When is the right time to say I love you?

[Crimson_Lark]

Before you say it's different for every person or when it feels right. Let me relay this:

I was watching this dating show where women were interviewing male candidates. They asked one man, 'When did you say,"I love you" in your last serious relationship?' He replied, 'After two years.'

The women gasped. I started thinking, what does timing and the words, "I love you" signify?

Of course there is a spectrum of subjectivity. But if a stranger walks up to you on the street and says, "I love you", chances are the person wants something from you and isn't committed to you.

On the flip side if it takes someone two years to finally say it does that mean they are more committed? Or does it mean he/she can't express their emotions properly?




*This post was written expressly to provoke discussion not a fight. If you feel angry/intellectually offended by my bad punctuation or indignant upon reading this post and you would like to personally attack me or others, please chatmail me. I do run a corporation in China where I kill kittens. My top kitten killer, who checks my chatmail, would love to take a break and hear your problems with this post. Otherwise I'm busy selling kitten fur and I will ignore your negative post on my thread. Cheers!*

 

[Ugly]

There is not set time. It's an entirely subjective topic. It varies from person to person and relationship to relationship.

 

[tourist]

The time to say "I love you" is when these words are written in your heart.

 

[seoulsearch]

All right...

Crimson, I'm just going to come out and say it.

"I ♥ you." There. How many years has it take me to say it now?!

Actually... I'm just looking to be fixed up with your top kitten killer. At least I wouldn't have to worry about him being too sensitive and crying more than me...

Might be better to give me his email rather than his phone number though. Seeing as he's in China... I might confuse the operator and then who knows who I might wind up talking to...

 

[secularhermit]

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!


Is it too late?


Hahahahaha

 

[MissCris]

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it taking someone two years to say I love you...and maybe a harder time understanding why a woman would stay quite that long without knowing if the guy loved her or not. That just seems like an awfully long time...but of course there are circumstances under which it might actually make sense, in which case, disregard my befuddlement and I'll get to posting my thoughts on the actual question...

(But wait, a kitten killer? Really? Can you do anything about older cats, or is it just kittens?)

Ahem. So...
I think it really, really Is different for everyone. Some people are scared off by hearing those three words too soon- I mean, I think for most people, hearing "I love you" within just a couple weeks or months of dating is likely too soon and a bit scary, but there are folks out there who might not be able to handle it even after say, six months or more.
And then there's people who may feel almost immediately that they're in love, and be waiting to hear it from the other person, and if they Don't hear "I love you" within a certain (varying) time frame, they take offense- though now I say it that way, I'm thinking if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who falls in love THAT quickly and expects the same from you and you're just not ready for that...you know, run, and whatnot.

I don't know, you just can't really set a standard time limit/time frame on when it's "right" to say "I love you" (with the exception of not saying it on the first date or something like that, because...desperate. Anyway...)

...that's just my opinion, which may count for less than all the kitten fur in China...

 

[Chopper]

Someone you did not know came and said "I love you" so much that it killed Him.
The right time to say "I love you" is before they do not have the chance to hear you say it.

 

[zeroturbulence]

How about never.

 

[seoulsearch]

(But wait, a kitten killer? Really? Can you do anything about older cats, or is it just kittens?)

This was just doggone hilarious!!!

And, I am expecting a free pair of kitten slippers for making a serious post.

I have known of some people who just DON'T say "I love you", EVER. It could be the way they were raised or just their personalities... But as for me personally, being an emotional, open, and expressive person, I could never be with someone who didn't tell me he loved me, because I would try to tell him that very frequently. BUT, this is also because words of affirmation are very important to me. And I'm not saying he had to tell me he loved me the first week and every other hour. But if we're talking about getting engaged and he still hasn't told me he loved me... I would seriously be questioning what was wrong.

However, as I've gotten older, I've also realized that recognizing people's means of the different "love languages" and how they express themselves can be very important. I have a sibling who NEVER says I love you (at least not to me; it's probably different with his own family) but I realized last year when their family made arrangements to take me a special restaurant, it was my sibling's way of saying, "I love you."

I guess a few things I'd have to consider are how the person was raised (maybe "I love you" was never modeled for them), what other ways they are showing how they feel, and what they identify as their primary means of expression.

If you wind up with someone who prefers to show love through acts of service, hugs or touches on the shoulder, etc., I can understand why words may seem so scarce or never show up at all. But, will it bother you to be with someone who might bring you a cup of tea every morning and yet never or seldomly say "I love you"? I don't think I could handle that, but someone else might even prefer it.

And now that I have properly contributed a serious post... About those kitten slippers.

I wear a size 6 1/2... (Do you have anything in calico?)

 

[seoulsearch]

How about never.

Zero, I ♥ you!

You were my CC buddy from the start, and I'm sure, will be until the end.

Thanks for always lending a compassionate ear and word of encouragement.

 

[Crimson_Lark]

Seoulsearch and MissCris you both had me laughing. I'm with you MissCris waiting two years does seem like a long time on both sides of the relationship equation. But of course, like you said, the whole story isn't known.

But I have to wonder, hypothetically, if a relationship follows the normal trajectory, what does it mean when a man/woman takes two years to say I love you?

About my top kitten killer, MissCris your idea about the adult cats has been passed along. We take product expansion seriously. Seoulsearch I'll send you his email address directly. He's quite charming.

 

[seoulsearch]

About my top kitten killer, MissCris your idea about the adult cats has been passed along. We take product expansion seriously. Seoulsearch I'll send you his email address directly. He's quite charming.

Product expansion... HA HA HA!!! Still laughing!

As for your top kitten killer... I'd be intrigued by any man who looks at a kitten.... and sees a great accessory in the making.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Say it when you mean it.

 

[seoulsearch]

But I have to wonder, hypothetically, if a relationship follows the normal trajectory, what does it mean when a man/woman takes two years to say I love you?

*Senses another serious post about to spill out.*

*Am now going after the kitten handbag to match my new slippers. Takes a minute to clear out a new space in her closet...*

In all seriousness, there are so many other factors I would have to consider. As a girl looking at it from the perspective that a guy was hesitant to tell me he loved me, I would be wondering about several other things that could be going on. Have other important people, especially women (such as his mother) been cold to him or belittled him? Not to go all Sigmund Freud on anyone but I think that could be a huge factor. He might feel intimidated or unsure of how to express his feelings because maybe other women in his life never expressed nor accepted love, or criticized him when he tried, let alone wanted him to say anything about it.

The other thing I would wonder, and I know this will make some uncomfortable, is whether or not there is any sexual abuse in his past. It's such a rampant horror nowadays that many, many people we encounter are thoroughly traumatized in ways that can affect so many other aspects of their lives, especially in dealing with an opposite gender relationship and feelings of "love." For instance, what if their abuser told them they "loved" them and that's why the abuse was happening? Perhaps a guy in this situation doesn't want to say "I love you" because it made him feel dirty and ashamed and so he is unsure of how to express love, or even worries that he will make another person feel the same things he did if he were to say it.

I think about these things because I myself have dated two guys who admitted to abuse in their past, as well as having talked to several other brave men who were willing to confess things that happened to them. I know this sounds extreme but in many ways it really isn't, seeing as the statistics for such abuse are extremely high, and the number of those who don't say anything are probably even higher.

*Sighs, says a prayer, and pauses.* My heart truly goes out to these people who are unsure how to love... because at some point in their life, someone took away part of their capacity to express themselves. May God provide healing... and justice.

 

[Roh_Chris]

Actually... I'm just looking to be fixed up with your top kitten killer. At least I wouldn't have to worry about him being too sensitive and crying more than me...

Might be better to give me his email rather than his phone number though. Seeing as he's in China... I might confuse the operator and then who knows who I might wind up talking to...

Actually, I am Crimson_Lark's top kitten killer. My office is in India while my factory is in China. I did not mention any details about my Indian office because the contract was between my factory and Crimson_Lark's corporation. I must remember to re-check with my legal counsel on whether I have to fully disclose my details on the contract. Anyway, we could send you a few samples of shoes, bags and coats made of kitten fur. Could you send me your postal address?


On to the topic -

As far as I know, there are two possible reasons why a person takes a long time to express his affection -

1) He/she is unable to express emotions properly. However, that does not mean that he/she loves the person lesser than someone who expresses it regularly.

2) This is quite controversial but it is from the Ayn Rand school-of-thought. Some people believe that expressing their affection in words on a regular basis will rob it of its sanctity. While I do agree that saying "I love you" at the end of every phone call is unnecessary, I do not think that saying it a few times in a week will lower its impact.

In any case, judging a person's commitment to the relationship merely on the basis of how frequently he/she expresses his affection is unreasonable. Similarly, I don't think there is a correlation between the time a person takes to express his/her affection and his/her commitment to the relationship.

 

[Roh_Chris]

Whoops. I could not complete my edit in time. So here's the other half of my reply -

The right time to say "I love you" is when you are ready to say it. Some people may require only a little while before uttering the 3 words while some others may require a longer time. In my case, I would ideally require 3-6 months before saying those words. This is because I need to feel connected with the person on all 4 platforms - spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and physically, before I can say those words.

 

[BananaPie]

...The women gasped.
...
* If you feel intellectually offended... please chatmail me*

And that's my final offer!

 

[thezachattack]

I'm going to say...March?

 

[BananaPie]

BTW, as for advertising your Kitty factory, it'd be wiser to avoid the Feline Thread.
...just sayin'

Okay, seriously.

The first thought that came to mind were words of the Lord Jesus, "If you love Me, keep My Commandments." In other words, be sincere in coordinating your heart with your actions.

 

[BananaPie]

...hypothetically, if a relationship follows the normal trajectory, what does it mean when a man/woman takes two years to say I love you?

a) the person was not breastfed
b) the person is emotionally unavailable
c) the person has difficulty coping with loving somebody else
d) man and woman in the relationship need to wear matching shirts


The correct answer is d).