My wife wants a divorce and wont even consider trying to 'work it out'

[presidente]

Presidente - Over the weekend i had thought about a non condemning rebuke done with love, i know it is something i will have to do sooner or later, i just wasn't sure the time was right, it is hard to say, i think i feel i need to wait for some reason.

Pray for wisdom on the timing. It just sounds to me it might be better for you to be displeased with her than begging her or following her around like a puppy dog.

Valentines day is coming up, i was thinking of buying her a promise ring as a symbol of my commitment to change, i plan to ask her if she can keep valentines day open for me.....

I don't know if that sort of thing would do anything right now. She might want to spend that day with someone else. Pray about it.

I do not know if i mentioned this yet, she has been messaging on her phone allot since she broke it off. I noticed her messaging parked in the driveway after coming home from work, i noticed her messaging in the bedroom in the dark, she gets up late at night to go messaging. Something else she has never done before, she got a phone call and went outside so i could not hear.

Deja Vu. I have heard this story before. I spent a little time reading a forum for men with marriage problems, and I read this story, and after a while the poster's wife admitted she was having an affair. These are typical scenarios if the wife is cheating. I can't say for sure. But her excitement over your agreeing to a divorce, rather than mixed feelings, or anti-climactic regret, just seem to me to be possible indicators of a cheating wife.

If you are on the same plan, you may be able to call the phone company and ask for records to check over past calls and texts on your phones. They may charge some kind of fee. It's not wrong to do that. She's your wife, and this is your household that you are responsible for.

Anyway, i suppose the point is, if she 'will' have Valentines day open for me or someone else?

If it were me and there were someone else, I'd probably go visit him and have a man-to-man conversation. If that didn't go well, and he had a wife, I'd be having a conversation with her.

She says there is no one else, and i accept that is possible, but the fact is, there will be someone else sooner or later, and as much as it kills me, i hope he looks after her better than i did, and i hope he is good with my daughter.

That last line tears me up just reading it.

 

[mystikmind]

Well, i have snooped a little already, but snooping doesn't put me in a very good state of mind so i stopped doing it.

From the snooping that i did do, i found an envelope in her bag with a message on it "congratulations on your new life". From some girl called 'Elle'.

I snooped in her purse, but not much, i did not want to leave evidence i was there. I found she still has our wedding photo in the photo pouch - possibly she just hasn't thought of removing it yet, i don't want to get my hopes up.

She changed her name on her email back to her maiden name.

She is no longer wearing her wedding ring, and the ring itself has disappeared, i cannot find it in any of her jewelry places and she was evasive when i asked her where it was. I figure she is keeping it to wear in front of people she does not want to tell yet.

For me, the question if there is someone else i am ready to forgive, and i feel like i can hardly blame her considering how long our lack of intimacy went on and i did not put up my hand and say, "we need to do something about this". But the problem is, if there is someone else, how can i compete with that as well as all our bad history on top, to win her back??

 

[mystikmind]

Sometimes i wonder what am i doing, why do i want to be with her so much, she was distant and irritable, and my efforts to show her my love were virtually invisible to her, i have been invisible to her for a long time, she did not,,, she,,,,, she,

she was the light of my life, even in the worst of times.

 

[Casper72]

Sorry to hear this is happening to you. It is sad to say but in my opinion I think people way to often think the grass is greener til they get in the other pasture. They are just not willing to work on things and once they get it in their head then nothing you can do or say will change it. A friend of mine went through it last year and now his ex 's life has just went down hill. Keep your head up! Keep your relationship with GOD!!

 

[DyingToSelf]

Sometimes i wonder what am i doing, why do i want to be with her so much, she was distant and irritable, and my efforts to show her my love were virtually invisible to her, i have been invisible to her for a long time, she did not,,, she,,,,, she,

she was the light of my life, even in the worst of times.

Remember what I told you in our PM? This is all mental/ emotional masturbation. We humans somehow like to do that, even the best of us fall prey to it.

But remember, this is NOT GOD's way. Read it yourself in His bible:-

Numbers 23:19
God Is not a man that He should lie; neither the son of man that He should repent: hath He said and shall He not do it? Or hath He spoken and shall He not make it good?

Philippians 4:6-7
Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Proverbs 21:1
The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.

Isaiah 41:10-13
‘Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Behold, all those who were incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced; They shall be as nothing, And those who strive with you shall perish. You shall seek them and not find them–Those who contended with you. Those who war against you Shall be as nothing, As a nonexistent thing. For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’[FONT=Verdana, Arial, sans-serif] [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]His promises of restoration abound in His Word, brother. Are you so blind that you will not see? [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]All of us have our burdens, all of us fight our daily battles, but do not behave as if you are a snivelling, crawling man that has no GOD. Be conscious of your position, the bible says we sit with Christ at the right hand of GOD. Is someone who has a seat at the right hand of GOD someone with no power and no victory?[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]You not being able to see it has no effect on whether He can or will do it. Remember that.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Father GOD,[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I pray for mystikmind today, remind him of Your faithfulness to us, remind him of all the miracles that You have done in his life. Give him Your GODfaith, the faith to call that which do not exist into being, give him faith to stand strong as a child of GOD and realise that he should not allow emotion and doubt into his heart and tongue.

Teach him to minister to others, for there is much he can do in Your kingdom today. Remind him to look away from his own situations, for he has cried out to You and You have heard his cries, as You heard the cries of Israel in their time of need in slavery. Remind him that You are already working in his life, that even if his wife hardens her heart, You have promised to restore to us more than that which was taken.

Father, take away this weakness in his spirit that constantly allows emotions and doubt to have their way with him, remind him that the blood of the Lamb of GOD was shed to give us protection over these very curses, that desolation and brokenness was washed away by our Saviour on that cross.

Father, give your peace to this man, and continue to work in his wife and family. Encourage them in their endeavours and remind them that You alone are sovereign in this situation.

I pray this in Jesus most precious name,
Amen[/FONT]

 

[Cee]

If you don't want to divorce don't do it. Tell her you refuse to be responsible for divorce. You are only interested in reconciliation. At this point it's on her for the divorce. And it's between her and God. She has been commanded by Christ to forgive and love her husband. You made mistakes and you've asked her for forgiveness. Now it's on her to follow-up. Just love her regardless of what she does. And keep your heart clear before the Lord.

 

[presidente]

Well, i have snooped a little already, but snooping doesn't put me in a very good state of mind so i stopped doing it.

From the snooping that i did do, i found an envelope in her bag with a message on it "congratulations on your new life". From some girl called 'Elle'.

Sounds like a bad company problem, bad company corrupts good morals. If you reconcile, you may need to encourage her to get better friends.

She changed her name on her email back to her maiden name.

She is no longer wearing her wedding ring, and the ring itself has disappeared, i cannot find it in any of her jewelry places and she was evasive when i asked her where it was. I figure she is keeping it to wear in front of people she does not want to tell yet.

Have you told her 'no' to the divorce.

For me, the question if there is someone else i am ready to forgive, and i feel like i can hardly blame her considering how long our lack of intimacy went on and i did not put up my hand and say, "we need to do something about this". But the problem is, if there is someone else, how can i compete with that as well as all our bad history on top, to win her back??

Was that her doing? Did you stop pursuing her?

 

[VioletReigns]

The Lord Jesus died to set us free from anything that keeps us in bondage, anything that prevents us from living the abundant life of peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Our worst enemy is our own flesh. Pride, selfishness, lust, greed, self-pity, anger, fear, doubt, apathy, etc. Jesus' Redemption blotted out our sins and we do not have to obey our fleshly impulses anymore. We can walk in the Spirit of Christ Jesus and be renewed in His image from day to day, from glory to glory.

You said the Lord gave you messages. One was regretting what might have been... the other message was that nothing is impossible with God. Whether your marriage is good or bad, the Lord said ALL things work together for GOOD to them who love the LORD and are CALLED according to His purpose. Praise God the Lord is doing a new thing in your life. Praise His Holy Name!! He called you and is doing something that is impossible with mere man. Hallelujah, brother! God is at work in your life! How awesome and marvelous is that?!?

Don't listen to any conflicting advice that doesn't line up with what God Himself is speaking to you presently. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and don't lean on your own understanding... in ALL your ways, acknowledge the LORD and He will direct your path! Seriously, give GOD thanks for not leaving you in an apathetic and neglectful state of mind. He is making you more and more into His image.

I don't know what is going on in your relationship. And nobody knows your wife's heart, only God does. In fact, the Word says we don't even know our own heart (until God reveals it to you). Give your wife to Jesus and pray for her the way you would want someone to pray for you. And do exactly what the Lord tells you. Don't listen to any advice that contradicts what God is impressing upon your heart.

I will pray for you as I'm sure many others here are doing. We can stand in faith with you believing God for your life and for your wife and your precious child. Please give this to the LORD and trust Him to mold you into His image. Rest, brother. Don't try to manipulate or control or threaten your wife. Treat her with respect and love. And REST in the grace and love of the Lord Jesus. Trust Him. He will do it.

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit," says the Lord of Hosts.

 

[mystikmind]

Sounds like a bad company problem, bad company corrupts good morals. If you reconcile, you may need to encourage her to get better friends.



Have you told her 'no' to the divorce.



Was that her doing? Did you stop pursuing her?

Yes, when you get told 'no' enough times, eventually you stop asking. And when i say 'enough times' I'm talking about months and years of constant no. You know, it takes allot to make a guy give up on sex, and i thought that since she is so eager not to have sex, ok then! Instead of trying to deal with the underlying problems. That failure on my part 2 years ago, that was the time to turn this around, and i missed it.

 

[mystikmind]

Thank you everyone for your prayers and beautiful words.

Today i traveled to the city center (Sydney) to attend a relationships course - there was some helpful information there but that is not what i wanted to talk about here, what i wanted to talk about was something else that happened.

As i was sitting there in the train, i saw a lonely looking girl in the seat ahead of me. I remembered my wife normally takes that train route to work in the City, and i suddenly pictured in my mind that there was another lonely woman riding this train for so long, my wife! I can imagine all the other passengers that see her sitting there and they don't know her pain deep inside.

I almost cried there and then on the train! I feel so guilty that i allowed that to go on until it forced a good woman to turn to the path of divorce. Oh God forgive me!

 

[gypsygirl]

The devil doesn't need your help in misusing scripture to increase the divorce rate amongst Christians ChandlerFan. He's got enough help already.

aok:

while you are surely free to express your opinion with vigor and enthusiasm, you are not free to do so with pride, arrogance and the insistence that your self-important litany of posts are clubs for which to beat others with. your eagerness to personally attack and impugn other cc'ers remind me why this forum has such an unfortunate reputation--a few christians who are more interested in being "right" than they are in being humble and loving, while elucidating, restoring, and discussing.

i find it utterly fascinating that God chose, of all things, our manner of loving one another to distinguish ourselves as christians. not by our scriptural knowledge, educational distinction, personal accomplishment or even how many words we post each day attempting to establish our "right-ness".

no, it's the manner of how we love one another--this is how the world will know who we are.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. john 13:34, 35

and while i don't have a lot of confidence that you will take my words to heart, i really hope you do.

further, your arguments would have more weight with others (including myself) if you wouldn't treat other posters as though they are entitled to suffer for failing to agree with you.

i've had the opportunity (and pleasure) of working with several very talented debate/logic coaches during my years in debate and forensics, and they always reminded us that an excellent argument requires no tactics or uncouth barbs simply because a credible argument stands tall on its on merit.

while i have been tempted to engage some of your posts in the past, i simply have zero desire to validate what comes from a person whom appears eager to abandon logic and reason for the tactics you appear so quick to employ.

or perhaps you enjoy this reputation you've earned--i really have no idea. nonetheless, the devil doesn't need your help attacking christians.

 

[tourist]

Sometimes i wonder what am i doing, why do i want to be with her so much, she was distant and irritable, and my efforts to show her my love were virtually invisible to her, i have been invisible to her for a long time, she did not,,, she,,,,, she,

she was the light of my life, even in the worst of times.

Perhaps you should make her happy and cut her loose. Tell her it is a one time offer. And tell her that there is no going back. Based on your posts regarding your situation this is what I would do.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

I understand logic and theology just fine having aced two master's degrees and a bachelor's of science in addition to about twenty engineering certifications and a science apologist credential.

In fact, I'm going to apply my considerable learning right now to your post by ignoring the ad hominem. Oh snap! There's really nothing left to reply to.

If you have an argument related to divorce and Christianity, what I'm discussing, then I suggest you make it. Otherwise, to put it "theologically," pull the log out of your own eye and take your own advice noting that if you continue to create posts personally attacking me and my character then I'm going to put you on ignore so as not to be bothered with the behavior.

Peace .

aok:

while you are surely free to express your opinion with vigor and enthusiasm, you are not free to do so with pride, arrogance and the insistence that your self-important litany of posts are clubs for which to beat others with. your eagerness to personally attack and impugn other cc'ers remind me why this forum has such an unfortunate reputation--a few christians who are more interested in being "right" than they are in being humble and loving, while elucidating, restoring, and discussing.

i find it utterly fascinating that God chose, of all things, our manner of loving one another to distinguish ourselves as christians. not by our scriptural knowledge, educational distinction, personal accomplishment or even how many words we post each day attempting to establish our "right-ness".

no, it's the manner of how we love one another--this is how the world will know who we are.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. john 13:34, 35

and while i don't have a lot of confidence that you will take my words to heart, i really hope you do.

further, your arguments would have more weight with others (including myself) if you wouldn't treat other posters as though they are entitled to suffer for failing to agree with you.

i've had the opportunity (and pleasure) of working with several very talented debate/logic coaches during my years in debate and forensics, and they always reminded us that an excellent argument requires no tactics or uncouth barbs simply because a credible argument stands tall on its on merit.

while i have been tempted to engage some of your posts in the past, i simply have zero desire to validate what comes from a person whom appears eager to abandon logic and reason for the tactics you appear so quick to employ.

or perhaps you enjoy this reputation you've earned--i really have no idea. nonetheless, the devil doesn't need your help attacking christians.

 

[Sirk]

Perhaps you should make her happy and cut her loose. Tell her it is a one time offer. And tell her that there is no going back. Based on your posts regarding your situation this is what I would do.

Sonetimes you just have to let people have the outcome of their decisions.

 

[mystikmind]

Perhaps me letting my wife 'go' is a little bit like a farmer opening a gate after the cattle have stampeded, destroyed the fence and ran off already!

I know that God will not cross the line of free will to bring my wife back, i would not want him too either! But perhaps if my wife realized that was what God was asking her to do, then i am sure she would. I pray that can happen, but i know it is not what i deserve, but regardless, i do know God can bring good out of the worst situations, even divorce.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Sometimes you also need to realize that maybe God is allowing this to happen for a reason known only to him, for now.. He is in control of all this. Cede the reins to Him. It will all work out to his glory in the end. Just remember he never shuts a door, without opening a window elsewhere first.

 

[mystikmind]

Sometimes you also need to realize that maybe God is allowing this to happen for a reason known only to him, for now.. He is in control of all this. Cede the reins to Him. It will all work out to his glory in the end. Just remember he never shuts a door, without opening a window elsewhere first.

I thought of a strange way of looking at these things.... Evil writes the script to destruction, God in his infinite wisdom and grace adds a new page to that script and turns the whole thing against itself to the glory of God and our Salvation!

 

[Sirk]

You can't get hung up on the outcome. Making good decisions and then letting it go is what God wants you to do. Kinda like putting helium in a ballon and letting it go.

 

[mystikmind]

You can't get hung up on the outcome. Making good decisions and then letting it go is what God wants you to do. Kinda like putting helium in a ballon and letting it go.

This i know, but simply knowing something is allot different to actually applying it in practice!

Let me just say what i have learn't, (speaking for myself). There seems to be two minds inside of us, that which is in our head and that which is in our heart. It is often the case that these two minds can believe completely contrary things, sometimes your head knows the right thing to do but your heart doesn't, and sometimes it happens the other way round.

I have struggled all my life to believe in God, what i mean is, in my head i know God is real, but my heart is silent. I think allot of people struggle with this, they will push themselves doing all the outward things to show their faith and it is almost as if they are desperately trying to deny the doubt they have deep inside, i can feel it in them, sometimes i can even feel this in ministers!

I have no doubt i believe in God, i can see his hand at work in the world (and recently with me) and i can see the hand of evil at work in the world too. Frankly it should be obvious to any intelligent person what is going on here, and it actually surprises me that people don't believe in God based on this evidence alone.

One time i was watching the news and as they were telling the story of all the bad things that happened to some family, suddenly it flashed in my mind, that family is Christian, then the family members came on the news and sure enough, they were! The hand of God or the hand of evil is obvious in the world for anyone to see.

 

[mystikmind]

Update:

My parents offered to sell their house and use the money to buy my wife out of her share of the house and move in with me.

My wife said it was a good idea and our daughter would love it.

To me it was a test, if she had any doubt at all about divorcing me, she would not like that idea, now i know.

Thanks to all for your help and prayers, i think i am past the worst of it and i am looking forward to my renewed relationship with God and eventually finding a new love.