plain being a snob?

For my own life, I've come to the conclusion that I have to stick to what I've learned through trial and (mostly) error, ask God what direction I need to keep going in, and let people think what they will.

How about the rest of you?
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
33,815
11,535
113
66
Tennessee
#25
I was recently called a snob because I said I'd not date a smoker. It was by a smoker ...my dad to be exact. I told him... I'm sorry but the smell disgust me and I see how it affects the way you treat people when you can't smoke when you want to. It really made him mad at me for saying that... but I've grown up seeing him put that need above any other household or family needs. And I say need because it is for him... he's an addict.
I'm an addict too and nicotine is my drug of choice.

As my wife has told me, "you don't really need it, you want it". Both of her parents died at an early age so I can understand how smoking disgusts her. While your dad used a portion of the money that he earned by working I am sure that most of it went to take care of his family's needs.

Most of us have 'wants', his just happens to be smoking. I am not excusing his behavior or mine for that matter as the money spent on smoking could certainly be put to a better use. I guess that if you treat your family to a movie or even having a pizza night that money could also be put to better use. The thing is, God wants us to have life and have it more abundantly. Of course, that 'want' of God serves a higher purpose than a smoker's 'want' but God also understands the human condition full well and is full of compassion and mercy. I am not trying to rationalize the 'want' of smoking, that is just the nicotine talking. I am not in denial either as I know that there is nothing good about smoking, it is a waste of money and ruins your health.

I don't blame you one bit about not wanting to date a smoker. If I was single and a non-smoker I probably wouldn't want to date a smoker either. Before we were married my wife didn't want to date a smoker either but ended up marrying one. Still, my addiction is driving a wedge between us and I feel so bad about that. I pray that one day God will remove the 'want' from my life so that I can meet the 'need' of my wife.

Feeling as my wife does about smoking I don't understand why she accepted my proposal of marriage years ago. I guess that she must love me. I love her too and with the grace of God I will do what is right and place her 'need' above my 'want'. Only time will tell if this happens. Perhaps I have precious time left. I feel that the clock is ticking.
 

TheLearner

Well-known member
Jan 14, 2019
1,610
360
83
#26
800-QUIT-NOW (800-784-8669) has free nicotine patches to help one quit.
 

mailmandan

Senior Member
Apr 7, 2014
21,313
10,069
113
55
#27
My son has a friend who is 30 years old and doesn't date very much because his standards are so high. Supermodel or nothing! Sounds like a snob to me. :giggle:
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
33,815
11,535
113
66
Tennessee
#28
800-QUIT-NOW (800-784-8669) has free nicotine patches to help one quit.
Yeah, the patches cause me severe itching and skin irritation leaving a rash. The nicotine lozenges don't seem to be effective either. Perhaps hypnosis. Most likely, I will have to quit cold turkey. I did it once a few years ago and was smoke-free for 3 months. Then one day as I was paying for a coffee at Wawa's I snapped and bought a pack of L&M's and a Bic lighter. Bad mistake on my part. Regret it.
 

TheLearner

Well-known member
Jan 14, 2019
1,610
360
83
#29
Yeah, the patches cause me severe itching and skin irritation leaving a rash. The nicotine lozenges don't seem to be effective either. Perhaps hypnosis. Most likely, I will have to quit cold turkey. I did it once a few years ago and was smoke-free for 3 months. Then one day as I was paying for a coffee at Wawa's I snapped and bought a pack of L&M's and a Bic lighter. Bad mistake on my part. Regret it.
Ok, allergies can happen.
 

cwizzle07

Active member
Jan 18, 2019
184
165
43
38
#30
Hey Everyone,

This is a subject I've been thinking about lately -- is there a difference between having standards for dating, and just plain being a snob?

I went to a Christian high school, and ironically, the kids who were considered cool were 1. athletic, 2. good-looking, and 3. usually outwardly rebelling in some way. I was not considered any of those things (though I had my own subtle ways of rebelling) and was a part of the crowd that didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, and was seen as a boring, "weird" (as one of the popular girls informed me) nerd who "attracted all the other nerds" (as yet another popular girl was more than happy to point out to me.)

At the time I felt awkward about it, but as I've gotten older, it's a title I'm certainly not ashamed of anymore, and will happily forever see myself as a grown-up, boring nerd. :D

The funny thing I've found is that when I was a more active member of the dating pool (on dating sites, etc.), I would regularly get blasted by guys who found out I was hoping to find another non-smoker, non-partyer, and non-drug user, and would then tell me things such as, "Wow, you really think you're too good for anyone, don't you? Well, you're really missing out, and it's totally your loss," then block me before even giving me a chance to explain.

I can't tell you how ironic it is to me to find that the exact same qualities that caused other people to call me a loser in high school now seem to incite the wrath of people who now tell me I'm a stuck-up snob.

And the funny thing is, if they let me tell a little more of my story, they'd find out that I finally caved to the peer pressure of always being told my standards were too high, making exceptions to almost every regular standard I thought I had--and thoroughly regretted it.

* I went on a few dates with someone who did drugs, and then about had a heart attack when I realized he carried them with him everywhere (I always had to drive because he'd had his license revoked) and could have cared less if we would have been stopped and put in jail. He probably would have thought it was amusing, because all my life, people have told me, "It would be so funny to get you all messed up." Um... no thanks.

* I dated someone whose first purchases of choice were always alcohol and cigarettes, and so I would wind up paying for things like his kids' daycare when he would cry over "not having any money" but wanting to keep his kids.

* There are actually reasons why I made the choices I did. For instance, I've never been officially tested but I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to smoke, and even being around smoke-saturated clothing or areas make my eyes and lungs feel like they're on fire. I'm also fairly sure I'm allergic to alcohol, and while I have absolutely nothing against occasional responsible social drinking (and have no personal moral problems eating some foods cooked with alcohol), after seeing it wreak havoc in far too many lives, it's definitely not something I'd be comfortable around on a regular daily basis.

With all the sensitivities I seem to have around things like alcohol and second-hand smoke, there's no way I would even want to consider being around (let alone trying) drugs.

Disclaimer: I hope that anyone who reads this doesn't get too caught up in my personal example, because it's only meant to give an illustration of the topic. I am also certainly NOT trying to say in any way, shape, or form, that someone who drinks, smokes, or does drugs is somehow completely undateable--NOT AT ALL.

I believe it's something that has to be taken on an individual basis. One of the reasons I made exceptions in the past is because the person I dated would say he was in the middle of quitting or was attending programs to help him quit, but things wound up only getting worse, which I very much realize might not be the case for everyone.

And I certainly don't hold the same "so-called" standards for friendships alone--some of my best friends have been chain smokers, etc. and are from all walks of life--but for myself, hanging out with someone who smokes occasionally vs. being around someone who smokes all the time (such as in a relationship) are very different circumstances.

The whole point of this thread is to get people talking about their points of view and experiences, rather than the one I'm giving here. I'm just throwing out this example as a starting point for our conversation. I would like to know more about YOUR thoughts, such as:

* What kinds of dating standards do you have that people criticize, and why?

* Has it caused you to change or make exceptions? What were the results?

* Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?

* Where is the line between having high standards, and just plain being a snob?

For my own life, I've come to the conclusion that I have to stick to what I've learned through trial and (mostly) error, ask God what direction I need to keep going in, and let people think what they will.

How about the rest of you?

Interesting that Christian high schools have the same drink/smoke/drug crowds as secular or Catholic schools do. As if people would get mad at you for having preferences!? Were they Christian dating sites? If so, the guys should be used to that. If not, they might have felt judged even though you were not trying to judge them. I say if a guy/girl is not what the other guy/girl is looking for, no problem, just move on. Lots of fish in the sea...

"* I dated someone whose first purchases of choice were always alcohol and cigarettes, and so I would wind up paying for things like his kids' daycare when he would cry over "not having any money" but wanting to keep his kids." um... no...

Considering you don't hold the same standards for friends just says that this is a romantic preference. Nothing wrong with that. I just got to the part where you say: "I would like to know more about YOUR thoughts, such as:"
I actually don't have an answer to these because I'm not there yet in the dating scene but didn't want to erase my post because I wrote it all out and everything. :LOL:

I guess for this one:
Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?- I guess for some people that are looking for Mr/Mrs.. Perfect with no wiggle room. But people are fallen and will always fail us to some degree.

-My 2 Cents...
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
33,815
11,535
113
66
Tennessee
#31
Interesting that Christian high schools have the same drink/smoke/drug crowds as secular or Catholic schools do. As if people would get mad at you for having preferences!? Were they Christian dating sites? If so, the guys should be used to that. If not, they might have felt judged even though you were not trying to judge them. I say if a guy/girl is not what the other guy/girl is looking for, no problem, just move on. Lots of fish in the sea...

"* I dated someone whose first purchases of choice were always alcohol and cigarettes, and so I would wind up paying for things like his kids' daycare when he would cry over "not having any money" but wanting to keep his kids." um... no...

Considering you don't hold the same standards for friends just says that this is a romantic preference. Nothing wrong with that. I just got to the part where you say: "I would like to know more about YOUR thoughts, such as:"
I actually don't have an answer to these because I'm not there yet in the dating scene but didn't want to erase my post because I wrote it all out and everything. :LOL:

I guess for this one:
Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?- I guess for some people that are looking for Mr/Mrs.. Perfect with no wiggle room. But people are fallen and will always fail us to some degree.

-My 2 Cents...
I would not hold out hope for a perfect person in a prospective relationship as such a person does not exist. Realistic standards and high standards are often two different things altogether. I do believe that you should hold yourself to the same standard whatever it may be as to would you expect as far as a future spouse is concerned. You are right in saying that all people are fallen and will fail us to some degree. The thing is, you will fail a future spouse to some degree also. I agree with your estimation.
 

Princesse

Active member
Feb 16, 2020
259
123
43
#32
Snob (Oxford dictionary):

a. A person who admires and seeks to imitate, or associate with, those of higher social status or greater wealth; one who wishes to be regarded as a person of social importance.

b. A person who despises those whom he or she considers to be inferior in rank, attainment, or taste.

It is very unlikely that a snob would participate in this discussion or frequent the website. The overarching theme for people with that disposition is sticking with their own kind. Deviations are rare and usually become fodder for future comments within their circle.

The principle quality of snobbery is superiority. If you consider opinions or worry about pleasing others it’s probable you’re not a snob. :)

What kinds of dating standards do you have that people criticize, and why?

I’m selective with my time and company. Some men are bothered by my disinterest in letting them fill my ear or inbox with their musings. I can’t be won through the guise of friendship.

Has it caused you to change or make exceptions? What were the results?

I like assertive men and prefer those with strong leadership skills who aren’t afraid to act. Those who fall outside that group don’t appeal to me. I’d have difficulty following someone who was too afraid to approach or pursue his interest. It would weaken him in my eyes.

The qualities I find most appealing are frequently found in different circles. I realized the simplicity of looking elsewhere and connecting with someone who shared my faith whose temperament is more compatible. Rather than accepting inquiries in Christian settings.

I stopped them. Making allowances would mean going backwards. Providing exceptions for a believer that were easily met by others is not a possibility. I can’t smooth his path. Everyone enters through the same door.

Is there such a thing as having too high of standards?

No one can make that decision for anyone. If they’re satisfied with the results of their choice that’s none of my business. I know what I can live with and the things that will drive me away. I don’t need agreement or approval.

Where is the line between having high standards, and just plain being a snob?

I don’t have the liberty of dictating someone’s dating choices. People are drawn to different qualities. Complaints arise when someone feels passed over or left behind. You can’t make someone consider you or transgress their free will to obtain notice.

The line is the one you draw in the sand. That’s between you and God.
 
Jan 9, 2020
182
24
18
#33
My son has a friend who is 30 years old and doesn't date very much because his standards are so high. Supermodel or nothing! Sounds like a snob to me. :giggle:
That's me, hence i asked god to kill my sex drive and be set free hahaha. Honestly though it's not that hard to look "modelish", I would say majority of women can pull it off easily, it's just most don't even bother trying lol.
 
Jan 9, 2020
182
24
18
#34
OP def. not snobish what??! Sorry I don't want to date drug users, alcoholics, and deadbeats, how dare you have such high standards!
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
10,029
3,648
113
#35
snobbery has to do with wealth, class and race, its really got nothing to do with whether someone smokes or drinks or not. Its got nothing to do with moral standards either.

Snobs are people who look down on others who have less than they do and feel superior. Its a social status thing.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
10,029
3,648
113
#36
Classic text...Pride and Prejudice.

Othwerwise, not something Christians really ought to be worried about.

Go spread the gospel instead.