Questions For Single Parents Who Are Waiting Until Later to Date.

seoulsearch · Oct 18, 2014

Hey Everyone,

In a recent thread, some of our courageous single parents talked about their views on dating while raising a family.

Some parents expressed that they may wait until their children are older or even grown. This is just me personally, but I think someone like this is a true example of a person who sacrifices their own interests in order to put someone else's needs before their own.

A few questions I would like to ask:

1. (Please don't answer if it's too personal, and I surely hope I'm not offending anyone by asking). Does the thought of waiting to date or find companionship until your child is grown make you feel second best? Do you feel you have to sacrifice everything for your children? Are you all right with that or... what about the times when you may want to say, "What about ME?"

2. How would you handle it if your child never wanted to "allow" you to date? I'm seeing this now with people in middle age--their aging parents are now single or widowed and dating, and the grown adult children are having as many or more problems with it as would a younger child. Do you see yourself having a talk with your child in regards to telling them that you are an adult and have a right to find an adult companion?

3. Could you date or marry someone you really loved, but your child did not like? I'm not talking about things such as reasonable warning signs the child might see that you may be willing to overlook (perhaps your child thinks the person you are dating gets angry too easily, doesn't treat you well, lives recklessly, etc.) but rather, what if your child didn't like this person in the way that your best friend might not get along with him or her, but you love them anyway?

I know that for myself, I would quickly bow out if someone's children did not like me because I'd feel as if I were breaking up the family.

But maybe there are other considerations the rest of us need to know?

I would love to hear your views regarding "Waiting on Dating" as a Godly Christian parent.

sassylady · Oct 18, 2014

I'm 58 with three grown children still at home, 2 going to school full time and one getting continued emotional and mental help (father abuse). Being a single mom for the past 10 years has been extremely difficult, emotionally as well as financially because I make a very low income. I do get lonely at times and wish I had a man in my life. I dated a few different men until about 4 years ago. They all had a problem with me being in my 50's and still having children at home. They wanted me but not my kids; the last one really cut my heart because he told me "I do wish your kids were out of the house". I thought I was balancing my home responsibilities and my dating pretty well, making sure my kids did not feel neglected. My kids only accepted one of the men, the others they wanted nothing to do with.

I decided I was done with dating. I wish I hadn't but I rather lost my mind after everything that happened with my ex's abuse and the divorce. After 25 years of marriage I was suddenly without somebody. I've stepped back the last 4 years and did alot of praying and thinking.

1) I do wish I had somebody, but believe it is not time yet. I need to be here for my children and it has been a problem for men. But at my age I do wonder, am I ever going to have a life? What can my future possibly be? I have no money in the bank, very little in my pension fund, and two people can have a hard time making it on social security, so how can one person do it if they never marry? Will I ever be able to retire? Will life ever be any fun again? And most of all, is there any man at all out there who is sold out to Christ and can possibly love me and my children? I feel absolutely undesirable, and add 50 extra pounds on me, I have a hard time believing anybody would want me anyway. I do feel hopeless about my future. I will always put my children before myself, but I have to admit I'm ready for a break and it won't be here any time soon.

2) I could not marry somebody if my children were opposed to the person and living at home. My daughter's counselors have told me that if you meet somebody that is right for you, you should marry and the children will just have to learn to live with it. I cannot see doing that to my children. I do not understand any woman marrying and not taking into consideration how her children feel about it. I wouldn't want to live in that atmosphere. We are a close unit and I wouldn't want to destroy it by doing something like that. Now if they were all moved out and on their own, it would not matter to me how they felt about it. If it was the man God brought into my life then they have no say; they wouldn't have to live with him anyway. So basically I feel I can't have anybody until they are on their own. And with the problems my daughter has I wonder if that will ever happen.

3) I guess I answered this in 2). I choose to be lonely, if you call it that, over having somebody with chaos or discontent in the home. I believe if he is the right man, a Godly man, it will go well all the way around as far as how everybody feels.

Charcoal · Oct 18, 2014

Call me a party crasher, but I like the idea of this thread and wish to put in my .02 I accept that the conclusions that I have reached now may not be the conclusions that I reach later, and I freely acknowledge that this is one of the numerous issues that what is best for one may not be the best for others. No one size fits all answers here, just my experience and my life choices for today.

My original intentions were to not date until my children did. It seemed "fair."
I did go through a season of looking for a companion to do things with, but nothing so serious as a date. I brought that season to a conscious close.
I stopped looking and got back to focusing on Just Being Dad. Doing work, doing church, doing ministry, and everything that comes with raising kids (scouts, parent teacher meetings, picking up the kiddo early when they get sick at school and nursing them back to health, etc).

I had gotten so good at Actively not looking for someone, that when a most wonderful woman came along I nearly had to be beat about the head with something to notice. I likely may have refuted the advances of lesser women unknowingly, and for that I am grateful. I was very kind to her, and had engaged her in numerous conversations over the course of a three day scout camp out (Family Camp, so the whole family can come...plus she is a leader with a den other than the one my son is in). It wasn't until we were packing up and she was insisting on helping fold my family's tent and schlep our things to the car that I really started to think that I needed to not miss the opportunity to continue the conversations beyond the weekend.

When I brought the past season to a close, I set for myself an extremely specific and high standard, that was not to be broken or deviated from if I was to give another thought to dating before the kids did. My sweetie fits that narrow definition so perfectly, that I cannot help but talk to God about this. I believe that God has given me this opportunity, and what I do with this is up to me.

Anyone who knows portions of my story that I now only tell privately knows that I am a sacrificing parent, who does not take the role of father lightly. I think that being a parent takes courage, being a single parent all the more, and my hat is off to all of those who are putting in the work to do it right, for the job of a single parent takes more than just courage, hard work, and sacrifice.

To get to the discussion prompts:
1) I had to work through and find the fulcrum point between caring for myself and caring for my children. Putting them first DOES mean caring for me, too. I wasn't always so good at that. I believe that until that balance is found it is Best to err on the side of the children, but in the end, I must do things for the sake of my own contentment if I am to remain as a constant source of light for my children. If my definition of self is too dependent on my role as a father, then what is to become of me as my children's needs change and therefore my role changes also? If I give until it hurts all the time, every time, what happens when something comes along where there is need for me to put in more than my usual investment in my kids? Why is giving until it hurts on every occasion a recipe for ungratefulness on their part and resentment on mine? I had to answer for myself these questions and more, and then I was able to stand on the middle of that teeter-totter and balance between self and children. For me, finding that balance meant not letting myself be a second class citizen in the country of my family. There come times that I must, without regard to self, put my children before me. There are times that for my sake, and other times for their sake that I must put myself before them... to elaborate that, some "What about me?" 's are answered with the fact that Daddy has needs, too. Others are answered with, this is an opportunity that you must grow through minor hardship to learn to endure what life as an adult will be like. (I never put these answers in so many words, but I think this conveys for the purpose of this conversation. I also am not a harsh parent.)

2) I am warming up my children to the idea of me dating before confronting them with it. My son says that he is ok with the idea of me dating but not with the idea of me remarrying. (for a more detailed account of his opinion, see the Trying Again? thread) I completely agree that it is too soon for me to re-marry, but I do not mean to say that it is too soon for me to date. Ultimately, if my children are not comfortable with the idea of me dating, I will not push it in their face. I don't feel like it is responsible parenting for me to get a sitter to go out on dates when my children are at home with me. If they are visiting their mother, then it is a good time to go out. There may come occasions (like if I have Amazing box seats for the ballet) that I might try trading weekends with their mom or possibly even arrange for child care or for my kids to be at the home of one of their friends. (I've had offers from other parents, I'd never abuse friendships to get free baby sitting while I was out on the town.) Ultimately, it is my life. I am the adult in the situation, I should make my own choices, I should honor the feelings of my children, but I should not let my children choose for me. I pity those who have allowed themselves to be entombed in singleness when their grown children should come to terms with their parent's wishes. I am, however, of the school of thought that says that if the parent puts the child's opinions first 100% of the time, it is of detriment to both the child and parent. It may not be the worst thing that a parent can do, but failing to force a child to deal with a progressive level of life not being all about them produces a parent that must cater to the child until death and produces an adult child who will always be an Adult Child and never an Adult. I am inclined to think that there are problems that would come up if waiting too late to start dating, and different problems that would come up if forcing that reality on the child too soon. Each parent must find that balancing point with their own child, and should do so prayerfully.

3)If I were absolutely certain that there was not something I was overlooking, I could in clean conscious marry someone who my child did not choose for me. I could not marry someone who is not good to my kids. It may take years or a lifetime, but if she were good to my kids, I believe they would eventually come around to liking her. How is it different from making them eat their veggies? ...ok, I know some of you never came around to liking your lima beans, and I know I am simplifying things a good deal with the comparison, but the right woman for me is someone that will be right for my kids. They don't have to like her right off, but She needs to like them and do right by them. {My sweetie Is liked by my kids, they don't know that we are dating, but before that came to pass, they already had spent time with her and her son, and formed very positive opinions of both. Hurrah! ...it is possible that if their opinions were not so that I might have answered this question differently.}

As a single-again man, I believe that Merely loving someone is a silly reason to be with someone. I believe that in addition to loving them you must be committed to making it work out regardless of whatever. I also believe that both parties must compliment one another sufficiently for that "regardless of whatever" to work. Compatibility is not just asking if you both have Androids or iPhones, and let's be real...we're Christians, so compatibility is not a "bedroom" question here either. That's something that might should be discussed in the premarital counseling, but ultimately should not be tested out before the marriage.

There's my wall o' text. What yall got?

Jamal · Oct 18, 2014

seoulsearch said:

Courageous, or simply willingness to do the right thing, is to not date while raising family, and not to seek remarriage.

Lynx · Oct 18, 2014

What, ruining one thread wasn't enough?

Ye do greatly err, Jamal, not knowing the scripture... And please stop infecting threads. At least until you've read the Bible, specifically the part about remarriage.

Roh_Chris · Oct 18, 2014

Jamal said:

tourist · Oct 18, 2014

seoulsearch said:

After my horrible first marriage I waited 18 years before remarrying. I waited mostly for the sake of my daughter so as to not confuse her even though her mother had moved on. My daughter, now 21, did not approve of her daddy marrying another woman even though my new wife went out of her way to treat her as her own daughter. My choice was to support my new wife or give in to my daughter. I chose my wife but did my best to keep my daughter in my life.

The older you are and the longer you wait will inevitably mean that there will be a certain amount of baggage that will have to be either accepted or managed. One thing that I do believe is most important that the prospective husband or wife must love the children as their own or a constant state of tension will exist.

My thoughts now is that while the children must be considered when contemplating remarriage it is important to follow your heart, and this is especially true when God has caused the two paths to cross. In either case this is a most difficult situation and requires much prayer for both the prospective husband and wife and continued prayer afterwards once married.

I will be getting remarried soon and I already consider my fiancée's daughter as my own and she considers my daughter as her own and gives consideration to my two adult step children as well. I pray that my daughter will accept the woman that I marry and be happy that her dad has found happiness in my soon to be wife. Regardless of what happens I intend to marry this woman and hope and pray for the best for all concerned.

tourist · Oct 18, 2014

Charcoal said:

Call me a party crasher, but I like the idea of this thread and wish to put in my .02 I accept that the conclusions that I have reached now may not be the conclusions that I reach later, and I freely acknowledge that this is one of the numerous issues that what is best for one may not be the best for others. No one size fits all answers here, just my experience and my life choices for today.

My original intentions were to not date until my children did. It seemed "fair."
I did go through a season of looking for a companion to do things with, but nothing so serious as a date. I brought that season to a conscious close.
I stopped looking and got back to focusing on Just Being Dad. Doing work, doing church, doing ministry, and everything that comes with raising kids (scouts, parent teacher meetings, picking up the kiddo early when they get sick at school and nursing them back to health, etc).

I had gotten so good at Actively not looking for someone, that when a most wonderful woman came along I nearly had to be beat about the head with something to notice. I likely may have refuted the advances of lesser women unknowingly, and for that I am grateful. I was very kind to her, and had engaged her in numerous conversations over the course of a three day scout camp out (Family Camp, so the whole family can come...plus she is a leader with a den other than the one my son is in). It wasn't until we were packing up and she was insisting on helping fold my family's tent and schlep our things to the car that I really started to think that I needed to not miss the opportunity to continue the conversations beyond the weekend.

When I brought the past season to a close, I set for myself an extremely specific and high standard, that was not to be broken or deviated from if I was to give another thought to dating before the kids did. My sweetie fits that narrow definition so perfectly, that I cannot help but talk to God about this. I believe that God has given me this opportunity, and what I do with this is up to me.

Anyone who knows portions of my story that I now only tell privately knows that I am a sacrificing parent, who does not take the role of father lightly. I think that being a parent takes courage, being a single parent all the more, and my hat is off to all of those who are putting in the work to do it right, for the job of a single parent takes more than just courage, hard work, and sacrifice.

To get to the discussion prompts:
1) I had to work through and find the fulcrum point between caring for myself and caring for my children. Putting them first DOES mean caring for me, too. I wasn't always so good at that. I believe that until that balance is found it is Best to err on the side of the children, but in the end, I must do things for the sake of my own contentment if I am to remain as a constant source of light for my children. If my definition of self is too dependent on my role as a father, then what is to become of me as my children's needs change and therefore my role changes also? If I give until it hurts all the time, every time, what happens when something comes along where there is need for me to put in more than my usual investment in my kids? Why is giving until it hurts on every occasion a recipe for ungratefulness on their part and resentment on mine? I had to answer for myself these questions and more, and then I was able to stand on the middle of that teeter-totter and balance between self and children. For me, finding that balance meant not letting myself be a second class citizen in the country of my family. There come times that I must, without regard to self, put my children before me. There are times that for my sake, and other times for their sake that I must put myself before them... to elaborate that, some "What about me?" 's are answered with the fact that Daddy has needs, too. Others are answered with, this is an opportunity that you must grow through minor hardship to learn to endure what life as an adult will be like. (I never put these answers in so many words, but I think this conveys for the purpose of this conversation. I also am not a harsh parent.)

2) I am warming up my children to the idea of me dating before confronting them with it. My son says that he is ok with the idea of me dating but not with the idea of me remarrying. (for a more detailed account of his opinion, see the Trying Again? thread) I completely agree that it is too soon for me to re-marry, but I do not mean to say that it is too soon for me to date. Ultimately, if my children are not comfortable with the idea of me dating, I will not push it in their face. I don't feel like it is responsible parenting for me to get a sitter to go out on dates when my children are at home with me. If they are visiting their mother, then it is a good time to go out. There may come occasions (like if I have Amazing box seats for the ballet) that I might try trading weekends with their mom or possibly even arrange for child care or for my kids to be at the home of one of their friends. (I've had offers from other parents, I'd never abuse friendships to get free baby sitting while I was out on the town.) Ultimately, it is my life. I am the adult in the situation, I should make my own choices, I should honor the feelings of my children, but I should not let my children choose for me. I pity those who have allowed themselves to be entombed in singleness when their grown children should come to terms with their parent's wishes. I am, however, of the school of thought that says that if the parent puts the child's opinions first 100% of the time, it is of detriment to both the child and parent. It may not be the worst thing that a parent can do, but failing to force a child to deal with a progressive level of life not being all about them produces a parent that must cater to the child until death and produces an adult child who will always be an Adult Child and never an Adult. I am inclined to think that there are problems that would come up if waiting too late to start dating, and different problems that would come up if forcing that reality on the child too soon. Each parent must find that balancing point with their own child, and should do so prayerfully.

3)If I were absolutely certain that there was not something I was overlooking, I could in clean conscious marry someone who my child did not choose for me. I could not marry someone who is not good to my kids. It may take years or a lifetime, but if she were good to my kids, I believe they would eventually come around to liking her. How is it different from making them eat their veggies? ...ok, I know some of you never came around to liking your lima beans, and I know I am simplifying things a good deal with the comparison, but the right woman for me is someone that will be right for my kids. They don't have to like her right off, but She needs to like them and do right by them. {My sweetie Is liked by my kids, they don't know that we are dating, but before that came to pass, they already had spent time with her and her son, and formed very positive opinions of both. Hurrah! ...it is possible that if their opinions were not so that I might have answered this question differently.}

As a single-again man, I believe that Merely loving someone is a silly reason to be with someone. I believe that in addition to loving them you must be committed to making it work out regardless of whatever. I also believe that both parties must compliment one another sufficiently for that "regardless of whatever" to work. Compatibility is not just asking if you both have Androids or iPhones, and let's be real...we're Christians, so compatibility is not a "bedroom" question here either. That's something that might should be discussed in the premarital counseling, but ultimately should not be tested out before the marriage.

There's my wall o' text. What yall got?

What all I got is the impression that as a single dad that is contemplating a relationship possibly leading to marriage your heart is definitely in the right place and your head is screwed on straight. Your post on this topic is outstanding and should be a must-read for other singles with kids considering a new relationship.

Charcoal · Oct 18, 2014

Awh, Tourist... you're always makin my head swell with your fancy words and likin my posts and stuff.
<Ducking his head, grinning, and shuffling his feet, Charcoal blushes. This is a sight to see considering...>

Honestly, anything good I've got worth saying is God putting words in my mouth. My wisdom comes from Him, though sometimes He let me earn it through the most intense studies at the School of Hard Knocks that I could enroll in... sometimes I had to re-take a few classes there.

<With a gleam in his eye, but a down to earth tone in his voice> It's awful early in the relationship for me to be contemplating marriage, but I will admit that I have on occasion had difficulty not entertaining the thought.

sunnysky31 · Oct 18, 2014

Well, I would not go so far as to state that ''never remarrying'' is for the BEST....

I divorced my children's father in 2005. I have dated since, but my children were younger. I do feel it is extremely hard to date once your children get older because as previously stated, there is even more baggage attached that someone would have to accept. The children have children, they go to college, they start their career and so on.... bleh

My children are not 12 and 13. I find myself dating less (as they age) because I want to put my children's needs first and be certain that they are growing into young men who follow Christ.

I do not believe I would ever consider being with someone who did not get along well with my children. I committed myself to raising my children for Christ and if I brought someone in the picture with whom was not cooperative with my children, that would be a severe issue. Even if this happens when they are grown men, the person I meet would have to be totally accepting and get along 100% with them. I'd rather be single and have God-fearing children than to be married to someone who hates me children. That would mean that my children LOSE respect for me.

I actually have a hard time accepting that as I age, the dating pool gets smaller and smaller. Sometimes I actually imagine myself in a rest home at age 90 and finally finding a fellow who is blind and deaf who would finally accept me and the children. Yes, that thought is tremendously sad...

I suppose in the end, I just wait for God's timing and try to keep myself ''out there'' to some extent and allow others to know ''hey she is available'' in a cautious way.

When the door opens, it opens.

tourist · Oct 18, 2014

sunnysky31 said:

Well, I would not go so far as to state that ''never remarrying'' is for the BEST....

I divorced my children's father in 2005. I have dated since, but my children were younger. I do feel it is extremely hard to date once your children get older because as previously stated, there is even more baggage attached that someone would have to accept. The children have children, they go to college, they start their career and so on.... bleh

My children are not 12 and 13. I find myself dating less (as they age) because I want to put my children's needs first and be certain that they are growing into young men who follow Christ.

I do not believe I would ever consider being with someone who did not get along well with my children. I committed myself to raising my children for Christ and if I brought someone in the picture with whom was not cooperative with my children, that would be a severe issue. Even if this happens when they are grown men, the person I meet would have to be totally accepting and get along 100% with them. I'd rather be single and have God-fearing children than to be married to someone who hates me children. That would mean that my children LOSE respect for me.

I actually have a hard time accepting that as I age, the dating pool gets smaller and smaller. Sometimes I actually imagine myself in a rest home at age 90 and finally finding a fellow who is blind and deaf who would finally accept me and the children. Yes, that thought is tremendously sad...

I suppose in the end, I just wait for God's timing and try to keep myself ''out there'' to some extent and allow others to know ''hey she is available'' in a cautious way.

When the door opens, it opens.

It may be helpful to keep the door to your heart open slightly ajar. I agree with you in that the prospective spouse must have the capacity in his heart and willingness in his thoughts to love and get along well with your children.

Charcoal · Oct 18, 2014

Sunny, I hope in my heart that you have a moment like mine of finding what you stopped looking for. May he be a blessing from God sent to you as an extension of Our Father's love.

sunnysky31 · Oct 18, 2014

tourist said:

Id have to agree. I think it does help to keep the heart open as well. Surely would be quite difficult to close oneself off for years and years and then jump back into it.

scg · Oct 18, 2014

Paul wrote that it would be better to remain single rather than to get married, so a person could give more time to God. I think it would be better to give to the children more time rather than introducing other problems or splitting up the time to spend with who and how long. As a single parent, I heard my son ask his mother, when they visite her the next time, if she could spend more time with them instead of her with her boyfriend.
When my kids get out of school and on their own, I will have time for what God has planed for me. If it is to remain single or ?

secularhermit · Oct 18, 2014

... the more you wait, the more you wasted.

Charcoal · Oct 18, 2014

Whether dating or not, whether remarrying or not... I believe that it is hugely important for single parents to have active adult friendships outside of their relatives and the circle known as "my kid's friend's parents." We all need some friends that we chose for us, and we need to periodically spend some time with them as a way to recharge from being a parent All The Time.

I really had no idea how being a single father meant that I think like a dad everywhere I go. At work, I have to think about how my career affects my kids, if the fellas want to go out and ride go-karts, I have to think about the possibility of what would happen if I got hurt. If I want to watch a movie after the kids are asleep, I have to think about what the sound on the TV would seem like to them if they woke up in the night and heard my TV. I'm a dad, and I'm always on dad duty, and there's no stopping that. I often do stuff like the laundry while they're asleep or visiting their mom, because that frees up time I can spend with them. Having some of my own friends is like the pit-stop that keeps me in the race.

Charcoal · Oct 18, 2014

scg said:

Hi SCG, and welcome to the Singles Forum. I see you are a single dad, too, and I want you to know that I have respect for that.
Please know also that this quote from Paul is not to be thrown around lightly in here, as it seems to be long standing tradition for outsiders to come in and wave that out of context. Rather than chasing you to the door, I would like to see you stick around and get to know the madcap crew here. This is a Very different place from the Bible Discussion Forum, so I recommend that posting in here be done with a whole different frame of mind that what you may be going on over there.

That's a really sad thing to have heard your kiddo say to their mom. I can imagine well the heartache I would feel in that situation.

jogoldie · Oct 18, 2014

I'm at the other end of this....my children are now grown......being a single parent I felt that if I did find
someone and it didn't work out ....was this going to effect my girls....having another man walk out on
them...i made a conscious effort to wait......I emerged myself in my children....and never thought
twice about it....I don't feel regret and now I can concentrate on a relationship with someone for me...
Its my turn now...it was probably easier for me as I have a fear of men ......but I also feel....now that I am old ....who would want me.......the devils lies I know.....but it seems most men my age want
younger woman....so did I miss the dating window.....not sure.....but God has His plan for me...
and whatever it is.....I'm sure it will be as exciting as it has always been...I'm strapped in and ready to ride this ride.....for all its worth.....peace ...jo

secularhermit · Oct 18, 2014

sunnysky31 said:

Not too open! Otherwise would bleed (He! He!)

scg · Oct 18, 2014

Hi, Charcoal, Thanks, I did not intend to throw scripture in to this form as to point fingers, but it was My thoughts as to deal with dating with kids. I miss the compainion ship but not to put kids on a wait for thier time. I have been a single dad for 3 years and have had the best time with my kids. Shows, movies, games, sports ect...

Questions For Single Parents Who Are Waiting Until Later to Date.

OutWrite Trouble

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