Thoughts On Adoption

[Matthew]

Im bit mixed to be honest. I see adopting as a hard thing not short term or long term. When kids grow up they want to know their heritage and ancestry and if I adopted, as a mother it would be hard to have a kid who wanted to know about their birth parents (which I suppose they have every right to).

You are definitely right in that it can become difficult when the adopted child wants to know about their birth parents. Most adoptees, at some point, will want to know about their past. And I can certainly understand that the adoptive parents may feel betrayed ("What?? Why would you want to know about them when I'm the one who provided for and raised you? Aren't we enough?" etc.)

I have thought probably one of the biggest challenges of adopting would be dealing with the childs desire to know their parents and wider family history, I would find it difficult to watch them struggle with a sense of rejection that I couldn't do much to help with, I suppose that is just something they need to work through and resolve over time.

I do wonder how to make it known to my child that they were adopted, I suppose with an international adoption the child would always be aware they came from elsewhere so it wouldn't be so difficult to approach the issue, otherwise it would be more difficult, I suppose that is a decision my partner and I would have to make.

 

[Sharp]

I wonder if you could get away with not telling a kid they're adopted. They'd probably figure it out.......but if they don't...less sadness....

 

[FixYourWeave]

I would only adopt a child if it were a baby. My family adopted children when they were a bit older... bad, bad, bad idea.

Im still not understanding this whole, lets take care of other peoples mistakes first before we have our own children thing. I mean isnt that enabilling. I mean your saying, i wont have kids, but i WILL adopt the kids that other people have given away because their irresponsible parents and wont take care of their children. Did you know that 60 percent of women that give their kids away already have other kids, they just dont want to take care of even MORE kids...

 

[Matthew]

Im still not understanding this whole, lets take care of other peoples mistakes first before we have our own children thing. I mean isnt that enabilling. I mean your saying, i wont have kids, but i WILL adopt the kids that other people have given away because their irresponsible parents and wont take care of their children. Did you know that 60 percent of women that give their kids away already have other kids, they just dont want to take care of even MORE kids...

I don't think it is enabling because in the end not I, nor anyone else can control other people and how many kids they have and in what circumstance, my adopting their child will likely not have any affect on their future behaviour, I would wager heavily that adopted or not, the majority of those 60% of women will allow themselves to get pregnant again and if the children remain they will simply become victims of all types of abuse.

Wanting to adopt is simply a way of helping those innocent children out of a nightmare situation that tragically their own biological parents have placed them in, and hopefully doing so wil help them grow into good people and not more people like their biological parents who will keep the wheel of human suffering turning for another generation.

 

[Sharp]

Its been said before.....

You need a permit to catch a fish, but anyone can have a baby. Maybe society needs to have a look at that.......

 

[FixYourWeave]

I don't think it is enabling because in the end not I, nor anyone else can control other people and how many kids they have and in what circumstance, my adopting their child will likely not have any affect on their future behaviour, I would wager heavily that adopted or not, the majority of those 60% of women will allow themselves to get pregnant again and if the children remain they will simply become victims of all types of abuse.

Wanting to adopt is simply a way of helping those innocent children out of a nightmare situation that tragically their own biological parents have placed them in, and hopefully doing so wil help them grow into good people and not more people like their biological parents who will keep the wheel of human suffering turning for another generation.

Denying yourself a child, to fix someone elses mistake, doesnt exactly seem right to me.

 

[iraasuup]

You're assuming any child that is adopted must have been a 'mistake'...this is not always the case.

There are a million reasons a child could be adopted...so let's try to remember not to jump to conclusions.

At the same time, there are a million reasons couples may not be able to have 'their own' children...they may not necassarily be 'denying' themselves intentionally.

I think these things all need to be considered.

 

[FixYourWeave]

Im not jumping to any conclusions, so im not sure what your talking about honestly. When i say mistake i mean. Obviously the reason why someone puts their child up for adoption is because simply put, they dont want their child, correct. And your right Ira For those that cannot have their own children, i think adoption is a great idea! However, i believe its wrong, yes WRONG to deny yourself a child (if your able to have them) to just adopt someone elses.

 

[iraasuup]

Well off the top of my head I can think of a million reasons (other than simply NOT WANTING the child) that a parent may put their child up for adoption, so yeah, you kinda are jumping to conclusions.

No biggie, just be mindful this is a public forum, and we don't know everyone's situation.

 

[FixYourWeave]

Would you be able to name those reasons for me?

Im very mindful this is a public forum and im very comfortable with saying, the reason someone gives up their child is because they dont want them.

There is something called foster care, for those parents that still want their child but cannot take care of them at the moment, then they have other families come in and help. That being said, one of your reasons cannot be, that the parent is unable to take care of the child for financial reasons or whatever, because if that were the case they would put the child in foster care.

 

[Matthew]

Denying yourself a child, to fix someone elses mistake, doesnt exactly seem right to me.

But I would not be denying myself a child, I would be having one a different way, maybe that is also fixing someone else's mistake but in my mind it would be worse to let that 'mistake' go unsolved because as I said that child may end up being abused.

But as I said before the difference between us is that I do not see any difference between my child and someone else's adopted into my family, a child is a child and I think what makes a child 'mine' is a lifetime of shared experiences and values taught and lessons learned, not their biological origins.

 

[seoulsearch]

I wonder if you could get away with not telling a kid they're adopted. They'd probably figure it out.......but if they don't...less sadness....

I've known some people who have tried to do this... and in the cases I've seen, it's turned out very badly. I know the intentions are good but...

I once knew a couple who were very successful, both lawyers... and had adopted a child but always told everyone he was their own. Well, both parents had medium-to-dark brown hair and brown eyes--in fact, the mother was of Italian heritage and had darker hair, skin, and eyes.

The baby they adopted, as he grew up, turned out to have very light blue eyes and white-blond hair. People started asking who he took after in the family, as no one had coloring like that in their family. So, the mother began an overnight transformation of dyeing her hair blonde... and wearing blue contacts. No joke! I saw her myself and it was rather... I felt sorry for her... but even more so for the child... and in the end, because all their friends were lawyers, pretty much everyone found out he was adopted, though the parents were still in denial (and the mother would tell very dramatic "birth" stories about her "pregnancy", labor, etc.)

I've known a few others who were adopted and the parents didn't tell them... but eventually they always found out for themselves (in one case, the person was told, "Yes, you're adopted, but don't ever bring it up with your father or he'll be angry.")

I personally believe honesty is best, especially with the internet--I think it can be very easy to find out if you're adopted or not.

I'm really glad my parents were always open with me... but seeing as they're white and I'm Asian, they didn't really have a choice!

 

[seoulsearch]

Sorry for the double post, but I just wanted to say, I can completely respect people's opinions as to whether they want to adopt or not. God has an individual plan for each of us, and I think He puts certain desires on our hearts for a reason.

I do personally believe though that God has put it into the hearts of some people to adopt. It always amazes me, after all, that Pharoah's daughter saw this little baby from another race (and a nation of slaves who were seen as amounting to nothing, at that) kicking around and crying in the weeds... but the Bible says she had compassion on him.

I truly believe God put it on her heart to adopt Moses. And if she hadn't... the Bible stories we all know could have been drastically different (maybe he would not have survived and God would have had to choose someone else to lead the people out of Egypt?) Just a thought.

 

[Mordred]

Lets face the facts here quick, children that are put into adoption; are usually put there because their parents cannot be responsible for them. Whether that means they can't be a parent and they don't have parental qualities, or they simply can't afford to raise their children, and don't want their children to grow up into poverty. "The rose that grew from the concrete" is all about that last statement.

 

[kiwi_OT]

You are definitely right in that it can become difficult when the adopted child wants to know about their birth parents. Most adoptees, at some point, will want to know about their past. And I can certainly understand that the adoptive parents may feel betrayed ("What?? Why would you want to know about them when I'm the one who provided for and raised you? Aren't we enough?" etc.)

I went through that phase when I was younger but there is no information about my history (I was found in a box on the street and taken to the police, who took me to an orphanage--would you believe, some people ask if I made that up--that's so weird to me... I mean, why would I make something like that up??) I was bitter and upset for many years... but eventually have formed a bond so close with my adoptive parents that I can sincerely say that they are my true Mom and Dad, no matter what.

Wow thats powerful. What country were you born in by the way?

 

[iraasuup]

Would you be able to name those reasons for me?

Im very mindful this is a public forum and im very comfortable with saying, the reason someone gives up their child is because they dont want them.

There is something called foster care, for those parents that still want their child but cannot take care of them at the moment, then they have other families come in and help. That being said, one of your reasons cannot be, that the parent is unable to take care of the child for financial reasons or whatever, because if that were the case they would put the child in foster care.

When you put your child in foster care, you have no control. There's every chance that they get shipped from one family to the next to the next and so on. There is more chance of the child having a solid upbringing in ONE environment with adoption. I actually know people who have been in situations (due to circumstances beyond their control) where they had to make a choice to give the child up for adoption. They WANTED their child they would have LOVED to keep him, butbecause they wanted the BEST for him, they made the difficult choice to put him up for adoption...knowing that in the long run he would be better off with a family who can provide for all his needs.

Foster care may have more felixbiilty in that you can re-enter your childs life whenever you like...but honestly think of the effects that would have on the child..giving them to foster care at birth then just waltzing into their lives 10 years later when you have yourself sorted. That's not a great idea.

You are entitled to your opinion...but I'm just saying there is far more to adoption than you actually seem to understand. I know, having looked into it myself, I also have fmaily members who are in the process of adopting. It's not as black and white as you may think.

Just consider yourself lucky that you have 2 beautiful children, who are able to stay in your care. Some people aren't that lucky

 

[Christianrkchk89]

I would/have considered adoption...and used to only want to adopt. But now a days I'd rather have my own kids...adoption is an amazing thing tho

 

[iraasuup]

I agree Besty.

I would love to adopt one day!

 

[seoulsearch]

Wow thats powerful. What country were you born in by the way?

I was found (and presumably born) in Seoul (the capital of South Korea.) Hence, my chat nickname.

 

[aprilrenee1]

I was adopted. And...its not like...well...if yuo adopt the child is like your own. Start with foster care....ease into it. If it wernt for foster paretns, I wouldnt be here today i honestly believe. they adopted my bother and I (twins).....Just know, its hard...we dealt with a lot of junk...but its still family (I think so anyway)