Big problem with daughter

[lav]

It's not really that I don't forgive her, it's more about how much she has hurt us over the years. We only argue and get upset when we talk. My husband and I are happy and get along well except where it concerns our daughter.

that's pretty normal. i didn't get along well at all with my mother, through all of my teens and into my early-mid... maybe even late twenties. i mean, it was rough... but we still loved each other. we may have said or done things to each other we didn't mean, or said things in ways we shouldn't have, but we still continued to love each other and reach for resolutions to our problems.

my mother ( not a Christian ) wouldn't/couldn't support or help me when i became pregnant three different times, and the fathers were not Christian and were also unfit and unsupportive.

my heart was so broken, i can't even begin to describe. i ended up having three abortions. you should be thankful she has made the choice to keep her child, being the 'loving' Christian that you are.

i was encouraged to make the decisions i made at those times, but i still take full responsibility. my heart has been shattered by making those choices and my conscience wracked with guilt. i don't mean that in past tense, i mean that i feel that way to this day and will always feel this way. i am humiliated to admit this on an open forum, let alone to anyone. and do you know, to those i have trusted and admitted this to, i have been told that i probably made the right decision ? no one will ever understand the pain of making such a detrimental mistake, besides God and those who have gone through it and failed beyond miserably, in this manner, themselves. i will be haunted forever by the decisions i made, even though i was under tremendous pressure and didn't see a way through or out.

you rejecting your new grand baby is almost the same as saying you wish they never existed in the first place. i mean, if you think about it, isn't that basically what you are saying ?

i think you're also sending the same message to your daughter, that because she hasn't lived up to your standards and your dreams for her ( you, rather, your dreams for *you* ) you'd just as soon shut her out of your life and pretend she didn't exist.

wow.

regardless of the decisions she's chosen and mistakes she's made, she should have your love and support for all of eternity. does it mean you have to agree with everything she's done ? no. does it mean you should show love to her and allow healing in both of your lives, i think so.

you should count yourself fortunate and blessed, as another poster stated.
you are blessed to have a husband and a child... there are those who have neither, and would want nothing more.
you are blessed to have a home and an education.
you are blessed to have a chance to seek Christ and be open to what he would have you do in your life.

to be so blessed to have a child and give birth to her and raise her... and then to throw it all away, now that is a huge mistake you will regret forever after.

 

[sassylady]

I agree with Ugly, you have an entirely un-Christian view of both your daughter and the situation. I wonder if her actions all her life have been so you an embarrassment to you; you are more concerned with your reputation rather than your daughter. If God responded to our mistakes and sin in such a manner we would all be up the creek Spiritually without a paddle.

 

[Dan58]

This unconditional love being bandied about does not mean that you should support what your daughter is doing. God does not forgive unconditionally, he forgives a repentant heart, but your daughter is committing fornication, assumes no responsibility for herself, and has no regard for the 5th commandment (Honour thy father and thy mother). She has made her own bed, so let her lie in it, just as the prodigals son was allowed to venture off, screw-up, grow-up, and learn via the school of hard knocks. But babies are innocent, so I'd separate the coming grandchild from your disappointment with your daughter. If you support your daughter as many here are encouraging you to do, she'll likely get knocked-up again next year and eventually end up an unwed mother of 6 living on welfare. That's not love, anymore than buying heroin for an addict is an act of love. I think your doing the right thing, but stay receptive to change and keep the lines of communication open. jmo

 

[Esanta]

This unconditional love being bandied about does not mean that you should support what your daughter is doing. God does not forgive unconditionally, he forgives a repentant heart, but your daughter is committing fornication, assumes no responsibility for herself, and has no regard for the 5th commandment (Honour thy father and thy mother). She has made her own bed, so let her lie in it, just as the prodigals son was allowed to venture off, screw-up, grow-up, and learn via the school of hard knocks. But babies are innocent, so I'd separate the coming grandchild from your disappointment with your daughter. If you support your daughter as many here are encouraging you to do, she'll likely get knocked-up again next year and eventually end up an unwed mother of 6 living on welfare. That's not love, anymore than buying heroin for an addict is an act of love. I think your doing the right thing, but stay receptive to change and keep the lines of communication open. jmo

Dan58, she does what you're asking, she'll never have a relationship with her daughter or her grand-daughter. She'll assume no responsibility for being the biggest factor aggravating her daughter's rebellion and she'll continue down the road she wants to get off.

Jen, you can be compassionate without conditions and set down a foundation for your daughter's future familial security or you can keep to horribly strict standards and watch her leave emotionally and physically. She's gonna make her own choices, whether you like them or not. Berating her does nothing for either of you.

 

[Jen9]

I don't know that I am the reason she made bad choices. During her childhood we had a "normal" family life. We spent time together, went places, had friends over for play dates, signed her up for things she wanted to do, dance, tap, ballet, cheerleading, softball, band, church activities, camps, etc. We attended every practice and performance. Cheering for her when she hit a home run and holding her hand when she missed a pop fly. I helped with homework, made crafts together, played many board games, made cookies together, etc. just normal family things.

When she got older and started failing classes, and I started getting nasty notes and phone calls from teachers about how she refused to do class assignments and projects, I was not kind and sweet towards her. I was upset and disappointed. When she would lie about where she was going and who she was with, I reacted badly I am sure. We had many long talks about life choices. They fell on deaf ears.

As one poster said, yes, she did embarrass me. We live in a small community where everyone knows everything. Should I care? No. Does it hurt me? Yes. I think most people would agree, if they were honest, that when people talk about you and stare it is hurtful. Very easy to say "you shouldn't care about what people say" but very difficult to actually do.

I think you can love someone and not have a close relationship with them. Do I wish our relationship was better? Yes. I do think I can be happy even if it doesn't get better. My main concern is I don't want the way I feel about not having a relationship with the grandchild to come between my husband and me. He wants to have a relationship with the grandchild, and I am not about to tell him he shouldn't. This is just not the same one I choose.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I don't know that I am the reason she made bad choices. During her childhood we had a "normal" family life. We spent time together, went places, had friends over for play dates, signed her up for things she wanted to do, dance, tap, ballet, cheerleading, softball, band, church activities, camps, etc. We attended every practice and performance. Cheering for her when she hit a home run and holding her hand when she missed a pop fly. I helped with homework, made crafts together, played many board games, made cookies together, etc. just normal family things.

When she got older and started failing classes, and I started getting nasty notes and phone calls from teachers about how she refused to do class assignments and projects, I was not kind and sweet towards her. I was upset and disappointed. When she would lie about where she was going and who she was with, I reacted badly I am sure. We had many long talks about life choices. They fell on deaf ears.

As one poster said, yes, she did embarrass me. We live in a small community where everyone knows everything. Should I care? No. Does it hurt me? Yes. I think most people would agree, if they were honest, that when people talk about you and stare it is hurtful. Very easy to say "you shouldn't care about what people say" but very difficult to actually do.

I think you can love someone and not have a close relationship with them. Do I wish our relationship was better? Yes. I do think I can be happy even if it doesn't get better. My main concern is I don't want the way I feel about not having a relationship with the grandchild to come between my husband and me. He wants to have a relationship with the grandchild, and I am not about to tell him he shouldn't. This is just not the same one I choose.

Jen, you are still talking about yourself, what YOU feel, what YOU think, what YOU want. Kids hurt and embarass their parents--that's a fact of life. You seem more concerned with your own feelings, than that of anyone else. It's time to put aside the hurt and embarassment--that is in the PAST. Leave it there!! You have a wonderful new chance to have a relationship with your daughter and grandbaby!! I know you would rather she had gone to college, and waited to be married before having babies. Unfortunately, life does NOT always turn out how WE want it to be. It turns out how GOD wants it to be!! He has a plan for your daughter, her baby, and you and your husband. Yes, she's wrong to be living in sin but this baby is not a punishment for that, nor should this baby be punished by YOU. Refusing to acknowlege it is basically going to tell it that it's not good enough to be your blood kin. Stop being so prideful and stubborn!!! I think you will change your mind once this baby is born and you see it for the first time, and realize what a gift God has given you and your daughter. Dont ruin this gift, embrace it. Dont shun this baby because you're mad at your daughter.

Talk to her, ask her to forgive YOU for all the times YOU have disappointed and embarassed HER. Tell her you forgive her for doing the same to you. Let go of the bitterness, and hate and anger. Be pro-active in getting a healthy relationship with your daughter. Help her pick out baby names, go shopping for baby clothes and toys, etc. God is giving you a second chance to get it right with your daughter. Dont waste this opportunity!!!! PLEASE!! You are not only punishing your daughter and this innocent baby, but yourself AND your husband as well. Lay down your pride, because pride always goes before a fall. After all, how can Jesus forgive you if you wont forgive your daughter?? If Jesus could forgive the ones who KILLED him, I think that you're capable of doing the same and forgiving your daughter for all the hurt she has caused you.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

I'd say hearken to what your husband's counsels if you be a true Christian woman. Your husband has the right mindset, you lady have the wrong mindset and your love waxed cold. Stop shunning your daughter, your new son, and your grandchild. Go forgive your daughter for saying mean things to you, she was not right to do that, but you also have to ask forgiveness for yourself because you are not right in your lovelessness.

Maybe it is true this young man is not doing well at the moment. It is a hard time for us young men in this age for the dragon is working very hard to slay us all. Yet this young man is now your son whether you like it or not, and when they became one flesh they were married. Have your goodly husband help your new son. My friend was not doing well either when he met his girl, but her dad helped him get into college and now he is doing all right. The young men today just need a little Christian help in today's world because the world is full of evil and violence and vile materialism.

Love God and love your neighbor, and you will be at peace.

 

[JesusLives]

When my daughter was around 20 she left the house to go live with her boyfriend - I wanted to say no you can't do it - this is a BIG MISTAKE, but instead I said I love you and you can always come home. She left with the boyfriend and I crumbled into tears and cried so hard for her because of the mistake I knew she was making. I called my cousin, Deanna who is 7 years older than myself and said to her why didn't you tell me it would be so hard when my daughter would leave home since you have already experienced this? She calmed my fears and I felt a little better.

I knew that if I put my foot down and made demands of my daughter and did not let her go that I would be pushing her into that boys arms that she would have an excuse to go and stay gone, but by letting her go and start testing her wings as an adult that she would learn life lessons that would stay with her for the rest of her life. Hard oh so hard to do, but three months later she was back home knowing that mom was not so stupid and wiser from the experience.

Your daughter will make mistakes and they are her mistakes to make that's called life on this sinful planet as parents we don't always have to agree or like it and a lot of times we won't like it. But she is an adult now and needs to test her wings as one. As other posters have written by cutting her off you not only hurt and anger her but you hurt yourself. This is a let go and let God situation - give your daughter to Him in prayer and ask God to help heal this situation so that you can restore your relationship with her. Give up your expectations of her that are far higher than she feels that she can live up to and just learn to love her. It's hard but the rewards of a good relationship for you both are so worth the effort.

My daughter and I are still different from each other we still have our night and day personalities, but we love to spend time together and we know we have a great relationship as mother and daughter - we just accept each other for who we are and love each other in spite of our differences. You can do the same your work is cut out for you, but with God nothing is impossible. Please let your daughter know that you really love her and though you may not financially support her situation that you support her emotionally and that you will learn to love the baby too as it is not the baby's fault at all and he/she would love to have a loving grandma. Pray and think about it.

 

[Jen9]

Thank you for that post. I wanted her to come back after a little while as yours did. And you are right, my expectations were/are too high for her. I will continue to pray about this situation, probably for the rest of my life. But thank you for responding with a tone of compassion and not so stern and judgmental.

People are all different and looking forward to grandchildren was not something I ever felt. Married or not, that's just not something I was ever excited about. I like children when they get around 7, but before that not so much. Not the kind that will hold a baby when people come to work to show their baby to us. I always make an exit. That doesn't make me a horrible person. It's not like I want something bad to happen to the child, I am just not, never have been, all crazy about babies. I know a lot of people just love holding them and just adore them, but it's ok if I don't.

My daughter was planned and we wanted a child, a girl is what we prayed for. There are some people that don't want to have children and that's ok too. I don't judge them for their feelings, even though they are different from mine. People have different personalities. Just saying that this was not something that will be easy for me, to accept this child. For some people that have always dreamed of "snuggling with their grandchild" it would be different. I am sure they would be very upset about how it happened and shed lots of tears, but it would be different, that's all. Some people don't want children, some people don't want grandchildren. Some people want one child, some want a house full. We can't judge them for those feelings.

I do appreciate the tone in your post. You have been through something similar and can see my situation with love and not hate. That is how God sees our problems and weaknesses. Thank you for that.

 

[JesusLives]

Thank you for that post. I wanted her to come back after a little while as yours did. And you are right, my expectations were/are too high for her. I will continue to pray about this situation, probably for the rest of my life. But thank you for responding with a tone of compassion and not so stern and judgmental.

People are all different and looking forward to grandchildren was not something I ever felt. Married or not, that's just not something I was ever excited about. I like children when they get around 7, but before that not so much. Not the kind that will hold a baby when people come to work to show their baby to us. I always make an exit. That doesn't make me a horrible person. It's not like I want something bad to happen to the child, I am just not, never have been, all crazy about babies. I know a lot of people just love holding them and just adore them, but it's ok if I don't.

My daughter was planned and we wanted a child, a girl is what we prayed for. There are some people that don't want to have children and that's ok too. I don't judge them for their feelings, even though they are different from mine. People have different personalities. Just saying that this was not something that will be easy for me, to accept this child. For some people that have always dreamed of "snuggling with their grandchild" it would be different. I am sure they would be very upset about how it happened and shed lots of tears, but it would be different, that's all. Some people don't want children, some people don't want grandchildren. Some people want one child, some want a house full. We can't judge them for those feelings.

I do appreciate the tone in your post. You have been through something similar and can see my situation with love and not hate. That is how God sees our problems and weaknesses. Thank you for that.

You and I are alike in not being fond of babies....I like them when they are teenagers - I know so very strange when most people want to run and hide I like teenagers, before that not so much. Really I like well behaved children which at times are hard to find.

Don't get me wrong I wanted and I loved my daughter the whole way through and if she ever decides to have children which right now she never wants to - but if she did I would love the grandchild too, but no one said I have to like the young age stages. It's o.k. just as long as the child knows that you love them... My daughter knows I am not fond of the younger age stages and she probably does not really care for those stages either, but I am in a perfect situation to be a grandma now cause I don't work and am retired and could be a babysitter, but it probably will never happen for me. So go ahead and love your grandbaby nobody says you have to change the diapers....>)......

 

[Angela53510]

I think you need to repent of your coldness and legalism. When "what people think" becomes more important than your own daughter, you have lost your child, even if she did not stray.

Please talk to God, and see that he wants you to unconditionally love your daughter. You have already hurt and alienated her terribly. I really can hardly believe the OP. I was thinking "Surely this is a troll, no one could say that they don't like or get along with their own child!!"

"God demonstrates his love for us in this, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Do you love your daughter that way? If you raised her with good morals, and had loved her unconditionally, she probably would not have strayed. Instead, you drove her with impossible standards, and made her feel unloved.

Your husband has it right. You might lose him too, if you don't wake up and realize this is your child and grandchild you are talking about. If he realizes that you are really this cold, hard-hearted and self-centered woman, he may realize a lot of other things.

Usually I am articulate about these kinds of things, but this OP has left me speechless. Get rid of your pride, and your "I told you I wouldn't accept you if you got pregnant!" garbage, and reach out and forgive and love this beautiful daughter. Welcome this new grandchild and I know God will bless you. Not for the sin in which the baby was committed, but for the fact that this baby is God's child, too!

 

[KimmyJ]

I have problems with our son too. Plus, I am in the middle because although he has done bad…he's still my son and I want to say hey he could have done much worse things and we know he has a tender heart. But my husband will hear none of it, it's like he hates him so I'm in the middle. I don't know if I can ever find this chat place again so you can email me at [email protected]. Raising kids is so hard. We gave him every opportunity which he has squandered. He is also 20 years old and he has partied a lot and drank and smoked pot. Right now he's on his own but in apartment we have paid for. We are going to be done paying for him soon and hope he joins the military to grow up. I know he's good….but he just does bad things and it's very frustrating for both his father and me.

 

[Tintin]

This thread leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Garbage in, garbage out. That's right I ate it, and now I don't feel so good.

None of us are perfect but I suggest that you take steps to remedy the situation with a whole heap of repentance, humility, forgiveness and unconditional love. No one is suggesting it will be easy, but it's oh, so necessary.

 

[Sirk]

the good news is that her brain won't be fully developed for a couple of years. Maybe she'll grow up when it finally is. I think we forget that we are supposed to raise adults....not children.

 

[presidente]

Yes, I am glad Jesus is not like me, aren't we all? I don't know that I agree that if I don't forgive her then He will not forgive me. That would make His love conditional.

Hold on a minute there. Is Jesus your Lord? He's to one who said if you don't forgive other people their trespasses, neither will your Father in heaven forgive you. Check out the verses right after the Lord's prayer in Matthew. Also, have a look at the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 22.

I can't agree with the statement that God's love is unconditional. Some of it may be, but I can't say that is true of all of it. But I definitely would not say that His forgiveness is unconditional.

It get the impression that your forgiveness has a lot more conditions on it that God's forgiveness.

How does never helping her if she has a baby out of wedlock match up with the picture of God and God's forgiveness we see in the parable of the prodigal son. Your daughter may have 'played the harlot' in a young man's house. The prodigal son spent his inheritance that he got from his father with prostitutes, according to his brother. That's more than one. He may have done worse than your daughter. At least your daughter may have some public assistance to live off of. The prodigal son in the parable Jesus told was longing to eat the food he got a job feeding. It sounds like he was poorer than your daughters. Your daughter could have a wonderful education. The prodigal son could have been a successful business man, rancher, or farmer with that inheritance he received. But he spent it all up.

So did his father act? Did he say, "I told you if you ever spent up your inheritance or if you ever became a pig farmer, it's over."

The Bible says if a man won't provide for his own, he had denied the faith and he's worse than an infidel. I know that's talking about a man, at least literally, but don't you think mother's ought to at least care for their children and grandchildren?

I could understand if your daughter were excommunicated from your church because she was claiming to be a believer but living in sin, if you joined in, but even in that case, you have to leave the door open for repentance. II Corinthians 2 shows that a man who the church had disciplined was received back into fellowship when he repented. There is no justification for cutting your daughter off forever for having a baby out of wedlock. If you said you would when she was growing up, then you are guilty of saying something stupid. So you have an ethical choice-- stick with a stupid commitment you made, or be unloving toward your daughter.

I think you should write her a letter apologizing for saying you cut her off forever, and tell her you want her to repent from her sins and get her life straightened out.

As a mother, if you believe in Jesus, your goal for your daughter should be that she is just before the Lord and lives a life that is pleasing to her. What does it matter if she gets a degree? Is God going to hand out special rewards for the college educated in the end of time? The man she is with is the baby's father. I don't know his whole back story, but if he doesn't have any wives, ex-wives, 'baby mammas', or whatever from his past, the idea situation may be for him to repent and serve the Lord, and also to marry your daughter. You should consider that.

Instead of cutting your daughter off for the rest of her life because she made mistakes when she was young, how about getting your own heart right with the Lord, and then helping her get right with the Lord from whatever point she is at right now? Being pregnant while on public assistance is probably a burden for her, too. She might be humble enough to listen if you approach her with love and mercy. Maybe your husband and mother have something useful to say about this. I don't know about the rest of your family, but for your own sake, if some day you are really old in a nursing home, you might wish you had a daughter and grandchild to come visit you or take care of you in their home.

And think about that poor little kid, growing up illegitimate, not because he did anything illegitimate, but because his mother and father sinned. if they keep up the relationship, he may be raised with his father and grandmother on his dad's side, absorbing her values and economic aspirations. But eventually he will know that there is a grandmother on his mother's side who did not want to hold him as a baby, love him, see him grow up, a grandmother who did not care anything about him.

I know it's rough to be the grandmother of a child out of wedlock. My brother got a girl pregnant, and not a sweet little virgin, but a woman older than him, I think, who had kids by different dads. It was a really awful situation, not how he was raised at all. He'd dropped out of school. He got her pregnant, but my mom wasn't sure he was the father.

My mom reminded my brother that she said she'd always said she never wanted to be one of those grandmothers raising a kid for a single mother. But she went over to visit at the baby's mother's home, and a paternity test confirmed my brother was the father. Of course, she grew to love that little child, who was so full of love at a young age.

She kept praying that the mother would realize the baby would be better off with 'us'-- meaning her, my dad, and my brother. I lived in the home too on and off between overseas jobs and got to know my nephew as a baby. One day, his mom told her that she knew the baby would be better off with them. She just signed over primary custody. She was on drugs a lot. The bad thing was she visited just a little with him. He had memory of his mother, it seemed. She didn't live far but left him for years. Since she was on drugs and was dating or living with an ex-con, my brother and parents didn't push for her to come visit. Eventually, he did meet up with his brothers and sisters and start visiting in his teen years.

But it sure was good that he could be raised in a home with some people who feared God. My mother was a mother figure to him.

Now, I want you to imagine how bad it would be if you were an 'illegitimate child', raised either by a couple living together on public assistance, or else by a single mother whose boyfriend went off with someone else. And you knew you had a grandmother and grandfather, probably middle class who were probably reasonably responsible with money, hard working, etc. They didn't want to have anything to do with you because you were conceived in sin. Just think about all those movies about orphans you've seen and how bad you feel for them. Don't you feel a little bad for poor Oliver Twist if you watch a rendition of that?

Have you ever seen 'Flowers in the Attic.' I saw that as a teen or young adult. Not something I'd recommend. I'm sorry, but when I read your post, I thought of the grandmother. Three children, I think, were born out of incest. The grandmother gets them to raise them. I think she tries to marry off the daughter, who no longer has contact with the children, off to someone respectable to meet up to her expectations. In the meanwhile, the kids are stuck up in an attic, locked in, where no one knows where they are. Grandma comes in and brings them food, including donuts for breakfast, sprinkling powdered sugar on them. They can't escape out of the window because they are so many stories up in the mansion with deadly guard dogs at the bottom. The grandmother considers the children to be evil spawn. Eventually, the smallest child dies from the arsenic grandma has been sneaking into the powdered sugar.

 

[Dan58]

So did his father act? Did he say, "I told you if you ever spent up your inheritance or if you ever became a pig farmer, it's over."

No, but the father didn't interfere, he did let his son go off on his own and blow his inheritance. Then his humbled son came to his senses and said: "I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants" (Luke 15:18-19). That's the difference between the prodigal's son and the OP's daughter. The prodigal's son repented and his brother inherited everything (Luke 15:31), while the daughter in question remains rebellious and regrets nothing. Bailing out a spoiled kid isn't helpful in the long run. A parents good intentions to give their child everything often produces an over-indulged adult who can't grow up.

 

[Esanta]

No, but the father didn't interfere, he did let his son go off on his own and blow his inheritance. Then his humbled son came to his senses and said: "I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants" (Luke 15:18-19). That's the difference between the prodigal's son and the OP's daughter. The prodigal's son repented and his brother inherited everything (Luke 15:31), while the daughter in question remains rebellious and regrets nothing. Bailing out a spoiled kid isn't helpful in the long run. A parents good intentions to give their child everything often produces an over-indulged adult who can't grow up.

Do you expect the OP's daughter to be sorry because she's 'sinned' (had a child???) or because she didn't live up to the mother's expectations? Because if I remember correctly, the prodigal son's father wanted a relationship with him, continually pined for his son, let him go without berating or mocking him, did not disown him, did not begrudge him anything, gave him utter freedom to make his own decisions and still loved him enough to welcome him home with open arms and support him when he'd burned every bridge he had. That unconditional love is most likely why the son regretted his ways at all.

There's a huge difference between that situation and this one.

The OP's daughter has a child, and a partner with whom she's had that child, is going to face numerous trials and toils in the future, has obviously got extremely low self confidence, she has no fat inheritance in her pocket and most crucially her mother is not allowing her freedom for her decisions, forgiveness for her mistakes, acceptance for her mishaps, unconditional love as a parent should, nor is the OP accepting her daughter with compassion and affection no-matter how she is, even though the OP's daughter has approached the OP and asked for a relationship.

If I also remember rightly, a child is innocent, and the OP refuses a relationship with 'it', the grandchild.

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.''

The daughter here clearly is upset that her mother's expectations were not met and that this means they cannot have a civil relationship, but by no means should this woman's daughter ever be made to feel regret for bringing a child into the world. If you think so, then I pity you as much as her.

The young woman is by no means 'spoiled', more like 'broken'.

 

[Esanta]

No, but the father didn't interfere, he did let his son go off on his own and blow his inheritance. Then his humbled son came to his senses and said: "I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants" (Luke 15:18-19). That's the difference between the prodigal's son and the OP's daughter. The prodigal's son repented and his brother inherited everything (Luke 15:31), while the daughter in question remains rebellious and regrets nothing. Bailing out a spoiled kid isn't helpful in the long run. A parents good intentions to give their child everything often produces an over-indulged adult who can't grow up.

And this last part. Do you honestly believe that the OP has in any way 'given her child everything'? I know of one thing a child wants above all else on this planet, and that is unconditional love and affection. The prodigal son's father gave his son that, always, even when the son metaphorically urinated on the father's best wishes. I do not recall the prodigal son's father asking a young, 20 year old man to either bow to his expectations or be disowned. That attitude, do-as-I-say-or-I'll-give-you-nothing, was present in the relationship between the OP and her mother long before the daughter left home and rebelled against her mother.

The very fact that such an attitude existed in the first place is the very reason the daughter does not bow to her mother's authority. There is a lesson in the story of the prodigal son. Truly selfless, boundless, ever-steadfast compassion and love for another human being, regardless of their mistakes, is the very thing that causes them to have genuine realizations of their immaturity.

The prodigal son was sorry for being selfish, because he was genuinely being selfish toward a father who loved him boundlessly. But, if the father had not loved him boundlessly and had put his expectations before his compassion, the son would not have been selfish to run away and depart that terrible atmosphere. He wouldn't have genuinely had anything to regret.

If the prodigal son's father had treated him with the mantra 'do what I want or get out and I never want to see you again', the son probably would have never gone back at all.

 

[Esanta]

It doesn't matter how many 'things' you give a child. If you put anything above loving them unconditionally you might as-well have given them nothing - nothing except an idea that image, expectations and possessions are more important than love itself. I don't know how long it's going to take so many people to realize this, but love is the foundation of everything good. Nothing should be more important than it.

 

[Esanta]

To be honest, I know exactly how the guilt of being the bad guy feels, so to the OP, as much as your daughter needs some compassion from you, you need to have it on yourself. Let yourself understand this: you're human as much as your daughter is, and you deserve gentleness on yourself as much as your daughter deserves gentleness from you.

Recognize; love covers a multitude of sins. Nobody's perfect, I would go so far as to say a person shouldn't even strive for perfection. If you seize every moment and realize the present is the only opportunity to do anything, that nothing can physically happen outside the present, then you endeavour to have a loving attitude in the present. If you endeavour to do that, then you're doing everything a person can do.

You can't change the past. It's out of your reach. What is now, is what is.