Love and Respect.
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M
I don't know if this has been mentioned or not (because I've only read about half the posts in this thread and I apologize for that), but given my situation, the state of my marriage, I've come to wonder if God specifically commands the husband to Love his wife, and the wife to Respect her husband because those things...they don't come easily, or naturally, to each gender.
I mean, in general- because of course there are women who have no problem whatsoever showing a man respect, and there are of course men who have no problem whatsoever showing their wife love- it just seems like those are things that God knows we have trouble with. Yet He tells us to do it anyway...and I've spent a lot of time in my marriage wondering Why.
Why should I respect a man who isn't treating me the way I think I should be treated?
Why should my husband love me even after I've openly disrespected him or taken the kids and left for half a year?
Why should I respect my husband when he's blown up at me over something that wasn't my fault?
Why should he show me love when I've picked a fight with him over nothing?
I used to think there had to be some deep, hidden meaning in all of it; some kind of "secret" a married person would learn if they and their spouse were able to do those things for each other perfectly, some kind of special reward a man would "earn" if he loved his wife, or that a woman would earn if she respected her husband...
I honestly had hoped, for a long time, that that was the case, because it was SO. STINKING. DIFFICULT. that I felt anyone who managed it truly deserved some kind of reward for it.
But...
No.
The reason I am to respect my husband, and he is to love me, is simple- God commanded us to do so.
The reward for doing so is joy, and peace, and knowing that we are obeying the Lord.
God doesn't punish us for Not doing those things- we punish ourselves. We hurt each other, we hurt our family, we hurt ourselves...and then we act like we don't understand why our marriage is a mess and we want out.
Knowing that, however...knowing that doing as God tells us to do is worth it...that doesn't make it easier, necessarily. At least for me. I feel like I started out in this marriage at a bit of a disadvantage as far as knowing how to respect any man, let alone a husband- I was raised in a very matriarchal family, where the women had the final say on pretty much everything, where the men just did whatever their wives wanted because it kept the peace. I didn't grow up seeing what it looked like to respect one's husband. And, on the other side of this, my husband didn't grow up with a very good example of showing a wife love.
So it made good sense to get married....
Anyway, my point is, God knows that these are difficult things for us to do. He wants us to do them anyway. Why? Because a Godly marriage glorifies Him, and changes Us, forces us to grow and to trust in Him and ultimately, refines us and makes us more Christ-like. I'd say that's a pretty good reason to do our best, for wives to respect their husbands, and for husbands to love their wives.
I mean, in general- because of course there are women who have no problem whatsoever showing a man respect, and there are of course men who have no problem whatsoever showing their wife love- it just seems like those are things that God knows we have trouble with. Yet He tells us to do it anyway...and I've spent a lot of time in my marriage wondering Why.
Why should I respect a man who isn't treating me the way I think I should be treated?
Why should my husband love me even after I've openly disrespected him or taken the kids and left for half a year?
Why should I respect my husband when he's blown up at me over something that wasn't my fault?
Why should he show me love when I've picked a fight with him over nothing?
I used to think there had to be some deep, hidden meaning in all of it; some kind of "secret" a married person would learn if they and their spouse were able to do those things for each other perfectly, some kind of special reward a man would "earn" if he loved his wife, or that a woman would earn if she respected her husband...
I honestly had hoped, for a long time, that that was the case, because it was SO. STINKING. DIFFICULT. that I felt anyone who managed it truly deserved some kind of reward for it.
But...
No.
The reason I am to respect my husband, and he is to love me, is simple- God commanded us to do so.
The reward for doing so is joy, and peace, and knowing that we are obeying the Lord.
God doesn't punish us for Not doing those things- we punish ourselves. We hurt each other, we hurt our family, we hurt ourselves...and then we act like we don't understand why our marriage is a mess and we want out.
Knowing that, however...knowing that doing as God tells us to do is worth it...that doesn't make it easier, necessarily. At least for me. I feel like I started out in this marriage at a bit of a disadvantage as far as knowing how to respect any man, let alone a husband- I was raised in a very matriarchal family, where the women had the final say on pretty much everything, where the men just did whatever their wives wanted because it kept the peace. I didn't grow up seeing what it looked like to respect one's husband. And, on the other side of this, my husband didn't grow up with a very good example of showing a wife love.
So it made good sense to get married....
Anyway, my point is, God knows that these are difficult things for us to do. He wants us to do them anyway. Why? Because a Godly marriage glorifies Him, and changes Us, forces us to grow and to trust in Him and ultimately, refines us and makes us more Christ-like. I'd say that's a pretty good reason to do our best, for wives to respect their husbands, and for husbands to love their wives.
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i think there will always be people who will find any kind of discussion, disagreement, or poking and prodding of an issue to be an uncomfortable argument. especially when there are people who have no real desire to contribute, other than for the purpose of taking the temperature and trying to diffuse a non-existent argument.
usually, when people reference the bible discussion forum, i think it's done for effect more than anything else. : )
as to the actual subject, i think stilly hit it on the head. the commandments are largely related to the roles that are to be fulfilled in marriage, and related to the example of church.
that said, i also would point out, that our idea of marriage has wandered a bit from the biblical times as well. marrying someone whom you have almost zero rapport or have spent little time alone with would likely require more fundamental instruction. we take for granted that most marry after spending a great deal of time carving out plans, sharing ideas, and measuring compatibility.
when you are making a home with someone who is older than your father, and are getting to know one another long after the ceremony, instructions are pretty helpful. : )
usually, when people reference the bible discussion forum, i think it's done for effect more than anything else. : )
as to the actual subject, i think stilly hit it on the head. the commandments are largely related to the roles that are to be fulfilled in marriage, and related to the example of church.
that said, i also would point out, that our idea of marriage has wandered a bit from the biblical times as well. marrying someone whom you have almost zero rapport or have spent little time alone with would likely require more fundamental instruction. we take for granted that most marry after spending a great deal of time carving out plans, sharing ideas, and measuring compatibility.
when you are making a home with someone who is older than your father, and are getting to know one another long after the ceremony, instructions are pretty helpful. : )
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Love is a human's greatest need regardless of gender; after all, God is love (1 Jo 4:8). Nothing else can compare to love. It's incomparable.
The Greek word agape is often translated "love" in the New Testament. How is "agape love" different from other types of love? The essence of agape love is self-sacrifice. Unlike our English word “love,” agape is not used in the Bible to refer to romantic or sexual love. Nor does it refer to close friendship or brotherly love, for which the Greek word philia is used. Nor does agape mean “charity,” a term which the King James translators carried over from the Latin. Agape love is unique and is distinguished by its nature and character. Read more: What is agape love?
Respect is an expression of love. The English definition for the word respect and the Greek definition for the word respect are different.
The Greek word listed for respect is (5399 phobeo) and it means "to put to flight, to terrify, frighten."
Several Bible translations use the word fear instead of respect in Ep 5:33.
Neverthelesse do ye so that every one of you love his wyfe truely even as him silfe. And let ye wyfe se that she feare her husbade (Tyndale).
But *ye* also, every one of you, let each so love his own wife as himself; but as to the wife [I speak] that she may fear the husband (Darby Translation).
Nevertheless do ye also severally love each one his own wife even as himself; and [let] the wife [see] that she fear her husband (ASV).
Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular love for his wife as himself: And let the wife fear her husband (Douay-Rheims).
Nevertheless ye all, each man love his wife as himself; and the wife dread her husband (WYC).
This is reverent fear and not irrational fear. As believers, we are told to fear God. Wives are told to fear (5399 phobeo) their husbands (Ep 5:33). In the OT, children were told to fear their parents (Le 19:3).
While men need respect (reverent fear), women need honor. Everyone needs honor (1Pe 2:17, Ro 12:10), but women have a very specific need for it (1 Pe 3:7). Honor (5092 time') means to value. Wives need to feel valued by their husbands.
Everyone needs understanding, but wives have a very specific need for it (1 Pe 3:7).
Everyone needs praise (Pr 27:2), but women have a very specific need for praise (Pr 31:28). Women are called to be keepers of the home, and they need to know that those in the home appreciate their hard work.
Men need respect (reverent fear) from their wives and children.
Women need to be honored (valued) and praised by their husbands and kids. Wives especially need understanding from their husbands.
The Greek word agape is often translated "love" in the New Testament. How is "agape love" different from other types of love? The essence of agape love is self-sacrifice. Unlike our English word “love,” agape is not used in the Bible to refer to romantic or sexual love. Nor does it refer to close friendship or brotherly love, for which the Greek word philia is used. Nor does agape mean “charity,” a term which the King James translators carried over from the Latin. Agape love is unique and is distinguished by its nature and character. Read more: What is agape love?
Respect is an expression of love. The English definition for the word respect and the Greek definition for the word respect are different.
The Greek word listed for respect is (5399 phobeo) and it means "to put to flight, to terrify, frighten."
Several Bible translations use the word fear instead of respect in Ep 5:33.
Neverthelesse do ye so that every one of you love his wyfe truely even as him silfe. And let ye wyfe se that she feare her husbade (Tyndale).
But *ye* also, every one of you, let each so love his own wife as himself; but as to the wife [I speak] that she may fear the husband (Darby Translation).
Nevertheless do ye also severally love each one his own wife even as himself; and [let] the wife [see] that she fear her husband (ASV).
Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular love for his wife as himself: And let the wife fear her husband (Douay-Rheims).
Nevertheless ye all, each man love his wife as himself; and the wife dread her husband (WYC).
This is reverent fear and not irrational fear. As believers, we are told to fear God. Wives are told to fear (5399 phobeo) their husbands (Ep 5:33). In the OT, children were told to fear their parents (Le 19:3).
While men need respect (reverent fear), women need honor. Everyone needs honor (1Pe 2:17, Ro 12:10), but women have a very specific need for it (1 Pe 3:7). Honor (5092 time') means to value. Wives need to feel valued by their husbands.
Everyone needs understanding, but wives have a very specific need for it (1 Pe 3:7).
Everyone needs praise (Pr 27:2), but women have a very specific need for praise (Pr 31:28). Women are called to be keepers of the home, and they need to know that those in the home appreciate their hard work.
Men need respect (reverent fear) from their wives and children.
Women need to be honored (valued) and praised by their husbands and kids. Wives especially need understanding from their husbands.
I think that's an extremely valid point. These were arranged marriages in a patriarchal society. I can imagine that was a pretty scary situation for a young girl. Therefore, it would be a wise thing for her to tread lightly with and around this "stranger" husband.
On the other hand, the husband in that patriarchal society had absolute power. He had little reason to fear. Therefore, it was really important that his power over her be tethered with agape love, honor, understanding and praise for her. This would prevent any abuse of power.
I stress agape love because so many times the love expressed in Ep 5:25 is trivialized and reduced to some romantic notion. The love expressed in that verse is agape love, and nothing else will do.
On the other hand, the husband in that patriarchal society had absolute power. He had little reason to fear. Therefore, it was really important that his power over her be tethered with agape love, honor, understanding and praise for her. This would prevent any abuse of power.
I stress agape love because so many times the love expressed in Ep 5:25 is trivialized and reduced to some romantic notion. The love expressed in that verse is agape love, and nothing else will do.
J
I think there is some truth to the saying that a man's top need is respect, and a woman's is love (actually, some say security).
This isn't an across-the-board true statement... there are bound to be exceptions. But on average, if a man's duty is to lead his family he would need respect, so even though mutual respect is absolutely vital to a healthy marriage, I can understand why men have special need of it. It's impossible to lead a home when there is no respect from the wife or children.
I think that the command to love your wives is all-encompassing and an even better deal for us, really. If a man loves his wife, he will also have regard for her, care for her feelings, want to please her and treat her well. I mean, if all of the "law" can be narrowed down to these two simple rules - to love the Lord your God, and love your neighbor as yourself, then we are really pretty much taken care of by God as far as his Word is concerned.
This isn't an across-the-board true statement... there are bound to be exceptions. But on average, if a man's duty is to lead his family he would need respect, so even though mutual respect is absolutely vital to a healthy marriage, I can understand why men have special need of it. It's impossible to lead a home when there is no respect from the wife or children.
I think that the command to love your wives is all-encompassing and an even better deal for us, really. If a man loves his wife, he will also have regard for her, care for her feelings, want to please her and treat her well. I mean, if all of the "law" can be narrowed down to these two simple rules - to love the Lord your God, and love your neighbor as yourself, then we are really pretty much taken care of by God as far as his Word is concerned.
And yes, never is a long time