My wife wants a divorce and wont even consider trying to 'work it out'

[mystikmind]

Listen friend people are always going to let you down,always.We're human.God's the only one who wont let us down.And I'm not preaching because Im still trying to get that in my own heart.I'm sorry your wife changed and sorry she has chosen the path she is no now.But its like they say "the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for a year is being in a bad relationship for a year and one day".If she's made her choice then let her go and be happy about it.Yes,happy.You dont need or want that type of person in your life.Not one more day.Good riddance to her.Move on in your life and be happy you got out when you did.

The fact that people 'can' let you down makes those special people who never let you down very special indeed! If you have a partner like that, cherish them.

I sent my wife a text message at 2am this morning, i know how much she likes messaging! I said; "I suppose you have a right to know that i think you have someone else, and that is why you refused to try to save our marriage. There is just too much evidence for me to ignore anymore, i am so sad".

It is 9am now, she must have seen that message by now and so far no reply. I hope she is thinking about it today and thinking about how to come clean, i just want this to be over and done with.

 

[Sirk]

The fact that people 'can' let you down makes those special people who never let you down very special indeed! If you have a partner like that, cherish them.

I sent my wife a text message at 2am this morning, i know how much she likes messaging! I said; "I suppose you have a right to know that i think you have someone else, and that is why you refused to try to save our marriage. There is just too much evidence for me to ignore anymore, i am so sad".

It is 9am now, she must have seen that message by now and so far no reply. I hope she is thinking about it today and thinking about how to come clean, i just want this to be over and done with.

It is not likely she will "come clean". Haven't seen it happen with my friends wives who have strayed, however, God did provide a miracle of sorts in each one that screamed........BUSTED!

 

[blue_ladybug]

It is not likely she will "come clean". Haven't seen it happen with my friends wives who have strayed, however, God did provide a miracle of sorts in each one that screamed........BUSTED!

he already has proof..she's busted whether she comes clean or not..

 

[Sirk]

he already has proof..she's busted whether she comes clean or not..

Oh....I guess I didn't see that one.

Pardon my skepticism but it's not likely she will "come clean". A good friend of mine didn't hear it out of her mouth but out of her lawyer in courtroom as she used it to try paint him in the light of trying to punish her. It went like this...."Mr so and so, is it true that you are just being vindictive because your wife cheated on you"? It had to do with a financial issue and came out almost three years after the divorce was final.

So if it can be used to her advantage she will exploit it....otherwise....a cheater is a liar and a cheater and the two are not mutually exclusive..

 

[blue_ladybug]

Oh....I guess I didn't see that one. Pardon my skepticism but it's not likely she will "come clean". A good friend of mine didn't hear it out of her mouth but out of her lawyer in courtroom as she used it to try paint him in the light of trying to punish her. It went like this...."Mr so and so, is it true that you are just being vindictive because your wife cheated on you". It had to do with a financial issue and came out almost three years after the divorce was final.

yeah seems like alot of times, the cheater blames the other spouse, and says "well if you had done (whatever here) then I wouldn't have cheated." Like it's the total fault of the other spouse that their hubby/wife decided to cheat because they weren'tgetting enough sex or attention or whatever. I don't mean the OP of this thread, just cheaters in general.

 

[Sirk]

yeah seems like alot of times, the cheater blames the other spouse, and says "well if you had done (whatever here) then I wouldn't have cheated." Like it's the total fault of the other spouse that their hubby/wife decided to cheat because they weren'tgetting enough sex or attention or whatever. I don't mean the OP of this thread, just cheaters in general.

Yup...I agree and that has been what I have seen. They lie even when caught red handed. They wanna "save face" I think.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Yup...I agree and that has been what I have seen. They lie even when caught red handed. They wanna "save face" I think.

and the more they lie, the more foolish they look when they are shown concrete proof of their indiscretions.. hard to save face then..

 

[mystikmind]

he already has proof..she's busted whether she comes clean or not..

Well, it is not 100% certain, but i tend to have that habit of wanting to hold onto hope even if it is only a 2% chance... i would make a terrible judge, no one would ever get sent to prison because i would always find that tiny bit of doubt!

Yes there is doubt, but what i am trying to convince myself is that it is not 'reasonable' doubt. I have to try to hold strong to this.

 

[Sirk]

and the more they lie, the more foolish they look when they are shown concrete proof of their indiscretions.. hard to save face then..

The strange thing is that the 3 that I know personally (husbands) of wives who cheated have tried to go on as if nothing happened. But it ain't happening for them. Their kids are filled with grief and anguish as to how mom could do this to their family. Makes for awkward family get togethers. It's really sad. Each one of my friends exes are married to the guy they cheated with and walked away from God. It's a matter of time until the wheels come off of that as well.

 

[Sirk]

Well, it is not 100% certain, but i tend to have that habit of wanting to hold onto hope even if it is only a 2% chance... i would make a terrible judge, no one would ever get sent to prison because i would always find that tiny bit of doubt!

Yes there is doubt, but what i am trying to convince myself is that it is not 'reasonable' doubt. I have to try to hold strong to this.

You really need to let it go. You're just torturing yourself.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

Following up on post #294:

My heart breaks for you upon reading this. It may not be cut and dried, blatant, irrefutable evidence, but it's a heavy suggestion of what's going on and it can make your head spin and heart sink all the more. The relationship I referenced when I first posted in relating to what you're going through went through something similar immediately following the breakup.

If she's divorced from you in her heart and in her mind, she may not feel the need to justify it, to "save face." Hurt people hurt people. In my experience, fighting for anything causes the other to seek this new romantic venture even more. I'm sorry, mystik. I believe the only fighting left is in the court, if any. You have no idea how much my heart aches for you over this.

If I can make one more suggestion, though, it would be to not do this:

I sent my wife a text message at 2am this morning, i know how much she likes messaging! (...) It is 9am now, she must have seen that message by now and so far no reply. I hope she is thinking about it today and thinking about how to come clean

Whether she wants to come clean or not is irrelevant. It might give you some closure, but then again, it might not. Personally, I think it would only serve to hurt you more to have it confirmed by her.

 

[blue_ladybug]

You really need to let it go. You're just torturing yourself.

yes mystik, Sirk is right and I second what he wrote here. You need to realize that maybe God is showing you the proof of her infidelities for a reason. You've seen it with your own eyes and a married woman doesn't read racy books and buy sexy lingerie UNLESS she plans on using what she reads and wears with her husband..she must know she left incriminating evidence behind. Maybe she left it on purpose for you to find, so that you'll wise up (I'm NOT saying you're dumb ) and realize that your marriage is over and it's fruitless for you to hang on to something that is completely gone now. Don't live in the past. Divorce her and move on because God has something much better in store for you.

 

[mystikmind]

You really need to let it go. You're just torturing yourself.

Indeed!

But i want to talk about it, i want to try to understand, i want to resolve things in my mind, and all you guys are really helping me allot, thank you.

I think what my wife's plan is, keep the guy hidden for some time and then later on when the time is right, pretend the relationship is new.

There is one other thing i never mentioned. When we first started dating, she was still attached to her boyfriend back in the Philippines, she did not tell him it was over for about a month after we became serious. She was not happy with that relationship, so that is what she does when she is not happy with a relationship. knowing this, i don't know why i ever trusted her so much, love truly is blind.

 

[SoulWeaver]

Don't live in the past. Divorce her and move on because God has something much better in store for you.

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Indeed!

But i want to talk about it, i want to try to understand, i want to resolve things in my mind, and all you guys are really helping me allot, thank you.

I think what my wife's plan is, keep the guy hidden for some time and then later on when the time is right, pretend the relationship is new.

There is one other thing i never mentioned. When we first started dating, she was still attached to her boyfriend back in the Philippines, she did not tell him it was over for about a month after we became serious. She was not happy with that relationship, so that is what she does when she is not happy with a relationship. knowing this, i don't know why i ever trusted her so much, love truly is blind.

she is rejecting every effort on your part to resolve this. I know you want her to come clean, but you have proof of her cheating, deep in your heart you know she did. Sometimes silence screams louder than words do.

 

[mystikmind]

I don't know what will happen next, i can forgive her but i don't see how we can maintain a friendship while she remains with that 'wife whisperer'?

 

[VioletReigns]

I have read these pages and pages of comments. It’s extremely difficult to even consider some of the responses, especially the sexist comments that stink of bitterness and arrogance toward women. There’s also a lot of good common sense advice and legal counsel posted throughout.

I did post a response a few weeks ago about emotional bondage. I don’t know if you really pondered it much but I believe you’re overlooking something important. You’ve said a whole lot in these pages and what I’m discerning is that you’re not too awfully aware of your worth in Jesus Christ. In fact, you don’t seem too focused on what the Lord wants for you.

I don’t mean what Jesus wants you to do regarding your marriage. I mean, you are spending plenty of time writing these messages to strangers online. How much time are you investing communicating with Jesus? Moreover, are you listening to what He is saying to you about your relationship with Him?

You previously said the Lord gave you two messages and I believe you. However, perhaps Jesus has been talking to you all along and you only paid attention to those two messages. Perhaps you’re too focused on the battle and not enough on the Victor. Maybe all these responses are keeping you from hearing clearly what the Lord is telling you. There’s certainly a lot of conflicting advice given here. I honestly don’t know how you could possibly find a genuine remedy for your situation in a storm of people’s opinions (including mine!).

Here’s the clincher: It doesn’t matter if you are married to the best spouse in the world or the worst spouse. Your spouse will NEVER keep you from being hurt in this world. Your spouse is not your savior. You came into this world without your spouse; you are going out of this world without your spouse. If your intimate relationship with Jesus Christ isn’t priority, you are doomed for heartbreak and loneliness. An imperfect human being can never take the place of Jesus Christ in your life. Nobody can do for you what the Lord Jesus can.

Honestly, I wish there was a teaching forum on this site. The Bible Discussion Forum is just harsh debating so that room is out. Nevertheless, there needs to be a forum where people can learn the reality of Jesus Christ. So many try to incorporate Jesus into their lives rather than surrender their entire lives to Him. So many need to learn that Jesus is LORD and abandoning ourselves to Him is the only way to know joy and to live in liberty.

Brother, I know nothing is impossible with God. You and your wife can be reconciled. If could take less than a year, it could take 20 years. Or you could let it all go like dust in the wind. Either way, Christ the Lord wants you to know He loves you more than anyone ever could. Whether or not your wife returns to you, you should learn what Almighty God thinks of you. I’m not talking about religion. I’m talking about a father and son relationship with the LORD.

I’m just reading low self-esteem all through your posts , lack of ambition, timidity, weariness, confusion, sadness, frustration. I believe someone in here put it like this: a truckload of unprocessed pain. My heart goes out to you and your wife both. But since you’re the one who came in here requesting support, I am directing this to you: The LORD is the only Authority on what you are worth. And you are worth everything to Him. When you truly know that, when Christ the LORD is your foundation, no storm of life will ever uproot you.

Jeremiah 17: 7 & 8 Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream. And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought; Nor cease to yield fruit.

Faithful Lord, I ask that this dear brother hear Your Voice that You can guide him to genuine godly counseling and legal advice. I pray gracious blessings to him and that his mind and heart be renewed and that You be glorified in his life. May he know You as Father. In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord!

 

[Sirk]

I don't know what will happen next, i can forgive her but i don't see how we can maintain a friendship while she remains with that 'wife whisperer'?

You can walk away with your dignity intact. I've had grown men literally sob uncontrollably on my shoulder over the very same thing but are now better than ever and have moved on.

 

[mystikmind]

Thank you VioletReigns, your words brought a tear to my eye, bless you.

I can tell you that i relish all the different points of view here, it helps allot to widen ones perspective, i would describe it like a garden full of different types of plants and you don't really know which plants are appropriate for you until you carefully examine them all, and sometimes even the less appropriate ones can still teach you something.

Yes i do struggle to listen to God, i have to admit, i still need allot of encouragement and guidance towards my relationship with God.

Yes i have low self esteem.... One of the things i have begun to realize is that i have lived most of my life since high school with an inner belief that i am not a good person. In high School i was bullied to the point of almost committing suicide, and only my belief in God saved me. I was so weak and afraid, and disgusted with myself. The years go by and the past is the past but somehow it still remains a part of me.

 

[Sirk]

Thank you VioletReigns, your words brought a tear to my eye, bless you.

I can tell you that i relish all the different points of view here, it helps allot to widen ones perspective, i would describe it like a garden full of different types of plants and you don't really know which plants are appropriate for you until you carefully examine them all, and sometimes even the less appropriate ones can still teach you something.

Yes i do struggle to listen to God, i have to admit, i still need allot of encouragement and guidance towards my relationship with God.

Yes i have low self esteem.... One of the things i have begun to realize is that i have lived most of my life since high school with an inner belief that i am not a good person. In high School i was bullied to the point of almost committing suicide, and only my belief in God saved me. I was so weak and afraid, and disgusted with myself. The years go by and the past is the past but somehow it still remains a part of me.

We as Christians don't need to be good enough....we just need to allow ourselves to be loved.