Potential Partner - What to tell and what not to tell

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J

JustViv

Guest
#1
#1
Reading from one of the thread, I would like to seek your opinion on the following:-

Everybody have a story to tell about your past, it can be very ugly or beautiful. It may have happened 30, 20, 10 or even within the last 5 years ago. No one can go back time to change the past and the past is what make who you are. Some of us can be very careful with certain people we meet or doing certain things because from our experience in the past, it tells us that, there's a danger there!

So, when you meet a potential partner, how much should you tell the person? Do you even have to tell him/her about how many ex-boyfriends you have had? When you start seeing the person, do you have to reveal about your past? Or, let the bygones be bygones?
 
R

RememberTheSabbathDay

Banned
#2
Nov 30, 2013
682
10
0
#2
JustViv said:
Reading from one of the thread, I would like to seek your opinion on the following:-

Everybody have a story to tell about your past, it can be very ugly or beautiful. It may have happened 30, 20, 10 or even within the last 5 years ago. No one can go back time to change the past and the past is what make who you are. Some of us can be very careful with certain people we meet or doing certain things because from our experience in the past, it tells us that, there's a danger there!

So, when you meet a potential partner, how much should you tell the person? Do you even have to tell him/her about how many ex-boyfriends you have had? When you start seeing the person, do you have to reveal about your past? Or, let the bygones be bygones?
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Hello Sister JustViv,


First of all, is this where God is leading you? How long have you been friends first? How long have u known this guy? Some things are only between you and God. If you have asked God for forgiveness concerning your past mistakes..and God has forgiven u..then its really bygones. Let the Lord lead you as to what to reveal about your past. Some things can destroy the relationship right off the bat and others they can hold against you...

Unless u have not gotten over an ex and that person shows up from time to time, this could really be a problem..depends on the potential and if you still have hidden feelings. Give yourself time to get to know him and wait on God to reveal if he is the one. Satan is so slick ..he will try to trip u at any chance and with anyone..this is why thoughtful prayer is very much needed...We as humans can only give u advice..but God can give u certainty.
 
J

JustViv

Guest
#3
#3
RememberTheSabbathDay said:
Hello Sister JustViv,


First of all, is this where God is leading you? How long have you been friends first? How long have u known this guy? Some things are only between you and God. If you have asked God for forgiveness concerning your past mistakes..and God has forgiven u..then its really bygones. Let the Lord lead you as to what to reveal about your past. Some things can destroy the relationship right off the bat and others they can hold against you...

Unless u have not gotten over an ex and that person shows up from time to time, this could really be a problem..depends on the potential and if you still have hidden feelings. Give yourself time to get to know him and wait on God to reveal if he is the one. Satan is so slick ..he will try to trip u at any chance and with anyone..this is why thoughtful prayer is very much needed...We as humans can only give u advice..but God can give u certainty.
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Well, I'm not seeing anyone or having any potential partners in mind but just to get myself prepared should I meet someone someday. :) Been single and available for 10 years now after a few rough relationships in the past.
 
H

Hellooo

Guest
#4
#4
Just hide the crazy under the rug for a month or two, until he's invested.

 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#5
Jun 30, 2015
25,073
13,601
113
#5
Your past is yours to share, or not. It's really none of the other person's business unless you are serious enough to consider marrying. Otherwise (and this is borrowed from somewhere), consider going at least 5 dates without discussing the past. Get to know the person as they are, and for them to know you as you are. Mature people understand that everyone has a past and that it shapes us to some extent.

At some point you'll want to know more about your new person. Consider that every question you ask, you must be prepared to answer, and hiding things makes people wonder why. Perhaps discuss with that person having a time when you both share the basic details. That will provide context and some safety. BTW, best not to do that unless you've met a few times in person, so that you have a sense of who they are.

If there are things from your past which cause pain still, note them and deal with them privately. If something the other person shares makes you uncomfortable or about which you feel a need to know more, approach with prayer and caution.

That all said, seek the Lord's guidance, trust that He is good and in charge, and have fun out there (or here on CC, should that be the situation!) :)
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#7
#7
My current girlfriend has told me almost everything about herself and her past. Both in childhood and as she got older. There is probably very little i don't know about her. We've known each other less than 6 months. Your past is part of who you are, it can help explain some of your quirks and issues. I accept her for who she is, regardless of what her past was. But i'm glad for all the things she has told me because it helps me understand her better as a whole. And it allows me to help her, when needed, if any of those issues come up. There has been very little i've expressly asked her not to tell me, and that is stuff that is irrelevant and i don't want to know.
I like knowing.
 
Olerica

Olerica

Banned
#9
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#9
I would rather know, than not. We all have pasts, and our pasts have bearing on who we are. We all struggle with different things both before and after our conversions, and watching for triggering things and being accountable to each other is very important.
 
S

Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#10
#10
All up to personal discretion. Maybe reveal things in phases as the trust grows.
 
C

cmarieh

Guest
#11
#11
I have the type of personality that what you see is what you get. I make mistakes and will openly admit and apologize for them and what I expect is the other person be the same way. I strive not to be judgemental and to accept people for who they are and respect where they came from because Christ died for their sins as he did the same for me. The reason why I do this is because I want to be accepted for who I am as we all do.

I am open to share anything to someone else until they give me a reason not to trust them and as a result I learn more and more about myself.

I use this in all my friendships and I am a firm believer in a potential partner being one I consider my best friend.
 
Roh_Chris

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
#12
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
58
48
#12
JustViv said:
So, when you meet a potential partner, how much should you tell the person? Do you even have to tell him/her about how many ex-boyfriends you have had? When you start seeing the person, do you have to reveal about your past? Or, let the bygones be bygones?
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You have to tell your potential partner "all of it". But you can hold it back until you know that the person is worth opening up to. In any case, it is advisable that the two of you know everything about each other's past before making starting a relationship.
 
S

Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#13
#13
Roh_Chris said:
You have to tell your potential partner "all of it".
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While I very much disagree with this, it's respectable that you seem so willing to oblige to laying it all out there. I really hope a lovely lady respects your honesty likewise, brother. :)
 
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Rapunzel

Junior Member
#14
Mar 16, 2014
13
0
1
#14
I think it is best to tell a partner about your past. I guess if a person had multiple sexual partners, abortions, a drug addiction, etc. I can see why they might not want to disclose that.. So I guess in that situation it depends on the person. If you know the guy could not handle knowing, then yeah you probably shouldn't tell them. However, I think as a rule honesty is the best policy. After all, how can you really love someone if you don't even really know them?
 
Olerica

Olerica

Banned
#15
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#15
Well, I don't think you reveal it ALL right away.... but yeah, transparency is imperative
 
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jeremyPJ

Guest
#16
#16
no talking of the past, unless its happy family memories. Everytime I've ever shared my gal past with the next one, it got used very well against me. We both start at square one. I'm getting to know her, she's getting to know me. No lies, no secrets. If you ask something I won't answer, I will just say I'd rather not share. I hope it isn't taken personally, but between "friends" and "lovers", sharing has not fared well. I would rather have a fresh start and make some fun, relaxing memories together.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#17
May 23, 2009
16,242
5,211
113
#17
Hellooo said:
Just hide the crazy under the rug for a month or two, until he's invested.

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I'm going to need a bigger rug.

I'm thinking... probably an entire house of fully-padded carpeting...
 
C

chan1987

Guest
#18
#18
I agree with what you said let the past be the past, how ever I also think u should take your time (when the relationship is serious) to reveal the good and bad major parts of your previous life, things that could effect u/ your relationship now (I.e children from previous relationship etc). I would point out to your partner that your past does not define who you are but you have learnt from it (hopefully,lol) and God brought u through it for a reason. Put a good spin on it.
 
A

Abing

Guest
#19
#19
Well, if he's who God has prepared for me, then I wouldn't consider him a 'potential' partner anymore. So there is nothing to hide. I'd suggest asking God for signs, if he's the one, then you don't have to worry about what to say, and what not to say - cause nothing that will ever be said by any of you can break God's plan.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#20
Mar 26, 2014
4,414
2,405
113
#20
JustViv said:
Reading from one of the thread, I would like to seek your opinion on the following:-

Everybody have a story to tell about your past, it can be very ugly or beautiful. It may have happened 30, 20, 10 or even within the last 5 years ago. No one can go back time to change the past and the past is what make who you are. Some of us can be very careful with certain people we meet or doing certain things because from our experience in the past, it tells us that, there's a danger there!

So, when you meet a potential partner, how much should you tell the person? Do you even have to tell him/her about how many ex-boyfriends you have had? When you start seeing the person, do you have to reveal about your past? Or, let the bygones be bygones?
Click to expand...
I think a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if your "potential partner" were to find out this information about your past from some other source, how would they feel about you keeping it a secret from them? Such disclosures and misunderstandings might make for entertaining movies, but you don't want that kind of hurt and drama in real life. So yes, enough should be shared so that should the potential be realized (i.e. should you two get married) no one feels like they were deceived by being shown only the good side. That doesn't mean everything should be shared as soon as you feel the first bits of interest, but it does mean that eventually the big things and the things that have been a big deal in your life should be shared. Do all the gory details of the things you regret need to be recounted? I don't think so.

The flip side of this is that we should also be somewhat upfront about our deal breakers before a lot of emotional investment has happened. I would think it would be much less painful for a guy to tell me early on that he can't ever imagine being with someone who has ________, than it would be for me to make a difficult confession because I thought we had gotten close and serious enough he should know, and then be rejected for it.

Then again, I may be perpetually single because I tend to be too analytical about such things. Guys may not want a woman who is too emotional, but I haven't had much luck being the woman with analytical and calculated emotions either (and yes most of my emotions do go through a period of rational calculation before being expressed, sometimes in frustration that my stupid emotions won't be more logical.) So in theory my advice is good, in practice, well maybe you should ask someone who has had some practice at being in romantic relationships.
 
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