frustrated

[Meridoc]

I feel the need to vent.

There are so many times I am frustrated by who I am. This is not to say that I dislike who I am, indeed it is the complete opposite in fact. The frustration comes from people's(even friends) inability to understand me. The first major frustration is the fact that no one seems to believe me when I tell them something about myself. This does not happen for everything, but I have many an instance where someone(even a friend) is shocked by something I do or say and all I feel like saying is "DUH!!", I told you that's how I am. This especially happens with women and I have lost female friends over this stuff. Now you are probably thinking I am talking about negative behaviour, but I am talking about something as simple as paying for dinner or buying flowers for a friend that is down. In most cases I have finally stopped putting my name on the card with the flowers and have them delivered. The truth is I don't even want the recognition for it, its just something I enjoy doing. The second thing that drives me nuts is the looks or comments I get just because I like, enjoy, think or even do certain things. There are to many examples to get into, but I will share a couple. One I enjoy clothes shopping with my sisters and my female friends, my guy friends often either say something stupid or just shake their heads when they hear that. I love chick flicks, I get massive amounts of flack for that. The last frustration I will share at this time is just something I don't understand and others around me either don't understand either or are not willing or interested to explain it to me. For whatever reason there is something about who I am that leads women be interested in me but then not want to date me. They don't want to jeopardize our friendship, cause for some reason I am too valuable as a friend, or something. The only people I have gone out with were people I didn't become friends with first. I don't know if anyone feels like I do, but I have come to the conclusion either I am an alien or some sort of third gender. Because all I can say is I don't fit into the existing male OR female categories very well.

 

[Jordan9]

"For whatever reason there is something about who I am that leads women be interested in me but then not want to date me."

This, my friend, is called the "friend zone." It's happened to me countless times. Don't ask me how to get out of it, 'cause I don't know.

I've talked to some of my friends about it, but their advice wasn't worth taking. For example, one of my good (though non-Christian) buddies told me something to the effect of, "Stop being so available to ____ [the particular girl I was interested at the time.] Cease the friendship until she's willing to take it further." But see, I'd rather be single than do that.

So yeah, be patient I guess. Also, let your intentions be known with women you are interested in romantically.

 

[1still_waters]

Is it possible you're trying too hard to be the stereotypical 'nice guy'? I mean you mentioned that you pay the check and get flowers and stuff. Which is good! But it kind of sounds like you're trying the 'nice guy' approach too much. Almost to the point it doesn't seem natural, but almost forced.

You also mentioned that you like stereotypical girly things like shopping and chick flicks.

Keep in mind, I really don't know you and I'm just extracting as much insight as is possible from your one paragraph online here.

First you spent like eight sentences kind of reflecting on yourself. Next you mentioned that you do a lot of nice guy stuff, almost like you do it too much (just my perspective). Then you mentioned you enjoy doing some girly things like shopping and chick flicks.

It's almost like you've noticed some of the major qualities of females and tried to incorporate those in to your own personality, ie the shopping and chick flicks, maybe hoping that this would give you an 'in' with women.

I'm having a hard time getting at my main idea here.

Ok...

Maybe you're spending too much effort reflecting on the intricacies of your personality, too much effort trying to be the 'nice guy' and too much effort trying to be interested in things girls like (ie the shopping and chick-flicks).

I think women want a guy who's thoughtful, sweet, nice and can share some of their interests.

But they might find someone who's too absorbed into their own psyche, trying too hard to be nice, trying too hard to be interested in female interests - they may find this as beyond what they want in a 'man'.

That's just my two cents. And keep in mind, I'm going off of ONE paragraph you wrote. In other words I could totally be missing the mark here.

 

[JesusChaser]

Hey dude meri don't panic! Just to let you know I found myself fitting into basically everyone of your categories except for maybe one or two. People don't or can't understand me or who I am which causes great problems for me. I too have lost female friends or 'scared' them away because of certain things i've done like flowers among other things. You are naturally a good guy that gets the joy out of seeing someone happy right? We are in the same boat my brother. It's not about what you get but how happy it makes them. Now when it comes to clothes shopping i'm not a big fan cuz i'm a little too big to find stuff to fit me so I don't like to look and see what I can't get but I go with my dude friend alot and he helps me with style. I have to worst sence of style. I love watching a chick flick every once in awhile and there is nothing wrong with that. And that my friend is called the friend zone most commonly know as platonic friends which means a girl wants to be only friends and nothing more. I have right around 8 platonic friends and it is quite interesting. Well dude we are basically one and the same you and I. Haha. So don't worry. Everything will work out for you God has a plan.

Hope that helped.

God Bless.

 

[SamIam]

yeah what that guy said... its called ''the friend zone'' you know, like how joey explained it to ross on friends..

 

[seoulsearch]

Wow! I think it's really cool to see all guys posting in reply to this subject--sharing their thoughts and experiences.

Being a girl , I was just wondering if maybe your female friends and/or girls you are interested in may feel as if you are coming on too strong? Have they ever mentioned that in one of your conversations?

What I mean is--will you buy flowers, dinner, offer to watch chick flicks, and go shopping all with/for the same girl or girls you are around, or offer to do tons of nice things for them in relatively short amounts of time? For many women (especially an independent one), this might come across as being way too strong and yes, that can be a little scary to a girl, no matter how nice the guy is. Most women like time to themselves and time with their female friends. A guy who offered to come along (basically replacing a female friend) is yes, usually automatically put into the "friend" category in a woman's mind because basically doing all the things with her that a "regular friend, often female" will do.

Now, I'm not saying these things aren't great because they are (I know you're probably thinking, "ACK!! I thought women LIKED it when guys do these kinds of things!") I can't speak for all women, but as a woman myself, yes, I love it when guys are into these things... just as long as he doesn't want to spend every waking hour with me and/or doesn't offer to be there ALL the time because I need my own space and breathing room. I also offer to pay my own way (it's GREAT when a guy offers to pay... usually though, unless it's an established relationship, and even then... I offer to pay my own way or sometimes for both of us so that he won't feel obligated, burdened, or that things are one-sided.)

I have had guy friends who sound very much like you (and I think they're wonderful, don't get me wrong), but I've also had the problem of them being a bit too smothering (wanting to go do something several times a week... then being upset that I can't or simply don't want to because I have several other commitments and also like some alone time.) I feel very uncomfortable with someone who gives me the vibe that he wants/and or expects me to spend most of my free time with him in a relatively short amount of time (I'm NOT trying to imply that you are like this, I'm just giving an example.)

The point was also made in an earlier post that we can only base our replies off one paragraph, so maybe I'm missing the mark as well, but these are just some thoughts. Funny thing, I don't like chick flicks much at all... if a friend really wants to see one, maybe, but I prefer action movies ("Go Joe!" Ha.)

Don't give up on being who you are--ask God for balance, wisdom, and the right people in your life (both male and female friends) to be able to express yourself to.

One last thing--you guys out there who are nice and like "un-stereotypical" things for a guy... don't listen to what everyone else says... if that's who you are and who God made you to be, there's a reason for it. Don't give up--trust that God is happy with who you are... and that someday He'll send someone of the opposite gender who loves who you are too. (If it's any consolation, many of us women are waiting too... so it's not just you.)

 

[Matthew]

Hi Meridoc,

I have had similar issues in the past, behaving a normal way and having people think I'm odd for doing it and then not knowing how to behave toward me and then the friendships kind of fell away and I didn't know why.

The things I did weren't strange in my mind, just small acts I wouldn't think twice about, I remember once a co-worker had been given £100 of gift cards for a store they never visited and they wanted someone to give them the money in exchange, it seemed fair but everyone around kept offering him £80 because technically they were doing him a favour, when they were just taking advantage. He was about to give in because no-one would give him the full amount and that was when he asked me, I said yes and didn't think twice, that qualified me as strange to several other people who wondered why I hadn't taken the chance to make £20.

Also, don't worry, I like what most people call 'chick flicks' as well, although I tend to tell people I like films with a real story and relatable characters, that seems to be considered a chcik flick to the people I know.

 

[Meridoc]

Is it possible you're trying too hard to be the stereotypical 'nice guy'? I mean you mentioned that you pay the check and get flowers and stuff. Which is good! But it kind of sounds like you're trying the 'nice guy' approach too much. Almost to the point it doesn't seem natural, but almost forced.

You also mentioned that you like stereotypical girly things like shopping and chick flicks.

Keep in mind, I really don't know you and I'm just extracting as much insight as is possible from your one paragraph online here.

First you spent like eight sentences kind of reflecting on yourself. Next you mentioned that you do a lot of nice guy stuff, almost like you do it too much (just my perspective). Then you mentioned you enjoy doing some girly things like shopping and chick flicks.

It's almost like you've noticed some of the major qualities of females and tried to incorporate those in to your own personality, ie the shopping and chick flicks, maybe hoping that this would give you an 'in' with women.

I'm having a hard time getting at my main idea here.

Ok...

Maybe you're spending too much effort reflecting on the intricacies of your personality, too much effort trying to be the 'nice guy' and too much effort trying to be interested in things girls like (ie the shopping and chick-flicks).

I think women want a guy who's thoughtful, sweet, nice and can share some of their interests.

But they might find someone who's too absorbed into their own psyche, trying too hard to be nice, trying too hard to be interested in female interests - they may find this as beyond what they want in a 'man'.

That's just my two cents. And keep in mind, I'm going off of ONE paragraph you wrote. In other words I could totally be missing the mark here.

Hey 1still I appreciate the insight, yea I know there isn't alot of info there, but I felt the need to rant. The truth is though is these are things I don't put effort into doing, there are just part of who I am and have always been. You can ask my mom and she would tell you the same thing, lol. I like who I am so I am not going to change and truthfully I am generally resigned myself to my reality.

 

[Meridoc]

Yea Jesus Chaser it sounds like you deal with a bunch of what I deal with .

seoulsearch, it wouldn't surprise me if thats how alot of the women around me feel. Though I wouldn't say I am smothering, I don't push to hang out. Which of course comes from my introverted self, I don't want to hang out every day . Oh and yes I do generally do the same things for all the female friends I have, I even do things for my guys friends.

Matthew I totally understand what you mean. An example for me is one time I was visiting a couple of my guys friends and staying at their house. While I was there, their computer broke down, and without thinking about it or even talking to them I went out and bought parts and built them a new computer. They were 2 of the few people who largely understand that side of me, so they understood I wasn't going to let them pay.

 

[seoulsearch]

Yea Jesus Chaser it sounds like you deal with a bunch of what I deal with .

seoulsearch, it wouldn't surprise me if thats how alot of the women around me feel. Though I wouldn't say I am smothering, I don't push to hang out. Which of course comes from my introverted self, I don't want to hang out every day . Oh and yes I do generally do the same things for all the female friends I have, I even do things for my guys friends.

Matthew I totally understand what you mean. An example for me is one time I was visiting a couple of my guys friends and staying at their house. While I was there, their computer broke down, and without thinking about it or even talking to them I went out and bought parts and built them a new computer. They were 2 of the few people who largely understand that side of me, so they understood I wasn't going to let them pay.

You buy dinner and flowers, AND can build computers??? Hang in there, Meridoc--you're definitely a keeper. Keep being who you are--you sound like a great guy.

 

[Meridoc]

You buy dinner and flowers, AND can build computers??? Hang in there, Meridoc--you're definitely a keeper. Keep being who you are--you sound like a great guy.

HAHAHA! Lol thats what my sisters say , but this also seems to throw me into the "friends zone" very quickly

 

[loveschild]

Meridoc, just keep being yourself. We're all different. Thank God we all don't fit some same kind of mold. I've been with the wrong people in the past. But I have decided I want someone who buys flowers without being told to. I want someone who will watch movies with me and enjoy watching them with me. I never thought about it but I would like someone who would go with me shopping. I don't like doing things alone anyway. You sound like a very special person to me. Sadly some people are just plain cheap. And sadly in todays world women don't know how it should be with men buying flowers and taking them out to dinner. It's more of wham bam can I put it in you and never see you again and sadly women have lowered themselves to be treated like that. I'm sure you also open the doors for women. Keep being you and I'm sure the good Lord has someone in line for you. God bless you, love.

 

[Meridoc]

lol I totally open the door , I have no plan to change just sometimes need to rage again society hehe

 

[ariannaaa]

uh ok so i didn't read all of these replys so idno if this was already said or not...

but personally, as a girl.. i like men bc theyre MANLY. i want a masculine man. if he is just like me he is not attractive, of course he'd be just like a friend bc hes just like a girlfriend.

we dont need to have all the same interests. i LIKE if he likes manly things and i like girly things. and also, if a guy is nice to everybody- you dont feel special when he says hes interested in you.. because he treats everyone that well. its almost like, what is the benefit in being with him if he'll treat me the same way if im just a friend?

idno. maybe that is why. but im very sorry for your frustration. i wish you the best of luck and i will be praying for you.

 

[Tootles_1]

I'll be your friend Meridoc! You can buy me flowers anytime you want! Lol.

But seriously, as a few others have said those are great personality traits and its ok to be that way. Personally, I think the feminist movement has twisted our female minds. We're told we're weak and old fashioned and ignorant if we let the guy always pay, etc, etc. But I really don't want to get into that right now.

From what I could gather from your posts your love language is "gifts". (If you haven't read the book "The Five Love Languages" - do.) And it doesn't mean you're trying to show off, that's just how you naturally respond in your relationships. I'm also guessing that your second love language is quality time - or the two may be so close you don't know which one is dominant. But as everyone has their own love language try a little more to respond in their love language until they are comfortable enough to accept yours.

As to people not understanding you - I've been there too. And there have been times where I thought I had to be from some other planet where my thinking process was completely different from Earth's. But I've come to realize that the people who don't try to understand you, or don't accept your differences, really aren't the people that you want to be your closest confidants.

As to the "friend zone" 1) maybe the girl really isn't interested in a romantic relationship, or 2) they're scared of getting into a romantic relationship for any number of reasons. (I think it could possibly have something to do with the repercussions of the feminist movement, but that's not the point of this discussion.) Let me tell you tho, when you find the girl who embraces it fully and is not scared it'll be more wortwhile then anything else. (At least, that's what I believe.)

And if I may share the romantic story of a couple I know, you might not feel so alone. Tim and Kim (no lie) were friends for eight yrs and were absolutely revolted by the idea of being in a romantic relationship together. Kim even helped Tim pick out an engagement ring for his girlfriend. Then things went wrong w/ Tim and his girlfriend and then snap! Things magically changed for Kim and Tim and three months later they were married.

So you never know how God is directing that special someone into your life. Hope my many thoughts weren't too random or strange for you - lol.

 

[frames]

The Female species are to be LOVED, not UNDERSTOOD.

They may either accept your way of loving or they may not,
its up to them to decide and for you to find out.

 

[frames]

What makes these things even more interesting is that - NOBODY really knows.

But only God knows.

Surprise!

 

[zeroturbulence]

Well, if you really want some advice, my advice is to stop trying to be the perfect gentleman - even if its something that comes naturally to you. I think most women want a man who has his own set of likes and wants but can be engaged in a woman's likes and wants only if and when she wants him to be. Women don't really want a man who is always about what she wants or what she likes, even if it comes naturally to the guy.
Women want a guy who is strong as his own person. Someone who has strong convictions, passions and values. If they happen to have similar interests, that is a plus but the most important thing I think is having a strong sense of self, being someone a woman can look up to and count on to be strong for her, and bring his own set of likes and dislikes into the relationship, sort of like her own personal superhero. Yea thats tacky but I do believe its true on a certain level.

 

[Meridoc]

Well, if you really want some advice, my advice is to stop trying to be the perfect gentleman - even if its something that comes naturally to you. I think most women want a man who has his own set of likes and wants but can be engaged in a woman's likes and wants only if and when she wants him to be. Women don't really want a man who is always about what she wants or what she likes, even if it comes naturally to the guy.
Women want a guy who is strong as his own person. Someone who has strong convictions, passions and values. If they happen to have similar interests, that is a plus but the most important thing I think is having a strong sense of self, being someone a woman can look up to and count on to be strong for her, and bring his own set of likes and dislikes into the relationship, sort of like her own personal superhero. Yea thats tacky but I do believe its true on a certain level.

I have my own like and want, and despite women's inclination as you say I will not change who I am as I am happy this way.

 

[Stephanie]

I might avoid you as a friend if you started sending me flowers and paying for my meals. That's a boyfriends job. Don't blur the lines.

I have a guy friend who, every once in awhile, will pay for my coffee if we're out with friends. But that's only on occation and it's only coffee. If he bought me flowers for something, even my birthday, I don't think I'd feel comfortable with it.

As far as girls just seeing you as a friend. Are they Christian girls? If they're not, it might be because they don't get the vibe that you see them as a piece of meat so they feel more comfortable and able to have a friendship with you than other guys. Even though they won't admit it, most worldly guys see women that way. If they are Christian girls then what they should really be seeing you as is a brother in Christ. The bible says to consider everyone a brother or sister in Christ. Would you date your sibling? No.

Basically, wait on God to bring someone to you. Stop trying so hard to find someone on your own. We can't do ANYTHING without God, and that includes finding a mate. Who's better equipt to find you a mate? You or God?