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So,my day of SHRED has come to an end. Well,it was more like rip & tear,then shred. I can't believe how many stinkin' pic we had from our wedding. Ones all in color...then ones all in black & white..then all ones in sepia...good grief. I was pleased to find out I was only in 25% of them. I was going through some old boxes with other photo's & came across a box I had sealed up & never looked through that my Mom had sent me before she died,which had pics of me I totally forgot about,and pretty much every card or silly pic I'd drawn for her since I was like 7 or 8. It made me pretty sad for a bit,then I found mixed in the box a card from my ex-wife that she'd sent from Colorado on her trip across the USA before she moved back to the UK for good. The card was a sympathy card about my Mom's death. I was shocked to re-read the card,as I must have just been too out of it to notice the 1st time what she'd written. She wrote..."I am so very sorry for hurting you,I know it's my fault that we're apart,and I can't imagine how horrible losing your Mother must be. I will always love & care for you."...then it goes on a bit more & she signed it from her & the dog. I tossed it back in the box with all the stuff from my Mom...for now. Part of me wants to keep it,as something to gloat about & say to the world,"See..see..I have it in writing by her own admission that the divorce was her fault,her choice not mine!",and then I stop & think how very un christ-like that is. Jesus certainly would never throw up someone's admission of guilt or regret in their face. He'd lovingly forgive them & speak blessings over them. maybe if I am 100% honest with myself...once I throw that card away,there is nothing left of us. It will be as though we never knew one another,as if the last 11 years were nothing more than a dream/nightmare. It's so very strange. I spoke to someone recently & they asked me a very odd question. They asked me what I would do if my ex-wife called me up & said that she'd gotten saved & wanted to get back together with me..would I take her back? My response after really thinking about it,was "no". I can forgive,but I don't think I'd ever be able to trust again. I'm sure that's not the biblical thing or response that should be given,but then again...our union wasn't biblical to begin with. I didn't really feel like debating it...I just don't think I could. I'm not in love with her anymore. I'd love to know that one day she would come to accept Jesus into her heart..she'd be such a great witness & she does have a giving heart. I can imagine God using her greatly if she ever came to know his love. So, that was much of my day...cleaning,sorting...many emotions. One nice thing was being able to spend time with a woman I am developing a closer relationship with. She is a Godly woman. Such a different creature than what I am used to. I grew up around christian women,but never dated or had any sort of romance or feelings towards one. I feel like a fish out of water in a sense. As much as she makes me laugh,she calms me & something in her tone let's me know that everything's good...and that there is hope. I certainly value her friendship & wisdom. lol she even puts up with my denseness...typical man stuff,yanno...sometimes I just don't get what a woman is trying to convey,but she helps me along...slowly but surely until I get the point. Well,I think my minutes in steams is about to expire,I'll be back later when I get more change for the meter.
I
90 degrees here today. Off in a bit to do all the usual paperwork & see the company nurse jazz before starting back to work.
I am really fighting a lot of fear & anxiety today. In the past month I've had some real financial issues,and if things could go wrong they have...which has been ongoing now for a year & a half. Just as I see a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel,a new issue comes up & I have to deal with that. Much of these things have been 100% out of control and I don't speak about them to most people...very very few know the depths of what I have been dealing with since the time of my divorce. The only thing I can think is that God is seriously trying to show me that I need to reply on him 100% for things like never before. Like I've said before,it would be awesome if you could see what was coming around the corner when you were younger,then maybe you'd have made a different choice here & there along the way that might have spared you some heartache. I need a serious miracle in the next week or so. God is faithful even if that miracle doesn't happen,as much as it is crazy to say that,I know it's true. I really do feel that I am coming undone & being stripped of all my desires...physical & mental. I think God is saying gently to me that he needs me empty for whatever he wants to fill me with,and I know in my heart that there can be no more "me"...not if I want to truly serve God in the capacity he wants. What that is,I have no idea. *I feel like I am somewhere in that storm you shared pics of with me, Michelle!*
I am really fighting a lot of fear & anxiety today. In the past month I've had some real financial issues,and if things could go wrong they have...which has been ongoing now for a year & a half. Just as I see a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel,a new issue comes up & I have to deal with that. Much of these things have been 100% out of control and I don't speak about them to most people...very very few know the depths of what I have been dealing with since the time of my divorce. The only thing I can think is that God is seriously trying to show me that I need to reply on him 100% for things like never before. Like I've said before,it would be awesome if you could see what was coming around the corner when you were younger,then maybe you'd have made a different choice here & there along the way that might have spared you some heartache. I need a serious miracle in the next week or so. God is faithful even if that miracle doesn't happen,as much as it is crazy to say that,I know it's true. I really do feel that I am coming undone & being stripped of all my desires...physical & mental. I think God is saying gently to me that he needs me empty for whatever he wants to fill me with,and I know in my heart that there can be no more "me"...not if I want to truly serve God in the capacity he wants. What that is,I have no idea. *I feel like I am somewhere in that storm you shared pics of with me, Michelle!*
M
I'm doing my best not to go into panic mode, in order to keep both the kiddos from also freaking out. I've been calm, orderly, going about things as normally as possible, and they STILL know we're doing something out of the ordinary, and they STILL are both going crazy.
Moments when I would really prefer to find a dark corner, curl into the fetal position, and put my hands over my ears and let someone else be Mommy for a while...
I always feel like such a failure during times like this. Well, not RIGHT this moment, for a few minutes they're quiet and happy. But the whole day is going to be an exercise in-
Just an exercise.
Moments when I would really prefer to find a dark corner, curl into the fetal position, and put my hands over my ears and let someone else be Mommy for a while...
I always feel like such a failure during times like this. Well, not RIGHT this moment, for a few minutes they're quiet and happy. But the whole day is going to be an exercise in-
Just an exercise.
My wedding. "It" meaning my wedding. I had talked about it earlier in my post but then edited part of it out, and then forgot to clarify again.
I meant for a future wedding, when/if I do get married.Shutting up now.
Got my first call from Denise today. She only had a short time to talk. She sounded so clear and concise. It was so nice to hear "her" again.
I had told her I was going to share some things about her journey but I didn't go into detail. I didn't have time today to tell her about the story that I have been sharing in parts in the testimonial section here. So I am sure some of you can imagine my joy when I found out that she had drawn a picture from memory as best as she could that was a replica of the drawing I drew for her 23 years ago that she put on her group home wall that says "Chitown Love".
The past week was tough as I have not been really sure where everything is leading to. My primary interest is her healing and recovery. I am telling the story in the testimonial section without even fully knowing the ending. I put my full trust in God that it is all done in His glory though. I didn't write much this past week. The phone call I got today was the motivation that I needed.
I had told her I was going to share some things about her journey but I didn't go into detail. I didn't have time today to tell her about the story that I have been sharing in parts in the testimonial section here. So I am sure some of you can imagine my joy when I found out that she had drawn a picture from memory as best as she could that was a replica of the drawing I drew for her 23 years ago that she put on her group home wall that says "Chitown Love".
The past week was tough as I have not been really sure where everything is leading to. My primary interest is her healing and recovery. I am telling the story in the testimonial section without even fully knowing the ending. I put my full trust in God that it is all done in His glory though. I didn't write much this past week. The phone call I got today was the motivation that I needed.
I
96 degrees today. My buddy I commute to work with & I looked at one another on our way into the building to see the work nurse and said almost in unison,"Why is it always in the 90's & sweltering when we have to come here every year?"
We were there a ridiculously longer time than we thought we'd be. The nurse was being a pain in my buns,I won't go into detail,but let's just leave it at the fact that people love to give you advice or tell you to get something checked out not realizing you don't have money to visit a doctor for every little bump or bruise you have. I saw lot's of Somalians getting hired today. In Maine there is a huge group of them in the city I work in. I don't know the entire back story,but I guess because they were displaced,a large group were welcomed here & given $50K to start their lives over in the USA. Many locals here hate them & blame them for most of the crime in the area,they all seem to live packed into a 7-8 block radius in the downtown area. I've been through the area & it looks like a war zone. As this woman was filling out her info,her eldest son was speaking to her in their language & they were chatting back & forth about who knows what. Her youngest son who was pretty stinkin' adorable kept smiling at me & rocking on his chair ,which of course Mom did not approve of. She said something to him that I am guessing was the equivalent of "Stop acting like a little monkey & sit in the chair correctly!" I guess Mom's are Mom's & kid's are kid's in any culture. LOL I will confess...for a split fleeting second the thought crossed my mind that I may have cheated myself out of something good by never having kids. I was a very very quick thought. lol I still do believe I was not meant to have my own flesh & blood children,but I used to joke with various women in my life that I would however adopt a kid...like a kid that no one wanted...I would look through the kid adopting book & I'd pick a kid that was older than the "desirable" age or one that was from a nationality/race that,again...people found "undesirable". Ha! I dunno,I guess I just like the underdog. Maybe that's why I have always loved Pit Bulls. I never ,even as a small child understand why anyone would think a breed of dog was "evil" & not realize that the owners are the one's responsible for poisoning that dog with fear ,hatred & aggression. It's not the dog's fault! Why is it that we can look at a child who grows up in a bad home,then becomes a druggie or a criminal,or does bad things in life because all they have known was evil...we have no issues with reaching out to them,seeing the good in them..helping them...but yet,if an animal is messed up from abuse they are put down,thrown in shelters,demonized,or worse yet...abused even more. Why is it that we don't for one minute think that this breaks God's heart? He gave us such a beautiful creation in animals & nature & we just spit on it. Oh..man,well I have gone on another one of my tangents...as always. I suppose this is the one place I should reserve my tangents for. Once again...the meter needs more coins.
We were there a ridiculously longer time than we thought we'd be. The nurse was being a pain in my buns,I won't go into detail,but let's just leave it at the fact that people love to give you advice or tell you to get something checked out not realizing you don't have money to visit a doctor for every little bump or bruise you have. I saw lot's of Somalians getting hired today. In Maine there is a huge group of them in the city I work in. I don't know the entire back story,but I guess because they were displaced,a large group were welcomed here & given $50K to start their lives over in the USA. Many locals here hate them & blame them for most of the crime in the area,they all seem to live packed into a 7-8 block radius in the downtown area. I've been through the area & it looks like a war zone. As this woman was filling out her info,her eldest son was speaking to her in their language & they were chatting back & forth about who knows what. Her youngest son who was pretty stinkin' adorable kept smiling at me & rocking on his chair ,which of course Mom did not approve of. She said something to him that I am guessing was the equivalent of "Stop acting like a little monkey & sit in the chair correctly!" I guess Mom's are Mom's & kid's are kid's in any culture. LOL I will confess...for a split fleeting second the thought crossed my mind that I may have cheated myself out of something good by never having kids. I was a very very quick thought. lol I still do believe I was not meant to have my own flesh & blood children,but I used to joke with various women in my life that I would however adopt a kid...like a kid that no one wanted...I would look through the kid adopting book & I'd pick a kid that was older than the "desirable" age or one that was from a nationality/race that,again...people found "undesirable". Ha! I dunno,I guess I just like the underdog. Maybe that's why I have always loved Pit Bulls. I never ,even as a small child understand why anyone would think a breed of dog was "evil" & not realize that the owners are the one's responsible for poisoning that dog with fear ,hatred & aggression. It's not the dog's fault! Why is it that we can look at a child who grows up in a bad home,then becomes a druggie or a criminal,or does bad things in life because all they have known was evil...we have no issues with reaching out to them,seeing the good in them..helping them...but yet,if an animal is messed up from abuse they are put down,thrown in shelters,demonized,or worse yet...abused even more. Why is it that we don't for one minute think that this breaks God's heart? He gave us such a beautiful creation in animals & nature & we just spit on it. Oh..man,well I have gone on another one of my tangents...as always. I suppose this is the one place I should reserve my tangents for. Once again...the meter needs more coins.