Hi Rachel,
I wanted to see what everyone else had to say before I posted. I debated on sharing this because it's a very personal story for me. I'll try to condense it and apologize if it seems a little lengthy.
When I was married, I came home from work one day to find half the contents of the house gone. My husband had moved out without telling me in the middle of the day, while I had been working. As you can imagine, I flew into an all-out panic attack. I had no idea where he went. After staying up 3 nights in a row (and I still suffer with insomnia 15 years later), I believed God told me, "Wait until the end of the month." I clung to that like a life preserver because it was all I had.
The entire month passed... and on the 29th, my husband asked to come home. I was OVERJOYED!!! A WORD FROM THE LORD!!! But in less than a month, he was gone again, and this time, for good. Was it God speaking to me? Maybe. But I have also learned that God speaks to us in bits and pieces.
God told Zechariah that he would have a son. He didn't tell him that his son would wind up losing his head as a trophy on an evil king's dinner plate. God told Mary that she would be the mother of the Christ. He didn't tell her she would see him tortured, brutalized, and then hung out to die among murderers for the entire world to see. Christians make the mistake of believing that if God tells them something, it's surely going to be a wonderful, happy ending. More often than not, this is not the case.
After my husband divorced me, well-meaning church members had all kinds of "hopeful" words for me, such as, "I really think the Lord is telling me that you are going to be married again in two years!" I have learned that in matters of the heart--significant others, babies, etc., BE VERY CAUTIOUS. The Bible tells us that the human heart is deceitful and in these matters especially, we have a tendency to lean towards our own feelings and pride ("The Lord gave me a word for you, sister!)
A year or two after my divorce, I believed God was telling me I was going to have a son. After reading the examples of how others reacted when being told this, I said, "All right, God, if I'm going to have a son, what should I name him?" I believe God told me to name him "Nathan, after Nathan the prophet, because he will confront people about their sins."
Sounds all good and spiritual, right? And, it was the only hope I had. I used to lay awake at night, rest my hands on my stomach, and imagine carrying my baby. Because I am adopted, this baby would be the only biological relative I would have. I would wrap my arms around my abdomen and think about how, at the moment I found out someday that I was pregnant, I would start talking to and reading to my son. As I said, it was my only hope, and it got me through so many cold and lonely nights.
It's been 15 years. No marriage--not even a boyfriend. Heck, not even someone I've had a second date with. I'm now 40 instead of 25, and due to various issues (I take care of myself but we all have health concerns beyond our control), I no longer even want a child. Yes, I know God can do anything. Even as a child, I never had a problem believing God can do anything. It's just that 9.99 times out of 10, He chooses not to, nor will He override human will (such as, force an unloving spouse to love us.)
You can imagine my devastation when I found out several years ago that my ex-husband remarried and had several children with his next wife. (He never spoke to me again after our court date, I found out through someone who found me on Facebook and had known us both.)
Did I hear from God? Did God lie to me? I know that God cannot lie. Was I just so desperate that my fragile mind made it all up, or did a demon speak to me in my weakness? To this day, I still feel tortured over this. And when I ask God, there is only silence.
I have a good friend who believed God had told them that if they quit their job by a certain time last year (they did not have any other job lined up), God would somehow allow them to meet the person who was supposed to be their spouse. This poor person is lamenting over their "lack of faith", saying, "If only I had listened and quit my job, I'm sure I wouldn't be alone right now."
I told them, "Sweetheart, if you had quit your job... the only different right now is that you'd be alone... and unemployed."
I don't have any answers, Rachel. But I will say from experience, please be careful about what people advise you regarding whom you should marry, and never rely on just one person's testimony. The Bible tells us to get confirmation, and that there is safety among a multitude of counselors.
And if Brian really is meant to be your husband? The most discouraging thing to me is that while God MIGHT be telling us so-and-so is meant to be our spouse, He doesn't say it will be happy, or that it will work out, or that the other person will even want to be our spouse. And if they choose not to be, God will not make them--their disobedience is something they have to take up with Him.
In the meantime, be encouraged to seek what plans God has for YOU. I can relate to much of what you've shared... and my heart truly goes out to you.
