Why are so many women attracted to jerks?

livingepistle · Apr 30, 2013

I do agree with this statement with one caveat. Any Christian male concerned with pleasing God is heavily influenced by the Word and Spirit of God. They rely upon God's influence to temper carnal behavior--for men this takes a great deal of mental, physical, and spiritual discipline; especially, between 16 and 30-years of age.

Generally speaking, Christian women should neither tempt, challenge, nor take lightly the sensitivity of a Christian male. They may seem docile on the surface but there may be more man underneath than a Christian female may discern.

Respectfully submitted for all to consider

zeroturbulence · Apr 30, 2013

Uh oh I think this thread is turning into a bad. Maybe some humor is in order.

Catlynn · Apr 30, 2013

TheAristocat said:

zeroturbulence said:

*spends half an hour writing reply*
*loses it all when power randomly goes out*
*facepalm*

My point was simply that Jesus was not passive, but spoke in love and truth always. He called the Pharisees and Sadducees out and didn't let them trick Him. That said, He also laid down His life for us, which is pretty courageous.
I just think that young men need to be encouraged to be bold for Christ and for who they are in Him and to speak truth in all things. ^_^
Does that make more sense? Or not so much? Maybe I should exit this thread too. lol

seoulsearch · Apr 30, 2013

NOD!! I've missed you!! So good to have you back!!! *HUGS* Ok, now that I've gotten that out of my system...

Disclaimer: this is only based on my own experiences and observations. In EVERY group, men and women, jerks, divas, or nice girls and nice guys, there are good and bad, and all are capable of making the same mistakes, AS WE ALL KNOW. PLEASE DO NOT THINK I AM SAYING EVERYONE FITS INTO THE SAME BUCKET. I'm simply voicing my own experiences. Ok, having said that...

Zero--I've answered this question so many times over the years here, I almost have my post down to a science.

I'm sorry in that I didn't read all of the posts (just a few--would have read them all but am running out of time)... but here are my thoughts, which I know you've probably read before.

Here are my personal thoughts, raw and only slightly edited for the sake of the forum

.

1. Men and women are prone to what looks good to the eye. Guys who are jerks, women who are divas... are often good-looking. Simple as that.

2. Men and women are also often competitive. They want to know they were able to "tame" the guy or girl everyone else wanted... as well as being able to show off that they were able to snag themselves a hot commodity that everyone else wanted. What guy or girl DOESN'T want to be with someone who is admired or sought after by other people? Yeah, I know there are exceptions but as humans... We tend to like to think it was US who snagged the one everyone wanted and supposedly couldn't get. And men do this just as much as women.

3. With women especially, many have gone through various forms of abuse. The guy who is a jerk may be rough and tough, even to her, but she may see him as the only one who will protect her from (the ex-boyfriend, the stepfather, the father, the uncle... you get the drift.) Sure, she may then have to deal with abuse from HIM, but she can tell herself that this guy "loves" her and will somehow keep the other men who have been bad to her away from her. Men who are seen as "too nice" might not seem "safe enough" because, while they won't be abusive to her (though as I said, I've known plenty of women who were being abused by "nice" guys), they also won't, in their eyes, be able to protect her, either.

In addition, I've noticed a few "types" of "nice guys" as well. (PLEASE NOTE THAT I KNOW NOT ALL GUYS ARE LIKE THIS--I AM ONLY SPEAKING FROM MY OWN BAD EXPERIENCES):

1. The Self-Pitying Nice Guy -- He'll spend the entire date telling you how nice he is and WHHHHYYYY can't he get a girlfriend because he is JJJUUUSSSSSTTT SOOO NNNIIICCCCE and WHHHHHHYYYY can't women see that. Spending two hours listening to this guy tell you how overlooked he's been all his life is just as bad as listening to the bad boy tell you how many women want him. There's really no difference in the way of personal pride--it's two different sides of the same coin.

2. The Bitter Nice Guy -- This is the guy who will spend the entire time telling you how women are materialistic, soul-sucking vampires and that any woman they were interested in used him as an ATM. All I can say to that is, "Choose better women," but they're too busy telling you all the sins of OTHER women to even pay attention to the fact that you're the one who's offered to pay for their dinner. Just because you don't want to be added to the list of other soul-sucking demonesses he's already complaining about. No girl wants to sit down to dinner with a guy who is going to talk about other women the entire time... especially for negative reasons. Guys too--what guy wants to take out a girl who is going to talk about other men the entire time, good or bad??? Call me crazy but if I'm dating, it's to hopefully meet a great person and have fun/grow together... not try to make up for the last 10 women who did someone wrong and can't be convinced that I'm any different anyways.

3. The Desperate Nice Guy -- This is the guy who, beginning on Tuesday, asks what you're doing Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and for the next five years running... because he intends for you to spend every free moment with him during that time... and into the great blue yonder. He just met you on Monday and already has plans to take you home t meet his Mama that afternoon and then start planning your 50th wedding anniversary that evening (he's even bought the scrapbook.) He has good intentions and a good heart, but you start to hyperventilate every time you see him coming because you feel like you're suffocating long before he says, "I was just wondering if you're doing anything Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday... the rest of your life... "

And, in my experience... The Desperate Nice Guys who pursued me... were just Desperate for Someone to Fill the Void. When they got tired of me saying... Thank you, but... they simply moved on to the next 10 girls. Literally. Because the thing is, they genuinely think they're interested in you, but what they're really interested in is The Girl Who Will Say Yes. Which still makes a woman feel like a piece of meat. Which is only slightly different, but doesn't feel any better, than the guy who is stringing 10 girls along all at once. A guy with that big of a void in his heart... whether a jerk or a nice guy... will never find one woman to be enough. A jerk just goes out and seeks others to add to his harem... A nice guy with that much hurt will simply smother you to death.

I'm not saying don't ask the next girl out. I'm just saying... If you actively pursue 10 girls in a row the next year and a half, well... I'm glad I didn't say yes because I was obviously just a One Possible Candidate... nothing special.

I have been single a very long time--no relationships for 10 years. I'm NOT saying someone has to go that long. All I'm saying is, I hope that when I do find someone, he will know that he is truly special and unique to me, not just Another Possible Candidate Who Happened to be On My List.

And then there is the most heartbreaking: The Nice Guy Who Really Is a Nice Guy but you only like each other as friends. Believe me, I've been on the opposite side of the coin more times than I can count as well (The Nice Girl Who Who Fits Ever So Nicely in the FriendZone.)

All I can say is... with these choices... I haven't chosen the Bad or the Nice.

I simply choose to sit in my little tower (maybe it's more like a shack) alone because I can't see any of these possibilities as being very healthy for either person.

Catlynn · Apr 30, 2013

Okay....who wants to fight? Meet me in the alley in 10.

zeroturbulence · Apr 30, 2013

Catlynn said:

I must have misunderstood you then, sorry. It wouldn't be the first time I've done that around here :/

Kim - I can't read that right now but I will later.

T_Laurich · Apr 30, 2013

Catlynn said:

Your going down

Catlynn · Apr 30, 2013

Haha! Oh no my friend! I, like Cajun dude up there, also studied shotokan karate for many years. Joo gonna get eet! Mwahaha!

maxwel · Apr 30, 2013

Catlynn said:

Yeah, I'll go with that.

A young man looks in the bible and finds he's told to be meek, then he's told to be strong, then he's told to turn the other cheek, then he's told to be a soldier for Christ... and he's confused. So he looks to those around him to give him answers, and often those answers aren't very good.

It stems from this: we aren't told to "act" like Christ, we're told to "be" like Christ. It's hard for a young Christian man to grasp the difference between "acting" and "being"; it's hard to understand what it means to change, naturally, on the inside, as he slowly walks with Christ. So instead of this, he tries to "act" in some way he thinks will look right... and it's just an act... it's superficial. He may lack real courage, lack real strength, lack many of the "manly" qualities God wants men to have, because he hasn't learned to "be" a christian man... he has only learned some kind of "act". He's learned some kind of superficial, wimpy, act.

Examples of how things should be?
- It's a courageous and manly thing to turn the other cheek, in order to show someone the love of Christ.
However, it's not very manly to turn the other cheek because you're afraid of someone, and just pretending to be spiritual... if you're motivated by fear, then that same fear will make you deny your faith just as easily.
- Christ was not some wimp that was dragged around and nailed to a cross because he was too weak or too ignorant to get away. He was a man; he was the God-Man who had access to all the power of the universe... and he willingly gave himself for us. He showed men the ultimate feat of manliness.. to willingly, and fearlessly, give his life for others.

Conclusion:
A Christian "man" is sometimes required to do things which show meekness, humility, maybe even things that genuinely humiliate him... but they are never to be out of fear... they are to be choices he makes intentionally, with faith in God, and with courage. We don't see this very much in the U.S. anymore, but I've seen in much in other countries.

T_Laurich · Apr 30, 2013

Catlynn said:

Yo may have studied shotokan karateyour whole life, but I have studied Chuck Norris-Fu for the last 5 minutes.... I think you are in for a beat down...

Jullianna · Apr 30, 2013

T_Laurich said:

I could not agree more with this. I have dated these guys. I am hit on a lot by these guys.

Nod is right. They do not take no for an answer. They take it VERY personally. The more you try to get away, the more they will chase after you because they can't believe you had the nerve to say no to them. It's not that they are all that interested in YOU, it is simply an unacceptable blow to the ego.

I'm related to some of them and have watched them work the good looking charm card all of my life. Women flock to them like crazy.

Greeneyed_Cajun said:

Well said. Welcome to CC.

M527 · Apr 30, 2013

I believe females tend to lean towards males who are jerks & disrespectful because they feel that they need the attention. It's sad that these girls go for men like that but they do they feel that those men will give them the love they need. That's why as fathers and mothers its so vitally important to give our children the love and attention that is needed. No matter how hard they get.

Catlynn · Apr 30, 2013

maxwel said:

Yeah, I'll go with that.

A young man looks in the bible and finds he's told to be meek, then he's told to be strong, then he's told to turn the other cheek, then he's told to be a soldier for Christ... and he's confused. So he looks to those around him to give him answers, and often those answers aren't very good.

It stems from this: we aren't told to "act" like Christ, we're told to "be" like Christ. It's hard for a young Christian man to grasp the difference between "acting" and "being"; it's hard to understand what it means to change, naturally, on the inside, as he slowly walks with Christ. So instead of this, he tries to "act" in some way he thinks will look right... and it's just an act... it's superficial. He may lack real courage, lack real strength, lack many of the "manly" qualities God wants men to have, because he hasn't learned to "be" a christian man... he has only learned some kind of "act". He's learned some kind of superficial, wimpy, act.

Examples of how things should be?
- It's a courageous and manly thing to turn the other cheek, in order to show someone the love of Christ.
However, it's not very manly to turn the other cheek because you're afraid of someone, and just pretending to be spiritual... if you're motivated by fear, then that same fear will make you deny your faith just as easily.
- Christ was not some wimp that was dragged around and nailed to a cross because he was too weak or too ignorant to get away. He was a man; he was the God-Man who had access to all the power of the universe... and he willingly gave himself for us. He showed men the ultimate feat of manliness.. to willingly, and fearlessly, give his life for others.

Conclusion:
A Christian "man" is sometimes required to do things which show meekness, humility, maybe even things that genuinely humiliate him... but they are never to be out of fear... they are to be choices he makes intentionally, with faith in God, and with courage. We don't see this very much in the U.S. anymore, but I've seen in much in other countries.

Let's just pretend like THIS is what I started with. lol

Tintin · Apr 30, 2013

I often asked this question throughout high school. I was regularly bullied because I wore/wear glasses (oh noes!), was very short (no longer true) and loved/love to read books and discuss them meaningfully. I would sometimes be bullied by idiot guys who were trying to impress their girlfriends by beating on the little guy. I hated it and didn't understand why these intelligent, beautiful, caring girls would put up with this crap. The guys didn't seem to treat their girls well either. There's always some bad apples to spoil the bunch.

Liamson · Apr 30, 2013

I know that I can be a jerk and a nice guy.

But, I don't know that I am either really. I don't care to Jockey for the attention of anyone. If I will not be first then I will not pursue.

I have agreed with much of What Cajun has said, even when its been taken out of context.

I've been in my share of scraps, I've also spent my time biding my time.

I also feel like some women like men who take themselves too seriously. As men we laugh at the guys who do this but some women don't. Some women buy it hook line and sinker.

Also I don't play the Beta Male game either. Churches where I am from are full of women who have a herd of Friend-zoned guys who swarm them. No thanks, I'm not going to wade through their Man-harem just to try to Woo her. Because she is dense and if she doesn't see her own situation, there is nothing I can do to convince her of what is happening.

But Its not the Beta Nice guys that bug me, its the Jerks:

-Its like we see what the guy is doing but, they buy into it. And its like a Power Trip.

-Its the middle management guy picking on the high school girl to make himself feel good.

-Its the Karate Instructor who goes too far with a new student, to make himself look good.

-Its the guy who takes his job so seriously that you would think he was a fireman entering a conflagration instead of a painter, because he treats it like life or death.

-Its the Schmarmy guy who hits on every girl with the same lines and the same routine. Sure he's "Bold and Courageous." or maybe he just wants to have sex and he doesn't care who the girl is inside. (even if it takes months, he doesn't care about who they are, only how they look)

-Its the guy who shows up to church in his nice shiny pickup truck, month after month, trying to meet women but he is a walking facade. He's quiet because he's afraid of being exposed. He couldn't tell you the first 4 books of the new testament if his Rims depended on it. But he always eager to talk about how much money he makes.

-Its the Reformed Alcoholic who drinks occasionally and shows up to Bible studies to perpetually talk about his struggles and hopes the women will help "reform" him.

The women who fall for these men probably deserve them.

rachelsedge · Apr 30, 2013

Tintin said:

I've never really understood why people with glasses get bullied. It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, bullying in general doesn't make sense to me, but getting teased for having glasses? What is that?

There isn't much about a "bad boy" that appeals to me. Maybe the sense of adventure, but if you're going to treat other people I know, or me, like crud, then get out.

zeroturbulence · Apr 30, 2013

Liamson said:

I know that I can be a jerk and a nice guy.

But, I don't know that I am either really. I don't care to Jockey for the attention of anyone. If I will not be first then I will not pursue.

I have agreed with much of What Cajun has said, even when its been taken out of context.

I've been in my share of scraps, I've also spent my time biding my time.

I also feel like some women like men who take themselves too seriously. As men we laugh at the guys who do this but some women don't. Some women buy it hook line and sinker.

Also I don't play the Beta Male game either. Churches where I am from are full of women who have a herd of Friend-zoned guys who swarm them. No thanks, I'm not going to wade through their Man-harem just to try to Woo her. Because she is dense and if she doesn't see her own situation, there is nothing I can do to convince her of what is happening.

But Its not the Beta Nice guys that bug me, its the Jerks:

-Its like we see what the guy is doing but, they buy into it. And its like a Power Trip.

-Its the middle management guy picking on the high school girl to make himself feel good.

-Its the Karate Instructor who goes too far with a new student, to make himself look good.

-Its the guy who takes his job so seriously that you would think he was a fireman entering a conflagration instead of a painter, because he treats it like life or death.

-Its the Schmarmy guy who hits on every girl with the same lines and the same routine. Sure he's "Bold and Courageous." or maybe he just wants to have sex and he doesn't care who the girl is inside. (even if it takes months, he doesn't care about who they are, only how they look)

-Its the guy who shows up to church in his nice shiny pickup truck, month after month, trying to meet women but he is a walking facade. He's quiet because he's afraid of being exposed. He couldn't tell you the first 4 books of the new testament if his Rims depended on it. But he always eager to talk about how much money he makes.

-Its the Reformed Alcoholic who drinks occasionally and shows up to Bible studies to perpetually talk about his struggles and hopes the women will help "reform" him.

The women who fall for these men probably deserve them.

Oh man I was with you 100% until that last line.

seoulsearch · Apr 30, 2013

Tintin said:

Don't worry, TinTin.

I have a feeling... that there are several women here at CC who would find the guys who bullied you and beat the stuffing out of them on your behalf.

(Oops... not the Good Christian Answer I'm supposed to say... ER.. What I meant was... I'm sure many of the women here on CC would be willing to PRAY for them. Of course. Yeah, that's what I meant.)

OceanGrl · Apr 30, 2013

rachelsedge said:

I don't understand the "bad boy" appeal either, you can have adventure with the nice guys. The ones who will stand by you and treat you with the respect you deserve. All those silly girls who love bad boys can keep them. lol

JimJimmers · Apr 30, 2013

It boggles my mind that a girl would be impressed by a guy pushing around a short guy with glasses. Maybe they want to bully people, but don't want to ruin their "good girl" image, so they live vicariously through their boyfriends?

Why are so many women attracted to jerks?

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