Marraige Crisis

[Tom2326]

After 14 years of being married, our marriage is ready to dissolve. In may, we found our marriage in trouble. My wife had grown strained on my controlling issues. I kept her guarded due to insecurities of my self and a stupid affair she had 10 years ago. I thought we were past it but I it seems was not, hence the controlling issues. I have since that time tried with all my might to repent, Love my wife tremendously and pray for redemption. During this time, she took to have an online relationship with a man from Flordia. As we struggled with that, we made a decision to go to counseling. We never did and in the interim another online relationship began, this time from a man from England. This man is much more aggressive, even planning on moving here with his kids as he is divorced and finalizing the deal with his wife. At the peak of that relationship, and my struggles and obsession with the first guy, we moved into divorce phase. I have dedicated my self since may to be as loving as I could possibly be with my wife, esthablish a church as we just moved to the city. To no avail we went nowhere. Since our status is separated, other guys have expressed interest to my my, thus began a new obsession. Nothing real has happened as she is focused on Mr. England. She came to me yesterday, unknowing to me , after meeting with a Christian friend she wanted to take a weekend off with our friend and go to the lord, and seek if our marriage could move on. At the same time my obsession grew to the point where I called one of the local interest (she is not in a relationship with this one but he text her) and told him to back off. It created a firestorm, put the guy from England in first place and we argued. Trumping all hope she was going towards. I keep messing up. I am feared that I am losing my wife (we still live together, no real affair has happened) She is blocking me more and more. I don't know what to do. She did cut off the text with the local interest but I still made the move that sparked a argument. My children are mad at me (after last nights argument) and I struggle to go to God. I fear Satan has gotten the best of me. I am so afraid. What do I do????

 

[tourist]

I believe that a separation from your wife would be beneficial as it would give you both time to contemplate what is really important at this point of your lives. I understand about your controlling issues but this may be a huge factor in driving your wife away from you. Seems to me that you really could use a time out from your troubled marriage. I'm afraid that you have a long road ahead of you so that it would be best to give this all to God and see where it leads you. Welcome to CC.

 

[Angela53510]

So have you sought marriage counseling? Have you gone to any kind of counseling yourself about these control issues?

Controlling someone is the first stage of abuse. I know you have admitted you were wrong to do this, but you need tools to see when and how you are doing this, and how to stop.

As for your wife, she is having her cake and eating it too. She is living with you, using you for security and home. Yet she is having these emotional affairs with unattainable men. She is really messed up.

I do not think an emotional affair is grounds for divorce. But I do think your wife needs help, and fast. Is she even a Christian? She sounds desperate for positive attention, which she was not getting from you. A controller is all about the negative, and putting the person in their place.

How about flowers, dinner? Cleaning the house? Taking the kids somewhere so she can have some alone time? And yes, trust her with that alone time.

Lots and lots of things to work on here. Don't give up on your marriage. It is not God's will for you to divorce because of your wife's unmet needs resulting in these on-line dalliances. Praying for you to find your way forward in God and in your marriage.

And remember to love and forgive her, as Christ loves and forgives us.

 

[Tom2326]

Yes I have sought Council from a therapist, paster and friend. I have been committed to change that. But in the mist of this situation, I have not been able to bear, sorry my friend. I'm broken. Always have been. Don't know what to do anymore. My kids are mad at me when I try to talk to her about this. What else is there, tell me really?

 

[blue_ladybug]

Set aside your pride, anger and arrogance. Hand it all over to God. Give wifey some space. I think a separation would do you both good.

 

[skylove7]

Blue Lady Bug!

For real You are to special to my heart!

For real !


All strangers here!

Ask BLB
Dang !


It is time we gotta real somethin'

Lol

Love u lady bug !


I love you Blue for reasons your soul has no idea
... til we be sisters in Heaven yet! LOL


Love U Sister!

 

[skylove7]

A real somethin!

Lol...love u Blueladybug!

Love you more than you will ever know!
Mwah!

 

[atwhatcost]

After 14 years of being married, our marriage is ready to dissolve. In may, we found our marriage in trouble. My wife had grown strained on my controlling issues. I kept her guarded due to insecurities of my self and a stupid affair she had 10 years ago. I thought we were past it but I it seems was not, hence the controlling issues. I have since that time tried with all my might to repent, Love my wife tremendously and pray for redemption. During this time, she took to have an online relationship with a man from Flordia. As we struggled with that, we made a decision to go to counseling. We never did and in the interim another online relationship began, this time from a man from England. This man is much more aggressive, even planning on moving here with his kids as he is divorced and finalizing the deal with his wife. At the peak of that relationship, and my struggles and obsession with the first guy, we moved into divorce phase. I have dedicated my self since may to be as loving as I could possibly be with my wife, esthablish a church as we just moved to the city. To no avail we went nowhere. Since our status is separated, other guys have expressed interest to my my, thus began a new obsession. Nothing real has happened as she is focused on Mr. England. She came to me yesterday, unknowing to me , after meeting with a Christian friend she wanted to take a weekend off with our friend and go to the lord, and seek if our marriage could move on. At the same time my obsession grew to the point where I called one of the local interest (she is not in a relationship with this one but he text her) and told him to back off. It created a firestorm, put the guy from England in first place and we argued. Trumping all hope she was going towards. I keep messing up. I am feared that I am losing my wife (we still live together, no real affair has happened) She is blocking me more and more. I don't know what to do. She did cut off the text with the local interest but I still made the move that sparked a argument. My children are mad at me (after last nights argument) and I struggle to go to God. I fear Satan has gotten the best of me. I am so afraid. What do I do????

I remember you from before. (Wife having a text relationship with a guy in England. Not entirely common place, if you want to know how I remember you.) I just don't remember what anyone said the last time you were here. And, I can't find it.

Any chance you remember your user name from last time? I kind of like to know more of the back story when I know I have the opportunity to find out what it is.

 

[Tom2326]

Might of been on Tapatalk. What part of the story would you like me to elaborate on. It is hard, hate saying ill thoughts about my wife. She is a wonderful person. Wish I could of kept her love. Too bad I'm American. I will share whatever you like :-(

 

[Angela53510]

Yes I have sought Council from a therapist, paster and friend. I have been committed to change that. But in the mist of this situation, I have not been able to bear, sorry my friend. I'm broken. Always have been. Don't know what to do anymore. My kids are mad at me when I try to talk to her about this. What else is there, tell me really?

Why on earth would you talk to your children about this? Are they adults? Are they certified marriage counselors?

While it is ok to tell them that things are not right between you and your wife, the details are simply not something that should be shared. You are hurting your children when you do this. They are not confidents. It sounds like you are trying to manipulate them to take sides.

Never put your children in the middle. Never talk to them about the details of your marriage. Let them be children, not your counselors. You can actually create personality disorders and permanent damage in your children if you continue to use them to bolster your side/be a sounding board for you/try to get advice, help, consolation, etc.

I wouldn't blame your children for being mad at your for talking to them about this! She is their mother. Try and respect both your wife and your children by not involving them in your mistakes.

As for being broken, we are ALL broken, don't kid yourself. It's how much you allow God to use the brokenness to bring about transformation.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good, acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

 

[atwhatcost]

Might of been on Tapatalk. What part of the story would you like me to elaborate on. It is hard, hate saying ill thoughts about my wife. She is a wonderful person. Wish I could of kept her love. Too bad I'm American. I will share whatever you like :-(

It's not so much I need clarification of what you said in this post. It's more like if I told you a personal story about something that happened in my life and then a while later I told you the same story, they're not exactly the same story. Sure, same basic story, but I'll add some detail in one spot, and skip something in another. So, if I could see both stories I see more of THE story.

Add to that, your story grew. (Not that you lied or anything, but events have unfolded since last time. Last time she was still flirting with Mr. England, and this time it sounds like that may be over and she's flirting with yet another guy.) So, it's just a matter of trying to see where you were from last time to figure out what has and hasn't happened since.

Also, you seem to be worried about being controlling, but outside of talking to her about these ever increasing inappropriate relationships, I don't see you being controlling. If I could find the last post, maybe it's a clearer picture of how you're controlling. After all, even with out negative traits, they ebb and flow. Just because I struggle with gossiping, doesn't mean I've been gossiping recently. But if you saw me over the long haul, I'm sure you could catch me in one of those times when I was.

I'm hoping for the same kind of insight if I could find that old thread. (And I've tried. lol)

 

[Tom2326]

Angela, you misread. I don't talk to my children about this. They hear, as much as we try to distance them, when my self and wife talk about it. We live in a small apartment and if they didn't know I would be happy. I have tried to be kind about all this especially to my wife. However when your wife gets a smile on her face right in front of you when England says something, or when he tells her he would like her to have his baby, tell me that wouldn't drive you insane. I'm sorry. I really have tried to be loving in this even sleeping in the car when they FaceTime or send pictures in my former bed room. How should I react.

She was mad at me one morning and reminded me that I caused this. And reminded me that I could of had all of her but too late. She attributes my positive change (non controlling) and efforts as a new means to keep her. I love that women, I would do any effort to be a better husband for her, but as she says it's too late. Wasn't I supposed to fight for my marriage, I would never use the kids. He England is the one that wants to put them in kickboxing when he comes.

So when I say I'm broken, I mean I wake and live with that every day. I'm sorry for the miscommunication. I truly am.

 

[Dino246]

Yes I have sought Council from a therapist, paster and friend....What else is there, tell me really?

Tom, there is something else: ask the Lord to convict you of your wrongdoing. Keep asking until He does. Then keep asking until he convicts you of the rest of it. It's not fun, but if you come at this with the certainty that God loves you, then you can trust Him completely when He is performing surgery. Trust God to change you on the inside. And seek His guidance on interacting with your wife while you're going through His therapy.

 

[atwhatcost]

It does seem like you may have tried to be more loving, but, since you never dealt with your control issues, they crept right back in and stayed. Muffling it just doesn't work. You have to deal with it, which means counseling for you.

As for her? I kind of lost track. How many guys has she been inappropriate with? (And that's truly inappropriate, not counting the people you feared she was being inappropriate with, since you have control issues, so sometimes you might not see the reality?) It does seem like a pattern. How long has it been that the two of you have really been married? You sound like two roommates more than a couple.

 

[Karraster]

I'm yet another stranger typing words onto a screen, feeling empathy for you and like many others, wish I could help. So many of us share similar traits, one being~we want to fix what's broken. All I can offer is this..when I was at my lowest, and my life out of control I fell on my knees and cried to my Almighty Father "please take this from me i can no longer bear it"...and He did. Sometimes the harder we try to order our steps the bigger a mess we make. I let go and gave that responsibility to Him, then all I had to do was listen to those soft little promptings that guided me up from off the ground. The peace is surreal, just to follow Him..that's all you have to do. One day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Don't speak your words let Him speak for you.

Back then if someone had told me what I just said to you, not sure how I would have taken it. ..everybody's different..but I wasn't really seeking His will, all I was interested in was my will. It's a huge difference my friend. Now I wouldn't trade all the problems I had that resulted in my surrender, for a past life problem free..otherwise I may not have known this truth~this way~or this life. Who knows if a new-found joy in your heart may attract that lady of your heart, but reality is~only our Creator can satisfy our hungry soul.

Blessings~k

 

[Stand_Strong]

Hey Tom. My advice to you is going to be different from the majority of the advice you'll receive here on CC, but I have experience with this, and I know where you are. If your wife is having emotional affairs, that is a very serious issue, especially for women. If another man has her heart, he has her whole person. I understand that you have a history of controlling behavior, and now, more than ever, this has to stop. The reason is that your wife has lost respect for you, and she will not listen to you at this point. You are wasting your time, and no amount or arguing, reasoning, cajoling, or prodding on your part is going to change her mind. The best thing you can do is back off and give her space. Anything like the behavior I described is going to feel like "pressure" to her and is going to push her further away. If she is involved in an active emotional affair, marriage counseling is a waste of time, and will not be effective.

Now, here's the part where you come in. Work on changing yourself, without expecting any changes from your wife. Don't ask her for reassurance or ask her if she is noticing your changes. If you need to go to counseling, go by yourself. I'm not a fan of waiting around forever to see if the unfaithful spouse "comes around". At some point, you will need to draw a line. This is different from issuing an ultimatum, but you need to make it clear that you cannot and will not stay in a marriage while she continues to have relationships with other men. Be prepared to support your words with actions. I would first recommend a separation that you initiate. If she has not already left the home, ask her to leave the home. If she makes no effort to change, then you will have some difficult decisions to make. I am not opposed to filing for divorce in this situation, and I disagree with Angela on this. Ongoing, unrepentant extramarital relationships of any kind are considered adultery, and are absolutely grounds for divorce.

Regardless of your controlling tendencies, this is no excuse for your wife to have an extramarital relationship. You do not need to take responsibility for an affair. This is not your fault Tom, and you do not have to put up with this. Allowing her to "cake eat" is not loving, but rather, is enabling her to continue living in sin. The most loving thing that you can do is to take a firm stand. I know you love your wife, and you want to save the marriage. From what you are saying, she has no interest in saving the marriage. So the marriage, as you know it, is over. You must stop reacting out of fear, and let go. You cannot make her stay in the marriage if she doesn't want that. You cannot make someone love you. The good news is that, sometimes when you are firm about your boundaries, this has the effect of snapping the unfaithful spouse back into reality, once they realize that they cannot play both sides. However, sometimes it does not work that way, and they choose to leave. If she chooses to leave, let her go. You don't want to be married to someone who does not love you.

I recommend two resources to you. The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, and Love Must Be Tough, by Dr. James Dobson. Buy these and start reading them ASAP.

I'm sorry you are going through this brother. I've been there and I feel your pain. Keep posting and keep us updated. The CC community will be here to help and support you as much as we can. Feel free to PM me with any questions, or if you just need to vent. Jesus will be your refuge in this storm. Run to Him, not away from Him.

Stand Strong my friend.

 

[pieman]

After 14 years of being married, our marriage is ready to dissolve. In may, we found our marriage in trouble. My wife had grown strained on my controlling issues. I kept her guarded due to insecurities of my self and a stupid affair she had 10 years ago. I thought we were past it but I it seems was not, hence the controlling issues. I have since that time tried with all my might to repent, Love my wife tremendously and pray for redemption. During this time, she took to have an online relationship with a man from Flordia. As we struggled with that, we made a decision to go to counseling. We never did and in the interim another online relationship began, this time from a man from England. This man is much more aggressive, even planning on moving here with his kids as he is divorced and finalizing the deal with his wife. At the peak of that relationship, and my struggles and obsession with the first guy, we moved into divorce phase. I have dedicated my self since may to be as loving as I could possibly be with my wife, esthablish a church as we just moved to the city. To no avail we went nowhere. Since our status is separated, other guys have expressed interest to my my, thus began a new obsession. Nothing real has happened as she is focused on Mr. England. She came to me yesterday, unknowing to me , after meeting with a Christian friend she wanted to take a weekend off with our friend and go to the lord, and seek if our marriage could move on. At the same time my obsession grew to the point where I called one of the local interest (she is not in a relationship with this one but he text her) and told him to back off. It created a firestorm, put the guy from England in first place and we argued. Trumping all hope she was going towards. I keep messing up. I am feared that I am losing my wife (we still live together, no real affair has happened) She is blocking me more and more. I don't know what to do. She did cut off the text with the local interest but I still made the move that sparked a argument. My children are mad at me (after last nights argument) and I struggle to go to God. I fear Satan has gotten the best of me. I am so afraid. What do I do????

There's only one cure for a crisis, not going around in circles.

 

[Stand_Strong]

There's only one cure for a crisis, not going around in circles.

Your one-liners are confusing. No one understands what you mean, and it has no relevance to the post.

 

[NewWine]

Your one-liners are confusing. No one understands what you mean, and it has no relevance to the post.

It made sense to me? He and his wife are "going around in circles". He admits he's controlling and that it's an ongoing issue, and she has emotional affairs with other men and that's an ongoing issue. It's a pattern and the only way to break this pattern is to learn a new one.

To the OP: Focus on building your relationship with God. building that single relationship will give you the tools you need to build every other relationship in your life. It will make you a better husband, a better father to your kids, a better employee....just a better person all around. Other than that tidbit of advice, I can't offer you more. Seek God and let God deal with your life.

Perhaps instead of talking to/at your wife; when you feel the need to control things, you might ask your wife to pray with you: Or your kids, your pastor or another trusted friend.

I will keep your family in prayer......Peace!

 

[Angela53510]

Angela, you misread. I don't talk to my children about this. They hear, as much as we try to distance them, when my self and wife talk about it. We live in a small apartment and if they didn't know I would be happy. I have tried to be kind about all this especially to my wife. However when your wife gets a smile on her face right in front of you when England says something, or when he tells her he would like her to have his baby, tell me that wouldn't drive you insane. I'm sorry. I really have tried to be loving in this even sleeping in the car when they FaceTime or send pictures in my former bed room. How should I react.

She was mad at me one morning and reminded me that I caused this. And reminded me that I could of had all of her but too late. She attributes my positive change (non controlling) and efforts as a new means to keep her. I love that women, I would do any effort to be a better husband for her, but as she says it's too late. Wasn't I supposed to fight for my marriage, I would never use the kids. He England is the one that wants to put them in kickboxing when he comes.

So when I say I'm broken, I mean I wake and live with that every day. I'm sorry for the miscommunication. I truly am.

I apologize, I did misread what you said about the children. It was not clear to me that they were "overhearing" the fights between you and your wife? And I am sorry, I did some projecting there!

But there is a very simple solution to NOT having your children overhear. Don't talk in your small apartment with your wife. Text her that you want to go for a walk outside to discuss this, or coffee, or whatever. Get a babysitter if need be. You are still putting your own needs above your children's when you allow them to get caught up in your marriage battles. That is actually a form of child abuse!

Kids Are Emotionally Harmed When Parents Fight - WebMD

I knew a man whose parents suddenly divorced when he was 16. He literally never got over it. He continued to want them to reconcile, even though they both remarried/divorced over and over. He finally gave up hope when his father died at age 93. So this is a very serious issue! Start thinking about protecting your children, instead of defending yourself.

As for brokenness, you fail to realize that we are all broken in one way or another. But some people learn to give it to God, instead of dwelling on it night and day. We have to learn to trust that God is in control, no matter how bleak things look. When you are stuck in the middle of pain and suffering, that is the very best time to go to God. It is when the clay in our hearts is wet, and God can mold us into a vessel for his use.

I know that seems impossible when the inner pain is bad. But when you are at the bottom of a hole, the only way out is to look up. This is not a platitude coming from me. I have been through hell in my life, in ways you can't imagine. But God has touched me, healed me, and is now using me to minister to others who are hurting and broken.

Step 1, in healing, is "No more pity parties." There is nothing the devil likes more than to get someone thinking how hard done by they are, and how no one has ever suffered like them. He just walks away, and lets the party continue without his help. Been there, done that! Esp. when the physical pain got bad.

So when you start thinking "poor me, poor me!" my advice is to start quoting some Scripture to help you yank yourself out of that pity party. I always used the following for years.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding,
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths." Prov. 3:5-6

You came on here to look for ways to heal your marriage, which is not a bad thing. But maybe you need to work on healing yourself, first?