Kinda new here…need some advice

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
H

heartofdavid

Guest
I'm really not sure this is all that's helpful. It feels like you're laughing at the OP.
Got 4 teenagers raised and now out in society as productive citizens.

What is your score?
 

inge

Senior Member
Jun 23, 2012
238
9
0
Gracie, I was 25 when I met this guy online it was just a pen pal. After 2 years I went to his country. We got (carefully) a long distance relationship. Still seemed all nice, he was a real Christian, working hard, had good friends. I was very careful to see if he was really ok. I kept all the emails and went through them to see if he always answered the same way and I asked him all kind of questions. I wanted to be sure he was honest and real and responsible. Still all seemed fine. Missionaries working with him where very satisfied with him. (As far as I met them) To make a long story short. We got married when I was 30, he came to my country (a looooong painful paper process) and when we were married for 9 months I realised he was not ok. After 3 years it ended in a divorce.

I saw no sign before in the emails that he was not ok.
I saw no sign during my staying in his country that he was not ok for a relationship.
I saw no sign during his staying in my country for a holiday that he was not ok.

And I discussed my situation with family and friends whom all knew me as a very serious (thoroughly thinking things through) girl. I did discuss it because I did not want to make a wrong decision. A relationship is headed towards a marriage not just a fun thing to go through. There are things that need to be weighted in before you build an intimate relationship with a male. Through chats and penpal you can be wooed easily and swept of your feet. A third pair of eyes might keep you from the wrong track. I realized that and sometimes read the emails send to me through my moms eyes. (Later discussed them) You can do the same trick… what would your mom (or dad if you can more easily talk to him) say about the things he is telling you.
Afterwards I learned some things I could have done better "to test him".

Let my story be a warning for you. I cried bitter tears when it turned all so wrong.
 

Gracie_14

Senior Member
Jul 31, 2017
765
144
43
Gracie, I was 25 when I met this guy online it was just a pen pal. After 2 years I went to his country. We got (carefully) a long distance relationship. Still seemed all nice, he was a real Christian, working hard, had good friends. I was very careful to see if he was really ok. I kept all the emails and went through them to see if he always answered the same way and I asked him all kind of questions. I wanted to be sure he was honest and real and responsible. Still all seemed fine. Missionaries working with him where very satisfied with him. (As far as I met them) To make a long story short. We got married when I was 30, he came to my country (a looooong painful paper process) and when we were married for 9 months I realised he was not ok. After 3 years it ended in a divorce.

I saw no sign before in the emails that he was not ok.
I saw no sign during my staying in his country that he was not ok for a relationship.
I saw no sign during his staying in my country for a holiday that he was not ok.

And I discussed my situation with family and friends whom all knew me as a very serious (thoroughly thinking things through) girl. I did discuss it because I did not want to make a wrong decision. A relationship is headed towards a marriage not just a fun thing to go through. There are things that need to be weighted in before you build an intimate relationship with a male. Through chats and penpal you can be wooed easily and swept of your feet. A third pair of eyes might keep you from the wrong track. I realized that and sometimes read the emails send to me through my moms eyes. (Later discussed them) You can do the same trick… what would your mom (or dad if you can more easily talk to him) say about the things he is telling you.
Afterwards I learned some things I could have done better "to test him".

Let my story be a warning for you. I cried bitter tears when it turned all so wrong.
oh wow…thank you for sharing! im very sorry of what you went through. i will keep note of what you just said. do you think all long distance relationships end up to be a nightmare?
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,461
2,127
113
Not all. Many do, however. Especially if you've never actually met or seen each other on camera. Your reluctance in wanting to tell your parents speaks volumes.. Don't wait a year or 2 until you're old enough. Bite the bullet and tell them NOW. If you want to be treated as a responsible teenager, then you need to start acting like one, and that begins with telling your parents, and ending this so-called "relationship" with an adult man..


oh wow…thank you for sharing! im very sorry of what you went through. i will keep note of what you just said. do you think all long distance relationships end up to be a nightmare?
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
He's not laughing at the o.p.

It'll work.

All of us here who are parents just know that this will work!
Lol ok. Maybe I just have unusual parents ;).
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
oh wow…thank you for sharing! im very sorry of what you went through. i will keep note of what you just said. do you think all long distance relationships end up to be a nightmare?
My brother and sister have been happily married for over a year. So far, so good :D. They dated long distance. My cousin tried what appeared to be the exact same thing. The difference? they were both way young. (she was only 16 or 17) and way immature. That one ended in crushed feelings and heartbreak. So yes, they are possible. I think it takes even more commitment and maturity from both parties.
 

Gracie_14

Senior Member
Jul 31, 2017
765
144
43
My brother and sister have been happily married for over a year. So far, so good :D. They dated long distance. My cousin tried what appeared to be the exact same thing. The difference? they were both way young. (she was only 16 or 17) and way immature. That one ended in crushed feelings and heartbreak. So yes, they are possible. I think it takes even more commitment and maturity from both parties.
oh wow!! :) thanks for the post tinuviel. makes sense. did you brother or sister meet their spouses online?
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
oh wow!! :) thanks for the post tinuviel. makes sense. did you brother or sister meet their spouses online?
No, in each case it started with them meeting in person. In my brother's case they met at a young adult's retreat. They started sending group emails (my brother and sister on our side, and my now sister-in-law and her sister on their side). In the case of my cousin they met at church and started dating and then her family moved away and they tried unsuccessfully to keep up the relationship long-distance.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,461
2,127
113
Some long distance relationships work out, but many more do not... Plus he's in ITALY...
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
Some long distance relationships work out, but many more do not... Plus he's in ITALY...
I've only ever seen 4 long distance relationships. Only one that I've seen has worked out :(. But it can happen. Like I said, you need to know that the person is real (I totally would never be interested in an online relationship, myself), and I think it takes even more commitment and maturity.
 

Gracie_14

Senior Member
Jul 31, 2017
765
144
43
Some long distance relationships work out, but many more do not... Plus he's in ITALY...
so what, blue ladybug? what difference does it make if he was in France or any other country?
 
Apr 30, 2016
5,162
74
0
Not all. Many do, however. Especially if you've never actually met or seen each other on camera. Your reluctance in wanting to tell your parents speaks volumes.. Don't wait a year or 2 until you're old enough. Bite the bullet and tell them NOW. If you want to be treated as a responsible teenager, then you need to start acting like one, and that begins with telling your parents, and ending this so-called "relationship" with an adult man..
A 15 year old girl dating a 19 year old guy is not a girl dating a man.

4 or 5 years is the exact amount of years there should be between a gal and a guy.

Girls mature faster than boys.
A 15 year old is a child to a 15 year old girl.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,461
2,127
113
Because at least they'd be in the same state, or at least close driving distance and her parents could meet him. What if he wants her to go to his country from whatever country she's in? Obviously neither you nor her, sees the danger in this..


Would it have been better had he been within driving distance?
Why?
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,461
2,127
113
Well, I'm sorry but she IS still a child. AND she IS still under her parents care. And her reluctance to tell her parents about him, but wants to wait a year or two before even doing so, only shows how immature she really is... Like I told her before, if she wants to be treated like a responsible child, she needs to start with telling her parents about him. And not wait another year or two, then say "mom, dad, guess what? I've had an online boyfriend for the last few years"...


A 15 year old girl dating a 19 year old guy is not a girl dating a man.

4 or 5 years is the exact amount of years there should be between a gal and a guy.

Girls mature faster than boys.
A 15 year old is a child to a 15 year old girl.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,461
2,127
113
Like I told Fran, if he was in your own state or country, or within driving distance so your parents could take you and meet him, it would be more appropriate.. But as it stands now, you are only 15 and he is 19. I don't know the laws in your country, but in many places, the law prohibits adult men being with younger girls, especially teenagers. It seems you're hoping for us to tell you it's okay to carry on this farce, and hide it from your parents. A number of us have told you to tell them, and you seem rather reluctant to do so...that in turn makes you look rebellious.

so what, blue ladybug? what difference does it make if he was in France or any other country?
 
Apr 30, 2016
5,162
74
0
Because at least they'd be in the same state, or at least close driving distance and her parents could meet him. What if he wants her to go to his country from whatever country she's in? Obviously neither you nor her, sees the danger in this..
I must be getting senile.
I rather like this set up.
They're not dating.
No temptation to deal with.
And yet they keep each other company
and are able to communicate pleasantries.

IF this is still going on in a year or two
she'd HAVE TO TELL HER PARENTS because it
would mean it's serious. Right now it may not be.
No one can know for sure till they meet, anyway.

If he wanted her to come to Italy, she wouldn't come now.
She doesn't sound dumb. If that were the case she'd HAVE TO tell
her parents.

Anyway, I don't see that happening any time soon.
Plus, I might meet up with him in September.
Maybe even meet his parents --- Italians are like that.
We'll see.
 
Apr 30, 2016
5,162
74
0
Well, I'm sorry but she IS still a child. AND she IS still under her parents care. And her reluctance to tell her parents about him, but wants to wait a year or two before even doing so, only shows how immature she really is... Like I told her before, if she wants to be treated like a responsible child, she needs to start with telling her parents about him. And not wait another year or two, then say "mom, dad, guess what? I've had an online boyfriend for the last few years"...
Do you know how many girls get into trouble because they're dating REAL boyfriends?
Do you realize that she's actually safer than some girls are who are dating?
Do you know any girls in college? Do they feel safe walking around at night on their campus?

So she's 15 but still a child.
But you want her to be responsible and not be a child.
Make up your mind! Is she a child or not?

Do you know how old girls are nowadays when they have
their first encounter?

I say to leave her alone and let her enjoy her relationship.
No one is being hurt --- really no one.

IF this is still going on one or two years from now, she'll know what to do.

I'd be happy, personally, if my daughter told me, but I think she knows that she could.
At least I could tell her not to give out too much information. It seems like Gracie knows this.

And anyway, do we really think our kids have told us EVERYTHING they do???
I don't think so...
 

Gracie_14

Senior Member
Jul 31, 2017
765
144
43
I must be getting senile.
I rather like this set up.
They're not dating.
No temptation to deal with.
And yet they keep each other company
and are able to communicate pleasantries.

IF this is still going on in a year or two
she'd HAVE TO TELL HER PARENTS because it
would mean it's serious. Right now it may not be.
No one can know for sure till they meet, anyway.

If he wanted her to come to Italy, she wouldn't come now.
She doesn't sound dumb. If that were the case she'd HAVE TO tell
her parents.

Anyway, I don't see that happening any time soon.
Plus, I might meet up with him in September.
Maybe even meet his parents --- Italians are like that.
We'll see.
i know its the right thing to tell my parents. and i WILL soon. my bf insists that i do. thank you so much FranC for really understanding what im going through. i'll let you know when's the right time to meet him for me :)
 

Gracie_14

Senior Member
Jul 31, 2017
765
144
43
Well, I'm sorry but she IS still a child. AND she IS still under her parents care. And her reluctance to tell her parents about him, but wants to wait a year or two before even doing so, only shows how immature she really is... Like I told her before, if she wants to be treated like a responsible child, she needs to start with telling her parents about him. And not wait another year or two, then say "mom, dad, guess what? I've had an online boyfriend for the last few years"...
i am not neccessarily a child!! by the age of 12 a girl is biologically becoming a lady! yes, i am in my parents supervision and they have the right to know what im doing. people these days can be sooo JUDGEMENTAL! dont you understand im trying to figure out how i could tell my parents. they'll kill me! no one wants that. its not about being IMMATURE!!!