My "Perfect Wife" had an affair.

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Crown46

Guest
#1
#1
My wife and I got married very young at the age of 19, we got married because we were both strong christians and it just felt right. But just two days ago my wife had an affair with another man, it was brief but had been building for months as they would text and flirt back and forth. On Tuesday my wife took the day off from work to work on school work for her masters program. Little did I know she also told this other man she was taking the day off, he decided to drive from Ohio to Iowa for the chance to be alone with my wife. Once here they talked for 25.minutes then it intensified as they started to kiss and then he took her pants off, this is all from what my wife has told me, she said he then trusted twice and then she pushed him off and immidiatly felt regret. She then told me what happened on wednesday, my first reaction was shock, and then it proceeded to forgiveness, but it didn't stop there, my emotions are literally everywhere. One minute it seems okay, other moments I want a divorce. I still haven't fully come to grips with this because if you knew my wif you would never think she would do this. It doesn't make sense for her, it's opposite of the woman I fell in love with. We are going to do counseling and talk to our families. But I'm still undecided on if I can go on with this, as any who has gone through this, the worst part is visualizing what happened. The images hurt the worst, but right now I'm seeking fellowship. Please pray for us, I don't know you and you don't know us but my faith is shaken and it fells like everything I've ever built is falling apart. If you have questions just ask I'll do my best to answer them.
Thanks for all the support!
 
MarcR

MarcR

Senior Member
#2
Feb 12, 2015
5,486
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#2
It sounds as if she might have been pursuing a non-romantic friendship and became overwhelmed and unable to respond appropriately when the other guy showed up in person.

It sure doesn't sound like she was seeking sexual attention.


Some women are unable to cope with male sexual aggression. If indeed she was not a willing participant, you might do well to cut her some slack and try to help her learn how to cope with sexual aggression.


If she was a willing participant and then had remorse that is, IMO, a different issue.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#3
#3
Or she subconsciously wanted to know that she would be accepted by you at her lowest and acted out. You could speculate all day long about the human psyche and why we do the things we do but I see opportunity for you and your relationship.
 
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Livingforchrist

Guest
#4
#4
From own experience, my partner and I are going through something similar. And this happened over a year ago, and he sometimes still has issues with trust and sometimes he's just in a really bad mood,because of what I did. I feel great shame, guilt and regret: counseling is a good idea, it can help. Don't lose the faith and ask God to lead you in the right direction. I really hope you and your wife save your marriage. God Bless you. The first few months will be hard, you will look at her and have anger and ask why, but with time you will be able to work it through.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#5
Feb 21, 2014
70,920
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#5
There's no such thing as the "perfect wife" or "perfect husband." If this affair has been building up for several months, then why is she only NOW feeling guilty? It took alot of courage for her to tell you, because she could have easily left you oblivious about the whole thing. If I were you, I'd get tested for any STD's she may have contracted from this guy. I highly doubt they used protection. People usually don't, especially when they're all hot and bothered. It's good that you have forgiven her, but your marriage no longer has trust in it. Without trust, there is no marriage. It's up to you whether to divorce her or not, but do you want to take the risk of this happening again?
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#6
Feb 21, 2014
70,920
9,669
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#6
MarcR said:
It sounds as if she might have been pursuing a non-romantic friendship and became overwhelmed and unable to respond appropriately when the other guy showed up in person.

It sure doesn't sound like she was seeking sexual attention.


Some women are unable to cope with male sexual aggression. If indeed she was not a willing participant, you might do well to cut her some slack and try to help her learn how to cope with sexual aggression.


The affair has been going on for several months, so obviously she WAS a willing participant. But like you said, maybe she didn't expect him to show up in person. On the other hand maybe she called him and said come on, but didn't think he'd really go from state to another to get to her.
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skylove7

Guest
#7
#7
I'd never cheat on a man. I am baffled what to say here. But I do know one thing. We all have the power to not cheat on someone if we really love them. That's all there is to it. Temptation my foot....its easy to refrain. Least it is for me because I wouldn't think of it. Where I in love with a man...he would be all I wanted no question. I will pray for your relationship though. I do hope it works out.
 
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TheTruthAboutTheTruth

Guest
#8
#8
I'll pray for you remember love never ends and love never fails can you look past your wife's mistake and still love her beyond this knowledge what if the roles were reverse. The enemy is always looking for ways to separate marriages because there's power in it.You should consecrate yourself (fasting and praying)for little while and let God heal your wounds and hurt and pray that any love that was taken out of your heart to come back and for you to forgive her. If you need any more counseling on this I'll be happy to help God bless you.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#9
#9
skylove7 said:
I'd never cheat on a man. I am baffled what to say here. But I do know one thing. We all have the power to not cheat on someone if we really love them. That's all there is to it. Temptation my foot....its easy to refrain. Least it is for me because I wouldn't think of it. Where I in love with a man...he would be all I wanted no question. I will pray for your relationship though. I do hope it works out.
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I too find cheating very hard to relate too? .... i imagine it is like a moth to a flame? It looks very good from a distance, and the attraction keeps pulling then in over time, but then when they actually touch it, the effects are devastating.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#10
#10
Cheating is new...it's exciting and scratches an itch that seeks significance.
 
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cmarieh

Guest
#11
#11
If they began flirting back and forth for a while it could be that she didn't know how to make it stop and could have felt guilt from the very beginning. And she could have subconsciously told this man that she was going to be at home while you were out of the house and he took advantage of that and came on to her. I am not saying that she is innocent here, but men do have a lot of power over women and a lot of women don't know how to handle it. The reason why she confessed to you is she is not sure how to end it and she needs you to step up and hold her hand and work through this problem together. It sounds like she wants to fight for this marriage and every marriage is worth fighting for. I will be praying for you and your wife.
 
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RachelP03

Guest
#12
#12
Honestly, when I read your post, I read A HUMAN BEING. I by no means am saying what she did was right or even the build up, but Im saying people are not perfect and if this does not sound like your wife then she got tempted like we all do and failed. The fact that she did push him off in guilt and stopped, shows ALOT to me.

MY husband cheated and lived in this life for 3 months while we trying for a baby. He never told me and he corwardly walked away from 10 years. I lost respect for him but still fought for my marriage. Your wife has opened up to you, admitted her wrongs and that alone Im sure was hard and also is willing to do whatever to make it right.

I picture Christ and how he takes us back every time we stray or turn our face or even purposely rebel against him out of anger and yet he takes us back every time and shows grace and love. You would be an amazing husband if you took this, laid it at Christs feet and showed her grace and love. Im sure she is hurting and upset and disappointed and ashamed and right now she might understand if your standoffish, but what amazing feeling as a woman if you just went over to her and let her cry in your arms and told you loved her NO MATTER WHAT your feelings may be right now.

Im not saying you have to do that, but dosent Christ do that for us? Also, when taking your vows, you said for better or for worse and this just might be FOR WORSE!! I see a beautiful testimony out of this, but also during counseling the best thing would be to WHY she needed this mans attention and work on that. She might insecure, or bored in life or who knows.....but Im all about trying to find the problem and work on that, instead of walking away and starting over.

I hope nothing but the best for you and I know this is completely hard and confusing trial time right now. I see so much hope and potential in your marriage just from what the brief post. I will def be praying for you and your marriage and if you ever need to talk or vent, Im totally here for you!!!
 
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RachelP03

Guest
#13
#13
cmarieh said:
If they began flirting back and forth for a while it could be that she didn't know how to make it stop and could have felt guilt from the very beginning. And she could have subconsciously told this man that she was going to be at home while you were out of the house and he took advantage of that and came on to her. I am not saying that she is innocent here, but men do have a lot of power over women and a lot of women don't know how to handle it. The reason why she confessed to you is she is not sure how to end it and she needs you to step up and hold her hand and work through this problem together. It sounds like she wants to fight for this marriage and every marriage is worth fighting for. I will be praying for you and your wife.
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Ours always sound alike, lol.....I was typing mine when you posted yours and when I posted mine, I had read yours!!! You posted yours 2 minutes before me,....lol
 
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cmarieh

Guest
#14
#14
RachelP03 said:
Ours always sound alike, lol.....I was typing mine when you posted yours and when I posted mine, I had read yours!!! You posted yours 2 minutes before me,....lol
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Yes, but yours sound a lot better. You are much stronger in your writing than I am. I do find it quite interesting though. Maybe that is why we have become such great friends, which I thank God for everyday.
 
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Virgarus

Member
#15
Aug 5, 2012
40
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#15
I'm sorry this happened to you Crown46. Right now, you're probably not in the right state of mind to make any logical decisions, so I would suggest laying low for a while until you get your head together.

I may be in the minority of opinions here when I say this, but here's the thing: this is your W-I-F-E we're talking about here. Not some live-in girlfriend, not some high school romance. I cannot understand how a person can describe the act of cheating in a marriage as a mistake? There is no such thing. Why? Because cheating requires being sneaky. Sneakiness requires KNOWING how to cover up the truth and what to actions to cover up. Either way, there's a sense of awareness there that says "I know this wrong, that's why I have to be sneaky about it." Therefore, ANY cheater, whether male or female, KNOWS what they are doing when they cheat. But instead, they come up with so many ways and reasons to rationalize why they're doing it to justify doing it to continue doing it.

There is nothing that man or any man has to offer your wife that she can't already get from her husband (you). Remember that. The act of cheating alone signifies selfishness of the most degrading degree.

Now, I'm not saying run right out there and divorce your wife for her "mistake." What I'm saying is ask yourself IF YOU can live with this, IF YOU can really trust this woman from now on, and IF YOU are capable of putting in the work it's going to take to re-learn how to trust your wife? Are you really going to be able to respect the integrity of every word this woman says knowing she has the capability of lying to you to get what she wants? You said yourself you would have never guessed your wife would do such a thing, and you would probably still be clueless until this very day if she had continued to keep it a secret.

On the other hand, all is not hopeless if she is really HONESTLY willing to hunker down and stop acting selfish and start communicating with you and you only instead of communicating with another man behind your back. It's a tough call...
 
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Virgarus

Member
#16
Aug 5, 2012
40
2
8
#16
cmarieh said:
If they began flirting back and forth for a while it could be that she didn't know how to make it stop and could have felt guilt from the very beginning.
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She had no business exchanging phone numbers with another man behind her husband's back in the first place. Period.
 
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Lynn68

Member
#17
Sep 9, 2014
97
1
0
#17
Virgarus you hit the nail on the head. I can say this, because I've been through the same thing. The affair happened two years ago, and I still don't trust him. The fact that she admitted what she did is huge. And if she repents that's even better. What God wants US to do, is forgive. Trust and reconciliation will take time. But we must forgive, or its like we swallow poison, expecting the other person to die.
 
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sunburn

Guest
#18
#18
There is a couple who preach about forgiveness. Check sid Roth marriage forgot the names of the couple. The man who was a pastor stepped down because his wife got involved with a younger man in the church. He pursued her knowing fully she was married and told her everything nice possible. Sometimes husband forget to stimulate their wife that way unfortunately that weakens women easily. Not that it is an rxcuse but it's a door ... The wife thought she was strong but ended sleeping with this young guy. But she couldn't handle the guilt so she told her husband. I watched them on YouTube talk about how they saved their marriage and all I wanted to do is stone the woman. Because she became pregnant with this guy. One astonished me was that the husband decided to cover and protect the wife. And he resigned from the church, moved the family to another town so she won't face the scold from people and told the three children they already have that he is NOT going anywhere and that they are going to love each other and this new child. Love covers a multitude of sins. He suffered struggled. They had counselling. He thought of quitting. He had every reason to leave. But he stayed. He made her a better woman and gave his name to the mixed race boy his wife birthed.
 
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sunburn

Guest
#19
#19
I could not accuse her as I wanted to because the husband was protecting her so fiercely. So I backed off.
I may not be a cheater. I cannot really understand your wife but all I can say, don't open the door for other people to make it worse for your family. Understand how your wife ended up there and get counselling, pray but overall protect your home. It is hard but she confessed....
 
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Crown46

Guest
#20
#20
You all have been awesome to read through. I made this thread without my wife knowing but after seeing how many people responded I let her read it all, it opened up alot of doors that we had not crossed yet and it really helped us. We have decided to try and save our marriage. Understanding that it's going to be a long process. Personally my emotions go up and down like a roller coaster for a couple hours I will be okay, not normal, but okay. And then all it takes is one mental image and I go into a short rage and then feel like I'm back to zero. If anyone has any tips at all to help with the mental visuals I would love to hear them,
again thank you all your words have already helped us start to save our marriage.
 
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