Seoul Sister, the ones that are after the procreative abilities are at least more noble than the ones that are, ahem, just wanting to rehearse rather than perform the whole symphony.
I think one of the reasons that I am, AT MOST, passively interested in finding a relationship is that there are a dreadful number of people out there (including those who *claim* to be Christians) who are less interested in a relationship and more interested in relations.
To put it simply - that dog don't hunt.
First of all, Age, I wanted to thank you for your kinds words
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Charcoal, I totally understand what you're saying but I think you've probably found that many of the ones who claim they want families are also very much into the "rehearsals" as well. I mean, I'm sure the 65-year-old men seeking 25-year-old women aren't exactly devastated by the fact that they're trying to snag a woman 40 years younger than they are and show her off to all his friends.
In fact, and this is just the female point of view, but with some of the approaches I've experienced, I think many of the older men on the dating site are "playing this up" (saying they want a family) in order to pique a younger woman's interest but actually have no intentions of "going through with the deal." Some are sincere, surely... but some are simply trying to make themselves more "marketable" to a younger age group.
I find myself nodding at Age's comment regarding selfishness. I often ask myself, What is the definition of selfishness, and how "selfish" am I allowed to be? I've written about this several times on this forum--my last relationship was for 3 years with a severe alcoholic who had 3 children (2 of whom he had custody.) All my time, energy, and money was being poured into his kids, because he used his money for his drugs, and even quit working when he saw that I was "taking care of things." I certainly know that not all single parents are like this and have nothing but the utmost respect for them, but as you can ascertain, this was one of the worst experiences of my life. However, I'm grateful for the time and experience I had when it comes to raising kids.
Now fast forward a decade and I no longer have that desire. Am I just being selfish? I've met plenty of single dads who accuse me of such. I've had several single dads approach me who were overjoyed to learn that I am single with no children. At least 2 Caucasian men who had Asian children on the dating sites expressed that I would be the perfect mother for their children, since I am an Asian woman raised in a Caucasian home. I felt like a handbag being matched to a pair of shoes.
But not once, not even once, did they ever ask me about my dreams, interests, ambitions, or personal needs. Their entire focus was on how well I'd fit into what they had shaped in their minds as "their perfect family." And, it's a similar thing with the men I've met who want children--they tell me excitedly about how they want a family as soon as possible, etc. Which is wonderful and very God-given, I have no doubt.
But when I dared expressed my own interests in life, they told me it was my loss that I wasn't buying the family life position they were trying to offer me. What the hee haw? It's like, you don't even know me, nor do you show any interest in getting to know me, so how are you going to tell me if I'm at a loss for not becoming what you want? I have learned that I feel much more content in my calling when visiting someone in prison who's shot both his parents than when I violunteer in the church nursery and read the same story 4 times in an hour. We are all called to different things.
However, as I said... I do struggle with my own self-reflection. I have often prayed, Lord, is this what you want? For me to cast aside the plans we've forged out of years of the pain of being alone and serve this man's family... or am I actually allowed to be... me?
I believe that being myself and declining a situation I know I'm not comfortable with is a lot better than pretending to fit someone else's mold.
Many seem to call it selfish. I call it, "The application of wisdom and discernment," aka, "The School of Hard Knocks"!
Now, if I met someone in the situation of a ready-made family who actually showed concern over who I was, and knew that I was just as concerned about who he is... Not just who he is as The Father but who He Really Is... and if there was a way to realistically mesh and develop our lives and interests together... and his children felt this was possible, too (I couldn't marry someone whose children didn't approve of me), I'm sure it would be only a matter of time before I fell head over heels.
In the meantime, I am much happier being single rather than being what someone else wants or needs me to be.
