Purity.. Flip the switch... how???

[DarlinNadia]

I was listening to the radio .. I believe it was Randy Carlson's show.. anyway. The topic was purity and our children. This had me thinking about when a child, male or female.. is in the habit of Purity Protection... saving themselves...

Suppose our subject has saved himself/herself until marriage .. (or in my case, protected purity since divorce .. uh.. mostly.. back on track now) anyway the issue of purity... it has been saved and a value has been put on it.

The wedding night ... time to consummate the marriage... How? I don't mean semantics, I'm talking about grappling with the idea that you are sharing something you've placed such a high value on.. I mean, I suppose it would be fine because this is a person you've okayed with God.. or have prayed about. It just seems to me that if a person has never had sexual relations (not so in my case) but... that Flip of the switch would be hard for me ... I honestly think it would cause me anxiety.

Without getting too personal, did you save yourself for marriage??? Was it hard to flip that switch? Or divorced people... how did you do it? Does it come natural?

I do not even want to physically touch or kiss or anything because I know it leads to sexual relations and I am not sure I'll be able to flip that switch if/when the time comes.

Sigh.

 

[BIBLECOMPARER]

[h=3]Matthew 6:25-34[/h][h=3]Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)

[/h][h=3]Put God’s Kingdom First[/h][h=3]25 “So I tell you, don’t worry about the things you need to live—what you will eat, drink, or wear. Life is more important than food, and the body is more important than what you put on it. 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant, harvest, or save food in barns, but your heavenly Father feeds them. Don’t you know you are worth much more than they are? 27 You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it.
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? Look at the wildflowers in the field. See how they grow. They don’t work or make clothes for themselves. 29 But I tell you that even Solomon, the great and rich king, was not dressed as beautifully as one of these flowers. 30 If God makes what grows in the field so beautiful, what do you think he will do for you? It’s just grass—one day it’s alive, and the next day someone throws it into a fire. But God cares enough to make it beautiful. Surely he will do much more for you. Your faith is so small!
31 “Don’t worry and say, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ 32 That’s what those people who don’t know God are always thinking about. Don’t worry, because your Father in heaven knows that you need all these things. 33 What you should want most is God’s kingdom and doing what he wants you to do. Then he will give you all these other things you need. 34 So don’t worry about tomorrow. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Tomorrow will have its own worries.

[/h]

 

[Raine]

I know a godly couple where the wife had saved herself for her husband and the switch was hard for her too because she was very nervous. However, since he loved her so much he waited until she was ready, which was three days later after they got married.

 

[Desdichado]

For most people, I imagine it is an easy switch to flip.

Everyone in our culture, Christian and non-Christian, appears to make a bigger deal out of sex than it actually is. The overemphasis can have the opposite affect on someone.

 

[Pipp]

Lordy , Lordy ..... how do I say this without seaming too eager??? I've been saving my purity for marriage and I'm 30 years old now... I'm prettttty positive when I'm married I'll have no problem flipping the switch. Purity is a precious gift to your mate .... and gifts are made to be given ....lol

 

[just_monicat]

i think it depends upon the person, perhaps.

to use your analogy, i don't think "flipping the on switch" will be an issue for me. : )

 

[MartyrNdaMaKn]

Purity is a wonderful gift from God that should be keep sacred until marriage. But to answer your question without going into to much detail, after the holy union has be established, its green lights from here on out.

 

[CatHerder]

I think that for many it's the "off" switch rather than the "on" switch that is the problem.

a dimmer switch would be nice.

 

[cinder]

I wonder about this too Nadia. To be perfectly honest, the idea of letting someone get that close to me terrifies me in some ways. I expect to have to fight down some "Losing control! Danger! Abort! Run!" reactions on my wedding night. When I asked such a question of some married women who had come to talk to the single young adults the only answer I got was to get good pre-marital counseling. As I'm not currently facing that situation, I don't worry about it too much. I figure I'll get a good guy and just be up front with him about it is scary for me and it will probably take me some time to adjust so he'll need to be a bit patient with me. I may ask advice of a couple of good friends I know who I know (or am at least pretty sure) went through that experience. But like I said, I don't worry about it too much because it may never happen and it certainly isn't going to happen any time soon.

 

[MissCris]

There's a couple of things I don't really get here...

Purity is important, yes, but why would you place a higher value on it than on the person you marry?

And if you're married when you "flip the switch", how is that at all impure?

 

[faroukfarouk]

There's a couple of things I don't really get here...

Purity is important, yes, but why would you place a higher value on it than on the person you marry?

And if you're married when you "flip the switch", how is that at all impure?

I think, to put it differently in terms of a Biblical word study, it's not fornication when it occurs after the wedding.

 

[MissCris]

I think, to put it differently in terms of a Biblical word study, it's not fornication when it occurs after the wedding.

I think that's what I'm getting at- a person doesn't "lose" their purity on their wedding night. Their virginity, if they've held on to that, sure. Their freedom, maybe..

I should get out if this thread.

 

[Deva_1972]

I know you guys are using euphemisms here but I am still not clear as to what exactly you are talking about?? Why would it be hard to let go of your virginity if you have met the right one?? Very lost here....and this may need to be moved to the ladies forum, just sayin!

 

[faroukfarouk]

I know you guys are using euphemisms here but I am still not clear as to what exactly you are talking about?? Why would it be hard to let go of your virginity if you have met the right one?? Very lost here....

\

...the right one AND married the person...

 

[kenthomas27]

I think that for many it's the "off" switch rather than the "on" switch that is the problem.

a dimmer switch would be nice.

This was rich...

I apparently have one on a photo cell.

 

[cinder]

I think what Nadia is trying to say is how are you supposed to go from "this is wrong and I shouldn't do it" to "this is something I'm supposed to do now and supposed to enjoy and be enthusiastic about just because we stood in church and said some words and got a piece of paper".

Wouldn't it be kind of like getting people to eat tomatoes once it was discovered tomatoes weren't harmful or poisonous which is what people had been taught for their whole lives? Eventually a guy got up and publicly ate a basket of tomatoes to prove it (true history that I'm probably botching a bit) and even when he announced it some doctors thought it would kill him. Please note I'm not advocating such a public display in this case, but that was the best historical example of something forbidden that is now common that I could think of.

And yes I also have to agree that real life evidence suggests that the problem most people have is waiting for the marriage, not consummating the marriage, but like I said in my earlier post I imagine that for me, steeped in somewhat puritanical christian culture, it will be a difficult transition.

 

[Oncefallen]

I would gander to say that for the bulk majority of people the transition to the marriage bed is quick and easy. I don't think I've ever heard (prior to this thread) of a couple who didn't struggle phenomenally to keep their clothes on as the wedding date grew close. Many that I've known have had to tighten their boundaries in order to maintain their purity until the wedding day.

I would guess that a great number of those who have a problem "flipping the switch" either came from a background that involves sexual abuse (sex can become a scary thing for those who have been abused in that manner) or a background where they are "beaten" with how evil premaritial sex is without the balance of being taught that sex within the bounds of marriage is a beautiful thing to the point that they develop the mentality that sex is either dirty or a "necessary evil" in marriage.

 

[Tintin]

I'm 30 and have never so much as kissed someone, so within marriage I don't think I'd have problems "flipping the switch". Haha! The euphemisms you guys use crack me up!

 

[Fenner]

Honestly if you put a lot of pressure on yourselves to have this perfect wedding night you're going to be all tense and anxious. I remember coming home from our wedding and falling asleep. We were exhausted.

Also, sometimes first times for anything aren't all that great, aka ward, takes practice, I'm trying to say that without getting graphic. Hang in there, get's better.

 

[seoulsearch]

Nadia,

I always appreciate the honesty in your posts and I understand what you are saying. I grew up in a very conservative church background and I got to a point where sexuality was deemed such an off-limits topic that I started to feel like I'd rather commit suicide than face up to sexual feelings and/or mistakes because who could I possibly talk to in the church about it??!

There seems to be a "good Christian" thought that if you just wait it out, marry the perfect Christian, BAM!!!! God's Great Gift of Sexuality Will Go Off Like Fireworks Naturally All On Its Own. But it's like everything else--it takes WORK and PATIENCE. I think for me it was a good 8 months, maybe a year before everything really started to "fall into place" and I didn't even have a traumatic background. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for those who were abused, etc.

It WAS quite a change to go from, "Don't talk or think or ask about this Wonderful Thing That God Has Given Only MARRIED People" to "Ok. You're Married Now, Go Please Your Husband, Girl!" Say WHAT???!!! Talk about Night and Day. Like Fenner, I had a G-rated wedding night, and actually, week, seeing as we had family who stayed with us (but I had committed the sin of living with my to-be husband for a while--I was crazy in love with him, we'd been together 3 years, and I fell off the wagon in waiting.)

But it can take a long time to learn what works or doesn't work for each person and for the husband to be able to adjust his timing to his wife's, which can be a very difficult time to work through. It's worse if the wife doesn't say anything because she wants her husband to think everything is wonderful--and it's not--but doesn't want to hurt his feelings. The adjustments were so tough that I went through another major depression in trying to "get everything right" now that this Big Event Was Finally Allowed!!! We were two people without a clue expecting each other to be instant experts at something quite new.

Thanks for bringing up the topic because I think a lot of Christians have stars in their eyes, get married, and are sorely disappointed because everyone talks about God's Wonderful Gift, which is is of course, but they don't talk about the work, communication, time, and patience it's going to take to make that adjustment with someone.

I hope I'm communicating my thoughts effectively without being too graphic or making anyone uncomfortable. I just feel that a lot of marriages could be saved if we as Christians had honest discussions (and sometimes that does mean they'll be a little more blunt that people are used to) and were given more realistic expectations.

If I've said anything inappropriate, I hope the mods will let me know so I can tone it down next time or work on a better means of expressing myself.

Thank you for asking Nadia and God Bless!