What Sources Do You Rely on to Learn About the Opposite Gender?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

Disclaimer: my recent threads were inspired by a dating profile in which the gentleman stated he is looking for "a former cheerleader or dancer" who wears "leggings and clothes that will tease, taunt, and flaunt" but who was also "Godly, humble, caring, compassionate, and will want to serve and please me in every way (heavily implied sexual context) not just because she loves me, but because she also wants to serve God." He implied that he had spent many years doing whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted and said, "I have learned from God that it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

The most ironic thing to me is that, unless the pictures were inaccurate or of someone else, this person himself was at least 50 pounds overweight but obviously expecting physical perfection in a wife.

I admit that my first reaction was to scoff, as I usually do when observing such hypocrisies.

But there was a tinge of naive sincerity in his words--he actually believed his expectations were completely realistic. And then I actually thought about how hard it can be to go from living in the world to conforming to the life of a Christian. I thought about how many people have a skewed expectation of the opposite gender simply because that's what they've always seen or been taught. He truly seemed sincere about finding someone who wanted to serve God--maybe he has never seen an example of how a Godly woman dresses or behaves around men. Maybe he's been exposed to shaky theology that is somehow interpreted as women having to become Christianized sex objects in order to please their husbands.

How do we learn what to expect in a spouse if we don't have any Godly Christian role models? Who taught you what you know about the opposite gender and what's to be expected in a relationship or marriage? What do you wish someone had taught you? Do you have any beliefs you used to hold but have since changed your mind? If you have children, what do you want them to know about and value in the opposite sex?

I'm interested in hearing who or what taught you everything you know about men/women, and how we, as Christians, can help each other come to a better understanding of each other, as well as more realistic and Godly expectations.

The poll is multiple choice and anonymous, but is meant to hopefully supplement, not replace a discussion, so please post any thoughts you may have.

And, this thread is dedicated to Catherder, who teased me a while back about posting threads with no polls, disclaimers, or long dialogues. Here you go, Cat... a thread with all of the above, and much, much more. All for only $19.99 plus taxes, convenience fees, shipping, and handling (not to mention the counseling I'll need to refill my now-empty brain). I didn't forget you!

God bless and thank you for sharing!

 

[phil36]

This post has really got me thinking. I suppose before I was a Christian my view of the opposite sex was wrong (I don't suppose I know), following the worlds model of things is meant to actually corrupt but we already know that.

Apart from the bible the one book that really changed my view was the book 'recovering biblical manhood and womanhood' although its a big book its actually short essays, and you can skip back and forth without missing anything. I also just listened and watched older Christian couples.. however, if you are a Christian and no good role models around.. it is important to treat the opposite sex with 'dignity'

One of the older guys when I became a Christian (I was 30 then)gave me a great bit of advice. He told me to look at woman with the same eyes and mind you would your sister, and treat her like you would your sister (not your partner obviously). You have to ask why? I'll let you work that out. And it really was from here that my whole attitude to the opposite sex changed.. a progress in work lol.

But can we truly understand one another..well I think that will take a life time. another great bit of advice I was given... do you study a future partner/husband/or wife and not for your own pleasure..

Not really an answer to the actuall question but bit 'n' pieces Passed on to me.

If anyone is interested, and I would especially recommend this to the men. you can get a couple of books free as PDF downloads.. (weren't available for free when I bought my copy )

both books:

recovering biblical manhood and womanhood & Fifty crucial Questions (piper/grudem and carson)

Resources | CBMW | The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

 

[rachelsedge]

I chose the first 8 options.

My parents are godly and I highly respect them and cherish them. I ask my mom questions about guys. I ask my dad questions about guys. I ask my brother and sister's opinion on things, and now that my sister is married, she has a little more insight into the topic of marriage now.

There are a few friends, both female and male, online and off, all godly people, of whose opinions and perspectives I trust, as well as a few church people I know.

Unfortunately, many times I listen to what the media tells me men are like. Sometimes it is hard to put to death those lies when sometimes it feels like those lies are validated in my life or when they have a tinge of truth to them. But, I know the same goes for guys; they're shown stereotypes of women on TV/media and probably know real life examples of them and have to fight to realize that not all women are that way.

 

[David_1]

It's not rocket science. It's not like we are these alien beings that need to learn sexual attraction. That stuff is in our DNA and hormones. Well.. any ways even if you are bad at sex, at first, you learn to get better. Yes, sex. That's the thing I have with the wife

It takes years of co-habitation to learn more about the opposite sex.

It's like having kids, you are never ready, you just jump in with 2 feet.

Here is the thing. I have always believed that LOVE is universal. Treat any other person with respect, kindness, patience and love.

I think if you start with the love thing, temper that with some wisdom.... then just date. It will work itself out.

You don't need a Phd in anatomy, You just need to love your neighbour as yourself.

 

[CatHerder]

...

And, this thread is dedicated to Catherder, who teased me a while back about posting threads with no polls, disclaimers, or long dialogues. Here you go, Cat... a thread with all of the above, and much, much more. All for only $19.99 plus taxes, convenience fees, shipping, and handling (not to mention the counseling I'll need to refill my now-empty brain). I didn't forget you!

God bless and thank you for sharing!

a thread dedicated to ME?

I'm flattered! As for the topic.....I got nuthin'.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Everything i learned i did by watching my mom and listening to some of the stuff she would tell me. She was always really good with people, especially especially men.

Her and my aunts always said basically the same thing. Men are stupid. They can't do anything for themselves.
She always told me i should date lots of guys, never just one because don't think that they are not doing the same thing to you.
So that's what i did, dated lots of guys and if i got them mixed up she would help me lie or cover up so one wouldn't catch on to the other or to me.

Her theology on marriage. "I just want you to marry someone rich so you'll never have to work"

I don't remember seeing a Godly marriage or relationship until i got to be in my 20's. I was never taught or told anything other than what my mother said to me and what i saw her do to men, so to see something totally different was a little bit of a shock to be honest. I thought, how in the world was i supposed to be happy in one of those.

It's taken some years to undo some of what i was originally told, and now i kind of feel lost as to what a normal relationship is supposed to look like, and what normal men (without all the crazy) are supposed to be like.
This may or may not have made any sense at all....

 

[zeroturbulence]

I get all my info from ouija boards, tarot cards, the i-ching, star charts, you know.. the reliable stuff!

 

[Tintin]

Dad and Mum are godly parents and they taught me (through words and actions) how to respect girls but never really told me much about them and the way they think. I generally learned/learn about such things from my friends (both genders) and listen to some of what's shared on CC. The media also plays a role but I try to ignore most of their beliefs about girls. After all my relationship experience (zero), I've come to realise I still don't understand them.

 

[seoulsearch]

It's not rocket science. It's not like we are these alien beings that need to learn sexual attraction. That stuff is in our DNA and hormones. Well.. any ways even if you are bad at sex, at first, you learn to get better. Yes, sex. That's the thing I have with the wife

You don't need a Phd in anatomy, You just need to love your neighbour as yourself.

I agree with all the posts stating that we need to love and respect others, but I am often truly amazed at how the genders often seem to misunderstand or completely misinterpret each other.

I knew a woman once who was telling me her husband was constantly complaining they didn't have sex often enough. She sadly (and in a very defeated-sounding tone) told me that she "guessed she needed to go to the doctor" to "figure out what was wrong with her" and that "maybe she needed pills or something." They hadn't stopped having sex, it's just that she wasn't running into his arms everyday like he apparently expected.

But after asking a few questions, I also found out that her husband came home from work and did nothing but play video games all evening. They BOTH worked full-time jobs but she was expected to do all the housework, care for their children, run errands, attend PTA meetings, etc... On his days off, he was always on the computer, but all of the domestic and child-rearing responsibilities were seen as "her" work, along with her own full-time job. She couldn't even get him to watch their kids when she ran to the store because he claimed he was "too busy" to watch them. Now, I know there are always two sides to the story but I knew this person and their spouse for a decade so I knew her description was accurate.

I told her, "Have you ever thought that maybe you're just TIRED and there's actually nothing wrong with you??!! If he wants more affection, maybe he'd better stop to think how much pressure he's putting on you and not helping you with anything around the house."

Now, I am in no way trying to make guys out to be the bad guys here, but I've heard this complaint A LOT over the years. One spouse expecting constant, Hollywood-style romantic interludes full of passion and urgency at the drop of a hat when they're doing little to nothing to help their spouse in everyday life. Is there not any understanding (whether it be a man or a woman) that one gender or person can't do 80% of the work alone?

Why they don't make the connection between, "Gee, maybe if I helped my partner out with the life we've created, he/she might want more private time for us," is always beyond me.

(And as a P.S.--Nod, thank you for your very personal and in-depth answer. I can only imagine what a shock the Christian model of living must have been like after being told certain points of view all your life. I always learn a lot from you and respect you for choosing a different path for your life.)

 

[Praus]

I learn about women by trolling them on the internet and judging their response.

 

[just_monicat]

I agree with all the posts stating that we need to love and respect others, but I am often truly amazed at how the genders often seem to misunderstand or completely misinterpret each other.

I knew a woman once who was telling me her husband was constantly complaining they didn't have sex often enough. She sadly (and in a very defeated-sounding tone) told me that she "guessed she needed to go to the doctor" to "figure out what was wrong with her" and that "maybe she needed pills or something." They hadn't stopped having sex, it's just that she wasn't running into his arms everyday like he apparently expected.

But after asking a few questions, I also found out that her husband came home from work and did nothing but play video games all evening. They BOTH worked full-time jobs but she was expected to do all the housework, care for their children, run errands, attend PTA meetings, etc... On his days off, he was always on the computer, but all of the domestic and child-rearing responsibilities were seen as "her" work, along with her own full-time job. She couldn't even get him to watch their kids when she ran to the store because he claimed he was "too busy" to watch them. Now, I know there are always two sides to the story but I knew this person and their spouse for a decade so I knew her description was accurate.

I told her, "Have you ever thought that maybe you're just TIRED and there's actually nothing wrong with you??!! If he wants more affection, maybe he'd better stop to think how much pressure he's putting on you and not helping you with anything around the house."

Now, I am in no way trying to make guys out to be the bad guys here, but I've heard this complaint A LOT over the years. One spouse expecting constant, Hollywood-style romantic interludes full of passion and urgency at the drop of a hat when they're doing little to nothing to help their spouse in everyday life. Is there not any understanding (whether it be a man or a woman) that one gender or person can't do 80% of the work alone?

Why they don't make the connection between, "Gee, maybe if I helped my partner out with the life we've created, he/she might want more private time for us," is always beyond me.

(And as a P.S.--Nod, thank you for your very personal and in-depth answer. I can only imagine what a shock the Christian model of living must have been like after being told certain points of view all your life. I always learn a lot from you and respect you for choosing a different path for your life.)

i can't help but laugh at stories like this. your choices should reflect your priorities...we have only ourselves to blame and look to first when life/our relationships aren't as fulfilling as we wish them to be.

one of my best memories of spending time/living at my grandparents was how much they spent time together--working together. my grandfather would dry dishes while my grandmother washed, and she would be out there weeding the flowerbeds while he was running the edger on the lawn. there was some "mens and womens" work, but the things that the other individually did, seemed to be held in admiration (or at least appreciation). my grandfather would marvel at how she would be able to tailor things and sew repairs so efficiently and expertly, what a great cook she was, and my grandmother was so impressed that my grandfather could fix almost anything and his knowledge of and expertise of the stock market. they actually admired their respective talents. i remember as a kid thinking "sheesh, like that's such a big deal, you can sew, wow!" but as an adult, i can't help but think that maybe it was just as important to make either of them feel valuable and making a worthwhile contribution.

another thing that i admire more now, than at the time is they seemed to each bring their "A" game to their individual contribution. if my grandpa would've been playing games while she was getting stuff done, or grandma was out hitting the mall while he was working his tail off, it wouldn't have worked. they made teamwork look like it was almost easy. the reality is, i know they were just great, very humble Christians who took their vows seriously, and accepted each other or who and what they were (not to mention had a lot of years to get it right).

in some ways, i hate that they've imparted such a lofty expectation in my head. but mostly, i'm glad to have witnessed such a thing.

 

[Rachel20]

I learn about women by trolling them on the internet and judging their response.


View attachment 71071

Do you think you are above others?


Matthew 7:1

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged.

Do you think it is right to chicken-peck others?

 

[Rachel20]

I learn about the opposite gender from the opposite gender.

 

[phil36]

Just a reflective thought. The way people think now confuses the whole gender issue.. and has been growing really since the 60's.

Men getting in touch with their feminine side, ladies having to be equal in both status and function as men.. gender distinction needs to be recognised first. We now have children growing up not actually knowing what it is to be male or female (apart from biological distinctions).

If referring to one couple both partners need to study each other and that takes a long time.... is the guy actually man 'ing' up are you still a boy not wanting to take on your responsibilities, do you offload all your burdens your wife.. remember your the guy you carry the burden for both of you..(Jesus is more than enough to help you). is the wife trying to be the dominant one.. and the list goes on (personally I think it should take us back to scripture)

And upon further reflection I have come to the conclusion I don't understand you ladies

 

[Praus]

I learn about the opposite gender from the opposite gender.

I learn about the opposite sex from the opposite sex as well, like so:

 

[Praus]

Do you think you are above others?

Gal 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

James 2:8-9 If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself, ye do well: But if ye have respect to persons, ye commit sin, and are convinced of the law as transgressors.

 

[Praus]

Do you think it is right to chicken-peck others?

[..................

 

[MissCris]

I was raised around some very strong, very intelligent, very stubborn women.
And they treated men kiiiind of really like crap. I know why they did it, now, but when you're a kid and the women role models you have are teaching you that everything's got to be argued if a man says it, that men are there to do the heavy lifting and put gas in the car and solve plumbing problems...

I dunno, I grew up with a weird view about guys, I guess.

As I got older, and had guy friends in high school and all that, I had a tendency to think I was smarter than they were, and that I could/should get them to do things for me (tie my shoes, get my lunch, lend me a dollar, hold my books...). I mean, I didn't demand they do it, I was "nice", I suppose...but my attitude in asking them to help me was sooo wrong.

And then, marriage...well...at this point in my life, it would be so easy to start generalizing and say that all men are a certain way, they all do this, or act that way...

I guess what I'm saying is that I never had a very good example of what the opposite gender is/should be/whatever. I learned about guys mainly from women, and from men who behaved like spoiled children.

It's kind of weird, but I've learned more about men here on this site, just reading through the forums, than I ever did before.

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

I'm not 100% because I feel it's been a combination of a bunch of thing's that have helped shape how I view women now.
I voted Mom,Friend's of the opposite gender,and Other. (the "other" being God & listening to the Holy Spirit)
I watched my Mom deal with a verbally & sometimes physically abusive husband (my biological Dad) from my earliest memories until I was around 5 when they divorced. Then she raised me alone until I was 10 when she re-married.
During that young age I saw all the pain that a "man" had contributed to causing in her life,and I think at some point without ever verbally saying it,I purposed in my heart & mind that if I ever was with a woman I wouldn't treat her badly.

Of course as I got older,I developed good & bad relationships/friendships with women...and after I srsly got into God & was in church,I learned through reading God's word how HE views women. Not like all law law law old testament type sounding stuff...but how deep the love a man is supposed to have for his wife. Love your wife the way Christ loves the church! Wow...was like so eye opening for me on so many levels. Very powerful and liberating as a man. Even with the weight of responsibility it carries with those words...with Jesus,I can actually walk in that love towards my wife,exhibit those traits,because I am in Him.

I had a really great pastor at one time too. I watched how him & his wife were with one another. Also had many good Christian friends along the way who were females & balanced out some of my non-believing female friends. Both sides were completely opposite,yet the same needs and desires were there in all women.

My Mom taught me the most I think...again...she was a great example...told me from a young age how I should treat them...and that sex was something sacred for marriage...for 2 people in love...not just something random to make yourself feel good. That women deserve to have a voice...be heard,and that a woman can be submissive to the man she is with & loves if he loves God and loves her with all his heart.
My Mom was very radical & outspoken on many thing's people might have said back then...but she was right about so many thing's. The views & opinions she had shared with me pretty much shaped in many ways who I am today as a man...how I view women,etc...

I've encountered my share of women who are manipulative,shallow,cruel,and desperately needy in how they project themselves. I'd be lying if I said that there weren't times in my life I wanted to swear off the idea of even having a woman as a friend,simply because I couldn't deal with the erratic drama or insecurities at times...even times I'd felt hurt or betrayed,used by a woman. At the heart of it...My heart to be precise...the heart that God placed in me & designed before the foundations of the earth were ever laid...that heart,really only sees a woman as a reflection of myself. A person. Not so much a gender. A living being constructed by God for a purpose that is 2 fold. To love God & to love that woman...everything else in life is another wonderful layer of the onion that God peels back to reveal all the time.

So,I have no idea if I answered this question correctly or even on point,but it is what it is...I am who I am..and I tend to ramble.

 

[just_monicat]

itore, that was lovely. a wonderful tribute to your mother, and a lot of beautiful things said, and in such a articulate way. thanks for sharing it with us.