Why are so many women attracted to jerks?
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G
"You hit the nail squarely on the head with perfect precision..." 
This - I believe - is "the crux of the matter" (entirely) ---- women tend to be drawn to, and "react" to, what they see 'on the surface' (which is "instantly" appealing), without looking 'further down underneath' (which must be searched out like treasure to find).
Let me explain...
In terms of honesty, integrity, morals, godliness, etc. (please understand the context) - and, even things like confidence -- a man can possess all of these things whether he has an 'active' or 'passive' demeanor.
Compare (please understand the context) :
'passive' - "walk softly and carry a big stick" (inward, private)
'active' - "walk boisterously and wave a big stick around" (outward, public)
There is a "quiet confidence" that a 'passive' man can possess - that may even surpass the "loud confidence" that an 'active' man has - in terms of the "true and real value" that it contains for the woman who can see it and understand it.
Yet - women are going to more quickly "take notice" of the 'active' man - because of the outward "surface" public display - intended for all to see. Whereas, the 'passive' man maintains an inward "deeper" private display - intended only for those closest to him to see.
The point of all of this is -- you can have just as much "adventure" with the 'nice' guys as anyone else -- you just have to "dig a little deeper" in order to "make the connection" needed to "open up the possibilities"...
In other words:
'active' - "easy, quick, instant, on-the-surface feel (whether true or not) of appeal / excitement / safety / security / etc."
'passive' - "have to work at finding out what the real man is all about so that a definite 'true' connection may be made"
The thing is -- the same appeal / excitement / safety / security / etc. may be had with either -- however, the 'passive' route takes more time, effort, and patience - but, usually yields the better long-term result...
All of the things that women believe the "bad boys" can "deliver" -- the "nice guys" can "deliver" also (even better, I think); however, a woman is initially [far?] more interested in how a guy can make her feel than whether he is "good for her" in the long-term...
( And, that is "the crux of the matter"... )
"Sorry ladies -- I do not mean to make women seem 'shallow' (or anything like that) ---- but -- this is honestly the way I see it..."
In the example above, the "big stick" represents the man's ability to "deliver" appeal / excitement / safety / security / etc.
( I am not saying that 'active' always goes with "bad boy" or that 'passive' always goes with "nice guy"; I am just trying to illustrate the difference with what I believe is "at the core" of the behavior. )
This - I believe - is "the crux of the matter" (entirely) ---- women tend to be drawn to, and "react" to, what they see 'on the surface' (which is "instantly" appealing), without looking 'further down underneath' (which must be searched out like treasure to find).
Let me explain...
In terms of honesty, integrity, morals, godliness, etc. (please understand the context) - and, even things like confidence -- a man can possess all of these things whether he has an 'active' or 'passive' demeanor.
Compare (please understand the context) :
'passive' - "walk softly and carry a big stick" (inward, private)
'active' - "walk boisterously and wave a big stick around" (outward, public)
There is a "quiet confidence" that a 'passive' man can possess - that may even surpass the "loud confidence" that an 'active' man has - in terms of the "true and real value" that it contains for the woman who can see it and understand it.
Yet - women are going to more quickly "take notice" of the 'active' man - because of the outward "surface" public display - intended for all to see. Whereas, the 'passive' man maintains an inward "deeper" private display - intended only for those closest to him to see.
The point of all of this is -- you can have just as much "adventure" with the 'nice' guys as anyone else -- you just have to "dig a little deeper" in order to "make the connection" needed to "open up the possibilities"...
In other words:
'active' - "easy, quick, instant, on-the-surface feel (whether true or not) of appeal / excitement / safety / security / etc."
'passive' - "have to work at finding out what the real man is all about so that a definite 'true' connection may be made"
The thing is -- the same appeal / excitement / safety / security / etc. may be had with either -- however, the 'passive' route takes more time, effort, and patience - but, usually yields the better long-term result...
All of the things that women believe the "bad boys" can "deliver" -- the "nice guys" can "deliver" also (even better, I think); however, a woman is initially [far?] more interested in how a guy can make her feel than whether he is "good for her" in the long-term...
( And, that is "the crux of the matter"... )
"Sorry ladies -- I do not mean to make women seem 'shallow' (or anything like that) ---- but -- this is honestly the way I see it..."
In the example above, the "big stick" represents the man's ability to "deliver" appeal / excitement / safety / security / etc.
( I am not saying that 'active' always goes with "bad boy" or that 'passive' always goes with "nice guy"; I am just trying to illustrate the difference with what I believe is "at the core" of the behavior. )
F
You've missed the point. I wasn't talking about romantic involvements with ones boss. We're talking about the fact that a lot of women go for jerks vs nice guys.
What you're saying is I'm a jerk yet I never seem to be able to attract women. Based on the comments in this thread that would be illogical.
I'm certainly not attracted to the type of women you describe and do in fact avoid and/or ignore them.
I don't always agree with women because they're not always right and women that do think they are just chauvinists.
I think poorly of women? Not all. Women are sinners too and some are clearly walking down the road of perdition.
I've seen women marry jerks and seen the consequences all too often.
I've been in the battlefield. In my 20s I never had a gf or was even dating. I was therefore told I must be homosexual. I was also told I wasn't attractive either. I nearly lost my job because of this. Who did this come from? Yes it was women. I have also been told three times that I can recall that my dna should never enter the gene pool. All from women. Do you think those kind of women are going to go for a guy who is nice? I don't think so. Those women eventually split from their partners.
Really to sum this whole thread up, opposites do not attract and people will attract people that are like themselves. It's like gears meshing isn't it? I can't see a nice kind women being with a jerk because that'll annoy him and he'll just abuse her but women have been known to do this to try and change him. Look a leopard can't change its spots and the bible is very clear about this. I haven't seen lemons growing on an orange tree in the last little while.
What you're saying is I'm a jerk yet I never seem to be able to attract women. Based on the comments in this thread that would be illogical.
I'm certainly not attracted to the type of women you describe and do in fact avoid and/or ignore them.
I don't always agree with women because they're not always right and women that do think they are just chauvinists.
I think poorly of women? Not all. Women are sinners too and some are clearly walking down the road of perdition.
I've seen women marry jerks and seen the consequences all too often.
I've been in the battlefield. In my 20s I never had a gf or was even dating. I was therefore told I must be homosexual. I was also told I wasn't attractive either. I nearly lost my job because of this. Who did this come from? Yes it was women. I have also been told three times that I can recall that my dna should never enter the gene pool. All from women. Do you think those kind of women are going to go for a guy who is nice? I don't think so. Those women eventually split from their partners.
Really to sum this whole thread up, opposites do not attract and people will attract people that are like themselves. It's like gears meshing isn't it? I can't see a nice kind women being with a jerk because that'll annoy him and he'll just abuse her but women have been known to do this to try and change him. Look a leopard can't change its spots and the bible is very clear about this. I haven't seen lemons growing on an orange tree in the last little while.
T
Wow. I'm so sorry! That's low of those women. I bet that they hated themselves and took it out on others to relieve their pain. Just like any classic bully. I'm not making light of your situation, it's deplorable how they treated you. I've never been on a date and have also been told I must be a homosexual because of this, also that I'm ugly, by both guys and girls. So I can relate to a degree.
F
Thanks Tintin.
My ex (thought I still don't even know if she really was a gf as such) told me I wouldn't be a good father so I included that because to me it means the same thing. The last one was rather recent. Anybody weaker probably would've crumbled into dust though of course I'm not strong in my own strength.
I just get upset when women band together and start picking on men and don't acknowledge their own faults and portray themselves as perfect little angels and - that they hold the purse strings so to speak. Women do treat men poorly (no doubt about that) and whatever the reason there's no excuse. It's a double standard. This is exactly how feminism started and now I believe it's reversed. It was bound to degenerate anyway of course.
I've been put down/criticised/condemned by men as well but nowhere near to the degree that women have. Now in my 40s some women are saying just the opposite. To be fair I know who I am and how the world works now but there was never any excuse for a women to be rotten to a guy unless the guy was being rotten of course. I was likely just around the wrong kind of women for a fair while.
If a women expect a certain standard from men then men also have that right.
I believe you're a nice guy Tintin and certainly not ugly. Those people will reap what they sow in due course.
My ex (thought I still don't even know if she really was a gf as such) told me I wouldn't be a good father so I included that because to me it means the same thing. The last one was rather recent. Anybody weaker probably would've crumbled into dust though of course I'm not strong in my own strength.
I just get upset when women band together and start picking on men and don't acknowledge their own faults and portray themselves as perfect little angels and - that they hold the purse strings so to speak. Women do treat men poorly (no doubt about that) and whatever the reason there's no excuse. It's a double standard. This is exactly how feminism started and now I believe it's reversed. It was bound to degenerate anyway of course.
I've been put down/criticised/condemned by men as well but nowhere near to the degree that women have. Now in my 40s some women are saying just the opposite. To be fair I know who I am and how the world works now but there was never any excuse for a women to be rotten to a guy unless the guy was being rotten of course. I was likely just around the wrong kind of women for a fair while.
If a women expect a certain standard from men then men also have that right.
I believe you're a nice guy Tintin and certainly not ugly. Those people will reap what they sow in due course.
K
I guess the feeling of wanting to make a difference in someone else's life?
Or maybe that's just my naivety talking...
Often, I found that these "jerks" were just guys who couldn't put themselves in other people's shoes.
Who lacked understanding and consideration... then again if life doesn't teach them these things, I think the love and guidance of a good woman will.
Or maybe that's just my naivety talking...
Often, I found that these "jerks" were just guys who couldn't put themselves in other people's shoes.
Who lacked understanding and consideration... then again if life doesn't teach them these things, I think the love and guidance of a good woman will.
S
I like where iTORE is going with this, and hesitate to point out the following... but am pointing it out anyway...
Most guys are either looking for a bad girl with a good streak (the proverbial "hooker with a heart of gold") or a good girl with a bad streak ("teaches Sunday School, but Not on Saturday nights!"). Similarly, most girls are either looking for a bad boy, with a good streak ("drives a stolen motorcycle, but raises money for orphans") or a good guy with a bad streak ("teaches Sunday School, but Not on Saturday nights!"). Maybe you've got your own examples. Maybe you've Lived your own examples. Either way, you ought to be smellin what I'm steppin in there... The cold simple fact that as Christians we ought to be looking for a Good one with a Good streak - "Teaches Sunday school because they have a heart of gold & raises money for orphans even on a Saturday night."
Hmm... I think I'm back around to iTORE's point. We need to work a little Romans 12:1&2 in ourselves, being Constantly Transformed, and the fellas hold out for our Proverbs 31 woman and the women hold out for a man Worthy of a P31! God did set the standards... why must we settle for less? Why should we settle for less? We should Not settle for less than what God intends for us.
Most guys are either looking for a bad girl with a good streak (the proverbial "hooker with a heart of gold") or a good girl with a bad streak ("teaches Sunday School, but Not on Saturday nights!"). Similarly, most girls are either looking for a bad boy, with a good streak ("drives a stolen motorcycle, but raises money for orphans") or a good guy with a bad streak ("teaches Sunday School, but Not on Saturday nights!"). Maybe you've got your own examples. Maybe you've Lived your own examples. Either way, you ought to be smellin what I'm steppin in there... The cold simple fact that as Christians we ought to be looking for a Good one with a Good streak - "Teaches Sunday school because they have a heart of gold & raises money for orphans even on a Saturday night."
Hmm... I think I'm back around to iTORE's point. We need to work a little Romans 12:1&2 in ourselves, being Constantly Transformed, and the fellas hold out for our Proverbs 31 woman and the women hold out for a man Worthy of a P31! God did set the standards... why must we settle for less? Why should we settle for less? We should Not settle for less than what God intends for us.
Kleia,
I think they're talking about the kinds of guys that don't want guidance.
: )
But as far as just normal guys....
in the U.S., back in the days of the "wild west", they say it was truly wild and dangerous until
women started moving out there.
They say that women showing up caused the men to all start acting more civilized lol.
I imagine that's true.
We even have an expression that "women tamed the west".
I think they're talking about the kinds of guys that don't want guidance.
: )
But as far as just normal guys....
in the U.S., back in the days of the "wild west", they say it was truly wild and dangerous until
women started moving out there.
They say that women showing up caused the men to all start acting more civilized lol.
I imagine that's true.
We even have an expression that "women tamed the west".
H
I respectfully disagree. Naturally, since this is a matter of attraction, everyone has their own preferences.
I have virtually zero tolerance for someone who chooses to just let life happen, chooses to always be a victim of their circumstances, thow pity parties, who chooses not to take a proactive role in their own life. That sort of behavior spills over into your work ethic, your ability to resolve conflicts, your ability to stand up for the things you believe. It's also incredibly annoying. I wouldn't entertain dating, much less marrying, that sort of man for a minute.
I have virtually zero tolerance for someone who chooses to just let life happen, chooses to always be a victim of their circumstances, thow pity parties, who chooses not to take a proactive role in their own life. That sort of behavior spills over into your work ethic, your ability to resolve conflicts, your ability to stand up for the things you believe. It's also incredibly annoying. I wouldn't entertain dating, much less marrying, that sort of man for a minute.
Been there tried it. A jerk is a jerk, yes in time people can change. A guy friend of mine was a jerk to girls. I would discuss with him at length how wrong his behavior was. At one point, before I was married, he wanted to date me. He said he would never treat me like that. I didn't believe him. It's been 15 years since our many conversations about how he treats women and he still treats women the same. I would pray for someone, but don't go into a relationship thinking you can change someone. It doesn't work. God Bless you.
J
I have heard this come out of the mouths of women in battered women's shelters more often than I care to count....while I am looking at clumps of missing hair, broken teeth, bruises, swollen jaws, busted lips and fingers that have been twisted until broken....
This is NOT a price God wants women to pay for missionary dating. Please do not do this.
This is NOT a price God wants women to pay for missionary dating. Please do not do this.
This is a pattern I've noticed as well. You see a girl who's kind of shaken-up, "me and my boyfriend had a fight last night. He threw me onto the bed and screamed at me."
"If he's so abusive, why do you go out with him?"
"He's just misguided. He'll change."
If you want to change a "jerk", do so as a friend, not a lover.
"If he's so abusive, why do you go out with him?"
"He's just misguided. He'll change."
If you want to change a "jerk", do so as a friend, not a lover.