Didn't want to see it in Streams? The Charcoal Thread

[Charcoal]

My ex left his denomination for mine, because he was quite neutral on doctrinal matters, and I was more involved and held "pickier" views on some issues. He did end up getting very involved in the church we chose, and seemed to fit in well. Fast forward a decade. After our marriage ended, he told me that he'd never felt at home in that church. He wasn't an "intellectual" and he felt that the church was too theologically minded for him. In MY eyes, he was well loved, supported, he was a leader, deacon, teacher, ministry starter. He had close friends there who cared about him. But in his eyes, he felt inadequate.

Of course, he never mentioned any of that to me in all the years we were married. But it's made me think about people who appear to be easy-going, or willing to compromise a lot on things like this. Maybe they really truly don't mind. Or are even excited to embrace a new church. (Sounds like that's the case with your sweetheart.) Or maybe they feel like they SHOULD be the one to give up their church. Who knows... it may not matter at all. It just seems like visiting the church that she chose for herself and is attending would give a good idea of what she values in a church, independent of you. It may give you an opportunity to consider the differences and similarities between the two churches, and decide whether any of them could be an issue for either of you.

(If that doesn't make sense, please disregard!)

Grace, In my short time here I have learned that when things you say don't make sense the best thing I can do is to reexamine them until they do. Even if I don't agree with them. You have a wealth of wisdom from life experience and from God. I value your opinions.

You bring up some interesting points in this post, and while some of them I think I can disregard based on what I believe to be true about her and about the relationship, you challenge me to Examine Them All. That is sound advice (whether you intended to give it or not). I like the idea of knowing the depths of things you mentioned, and think that this could have positive impact on long term success.

 

[Charcoal]

I am sorry for the delay in replying to some of your posts, Brother. I am glad that the two of you are sincere about following the ways of God and about not transgressing the boundaries. I hope and pray that this is a relationship is a blessing, for both of you and for your families.

I think you should visit her church. You could also network with a few of the people she looks up to. It would give you a good picture of her spiritual background. Plus, as Grace-like-rain said, it may show you some differences between both your beliefs so that you guys can talk it out.

Another advice I have for you is that you must be wary of overlooking any red flags that pop up along the way. Sometimes (and I have been guilty of this so many times), we end up speeding along the highway when things seem to fall into place. And we miss the road signs asking us to slow down and turn back. And in the end we are hurt and upset when all our plans crumble. Please pray asking God to work things out the way He intends to do. It may seem as though I am not encouraging you or feeling excited for you but I just want to make sure that this is what God intended for you. And I don't want to see you hurt or shattered in the end.

I will keep praying for you Brother. I hope that God leads you both and that you don't go beyond what He has intended for, in this relationship. I am mighty thrilled for you and I hope this lasts for a lifetime.

Brother Bear, never feel pressure to reply to anything online. Especially mine. You had your hiatus. You're back. We pick up where we were and carry on.

I need to meet her friends. I'm not sure when. We both have kids and so do most of them (one has tripplets in diapers, so that's a headache) and that can make scheduling a tricky thing. Most of my friends are easy to meet, they're at church with me.

The only things I've seen that might be red flags are: (1) that her mother is a smoker, and that will surely mean that we would at some point deal with major health issues in her twilight. Her mom is 71. Her dad is 81 My Sweetie is an only child. I accept that this means we will be responsible for her parents as they age. The good news is that they are fiscally responsible for themselves. The bad news is that they may only have another 10-15 years in them, tops. My parents are more in the 20-30 more years spectrum (because of age, lifestyle choices, current health and family history). It also means that there is sometimes conflict. She would like her mom to quit. Her dad wants it, too, but doesn't want to push it.
(2) She sometimes feels like her dad loves her mom more than her mom loves her dad. It kills her to see this. I wonder what echos it has in her life, beyond her wanting very much to not have a marriage like that.
(3) She wants to be involved in ministering to people going through divorce. I think plugging her in with my church's Divorce Care ministry is a good answer to that, but I need to be sure that SHE feels that way about it. Honestly, I've been asked to help lead the same program with two different churches. It think that being able to lead that together somewhere would be an example of the kind of healing that is available from God. It would also mean that by co-leading the program, we could address men's and women's needs separately, when appropriate. In addition, we could keep one another accountable and not let the other get sucked into someone else's problems.
(4) her ex is an awful like mine. At least we know what we'd be dealing with.

 

[Tintin]

You definitely should visit her church. You need to know what sort of doctrine she holds to, the overall feel of the church, what her church teaches, what style of service or preaching she enjoys, how involved she is, or how she relates to the others who go there. Her willingness to attend your church is admirable, but it doesn't tell you much about what she values in a church. If that makes sense. Visiting her church will tell you a lot about her, imo.

Not to be a goober, Charcoal. I don't wish to take over your thread, but Grace makes a good point. I've learned a bit about Arlene's church through talking with her. I know how long she's been attending, her joys and struggles, how she relates with others there, I know she plays the violin in the worship band. I know some others things, but I need to experience her church for myself. I'm looking forward to the experience. May God bless you, brother. I'm praying for you and your lady love.

 

[Charcoal]

Not to be a goober, Charcoal. I don't wish to take over your thread, but Grace makes a good point. I've learned a bit about Arlene's church through talking with her. I know how long she's been attending, her joys and struggles, how she relates with others there, I know she plays the violin in the worship band. I know some others things, but I need to experience her church for myself. I'm looking forward to the experience. May God bless you, brother. I'm praying for you and your lady love.

Nothing goober-ific about it, sir. At this point you are preaching to the choir... well, actually my church does congregational singing, she is in the choir at her church, but anyway... I agree that there is more to be gained by visiting there than I had originally considered.

I am honored to be a subject of your talks with Dad. Thank you. It is reciprocated.

 

[Charcoal]

I had previously thought to be doing some home improvement stuff about now, but then I met this woman... and well...

So I'm putting it all off, because maybe I would need to do it differently for the sake of a blended family, or maybe I need to do it differently to make it a more marketable house and move, or maybe I just need to move.

I'm also postponing all major and many minor purchases that are not immediately necessary for roughly the same reasons.

Some of my life is really moving forward, in ways I would have never expected. Other bits are on hold.
I'm very ok with this.

 

[Charcoal]

Met her Ex tonight. Unexpected twist of fate that it happened.
Now, I know that momma said if you can't say something nice... well, it's nice to call him a lunkhead. I can see how she got tangled up with him back in the day, but...
well, he's a piece of work. Mostly the kind that the supervisor says not to finish.

We were very nice to each other, he and I. it was apparent that he'd heard a good bit about me from their son over the weekend. He seemed challenged to try to live up to my reputation.
It'll take years, bud...I hope you try. For your son's sake, I hope you try.

He kept talking about...stuff...all the while in my head I heard the Madagascar penguin, "Just smile and..."

 

[Charcoal]

In her defense, she was 19 when they met and it was a year of poor life choices.
At 19, I was...
making worse choices than that. (PM if you want the list I had typed up, but decided to not include in this post.)

At church last night, she met more of the people that I look up to. It's very nice to have this happen...especially since many of them soon after find opportunity to give me their approval. These are the church elders, the deacons, the members of my Bible class, the ministry leaders, and the classic church-people. Most of them have known me since Before I was married, but all of them have been there with me through the thick and thin...and would not want me making the same mistakes over.

 

[Charcoal]

quoting myself from the fave movie line thread...

"I have a sock!"

This is my fave because it is the txt message the the GF & I regularly send one another to let it be known that the kids are in bed, the chores are "reasonably" done, and that when the other is ready we are available for our regular evening phone call.

 

[Roh_Chris]

Just make sure you wash your socks regularly, Brother. And use the detergent of God's love to keep your socks clean.

 

[Charcoal]

Just make sure you wash your socks regularly, Brother. And use the detergent of God's love to keep your socks clean.

YESSIR!


the other night we talked on speakerphone while both folding laundry at our separate residences.

The following joke was told:

Know why they call it "mating socks" when you match them up in pairs?
Because there's one more in the end.

Seriously, the fact that she laughs when I say stuff like that... it's either a sign she really likes me or it is a sign that we have the same broke sense of humor.

 

[Charcoal]

The fact that she accepts that I am turning my back on my high profile education to pursue a lower paying profession that I consider to have mission opportunities is second only to the fact that she supports this choice.

Thanks, God. She's more wonderful than I could have asked for

 

[Markum1972]

Hoping this will help.

Honestly, as much as I look forward to doing this, it's uber scary for me. I guess it should be, right?

No. It shouldn't be scary. That is a product of culture and the world. Waiting around because of uncertainty is a product of fear. As a matter of fact, it is a tradition of Pagans called "hand fasting".

There may be other reasons to wait (I don't know the situation) but fear should definitely not be one of them.

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

 

[Charcoal]

Markum, help me out. I'm not sure where I said this.
I'm thinking it was in regards to getting remarried. I think that undertaking anything that major should be a bit intimidating, so maybe intimidated was a better word than uber scary. The fact that we both have kids from prior marriages (one M each, 3 kids between the two of us) adds a whole lot more gravity to the situation. There is much more consideration that needs to be made in this kind of setting, I think...or maybe it's new reasons for the same level of consideration that should have been there anway.

 

[Lynx]

The full quote, from the stream of consciousness thread;

Yeah, yall can totally not read this, it's ok. I don't care, I'm posting it anyway.

So, I kinda get the feeling that when she texted me back saying, "You make me so incredibly happy " that she is ready for me to say that I love her. Honestly, as much as I look forward to doing this, it's uber scary for me. I guess it should be, right? I mean, it feels right, but its my suspicion that because everything seems so perfect that I would have much regret if I messed things up by moving too fast. I want to wait and not rush anything. Anything. I also want her to know how much those words mean when I say them. It's not like this is a first relationship for either of us. Choosing to move slow. I really think it's the best thing in the long run.

At the first of the quote, where it says "Originally posted by Charcoal" there's a blue button with double arrows. Click it and it will take you to the post from whence the quote originated.

 

[Roh_Chris]

Markum, help me out. I'm not sure where I said this.
I'm thinking it was in regards to getting remarried. I think that undertaking anything that major should be a bit intimidating, so maybe intimidated was a better word than uber scary. The fact that we both have kids from prior marriages (one M each, 3 kids between the two of us) adds a whole lot more gravity to the situation. There is much more consideration that needs to be made in this kind of setting, I think...or maybe it's new reasons for the same level of consideration that should have been there anway.

I agree that the relationship is a crucial phase. Please proceed with prayer, but don't let the apprehensions hold you back from exploring it. I am praying for you, my Brother.

 

[tourist]

Hoping this will help.



No. It shouldn't be scary. That is a product of culture and the world. Waiting around because of uncertainty is a product of fear. As a matter of fact, it is a tradition of Pagans called "hand fasting".

There may be other reasons to wait (I don't know the situation) but fear should definitely not be one of them.

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

I agree with you about fear hindering relationships and other areas of your life.

 

[tourist]

Thanks, God. She's more wonderful than I could have asked for

I feel the same way for my honey. She's a keeper.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I feel the same way for my honey. She's a keeper.

Honey bunny! Bunny honey..my honey bunny honey..lol

 

[Charcoal]

tonight we established a new routine... we went and ran intervals at the YMCA on their indoor track. (we were both already members, how convenient. We're fairly evenly paced, and 3+ miles later have decided to make that a regular Thursday after work thing. That works out ok for me because my kids visit their mom that evening (until about an hour before bedtime) and her son is chillin with his Grandparents and used to her doing that on Thursdays.

Guess I'm not as out of shape as I thought I was...I kept up with her Much better than I expected... and those times going to the gym, plus the shift in my eating habits have paid off...tonight I weighed in 10lbs less than I did on 8/30.

 

[Charcoal]

At this point Fear is not it... I'm waiting to tell her that I love her for when the moment seems immeasurably right.
I don't want to say it first over the phone or in a text or email. I want to say it and have opportunity to sweetly drink in the moment with her, soaking up everything about that instant and studying the detail in her sparking eyes.


My life is coming along nicely in so many ways. God is at work, and I've been staying out of His way, and instead have been following The Way.


Lord, Father Above, Thank you for the way that you stitch together all the torn pieces of my life and make a beautiful quilt out of what the world, and at times me in it, had ripped to shreds. You are magnificent, God, and I am humbled by your plans. Help me please to follow your plans and your will.
Ahmen