I was talking to a friend and the man she is seeing about my experience in marriage and making one work... or the behaviors that can destroy a marriage. In our discussion, we noted that there are a few regular posters in the Singles form who are married, like me have been married and widowed, and there are those who have been married and divorced.
I'm not going to come at this like I have all the answers, but I have seen a few things. Mostly, I think it would be great to have a discussion, share some experience, perhaps answer questions... help each other find healing in the bits that have hurt us or where we have concerns and questions about how some of this works out.
Men and women, in a lot of respects, have a lot of differences based on perspective. Our needs can be similar, but many are different. One of the first things I will point out is that we so often give what we need to receive - which unless you are involved with or married to someone very similar to you can have disastrous results. Often neither partner feels their needs are met and feels like they are giving into a vacuum and that's just no good for anyone. (I use the word partner here, because it's not specific to either gender nor marital status.)
So... for fun, and to follow through with the first thought of needs being met, do you know what your 'love language' is? This is a really nice tool so you understand yourself. I took it both as a single person and a married person (because I've BEEN both) and honestly, some of the answers are different because my behavior is different as a single person than when I was married... there is no real physical component to my life now, obviously. And not to put too fine a point on it, I like a lot of non-sexual touch when I am married, but not so much as a single person not in a relationship. (go figure) But, it's a nice tool to help you understand what things are important to you right now.
Here's the link: Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships… One Language at a Time.
Later, I'll bring up things like communication style, building up a bank account, and how to walk through conflicts.
I know I don't know everything. I won't presume that my methods are going to work in your relationship, but hopefully there may be some suggestions that get you thinking on how to handle conflict when you are in a relationship/marriage, as well as actual tools to use.
Marriage isn't easy. Though in my experience, once we got through the kinks of the first few years where we were really getting to know each other in an in-person, day-to-day, in your face all the time way... it really wasn't that difficult either.
In reading this over, I haven't really posed a question to create a discussion. Maybe the question on this one is: Do you know what works for you in giving and getting your needs met? Do you know how to communicate those needs and areas you can give to? How do you start that conversation?
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*DISCLAIMER: I know there are posters here who are anti-marriage for various reasons, and while I think you have the absolute right to feel however you feel, would it be ok for us to have a conversation about marriage here without you warning us all off? I hope so.*
______________________________________________
I'm not going to come at this like I have all the answers, but I have seen a few things. Mostly, I think it would be great to have a discussion, share some experience, perhaps answer questions... help each other find healing in the bits that have hurt us or where we have concerns and questions about how some of this works out.
Men and women, in a lot of respects, have a lot of differences based on perspective. Our needs can be similar, but many are different. One of the first things I will point out is that we so often give what we need to receive - which unless you are involved with or married to someone very similar to you can have disastrous results. Often neither partner feels their needs are met and feels like they are giving into a vacuum and that's just no good for anyone. (I use the word partner here, because it's not specific to either gender nor marital status.)
So... for fun, and to follow through with the first thought of needs being met, do you know what your 'love language' is? This is a really nice tool so you understand yourself. I took it both as a single person and a married person (because I've BEEN both) and honestly, some of the answers are different because my behavior is different as a single person than when I was married... there is no real physical component to my life now, obviously. And not to put too fine a point on it, I like a lot of non-sexual touch when I am married, but not so much as a single person not in a relationship. (go figure) But, it's a nice tool to help you understand what things are important to you right now.
Here's the link: Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships… One Language at a Time.
Later, I'll bring up things like communication style, building up a bank account, and how to walk through conflicts.
I know I don't know everything. I won't presume that my methods are going to work in your relationship, but hopefully there may be some suggestions that get you thinking on how to handle conflict when you are in a relationship/marriage, as well as actual tools to use.
Marriage isn't easy. Though in my experience, once we got through the kinks of the first few years where we were really getting to know each other in an in-person, day-to-day, in your face all the time way... it really wasn't that difficult either.
In reading this over, I haven't really posed a question to create a discussion. Maybe the question on this one is: Do you know what works for you in giving and getting your needs met? Do you know how to communicate those needs and areas you can give to? How do you start that conversation?
______________________________________________
*DISCLAIMER: I know there are posters here who are anti-marriage for various reasons, and while I think you have the absolute right to feel however you feel, would it be ok for us to have a conversation about marriage here without you warning us all off? I hope so.*
______________________________________________